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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can we start the divorce proceeding without asking our teen kids yet, who they want to live with?

68 replies

Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:24

Kids are age 14 and 18. (I also have a 10 yr old, we arent asking him as hes too young so hes staying with me)

Hubby saying that we cant start it till we know who is living with who?

Thanks

Situation...hubby gambled throughout our 10 yr marriage and ive asked him for a divorce as trust is long gone and he lied too

OP posts:
Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:26

I asked hubby are we doing the joint or sole application. He said joint

OP posts:
febrezeme · 09/05/2023 15:27

I suppose it's because the division of assets based on housing need will be different however if you are going for 50/50 split of custody then you would both have the same housing need? And the 18 year old would be classed as an adult so not counted?

ElfDragon · 09/05/2023 15:27

Simple answer is yes. I did. my dc all have ASD, we didn’t tell them until a fair bit was discussed and settled. But there wasn’t any question of where they would live - with me. My older 2 were 12 and 14, and without hesitation knew they would stay with me.

febrezeme · 09/05/2023 15:28

But you can certainly make the divorce application and start filling in the forms and getting evidence together like pension statements house valuation etc - the current value of assets and debts isn't affected by who lives with who

Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:31

@febrezeme yes were going for a 50/50 split on the custody. And 50/50 split on the sale of the house. Hes fine with everything else but the kids. He wont move out either! We are both home owners

@ElfDragon oh my hubby want to have the kids and me to move out!! As if

OP posts:
Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:43

This is what he texted me back

"Because on the divorce papers it has a box to tick on who they are with I want them to live with whomever they want to without having to put them through the court"

OP posts:
ElfDragon · 09/05/2023 15:49

Who has been primary carer up til now?

what are your dc likely to say? obviously they are of an age (the older 2) to have their opinion heard, but I would have very strong feelings about splitting up siblings without good cause.

Reugny · 09/05/2023 15:52

were going for a 50/50 split on the custody. And 50/50 split on the sale of the house.

He's being an a-hole.

The 14 year old is old enough to decide who they want to live with and if either of you talks to a family solicitor they will tell you that you can't do child arrangements for them.

So basically you both know where your 10 and 14 year olds are going to live, and he's holding up the divorce because he thinks he can.

Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:53

I want everything to be calm at our end of sorting this out without him being an arse.

He want us to tell the kids on Friday about us getting a divorce and he want to know who will be living with who?? He is being so insensitive, not thinking about their well being. I just told him we will tell the kids about the divorce FIRST, leave it will they accept that we are getting divorced, then a few weeks later, ask them who they want to live with? Im trying to do a gentler approach as the kids loves their Dad and i wouldnt do anything to jeopardise that as it just not me.

He would!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:54

*retypo

I just told him we will tell the kids about the divorce FIRST, leave it till they accept that we are getting divorced, then a few weeks later......

OP posts:
Shanksponyorbust · 09/05/2023 15:55

He’s being deliberately awkward, you can start a divorce. I got some good initial advice from a solicitor on wikivorce. I’ll tell you what she told me: “ Do. Not. Leave. The. House.” I was about to rent somewhere else as my ex didn’t want to leave either and it’s a difficult place to be. His initial plan was to have me and the children leave and he’d rent rooms out. Once he met someone else he left sharpish.

There’s also the opportunity to a free half an hour (hour?) consultation with a solicitor.

Is the child benefit in your name?

gogohmm · 09/05/2023 15:56

Yes, because there's an enforced waiting period just for those conversations. File online then you have to book at least one mediation session (double check this) to work out arrangements, then once the provisional order is granted (this takes 5-6 months) you can file a child arrangement order and consent order

Humanswarm · 09/05/2023 15:57

The sinple answer is, of course you can start proceedings prior to telling the children. However your exdh is correct, in order to split assets you will need to decide who is living where and what that will look like. You apply for the divorce and then sort the Finances and Child arrangements as the divorce progresses..
I think you're right, tell the children, give them a few weeks to come to terms with the situation..and then ask their feelings..
But, the application can be made immediately as Finances and child arrangements are separate in any case.

unsync · 09/05/2023 15:57

Wow, you can't put the kids on the spot like that. Your approach is kinder, but there is no reason why you can't get the paperwork started. You only go before the court if you can't agree, otherwise I thought it was just a rubber stamping exercise.

Realistically, will he parent them 50% of the time or is he doing it so he doesn't need to pay child maintenance?

Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 16:01

@ElfDragon me, ive been the primary carer all their lives. Im the one who tuck them in bed every night....hes too busy being out playing pool. But it always been me with everything. The kids will be devastated but this is not the 1st time they heard me or him to get out. My 2 eldest who are girls are very very close as they go shopping together, days out, etc and they are close to their 10 y old brother too.

Hes quite happy to want to have the kids living with him as he told me a few times over the years, and want me to live with my mumand her partner who lives 20 miles away.

He being an arse cos he cocked this marriage up big time and not taking the blame....all i was doing was moaning

OP posts:
Justsaying22 · 09/05/2023 16:10

There is no box on the divorce petition in relation to who the children are going to live with. The divorce petition is very much separate to child arrangements.

