Husband had affair, won't divorce.

[Twiglett2]

I really would appreciate some advice / opinions.

My husband had an affair and left early last year (I had thought we had a happy marriage until this point).

Over the last year he has continued to pay towards the mortgage and bills but not really towards our children. The amount he pays towards bills is most likely more than he will pay in CM (he's self employed and takes quite large amounts as dividends). Due to this I've not bothered to claim CM.

I want to divorce but he completely refuses to discuss our finances and the potential assets split, or anything other than trivial stuff. I have seen a solicitor who could only give minimal advice without financial disclosure so that was a complete waste of money.

I know I can put the divorce in online but there is no way this could be finalised with the financial consent order. I am so sick of being stuck in limbo like this.

He is terrible for burying his head in the sand so I think it's very likely that even if I put the divorce in he will still refuse to discuss anything.

Has anyone experienced similar?

@areyousittingontheremote

Yeah in my situation it's the assets that are the issue. If not for really needing to reach an agreement on that I'd have put the divorce in straight away. I'll check but I'm sure my sol said I earned too much for any support, that I can try to claim my costs back from him as part of the settlement but it's not a given.

The Financial Order (finance agreement) is separate to your divorce. I’d start the ball rolling on the divorce. It takes forever and you have to apply to go to the next step, and then to finalise it. There’s no point waiting whatsoever. You can do this yourself online and I doubt he’d just ignore it.

If he does not engage in discussions or mediation you will have to issue proceedings to get a judge to rule on your case. But that’s a separate process altogether.

@Mumof3confused

I know they're separate but the divorce couldn't be finalised without the consent order and I'm hoping to avoid having to spend thousands. I'd like to have at least started to discuss the finances to see how far apart our ideas of a fair split are before starting divorce proceedings.

Based on the last 20 years of knowing him I think there is a high chance he will ignore everything for as long as possible.

Well technically it could be finalised (I did) but you would usually be advised not to. There is no point waiting with the filing itself, though. Then you can issue proceedings as/when you need it.

Mine was £5K in 2012, but no business involved, each of us had a tiny pension which cancelled each other out, and the kids were adults. Also basis was unreasonable behaviour - but actually he was a cocklodger. I managed to get £500 out of Ex towards my costs, and only had to pay the 5K when all was done and dusted.

It was stressful. I was worried throughout the year it took, but as soon as I saw the solicitor to start the ball rolling, my depression lifted!!

He may be living with his parents because he does not want to entangle his finances with yet another woman given that he is still entangled with you. That fact that he is still married to you allows him a excuse for keeping her at bay.

If he has the cash liquidity to pay for all of the expenses in your home and to manage his situation to his satisfaction , he has no real reason to push forward on the divorce. He has what is probably a comfortable home with his parents, the OW as a companion, and no one looking closely at his finances , what about that suggests a need to make any changes?

OP, the ball is in your court. If you want to get a divorce, you will have to be proactive even if it means that you may be disadvantaged financially. You won't be able to avoid legal expenses , and his game plan may just be to wear you down to such a point that you are willing to accept whatever he is willing to offer.

@Mari9999

I agree that he'll be quite happy as things are, he is basically living a single life and refusing to deal with anything. He'll not have any plan as he never does and he's well aware he'll not wear me down. I think he knows he's going to come out of this badly financially, and with his parents providing him with free accommodation there's no impetus for him to move things on.

Everyone's right, I'll have to be the one to force things forward, which i will do but plan to spend the next few months not stressing about it and let him keep paying.