STBXH moved to EU

[SuperAlley]

Hello,

i wonder if anyone had any advice. Husband earns 6-figures. I gave up my career to raise the kids so would hope for spousal maintenance in the country. Our house as equity of about 500-700k. Husband says he will leave it all to me. But I don’t get his 500k pension.

is there any chance of spousal maintence if he’s living in the EU?

thank you

Is he paying child maintenace or saying this is supposed to cover that aswell

This is exactly it. He would jet off to the UAE for meetings, then arrive at 10pm to a hot meal and a newly packed bag (by me) with freshly laundered and ironed shirts, then he would jet off to NY do business and then come back and it would be more of the same.

So you think that’s a lot of money. That’s just because you perceive that’s as a large amount of money. But as a proportion of the whole sum it might not be. Is it still a lot of money if he has 2 million in his pension and 3 million in investments? Is that truly fair that I get 14%. I said his pension is 500k, but that’s what he is TELLING ME. it may very well be true. But it seems unlikely. I don’t know how much he has as he is secretive. But he’s always splashed the cash on himself and never me or the kids. Not a problem, but whilst I supported his career, and I am the sole career for the children albeit that they are older, yes, I think he owes at the very least half.

@SuperAlley we can only give a response based on the OP. I don't think £5-700k is a huge amount of money on its own, but if the pot is £1-1.2m then his suggestion is more than fair.

What happened in the marriage isn't really relevant in terms of him treating himself. You chose to live that lifestyle and he wont have to pay back his 'treat' money.

Sounds like it's worth paying for a forensic accountant if his declared finances don't add up.

Sounds like he will have far more than the one declared pension.

Have you got a solicitor with a proven track record of a good outcome with this kind of divorce?

@GoodChat

yrs, I have no trouble reading thank you, half of the equity in the house is already hers! He can't 'give' her, HER half!

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️@millymollymoomoo I don't think anyone has argued for 100% of BOTH house & pension!

but she needs to find out his actual pension & anything else he has squirrelled away.

she should get more than 50% of their JOINT assets (including pensions) because she has taken time out of HER career & supported his to be a SAHP which they jointly decided was the best thing for THEIR family.

AND she has the kids (tweens/teens) to house, clothe & everything else. He's just passed off to the EU footloose & fancy free. NOPE. He doesn't get to snatch what he thinks he's entitled to without a (financial) care for the OP & THEIR children.

@SarahSmith2023 but if he keeps his half of the house and gives her half his pension (assuming it is as he says) she's no better off. She might be worse off.

He’s in the EU. If she takes it to court their spousal maintenance is definitely still a thing in Germany, Switzerland and France. Nrtft but guessing Switzerland? My cousin was recently awarded a generous amount of spousal and child support based on almost identical circumstances.

@SueVineer no one said 'for life' 🙄. He's progressed his career on the back of her being a SAHP & enabling him to fully focus on his career. Hers has taken a hit.

@SuperAlley honestly, just find a SHL who will uncover his 'hidden' pensions & investments & get you a decent/fair deal. taking everything into account.

you don't have to settle for a dry crust & some tepid water.

you sound well rid of the selfish git.

Sarah you are placing op contribution above and beyond the ex. She would not have been able to stay at home if ex had not done his role. Hence her contributions are not worth more than ex . you seem to think so

she may not get the house, she may have to trade that for pension

it is right that all assets are valued
it’s right that a fair share is apportioned
that could be more than 50%
it could also be mess
op will also need to maximise her own income now and support herself
it is unlikely to get joint lives order
it is highly unlikely to result in 100% of house equity and % if other assets- so it becomes a trade off - eg sell take 400k equity plus % of pension etc.
if op has mentality of I’m due everything as I e been so hard done by and my bastard ex can support me forever the only winners will be the lawyers who will swallow up thousands

negotiate and compromise and likely accept standards of living reduce

I would talk to a solicitor. You might get more in court.

The op hasn't said anything of the sort @millymollymoomoo

I'm not sure you completely understand what spousal maintenance is.

I get SM for 5 years following my divorce, which will run in full till my youngest is 14yo.

That 5 years covers two things, and is completely and utterly fair in my situation as it is in the ops. Firstly it covers the fact that I need to get my career back on track, and will be earning a lower salary whilst that happens. Secondly, as RP, it covers the fact that for a few years, my working full time wouldn't allow for our daughters to live the life (extra curricular wise) that we both want them to live. I still need to ferry them about to sport classes from 5pm. So, even though we are now separated, he will still be earning money at 5pm, but I'll be caring for our girls. The CM according the calculator didnt touch the sides, so the mediator suggested SM to plug the gap.