LuluTaylor · 09/05/2023 16:45

Hes quite happy to want to have the kids living with him as he told me a few times over the years, and want me to live with my mumand her partner who lives 20 miles away.

Calling bullshit. He doesn't parent them during the marriage but is happy to have them full time after divorce? Yeh right! This is crap he's telling you to stop you divorcing him. Basically, divorce me and you'll lose the house and DC too.

You don't want him to be an arse...he's ALREADY an arse! You can't control his behaviour during divorce just like you couldn't stop him gambling, lying and being a shit parent during marriage. Try to control his behaviour by appeasing him will get you nowhere, he'll have you dancing to his tune and stressed for no reason. Don't bother asking if you're doing joint or sole application. He's delaying a joint one so start a sole one! Stop giving him all the power. No matter what you do he isn't going to play nicely.

LuluTaylor · 09/05/2023 16:47

Also your 18yr old isn't a child, she's an adult, so legally she's not factored into any of this who-lives-where business.

Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 16:54

@Shanksponyorbust yes i am not going anywhere. Yes the child benefit get paid to me.

@gogohmm Yes i need to sort out the free half an hour sols. Its hard as i work between 8 till 530pm in the week. I will be closing my self employed business on 22nd (as not worked out) so ill have all the time on my hand. Do i just hang on?

@unsync i have been thinking about the child maintenance as he used to pay his ex that years ago so i think he doesnt wanna go down that route with 2 of them this time..
Well i said to him he shouldve of thought about them before he started to gamble

@Humanswarm hmm thats interesting to read. My hubby or should call him xhubby wants all the kids to live with him. It will be impossible as hes prob will parent 25% with all of them. He got no routine with them when ive gone out on a day out as he cant even look after himself or clean the house up!! I do everything. He may washed the dishes once in a while

@Reugny yes it was my idea about leaving it to the 2 eldest kids to decide. Ive got thing going around in my head atm... he got no routine with the 14 y old bedtime cos he always forgets! He doesnt come home from the pool till midnight 3 - 4 times a week. My daughter need to be in bed well before then, for school next day. I organised days out. Hes happy to slob around after work. Routine for me is so important. My parents were the same too.

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 09/05/2023 16:54

A 14 and 18 year old would be legally allowed to choose where they lived and how often they saw each parent. You can't really enforce a custody routine on them- especially the 18year old who is an adult .

But they probably need time to work out what they might want. For example they might not be able to decide until they know where both parents move to and what life might be like in each household.

As teenagers often have more flexible /fluid contact arrangements, I would start the process now. You won't have to come up with final figures for a divorce settlement yet but it will make the slow process a little faster which will be good for you.

Iwasafool · 09/05/2023 16:57

Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 15:53

I want everything to be calm at our end of sorting this out without him being an arse.

He want us to tell the kids on Friday about us getting a divorce and he want to know who will be living with who?? He is being so insensitive, not thinking about their well being. I just told him we will tell the kids about the divorce FIRST, leave it will they accept that we are getting divorced, then a few weeks later, ask them who they want to live with? Im trying to do a gentler approach as the kids loves their Dad and i wouldnt do anything to jeopardise that as it just not me.

He would!

If you are doing 50/50 doesn't that mean they are living with both of you, half the time with you and half with him?

Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 17:01

@Justsaying22 is it?!? Im gonna have a look on the paperwork myself as i havent even started it yet.

@LuluTaylor the only thing he does with the kids is take the 14 y old to her football training and matches, same with the 18 y old about 8 years ago, where i take the 10 y old to his martial arts stuff and rugby. He makes tea at weekends but not every weekends. Thats about it. I do everything else. Appointments, making them tea, etc...

And yes you are right, he IS already being an arse and ok about my 18 y old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 17:09

@WheelsUp thanks for the info.

@Iwasafool that what i thought but it doesnt sounds like it right now. He want to punished me even though he was irresponsible for his actions.

@LuluTaylor but for the past 6 months, ive been feeling like a single mother as no help from him apart from taking the 14 y old to her football

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TheCatterall · 09/05/2023 18:00

Do not let this man play these games with your children. How the hell are they going to feel when out on the spot by either parent about whom to live with.

you are the parent. You look out for their needs. You decide. If he isn’t happy he can see a solicitor.

Justsaying22 · 09/05/2023 18:01

Unloved1 · 09/05/2023 17:01

@Justsaying22 is it?!? Im gonna have a look on the paperwork myself as i havent even started it yet.

@LuluTaylor the only thing he does with the kids is take the 14 y old to her football training and matches, same with the 18 y old about 8 years ago, where i take the 10 y old to his martial arts stuff and rugby. He makes tea at weekends but not every weekends. Thats about it. I do everything else. Appointments, making them tea, etc...

And yes you are right, he IS already being an arse and ok about my 18 y old.

I was a secretary for a divorce sol. Many years ago you did have to provide details in relation to the children, but not any more thankfully. do a Google search on ‘d8 divorce form’ and the petition form (for the court) will come up on the gov.uk site.