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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex decided to stop paying mortgage

106 replies

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 14:26

Hope someone can offer advice please?
split up from my partner in September after 10 years. We aren’t married but have a joint mortgage. He’s been paying the mortgage since he left, which has been fine and I’ve not asked for maintenance because of this.
I want to sell the house and split 50/50 after the mortgage has been paid. Estate agents have been round, everything is ready to go but he is blocking the sale by not signing the paperwork until we reach a financial settlement, he hasn’t told me what it is but I think I Know that he wants an extra 35k due to money his parents lent when we brought the house. He won’t speak via phone only through text, with lots of ridiculous emojis!
Todays text has been that has stopped paying the mortgage on the house, I’m not currently in a position to pay as I don’t earn enough.
Can he legally just stop paying the mortgage?
I want the house to sell, I don’t want to be stuck there. How long can we go without paying the mortgage before it’s repossessed? Many thanks in advance for anyones help and advice.

OP posts:
MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 09/02/2023 16:38

Bellalalala · 09/02/2023 14:30

If his parents ‘lent’ you the 35k, it should be going back to them. They may decide to let him keep it.

But since you were aware it was a loan, can you just agree to giving them it back? Will he pay the mortgage then?

It will harm his credit rating as well, he may need reminding of that

Not necessarily. Otherwise we all would be happy to give the money away to our children for house deposits. Even if it was a loan, it may be difficult to prove it was unless they have signed a contract savour this. Soft loans are not as convincing in courts as bank loans.

A lot will depend on the kind of ownership you have over the house. I suggest you ask Mumsnet to move your thread to the Legal topic.

SpecialK2023 · 09/02/2023 16:43

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 16:37

Would she be able to change the Morgage to interest only by herself?

Surely if it's a joint mortgage she'll need his agreement?!? Can someone help me with that?

No. Not without his consent.

Disappointingbiscuit · 09/02/2023 16:45

My parents gifted me specifically a substantial amount of our deposit. They signed to say it was a gift and legally can't now claim it back from us. Me and DP signed a deed of trust so that the deposit is legally mine and he can't claim any of it if we split and sell the house. He would be entitled only to 50% of however much we have paid off in the mortgage

I don't know what happens if he stops paying, do you have a copy off your mortgage agreement? I would contact the lender asap and explain, maybe they can help

taxpayer1 · 09/02/2023 16:46

BemusedBrenda · 09/02/2023 16:32

I can't believe so many posters are saying OP should 'pay back' the 35k. Conveyancing law is very precise about gifts and ownership for exactly this reason. Anyone who is gifting money to be used as part of a house purchase signs to agree that it is a gift and that they have no further claim to it. When property is sold, the funds are split according to the form of ownership (joint tenants or tenants in common), and any deed of trust (none in this case). There is no financial split to be agreed, the law has this covered already and the solicitors will deal with the funds accordingly once the sale is completed. Talking about a 'financial split' or 'financial settlement' is a complete red herring - it just doesn't apply here as they aren't married.

OP, absolutely do talk to your mortgage lender ASAP. They can talk through your options including a mortgage holiday and how the process of forcing a sale would work.

Morally speaking, you have to do what is best for you and your children. A gift from your in law's years ago that has been absorbed into your joint asset...it's nothing to do with your current situation.

Of course, legally she doesn't have to. But 35k goes really quickly in solicitor and barrister fees. 220 per hour solicitor and 5k a day barrister. Only winners will be them.

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2023 16:48

I would put in a claim for child maintenance, and ask the mortgage provider for a year break. After that, speak to the solicitor.

cstaff · 09/02/2023 16:50

This gift was given to you 10 years ago and up until now your in laws have not pursued any repayment from the two of you. This proves that it was in fact an actual gift and never intended to be repaid. Your DP is now trying to change the rules (not that there were ever any rules) just to get one over on you. You are right to call BS on this. Let your solicitor deal with this.

TibetanTerrah · 09/02/2023 16:54

my question was can he stop paying the mortgage?

In short, yes. You're both jointly liable, not liable separately for half each iyswim.

So it seems he's paying a dangerous game of chicken in order to force you to give him the 35k. Yes, he'll fuck up his own credit rating, but he'll also fuck yours up too.

You need to think carefully about who has more to lose, and whether holding firm and refusing to be bullied (which is what he's doing, let's be honest) is going to hurt you and your children more in the long run.

I rarely give into tactics like this and I don't know the ins and outs of your history and financial situation, but in this case I'd be tempted to agree to the 35k to get him to sign and get the sale moving, and go to CMS for child maintenance.

Tiger2018 · 09/02/2023 17:06

I too had a controlling one OP - It's awful to live through.
In regards to maintenance, whether he pays the mortgage or maintenance it works out to be around the same. - so go for maintenance and make sure he's aware that if he chooses to stop paying the mortgage, you will be making the mortgage company aware - I did this when my ex decided to stop paying (and didn't tell me) I had to chuck 3 months of back payments on my credit card - it's impacted my credit but I'd rather that then lose my children's home. As much as you can, keep paying the mortgage and once it's sold, your solicitor should make sure he gets his % after what you paid in alone is accounted for appropriately.

I promise OP, his control will fall away - you will be free.

Iateallthechocolate · 09/02/2023 17:09

Yes he can. He already has. Speak to mortgage provider. Tell them he has stopped paying and you can't pay. Ask them to put it on hold pending a sale.
Then go to a solicitors and instruct them to apply to force a sale. Make sure they are OK with taking their fees out of the house sale. What's left will be split according to whatever percentage you each legally own.

PrinnyPree · 09/02/2023 17:18

Some men will cut off their nose to spite their face even if it tanks their own credit score. Get child maintenance in place and contact the mortgage company for a 12 month holiday in the meantime.

If he's a stalker and abusive he may be the sort of person to take nuclear options even if it damages his own finances. He is trying to financially abuse you.

As for the people saying to give back the £35k. Fuck. That. Only do it if it you NEED to.

Original poster
Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 17:58

PrinnyPree · 09/02/2023 17:18

Some men will cut off their nose to spite their face even if it tanks their own credit score. Get child maintenance in place and contact the mortgage company for a 12 month holiday in the meantime.

If he's a stalker and abusive he may be the sort of person to take nuclear options even if it damages his own finances. He is trying to financially abuse you.

As for the people saying to give back the £35k. Fuck. That. Only do it if it you NEED to.

Thank you for this!
That sounds like a good plan, I will see if my mortgage company will let me take a holiday while the sale is pending.
My solicitor had already mentioned this as being financial abuse.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 18:28

@Chocolateandbananas123 though you will need his permission to change anything or get a mortgage holiday etc....

It's a joint mortgage?

Also you replied to one of the only replies saying to not pay it back 😂😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2023 18:37

taxpayer1 · 09/02/2023 16:24

No, it is not. She is being unreasonable to withhold 35k that doesn't belong to her. She started the war.

Show quote history

I think he declared war first. By being abusive controlling and threatening to kill op.

Go for as much as you can op. It sounds as if he earns a lot more than you.

TheMatriarchy · 09/02/2023 18:44

To make a good call on this really need to know what his salary is, what yours is, how much equity in the house, what the mortgage is. Basically is it worth fighting him in court. In the meantime, absolutely CMS claim, and speak to your mortgage provider about the financial abuse you are suffering and how they can help. Try to get in touch with: rightsofwomen.org.uk/

piggijg · 09/02/2023 19:51

@Mummyoflittledragon It doesn't matter how much he earns as they aren't married. The only asset they jointly own is the house. She has no claim to spousal maintenance, pensions, savings etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2023 10:39

piggijg · 09/02/2023 19:51

@Mummyoflittledragon It doesn't matter how much he earns as they aren't married. The only asset they jointly own is the house. She has no claim to spousal maintenance, pensions, savings etc.

I appreciate this. I’m referring to the gifted deposit and if she can get 60/40 sales split. No idea if her solicitor is correct as I always thought it was 50/50 when not married. This is to help set her and her children up rather than to fleece him.

KILM · 10/02/2023 10:45

If the 35k was just for him, then he had the option to ring-fence it at the time. He chose not to. But now he wants it back? If he considered it his, why didn't he go through the steps to do that (which are not bloody hard) he's an adult. Unless you had a clear conversation at the time that you'd pay him that 35k back if you ever split up then I don't see why he would expect it back, its housing his children.

bellswithwhistles · 10/02/2023 10:45

You need to give him the £35k back and assure him that you will.

It's not your money. It helped you 'both' buy a house but i can't believe people are saying you should keep it.

Have some morals.

bellswithwhistles · 10/02/2023 10:48

And if anyone thinks I'm wrong, you need to look at your own morals!

Imagine if it were 'her parents giving them £35 k and he was saying it was his to keep!!! It should go back to the grandparents (as ultimately I'm presuming you want them to still be a part of your children's lives?!)

piggijg · 10/02/2023 11:30

Morals simply don't figure here. It's an acrimonious divorce. If you want to talk about morals then perhaps the grandparents should have helped their own grandchildren when their alcoholic son was being a complete twat. If they meant for the money to be returned in the event the marriage broke down they could have ring fenced it. They didn't.

That said I think the OP has to think tactically about whether or not it's worth going all the way to court over especially as she is likely to come out of it either worse or best case break after she pays solicitors/barrister etc. it will be gruelling for everyone and kill stone dead any chance of a reasonable coparenting partnership in the future. She may end up right but I'm not sure it will be worth it financially or emotionally.

CountZacular · 10/02/2023 11:37

bellswithwhistles · 10/02/2023 10:48

And if anyone thinks I'm wrong, you need to look at your own morals!

Imagine if it were 'her parents giving them £35 k and he was saying it was his to keep!!! It should go back to the grandparents (as ultimately I'm presuming you want them to still be a part of your children's lives?!)

They wouldn't be missed if they are the type of grandparents who would refuse to see their grandchildren over this.

And I think you are completely wrong. I'm not married to DP and we've been together well over a decade. I funded the full deposit for our home and I didn't ring fence it - if we split I recognise he will have an equal share and that's fine. If I'm approaching this from a moral perspective I'd rather we both walked out with the same so we can suitably house our children - because my morals are firmly with the children and suitable housing for both of us first. 'Fairness' over money from a decade ago doesn't even come into the equation.

ancientgran · 10/02/2023 11:42

Isn't it £17,500 that is in dispute? If the proceeds of the sale of the house is split 50/50 then both get half of the £35k so what is being argued about is half of that. I can imagine £17,500 getting eaten up quite quickly in legal fees so I think it needs some careful thinking.

Chickpea17 · 10/02/2023 11:48

Give the money back. What he did or didn't do has nothing to do with you keeping 35k

America12 · 10/02/2023 12:02

Zipps · 09/02/2023 15:30

I'm surprised your solicitor isn't making him pay the mortgage. Court can be involved, they can take it out of his wages and unless he can prove he actually can't pay, he can't suddenly stop.

A solicitor can't make anyone pay a mortgage

Catapultaway · 10/02/2023 12:07

Does the father/s of your other kid/s contribute?
He sounds awful. I would give up the £17.5k personally and get CMS involved straight away.