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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband had affair, won't divorce.

57 replies

Twiglett2 · 30/03/2023 13:19

I really would appreciate some advice / opinions.

My husband had an affair and left early last year (I had thought we had a happy marriage until this point).

Over the last year he has continued to pay towards the mortgage and bills but not really towards our children. The amount he pays towards bills is most likely more than he will pay in CM (he's self employed and takes quite large amounts as dividends). Due to this I've not bothered to claim CM.

I want to divorce but he completely refuses to discuss our finances and the potential assets split, or anything other than trivial stuff. I have seen a solicitor who could only give minimal advice without financial disclosure so that was a complete waste of money.

I know I can put the divorce in online but there is no way this could be finalised with the financial consent order. I am so sick of being stuck in limbo like this.

He is terrible for burying his head in the sand so I think it's very likely that even if I put the divorce in he will still refuse to discuss anything.

Has anyone experienced similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 06:37

@TheSilveryPussycat
Do you mind me asking how much it cost you to get to the point of reaching a settlement?

@changeme4this
I've given up trying to understand wrf is going on with his "relationship" with the OW. She has her own place but he's never moved in, they have had numerous break ups. He's said he's not happy with her, but still prioritises her over our children. It all seems very toxic.

@WTF202333
God, I'd hate to think my situation could drag on for years. I maybe need to just put the divorce in and see if that makes him realise he can't keep refusing to do anything. I do worry that it will piss him off though and he'll stop paying what he is and give me minimal CM.

Are any of you still on good terms with the in laws? Mine have been awful.

OP posts:
changeme4this · 31/03/2023 06:44

Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 06:37

@TheSilveryPussycat
Do you mind me asking how much it cost you to get to the point of reaching a settlement?

@changeme4this
I've given up trying to understand wrf is going on with his "relationship" with the OW. She has her own place but he's never moved in, they have had numerous break ups. He's said he's not happy with her, but still prioritises her over our children. It all seems very toxic.

@WTF202333
God, I'd hate to think my situation could drag on for years. I maybe need to just put the divorce in and see if that makes him realise he can't keep refusing to do anything. I do worry that it will piss him off though and he'll stop paying what he is and give me minimal CM.

Are any of you still on good terms with the in laws? Mine have been awful.

Oh Twiglett2 what I suggested sounds spot on then.

sounds like he is doing the “wife won’t divorce me” dance and playing both of you. Im so sorry!

you have to move on for your own peace of mind and independence. You can’t be left chewing a piece of financial string. It’s not giving you an end result to get on with your own dreams.

WTF202333 · 31/03/2023 06:45

@Twiglett2 you really need to take the control out of his hands or he’d be happy to carry on like this until kingdom come! It will be difficult but worth it in the end (or that’s what I keep telling myself) I’m lucky in the fact that my Mum can’t help me out financially until this shit show is over.

in laws have also become knobheads, if anything they’ve hurt me just as much as the Ex. They live across the street and can happily watch me work full time and juggle the kids whilst under massive financial and emotional turmoil- another reason to get divorce sorted and get us the hell out of here.

Lavenderfowl · 31/03/2023 07:05

Same as everyone here @Twiglett2 just get started and get the nisi done (whatever it’s called now) it’ll make him see you’re serious; like my X this is all about control, so you take it, and make it happen!

no contact from in-laws except one silent phone call…but I’ve got used to it now, although was a horrible shock at first.

I was quoted £10k but it came in a bit under that, and it has been worth every penny, took 2 years from first separation but if I hadn’t had solicitors chasing him don’t think it would ever have happened.

You will go crazy if you keep waiting for him, it’s stressful enough…just somehow afford it if you possibly can.

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 07:14

Thanks so much for all the replies. Seems there are quite a few people in similar situations. I have my children's birthdays then one child has GCSE's to get through so I'm thinking I'll leave it until after that then get on with things.

He has said so many times he's "instruct a solicitor", "get a proposal to me next week" etc. snd it never happens.

My in laws have been awful, they've barely bothered with their grandchildren (seen them maybe twice in the last year) and refuse to speak to me. I just want to be able to be completely done with him and his family.

@WTF202333
My dad has been helping out financially and would pay the legal fees. I work part time and need to increase my hours, very difficult though as my mil was my only childcare help and she's not talking to me. Love how I'm the bad person as I had the nerve to kick her precious son out rather than "turn a blind eye".

OP posts:
WTF202333 · 31/03/2023 07:19

@Twiglett2 same here! I’m the baddie as ExH begged me back and I refused (even though he was snaking behind my back whilst begging!)
Get cracking - financial disclosure and the revelation of his 12 months bank statements will tell you all that you need to know 😉. Seeing various transactions helped me with my peace and the gaslighting I’d suffered since he left.
id start proceedings now - what have you got to lose?

WTF202333 · 31/03/2023 07:21

@Twiglett2 my only regret is not sorting things sooner. All I did was put off the inevitable as I was scared of his reaction.
in essence, it just gave him time to hide assets. I kick myself now. Don’t be me - take control x

Theunamedcat · 31/03/2023 07:32

Yes try for a male solicitor get one with lots of experience and a solid reputation

Stop waiting GCSE child will be fine its you going through this not them rip off the plaster

Yes my inlaws were stupendously shit had there beloved son back to live with them (he was on bail) caused me no end of hassle reported me to social services repeatedly with batshit claims yelled at me outside my own house in front of the children I had an old lady neighbour who used to deliberately walk up the road when they dropped the kids off because she would "behave"if there was a witness she then complained to a social worker that I was having people "near" my house....on a public street.....she no longer sees her bio grandchildren and has since had a nervous breakdown

Bansheed · 31/03/2023 08:43

Go in hard. Give him no option, you will pa6 but more than recoup it by sorting it through Form E etc

ciderhouserules · 31/03/2023 08:53

Actually OP - maybe just... stay married?