My spousal is paid in full till youngest 14, then tapers off and will be gone completely by the time the dc are 18.

See a solicitor op, is the best thing to do.

Go to a top divorce lawyer in London. Get your papers filed asap. Gather as much financial info as you can. No one here can help you, there are reciprocal agreements with the EU for child support but you need lawyers to sort it out for you.

I know a few, including myself, and we all get spousal maintenance. Maybe it's because I'm in London, lots of men with big jobs that want wifey at home with the children. I don't know 🤷‍♀️

For the record I 100% know what spousal maintenance is!

Oh and btw as a high earning full time working mother I ferry my children to extra curricular activities after school, evenings and weekends !

@GoodChat seriously, why do you keep implying I've said something when I haven't? I think she should get more than 50% and/or some spousal maintenance AND payments towards raising the kids (CMS but more than bog standard and as he's in the EU, it'll need to be negotiated)

We have no idea what he earns
6 figures could be 100k
or 999.999

if 100k no chance of what’s being suggested
if 500k etc maybe

Regarding the comments that the ex could not have progressed career-wise AND had children without his wife. Imagine OP had passed away when the DC were young. I imagine her high earning husband would have paid for a Nanny and continued with his work. He would have been a little worse off as he was paying for childcare but I suspect he would have continued to climb the career ladder.

I never really understand the argument that very successful men with children wouldn’t have advanced without their SAH wives. I think most would have.

Anyway. No idea if the financial settlement is fair or not but it’s not a good look to be financially dependent on a man. The “joint decision” for a woman to completely give up her career and spend decades looking after children is almost always a really bad one.

@millymollymoomoo

No, I'm not placing her contribution above his, but neither do I think she should take a crap deal because some MNers seem to think she should just take what he's suggesting, while being left on a lower rung of her career ladder AND still having the cost & responsibility for THEIR children while he fucks off without a care in the world.

'she would not have been able to stay home' sums up your attitude really. LIke HE was doing her some big favour! She enabled him to climb the ladder as she took care of THEIR kids, THEIR home & supported him allowing him to
gully throw himself into work, travel
& ladder climbing. THEY decided that set up was good for THEIR family (as many people do) and had they stayed together it probably would have been. But he's pulled the plug on their 'team effort' and it's not reasonable to walk away from his family leaving her to bring up the kids and not benefit from his 6 figure salary that he's been able to build because SHE did everything else

if op has mentality of I’m due everything as I e been so hard done by and my bastard ex can support me forever

except neither the OP or myself have said anything like that

negotiate and compromise which is what's being said, f but she needs to find out what the total marital assets are, engage legal advice. Not to negotiate with him & certainly don't accept this suggestion by him.

I wish women would prioritise their own pensions & savings. You’ve made yourself totally reliant on someone else, who is now likely to screw your over. I would be really worried about having no pension & I’d double check if you are entitled to any of his pension.

My point is she’s also benefitted from the marriage. His high earning ability has enabled her to stay at home. If he was min wage that may not have been possible and she would have had to work, use child care, not been able to stay home or not had lifestyle similarities.

so he’s benefitted from having a wife at home to take child rearing responsibilities, while she has benefitted from financially being able to do so and not having to go out to worK. It’s not all about some great sacrifice made by op. And still don’t know what career was sacrificed!

and I stand by comment that she also needs to be reasonable and compromising. Why should he be expected to walk away with practically nothing

Cool that your job facilitates that. Many don't, for example surgeons don't just say at 4pm every day 'gotta go, Tilly has ballet'.
The point is that these things are highly individual, and that's why the op should see a solicitor as it's highly likely she will get both more than 50% and/or SM, as she absolutely should.
You are posting as if your own particular situation would be the same for everyone.

@Eastie77Returns

My own ex would have had to have 3 full time nannies to facilitate his job each working 8hours per day. From what the op has said here hers too. That's what, £120k after tax per year less in the joint pot.

It isn't fair to bandy about phrases like 'it's not a good luck to be dependent on a man'. Many families make the joint decision that it makes far more sense to the family pot where there is a high earner, for them to be able to work at all times, and the other ti be the default parent at all times. It absolutely worked for my family. My ex is now on £250k, I am on £50k because of the decision we both made when the children were small. It is absolutely fair and right that this £200k difference is shared. After all, our children (my effort) are absolutely shared, as they should be.