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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex decided to stop paying mortgage

106 replies

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 14:26

Hope someone can offer advice please?
split up from my partner in September after 10 years. We aren’t married but have a joint mortgage. He’s been paying the mortgage since he left, which has been fine and I’ve not asked for maintenance because of this.
I want to sell the house and split 50/50 after the mortgage has been paid. Estate agents have been round, everything is ready to go but he is blocking the sale by not signing the paperwork until we reach a financial settlement, he hasn’t told me what it is but I think I Know that he wants an extra 35k due to money his parents lent when we brought the house. He won’t speak via phone only through text, with lots of ridiculous emojis!
Todays text has been that has stopped paying the mortgage on the house, I’m not currently in a position to pay as I don’t earn enough.
Can he legally just stop paying the mortgage?
I want the house to sell, I don’t want to be stuck there. How long can we go without paying the mortgage before it’s repossessed? Many thanks in advance for anyones help and advice.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/02/2023 16:02

UneFoisAuChalet · 09/02/2023 15:58

OP wants rid of him yet won’t give him what he wants to ensure she is rid of him 🤷‍♀️ The 35k from his parents might be the sole reason OP was able to purchase the house in the first place.

Sell the house, splits the proceeds 50/50 minus the 35k and claim CMS. Move on.

This seems fair.

Original poster
Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 16:02

It’s certainly not greed. And no, I don’t feel like I have a moral obligation to pay the money back. I have spent the last 10 years having my life and my childrens lives made hell living with an abusive alcoholic, I took a lot of courage to leave and I wish I’d have done it sooner for my childrens sakes.
I begged his parents for help on multiple occasions and they didn’t help.
I didn’t press charges when he was arrested for stalking.
I haven’t been to CMS for money. In fact I’ve done everything he wanted up until now.
I’m also not refusing to leave the house, this is about control and not letting me sell to keep control. He likes to remind every week that I’m living in his house.

He will have plenty left over from his half to pay it all back and have a decent amount left over.

The 35k isn’t really the problem, my question was can he stop paying the mortgage?
In regards to maintenance, whether he pays the mortgage or maintenance it works out to be around the same.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 09/02/2023 16:02

He needs to realise if mortgage goes into arrears there will be large penalties and interest charges that he will still be liable for . Cutting off his nose to spite his face .

is there much equity in the house ?

HowcanIhelp123 · 09/02/2023 16:05

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 16:02

It’s certainly not greed. And no, I don’t feel like I have a moral obligation to pay the money back. I have spent the last 10 years having my life and my childrens lives made hell living with an abusive alcoholic, I took a lot of courage to leave and I wish I’d have done it sooner for my childrens sakes.
I begged his parents for help on multiple occasions and they didn’t help.
I didn’t press charges when he was arrested for stalking.
I haven’t been to CMS for money. In fact I’ve done everything he wanted up until now.
I’m also not refusing to leave the house, this is about control and not letting me sell to keep control. He likes to remind every week that I’m living in his house.

He will have plenty left over from his half to pay it all back and have a decent amount left over.

The 35k isn’t really the problem, my question was can he stop paying the mortgage?
In regards to maintenance, whether he pays the mortgage or maintenance it works out to be around the same.

If its the same amount and he can't hide his income I'd go through CMS. He can't decide to stop paying that the same as he can the mortgage.

Unsure33 · 09/02/2023 16:06

Contact the mortgage company . It’s best to be honest . If you are intending to sell they might give you some options. Also if you are on the mortgage and can pay some of the monthly payment do that and keep meticulous records of what you have paid . Then you might not be dragged down by his stupidity.

BlueHeelers · 09/02/2023 16:06

he hasn’t told me what it is but I think I Know that he wants an extra 35k due to money his parents lent when we brought the house

Sorry, but that seems pretty reasonable, if you didn't add a similar amount?

taxpayer1 · 09/02/2023 16:06

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 16:02

It’s certainly not greed. And no, I don’t feel like I have a moral obligation to pay the money back. I have spent the last 10 years having my life and my childrens lives made hell living with an abusive alcoholic, I took a lot of courage to leave and I wish I’d have done it sooner for my childrens sakes.
I begged his parents for help on multiple occasions and they didn’t help.
I didn’t press charges when he was arrested for stalking.
I haven’t been to CMS for money. In fact I’ve done everything he wanted up until now.
I’m also not refusing to leave the house, this is about control and not letting me sell to keep control. He likes to remind every week that I’m living in his house.

He will have plenty left over from his half to pay it all back and have a decent amount left over.

The 35k isn’t really the problem, my question was can he stop paying the mortgage?
In regards to maintenance, whether he pays the mortgage or maintenance it works out to be around the same.

Nobody can for you or your ex to pay a mortgage. If you (or he) don't pay, the house will be repossessed, both credit ratings will be ruined for 6 years and you won't be able to get a 10 pounds phone on contract, another house, a rental property, or a loan. If he is willing to do that, he will pretty much destroy his life and yours.

westoftheplanets · 09/02/2023 16:06

Go through CMS.

rwalker · 09/02/2023 16:08

Agree to give the money back and move things along

and yes he can stop paying the mortgage

Blueberrywitch · 09/02/2023 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a horrible comment

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2023 16:13

You can choose not to give back the 35k and he can choose to dick you around endlessly without feeling bad because you were first to take the moral low ground.

In fairness, if he was going to start dicking around anyway you may as well keep the money i suppose.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 16:15

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 16:02

It’s certainly not greed. And no, I don’t feel like I have a moral obligation to pay the money back. I have spent the last 10 years having my life and my childrens lives made hell living with an abusive alcoholic, I took a lot of courage to leave and I wish I’d have done it sooner for my childrens sakes.
I begged his parents for help on multiple occasions and they didn’t help.
I didn’t press charges when he was arrested for stalking.
I haven’t been to CMS for money. In fact I’ve done everything he wanted up until now.
I’m also not refusing to leave the house, this is about control and not letting me sell to keep control. He likes to remind every week that I’m living in his house.

He will have plenty left over from his half to pay it all back and have a decent amount left over.

The 35k isn’t really the problem, my question was can he stop paying the mortgage?
In regards to maintenance, whether he pays the mortgage or maintenance it works out to be around the same.

I take it the house is in both your names?

If so then you've both got a legal obligation to pay the mortgage. So yes he's well within his rights to stop paying. He and you might lose the house though.....that's the choice.

The mortgage doesn't change just because you've spilt. Whatever the contract was before the spilt is the same. Unless you've spoken with the lender and explained that you won't pay it and they're happy with that?

Bellalalala · 09/02/2023 16:19

Op people stop paying their mortgages all the time. He is responsible for half the mortgage, but I don’t know what you mean ‘legally can he stop?’.

If he stops and you have no arrangement like a payment break, if he stops both your credit rating will be damaged and the house repossessed (eventually).

Theres very little anyone can do to force him to pay. Even taking him to court doesn’t mean he will.

Go for child maintenance instead.

Giving back the money is an odd situation. You’re clearly, knew it was borrowed whether they signed to say it was ‘gifted’ or not. Legally you don’t have to give it back. