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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBXH moved to EU

124 replies

SuperAlley · 12/05/2023 02:25

Hello,

i wonder if anyone had any advice. Husband earns 6-figures. I gave up my career to raise the kids so would hope for spousal maintenance in the country. Our house as equity of about 500-700k. Husband says he will leave it all to me. But I don’t get his 500k pension.

is there any chance of spousal maintence if he’s living in the EU?

thank you

OP posts:
belladonna22 · 12/05/2023 12:07

taxpayer1 · 12/05/2023 12:03

500-700k equity and still not happy. Unbelievable.

It's not about whether the amount is a lot or a little, it's whether it's a fair division of the assets that were jointly accumulated over the course of the marriage. It is certainly a lot of money, but it may pale in comparison to the partner's other assets. But instead we try and shame women into feeling greedy and selfish to prevent them from rightly claiming their entitlement. Hence why women are almost always worse off financially following divorce versus their husbands.

taxpayer1 · 12/05/2023 12:09

belladonna22 · 12/05/2023 12:07

It's not about whether the amount is a lot or a little, it's whether it's a fair division of the assets that were jointly accumulated over the course of the marriage. It is certainly a lot of money, but it may pale in comparison to the partner's other assets. But instead we try and shame women into feeling greedy and selfish to prevent them from rightly claiming their entitlement. Hence why women are almost always worse off financially following divorce versus their husbands.

Show quote history

Maybe trying to get a job will help. Just a novel idea.

mischlerischler · 12/05/2023 12:09

taxpayer1 · 12/05/2023 12:03

500-700k equity and still not happy. Unbelievable.

OP should get 50% of all marital assets, whatever the amount is.

As for the spousal support, that's highly unlikely.

belladonna22 · 12/05/2023 12:12

@taxpayer1 the OP will almost certainly need to get a job to support her ongoing living costs, but if she has foregone earnings and pension contributions in order to raise their children, she is entitled to her share of that as well. Even if she starts working today, she can't make up for those lost years of saving and earnings while she was busy doing uncompensated household labour.

millymollymoomoo · 12/05/2023 12:30

What career did you give up op?

why would you feel entitled to 100% of equity, and a cut of pension and spousal?

equity and pensions are often traded off - if you get 100% equity it’s highly unlikely woukd not be awarded any pension or spousal as your needs for housing will be met and you’ll be expected to work to provide for yourself ongoing

how old are your children, how long have you been out if the workplace?

SeasonFinale · 12/05/2023 13:03

if the only assets are house and pension then the "pot" to be split is £1m-£1.2m. As you have given up work to raise children you could feasibly expect more than a 50/50 split perhaps 60/40 so you may get £600-720,000 so have the property valued to see whether you are getting a fair capital settlement. If the property has £700k equity it may be in the right region. But are they the only assets?

How old are the children? I am assuming perhaps adult now as no mention of child maintenance.

SarahSmith2023 · 12/05/2023 15:51

Camillasfagwrinkles · 12/05/2023 09:56

@SarahSmith2023 but that doesn't mean she can never work again? Obviously it might not be at the level she was at, but surely she could have stayed at work and got childcare? Her ex husband isn't responsible for all her decisions.

@Camillasfagwrinkles

SHE hasn't said, and I haven't said, she's not going to work! But she's not going to go in at the level she would be if she hadn't taken time out to be a SAHM.

In MOST relationships it's a JOINT decision that one of you will (or won't) be a SAHP, and which one of you. As a couple you have chosen this over childcare.

He isn't responsible for her decisions, but if THEY chose this set up for THEIR family, then yes, he owes her for taking a step away from her career, looking after their children £ supporting him climbing HIS career ladder.

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 16:21

@SarahSmith2023 I think you're missing the point he's offered her £500-700k no strings. That's a lot of money.

If she's been a SAHM for 10 years, that's a £50-70k salary.

Original poster
SuperAlley · 12/05/2023 18:12

there’s really no need for some to kick me when I am down. I’m just trying to do right by my kids, and me in my old age.

Just to answer a few Qs. I’m already back at work. And doing really well for myself and since he left I have really progressed my career. But it’ll never be what it would’ve been if I had stopped. It was a mutual decision for me to stop work. I regret lots of things, but I am trying to look to the future. I can cover everything now, but I’m concerned for the future as I have little pension and no savings.

our kids are tweens/teens.

its the pension that worries me, I have only had one for a year or so, so not much in it. I do wonder if his is worth more that he says. He has been on six figures for many years.

and yes, he rarely sees the kids because he’s in the EU.

thanks for those expressing their advice and that I’m not greedy. I am simply trying to plan for the future.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2023 19:58

As part of the financial settlement he has to provide his true pension value, until that happens you can't agree to anything.

What a shit he's been

Flowers
millymollymoomoo · 12/05/2023 20:52

If you want his oension you’re unlikely to get 100% of equity
so you’ll need true cetv and to think about your conpronises

SarahSmith2023 · 12/05/2023 22:06

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 16:21

@SarahSmith2023 I think you're missing the point he's offered her £500-700k no strings. That's a lot of money.

If she's been a SAHM for 10 years, that's a £50-70k salary.