If it's what he wants to kick against, Hmm if neither of you want to get married again, if he is paying over what you'd get in CM, if he is not interested in contact with the dc - you will still be his NoK (if he died ), the (tax) benefits of being married are not insignificant, he can actually be nothing more in your life [shrug].

Don't waste your money chasing a divorce that he will just use as a stick to beat you. Stay married, wait until the OW gets on his case and it's in HIS intereests to get divorced.

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 09:02

I'd rather wait until after my DDs exams as we've all had so much stress and upset and I think starting divorce proceedings may cause more. I'd also rather get some other stuff sorted so I'm in a better headspace to deal with it.

I don't care about his business or going after any of that, or any other savings he may have, as long as he'll agree to leave my assets out of the equation. I'd just like to be able to buy him out to stay in our home and come to an agreement on that. My preference would be to come to an agreement ourselves, get our solicitors to check it over and do the financial consent order and put the divorce in online. He said he was happy to do that, but then won't discuss anything. So frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 09:11

@ciderhouserules

This is exactly what I go between wanting to do! I go around in circles. I'm pissed off I'm stuck married to him, but on the other hand I have organised everything and facilitated him our entire relationship. He is shit with money and will never sort anything out without constant chasing up.

I know he's pissed off having to pay for a house he no longer lives in, but he still does nothing to resolve the situation. OW is a complete doormat so not sure she will ever push things on, she'll not want to risk him dumping her.

OP posts:
Bansheed · 31/03/2023 09:24

How old are you?

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 09:26

@Bansheed
Both early 40s.

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 31/03/2023 09:46

What happens if you procrastinate for 8 years and your DC’s are adults can he just then sell the house and split the profit and walk away? Is that what he is aiming for? No disclosure, no settlement?

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 09:59

@BessieSurtees

I wouldn't leave it that long, I probably won't leave it much passed this summer. I don't think my husband has any plans or is up to anything as in hiding assets. He's too useless!

OP posts:
weightymatters73 · 31/03/2023 10:15

@Twiglett2 Is it a limited company? if so the accounts will be available...have a look on companycheck - you can PM me if you want me to do it as am used to looking at acocunts...sometimes the info is sparse...

Helpmethanks · 31/03/2023 11:12

Press on with things as quickly as possible just in case OW gets pregnant (the more kids he has the more he gets in the settlement, I say this from experience!)

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 11:56

@weightymatters73
It is and I've looked but there's very little on there and it's complicated as a part of the business is not to do with him.

@Helpmethanks
That is the only thing that does worry me. He def does not want more but is too stupid to prevent it. She has none and told me herself she wants a baby. She's near my age though so hoping it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
areyousittingontheremote · 31/03/2023 12:01

I don't speak to my ex and I applied for my divorce on my phone. It's a fee of £580 and then it's done.

He won't respond and tomorrow I get told how to proceed. They can't stop you divorcing now, you can push it through.

Then you can apply for your consent order five months after you've applied for the divorce.

Then you'll need to get a professional to do a financial order.

Unsure what happens if he won't respond but I understand that since they changed the law you can proceed regardless?

WTF202333 · 31/03/2023 12:16

You’re probably going to have to go through court in which case it will take a good while before anything starts anyway. If you start now, you’ll be lucky to even be anywhere in Summer.
You will need to file for divorce, and attempt mediation before you can even file to court. All of which takes months. If your certain you want to divorce and there’s no going back, get the ball moving x

CleaningOutMyCloset · 31/03/2023 12:29

Personally I'd use this time to get yourself in a good position so when the divorce goes through you can buy yourself a house, also up your hours from it to full time if possible.

Then once you are ready kick off the divorce in anger

areyousittingontheremote · 31/03/2023 12:32

What's your income? I got my fee waived by the court for being poor.

Original poster
Twiglett2 · 31/03/2023 13:43

@areyousittingontheremote

I have completed the divorce application online but was then advised by a solicitor that if he does not respond and I need to get a sol involved they would then have to do a paper application. I'm not sure if the online fee would then be refunded.

I'm not really sure how you I'd go about moving things on if he didn't respond without involving a solicitor.

@WTF202333
I told him my sol advised mediation, he ignored the email then weeks later said he was "happy to sort it ourselves". Obviously hasn't happened.

@CleaningOutMyCloset
I want to buy him out of the family home, which should be doable unless he's very unreasonable. I'd really struggle with childcare if I go full time, I don't have any.

OP posts:
areyousittingontheremote · 31/03/2023 13:46

I'm learning as I go. I was just wondering if your income was low enough for a fee waiver.

Mine has until tomorrow to respond, if not I do believe it's a case of getting proof that he has received it and nothing can progress until August anyway.

I happen to have a solicitor via legal aid but if I didn't I would be using an online form to draft a financial order then have that looked over by a solicitor. You can draft a financial order before the next step.

HMCTS are going to let me know tomorrow what I do next when he doesn't respond. I will probably just get his solicitor to confirm he's had the application then continue the process without him. I've read that he cannot stop this happening.

Mind you, there are no assets involved with us and if you have assets that will make things more complicated.