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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband had affair, won't divorce.

57 replies

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 13:19

I really would appreciate some advice / opinions.

My husband had an affair and left early last year (I had thought we had a happy marriage until this point).

Over the last year he has continued to pay towards the mortgage and bills but not really towards our children. The amount he pays towards bills is most likely more than he will pay in CM (he's self employed and takes quite large amounts as dividends). Due to this I've not bothered to claim CM.

I want to divorce but he completely refuses to discuss our finances and the potential assets split, or anything other than trivial stuff. I have seen a solicitor who could only give minimal advice without financial disclosure so that was a complete waste of money.

I know I can put the divorce in online but there is no way this could be finalised with the financial consent order. I am so sick of being stuck in limbo like this.

He is terrible for burying his head in the sand so I think it's very likely that even if I put the divorce in he will still refuse to discuss anything.

Has anyone experienced similar?

OP posts:

Theamofm · 30/03/2023 14:31

If you really want a divorce then I would instruct a solicitor properly rather than just getting advice. You disclose everything and then leave it to your solicitor. As long as you can prove you've made every attempt to get him to sign papers (signed for delivery, hand delivery or court bailiff) then i'm sure the court will eventually order him to supply paperwork. Though this route will be expensive and may take its toll on your life over the next few years. Divorces are stressful.

Don't just go for Decree Absolute without sorting finances because with the sounds of what you've said he will get out of whatever he can. Protect yourself and your kids futures.

quicklybeendrivenmad · 30/03/2023 15:11

If he takes dividends is he a limited company if so look at his filings on companies house

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 17:28

@Theamofm
My solicitor advised trying to get him to reach an agreement or at least try mediation first. To just send him a letter would be £250, if we ended up in court easily £10k. As he's still paying the mortgage and towards the bills I'm financially under no pressure to sort things out. For my mental health I'd like to be able to divorce a move on. Just wish I knew a way to get him to discuss things.

@quicklybeendrivenmad
The business situation is quite complicated as it also involves another person. This is another reason why instructing solicitors will be costly.

OP posts:

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/03/2023 17:37

You have to do it formally if he acts like this. He's never going to agree otherwise

Theamofm · 30/03/2023 19:54

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 17:28

@quicklybeendrivenmad
The business situation is quite complicated as it also involves another person. This is another reason why instructing solicitors will be costly.

I understand your problem I know someone who went through the same thing. People who have their own business tend to be CASH rich but minimal in the bank. Its clever.

I wish you all the luck and I hope you get through it and move on with your life.

Mumof3confused · 30/03/2023 20:21

You will have to apply for divorce online and then issue proceedings. It’s all very simple and does not require a solicitor.

Then, book a mediation appointment and inform him of the date and time. If he doesn’t turn up you’ve exhausted that possibility.

You can very easily self representing to start with, until you’ve exchanged Form E. It’s all self explanatory. Then take advice again.

If he won’t do anything then you have no option but to issue proceedings. It still takes absolutely ages once issued so better doing sooner than later.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 20:32

@Mumof3confused

My sol advised if I start the divorce online but he then does not co operate and I need to involve a solicitor, they would need to restart the process.

I don't think he will complete the Form E. I'm hoping when he eventually wants to get his own place, or a place with the OW, that he'll be forced to discuss finances as he'll want his equity. A friend spent £30k on sol fees as her husband was uncooperative, I just can't afford that.

OP posts:

Lavenderfowl · 30/03/2023 20:39

I had exactly this, and solicitor said that if he refused to cooperate the judge would eventually issue a court order, and then he’d have no choice…or find himself in very deep water.

So just get started, communicate by email or in writing so you have proof of asking nicely, and let your solicitor tell you when their involvement can be useful and what you can do yourself.

changeme4this · 30/03/2023 20:44

In the meanwhile gather and copy documents. Do you have to sign any company documents each year? Is your personal/family finances tied in with the business borrowing?

have you given any personal guarantees to support the business trade accounts?

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 20:53

@Lavenderfowl
Did you ex eventually cooperate? I have a years worth of emails and texts asking him to discuss finances, asking him if he'll pay towards his children's clothes and re seeing or speaking to the children. He rarely replies.

He has not seen one child for a year, the other for months, but he does not see me as being a single parent. I have so much anger towards him and just want to be divorced

@changeme4this
We kept our finances pretty separate, no shared accounts and I have had nothing to do with the business. So no idea of the turnover or how much he actually earns,

OP posts:

MyriadOfTravels · 30/03/2023 20:56

I’m going to guess that he knows a divorce is going to cost him much more than whatever he us giving you just right now.
That money also keeps you quiet and he knows that.