@GoodChat

I'm not missing anything thank you.

He's 'offering' her his half of the house in order to keep his pension. Hoping she'll settle quietly. That's the very bare minimum settlement. He will still be earning a high salary, she will not, not as high as it would have been. She's given up ladder climbing years to raise THEIR children. Why do you think he should benefit for that, but not her??

who do you think is raising & paying for the (tween & teen) kids now? Now that he's fucked off out of the country, what share of raising them or paying for them do you expect he's doing???

what share of his 6 figure salary is he contributing?? Jack shit I imagine.

@SuperAlley don't settle for this, find a SHL & get a decent deal. X

millymollymoomoo · 12/05/2023 22:12

500-700k is the total house, not half

no one saying don’t get a fair settlement
but a level of reality is also needed and a willingness to compromise
100% equity and pension won’t happen

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 22:36

@SarahSmith2023 she said he's giving her the full equity.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2023 22:39

I see 'spousal maintenance is almost unheard of' etc etc on threads like these all the time, but can I ask please, where are people getting this from?

I got spousal maintenance 2 years ago, valid for the next ten, in the Uk, very similar circumstances to the op, and it was suggested by the mediator, my solicitor and his solicitor as if it was the norm.

underneaththeash · 12/05/2023 22:42

Throwncrumbs · 12/05/2023 02:54

Spousal maintainance is a thing of the past, you will be expected to get a job to support yourself, do you have kids?

People keep posting this, but it’s not. Almost all the women I know who have divorced recently after a lengthy marriage to wealthy men recurve it.

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 22:47

Almost all the women I know who have divorced recently after a lengthy marriage to wealthy men recurve it.

How many women do you know who have been married to wealthy men and got recently divorced?

Nomad12 · 12/05/2023 22:49

You would be entitled to half of house & pension (Ie. 300+250k) or just accept the house as he's offering. Works out to the same.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2023 22:50

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 22:47

Almost all the women I know who have divorced recently after a lengthy marriage to wealthy men recurve it.

How many women do you know who have been married to wealthy men and got recently divorced?

Well, possibly loads of people if you're around 40/50 and wealthy is the circles you move in.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2023 22:53

Op, just be conscious of how he gets his pension valued. CETV is one way, but there are others. My solicitor got an actuary to do my ex husbands because there were varies ways of doing it and the range was from £300k to £1.5million. So, it can vary.

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 22:53

@arethereanyleftatall and all of those people are recently divorced and happy to discuss their settlements?

Coolblur · 12/05/2023 22:55

SarahSmith2023 how did the OP enable her ex to get his pension? He could have achieved it with or without her being a SAHP (as I have without a SAHP helping me do so).

That said, the starting point is 50% of assets. Pensions are worth more than house equity in the long term. But if you might have to downgrade your standard of living dramatically then maybe it's worth the trade off of a smaller share, or no share of the pension in exchange for greater house equity.

'I gave up my career' doesn't mean you're no longer financially responsible for supporting yourself ever again. Divorce means you have to earn, even if you didn't during the marriage. Best to give up the dream of spousal maintenance (who wants to rely on their ex anyway?) and consider refreshing the skills you have from the career you had pre-kids (assuming you had one), or consider what else you might like to do, and go out there and get yourself financially independent.

Amimessingthisup · 12/05/2023 22:57

taxpayer1 · 12/05/2023 12:03

500-700k equity and still not happy. Unbelievable.

To be fair, it depends how big the mortgage is.

she may still have to sell her house

arethereanyleftatall · 12/05/2023 23:05

@Coolblur
How on Earth do you know whether the op helped her ex or not accrue his pension? Whether you needed an sahp or not is irrelevant.
I helped my ex by being the default parent 24-7. Jetting off at 4am for courses etc etc couldn't have been achieved without me (or a live in nanny x 3 to allow for 3x8 hour shifts).
He could have got his pension and career without me; he couldn't have got his pension, his career AND his children without me.
Anyway, my point is, we don't know; but she said she did in the op, so best to take that at face value when delivering advice, rather than just making stuff up to suit your own narrative.

SueVineer · 12/05/2023 23:29

SarahSmith2023 · 12/05/2023 22:06

@GoodChat

I'm not missing anything thank you.

He's 'offering' her his half of the house in order to keep his pension. Hoping she'll settle quietly. That's the very bare minimum settlement. He will still be earning a high salary, she will not, not as high as it would have been. She's given up ladder climbing years to raise THEIR children. Why do you think he should benefit for that, but not her??

who do you think is raising & paying for the (tween & teen) kids now? Now that he's fucked off out of the country, what share of raising them or paying for them do you expect he's doing???

what share of his 6 figure salary is he contributing?? Jack shit I imagine.

@SuperAlley don't settle for this, find a SHL & get a decent deal. X

Show quote history

She’s basically getting half of the assets- more really because the pension isn’t available for payment. I don’t really understand why her contribution is worth more than his considering he was a high earner. Why isn’t he entitled to half the money he earned?

he is required to pay child maintenance and the kids are older now. I don’t see any reason he has to support her for her whole life. She looked after the kids, but he supported them financially. They both did their bit