Can we start the divorce proceeding without asking our teen kids yet, who they want to live with?

[Unloved1]

Kids are age 14 and 18. (I also have a 10 yr old, we arent asking him as hes too young so hes staying with me)

Hubby saying that we cant start it till we know who is living with who?

Thanks

Situation...hubby gambled throughout our 10 yr marriage and ive asked him for a divorce as trust is long gone and he lied too

good luck.
once you get some legal advice the cabbage will lift and you’ll see the wood from the trees.

it will get better

I just want to flag up to you that mediation with a partner who is abusive (and this includes the financial abuse of a gambling addict) is not recommended.

You can only mediate with a reasonable person. You are not dealing with a reasonable person.

Mediation is the go-to recommendation in a no-fault divorce. However, your situation is different due to the gambling and dishonesty.

Please seek legal advice on this.

@AmandaHoldensLips hm i didnt know that.

Do i just apply for the financial order anyway?

I don't know and I can't advise you. My experience was many years ago and all I know is that I was very naive and should have played hard-ball from the start.

Us women, particularly as mothers, tend to try to take the route of causing as little aggro and hurt as we can. However I was a complete fool and got totally shafted.

I was in total denial about dealing with an addict.

Mediation was a terrible experience as I had come from a direction of honesty and wanting to do the best thing for the kids. I wasn't prepared for a barrage of lies and being attacked. But I now know this is how they operate (it's very common).

I know you are trying to do this as a joint application, but I really think you mustn't go any further without legal advice and making sure the lawyer knows you're dealing with a gambling addict who has lied to you for years.

I also never received a penny in child support.

Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

It may be wise to do shuttle mediation if your ex is like @AmandaHoldensLips ex. That's when you and ex sit in different rooms and the mediator goes between each room.

I absolutely don't think you should go on pretending, or keep trying. I absolutely tho k you should get divorced. But for the sake of your kids, TELL them, don't leave them to second guess and worry about it all. They're not babies. Talk to them

@SleepingStandingUp i dont know how to go about it as ive been with this man for 22 years. Unsure if i tell them myself or together?

As i know ive gotta be sensitive with them cos they love their Dad. Do i just say that "we've fell out of love as sometimes people do that, so it's not fair trying to carry on.......blah blah" without actually telling them the truth of what really happened?

Yes.

All the children particularly the older ones need to work out themselves their dad is a gambler and unreliable.

In fact the 18 year old probably already knows or will work it out very shortly especially if he's been married before.

This.

Be aware that the mediator may try to sit you in the same room because it is "easier".

Refuse.

You only need to please yourself not him.

Imo, and ime, children don’t need to know the ins and outs of it.

exH and I picked a day (well, I eventually made him pick a day, as he was dragging it on and on), and just told each of the dc. We did it separately, as that suited our dc better, but all in one go, so all done in the same morning. We said something by along the lines of “we have decided we don’t want to live together anymore, and are getting divorced. You will all continue living with mum, and will have lots of opportunities to see dad. He will be moving out on X date (was about 6 weeks away), to Y house (is 5 minutes away). You will spend some of the school holidays with him, and we will share weekends like we have been doing here recently (which meant EOW). We both love you lots, and this isn’t anything to do with you, it is problems between mum and dad. You will have lots to think about, and lots of questions, so we can talk about those when you are ready” and then gave them some space to think about it. They had questions, obviously, but we didn’t want to put them on the spot. Dc were (then) 13, 11 and 7.

dc1 was confused (SN), but fine with the explanation, and happy to stay with me. Had to do lots of reinforcing of the main messages I’ve the next couple of weeks as she processed it. Dc2 wasn’t surprised in the slightest, and only concern was that she was able to stay with me as didn’t want to live with exH at all. Dc3 was quite upset initially, but also mainly concerned about daily routines etc, and I was able to reassure him that it would still be me doing all the school stuff, and that he would see his dad lots, and be able to speak to him every day if he wanted to (this dropped off fast for him, only dc1 speaks to exH daily now)

@Reugny yes i just read upon that before if i want to have mediation in the same room or separate. I was thinking separate.

@ElfDragon thank you for telling me what did happen to you telling the kids etc. I do appreciate that.
I wish he man up and move out but seems he's punishing me cos i asked for the divorce

I think the teens need to know their dad can’t be trusted with money actually. What if he starts borrowing their bday money etc or takes out loans in their names?

I agree. Honesty is the best policy. All be it watered down and age appropriate- which may be a few individual conversations given the age gaps.

@Unloved1

There are a few things I’d like to comment on here from my experience.
… As others have said - you don’t need to have it all figured out to file for divorce

In my case - I filed. We then proceeded to fight over/negotiate both the financials and child arrangements. Once we had a clarity on what was happening - we told the kids.
Our elder was 13 at the time.

…Contrary to what is discussed on this thread - a 14 to doesn’t get to ‘Choose’ - who to live with. If you actually end up in court over it - they do ask for preference. But any court isn’t likely to award 100% of the child’s time to one parent without some really valid concerns about the other parent. It’s more likely to be 50/50; or EOW +week nights.
At 16 - a child can actually chose not to see/live with/visit the other parent.

That is the legal side. However, the other point is that it’s really damaging for a 14yo to be in the situation when divorcing parents put them in a position of making a choice between them. Try to avoid it as much as you can.

Many men initially claim they want 50/50 child arrangements when they have not previously done much with the kids. My exH also said h wanted it.

If yours is saying he wants them 100% - he is just being ridiculous - as it’s clearly NOT in the best interests of the kids. I’d stay calm and firm on that. He says it to rattle and hurt you. I’d just say - if this is what you insist on - we’ll just have to let the judge decide what is best for our children.

Mine was firm on suddenly wanting 50/50 - despite having a job that simply won’t allow him to do it. And despite years of being absent - none of kids’ teachers have ever seen him; he doesn’t know what activities they do; has never done a medical appointment, etc
So - I had to be strong and keep saying - this isn’t best for kids. And if the only way to agree is in court - so be it. He knew he’d not win 50/50 given his job and our setup. So had to agree to something that made more sense. (Most school week with me, EOW, 50/50 of holidays)

…Finally - gear up for difficult time. Divorces are hard. Men like your H tend to become nasty and behave in the way you never expect - when women surprise them with divorces.

Forgot to add - in your place, if he really insists on telling the kids - I’d tell them that you are divorcing and will be figuring out future arrangements and will let them know when you know.
But that of course - they will see and live with both parents. As both of you love them and will continue to parent.

I’d have a conversation with the 18yo first and separately from the other two.
I’d tell the younger ones together. My two were similar in age, I remember it well.
We hugged them.

Then it’s a blur - I think I then spoke to them separately. It was the beginning of long transition.

I just wanted to wish you luck, and let you know that though the process will be painful for a while, the relief you will feel when you are not emotionally and financially tied to this man will be ENORMOUS!