You need to make a choice. Let it go until he is ready (Aka he has someone else and sorting it is becoming more essential). Or force his hand going to courts, knowing it will cost.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 21:03

@MyriadOfTravels

He is still with the OW, but living with his parents. I really don't get how she is happy with the situation either.

I think he's angry at the entire situation, he's pretty much lost everything, but it was all his own doing. He knows I'll not back down and agree to some shitty offer. I don't want a battle, I just wish he'd talk to me so we could come to an agreement.

OP posts:

Lavenderfowl · 30/03/2023 21:16

It took about a year and eventually the solicitor sent him Form E which he reluctantly filled in bits of. We added stuff in the gaps and when the final version was sent to him to sign, he changed it, so I got what I needed in the end.

i knew he was going to be like this and one of the first questions for my solicitor was “can he stop it happening?” and the answer was no he can’t. Talk to your solicitor re a court order to make him comply, see when they think that would be useful, timing-wise, and then do it if you have to.

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2023 21:35

Do you think he is aiming to delay things until the children are adults? Do you work full time? Perhaps he is hoping the values of the property will drop so less to pay you.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 21:59

@Lavenderfowl
My sol advised to get to the point of a court order would cost not far off £10k, this put me off going down that route. I know I can force it along, but that it will cost quite a bit to do so.

@LadyLapsang
I want to buy him out so actually in my best interests if prices drop not his. He'd be waiting at least 8 years if he expects to wait until our children are adults.

OP posts:

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/03/2023 22:11

You don't need to pay upfront for a solicitor. I was broke and they took a charge on the property and got the money when we sold it. If you are buying him out it will be the same thing. Just borrow the solicitors fees on top. Assuming enough equity if course.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 22:33

@Greensleevevssnotnose

I think I'll have to set (another) deadline to myself and if he still refuses to discuss anything instruct the sol to put the divorce in.

I can get the money to pay the fees (up to a point) but it seems such a waste as I think we could agree if he'd just face up to the fact he's loosing "his" house and be reasonable.

OP posts:

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/03/2023 22:37

Dh did the same with his mental ex gf.

She ended up paying half our costs as well as hers as the judges said it should never have gone to court in the first place.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 22:40

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy
I asked my sol if I could claim my costs back she just said I could try. I maybe need to try a different solicitor. She was obsessed with us completing Form Es despite me saying there was very little chance of him willingly doing so.

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 22:51

Grab a half hour free consultation with a couple of solicitors and see which ones you get in with and which are suited to your situation.

Original poster

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 22:57

@CleaningOutMyCloset
I've tried 3, all female. Maybe I need to try a male sol🤷‍♀️.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/03/2023 23:08

The thing is that the Form E the solicitor sends out is not the actual Form E that is presented to the court (should it get that far). But the best and most effective way of collecting the financial information of those divorcing is for the solicitor to get them to fill in a Form E. My Ex, on receiving one of these from my solicitor early in proceedings, angrily wrote back that he wouldn't be filling any forms in until a court ordered him to.

So eventually I had no choice but to start court proceedings over the financial settlement, because there was no other way to make him supply his financial details. (Meanwhile the divorce got as far as decree nisi, so absence of his financials doesn't mean you can't start the divorce process.) We had 2 hearings, but then agreed a settlement before the Final Hearing (I think it's called).

changeme4this · 31/03/2023 03:36

I’m wondering if the issue is not so much he doesn’t want a divorce, rather he doesnt want to officially hook up with the OW.

perfect excuse for him..

WTF202333 · 31/03/2023 05:50

Going through a very similar situation. STBXH walked out in October 2020 and acted fairly reasonable in respect of child maintenance as I think he wanted to keep his foot in the door - he also has a limited company so knew I was over a barrel and couldn’t claim a decent CM.

All I’ve wanted to do is get on with my life and he refused that. Didn’t want to lose his assets. I filed for divorce and he got nasty, being rude to my solicitor, cancelling direct debits and paying the absolute minimum of CM.

Going through court order and just received his Form E which is laughable. I’m £4k in, in solicitors fees but know it’s the only way to get my freedom. Good luck, pull up those big girl pants and expect a rocky road - you will get there. Surely the new woman will want him divorced quickly too?

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 06:32

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 22:33

@Greensleevevssnotnose

I think I'll have to set (another) deadline to myself and if he still refuses to discuss anything instruct the sol to put the divorce in.

I can get the money to pay the fees (up to a point) but it seems such a waste as I think we could agree if he'd just face up to the fact he's loosing "his" house and be reasonable.

But it's not a waste because you will get the outcome you want and I bet once the letters start coming he will comply because it will be a lot harder for him if he doesn't. He is just stinging this out as long as he can. Once he knows you mean business I bet he will change there will be a court order otherwise he won't want that

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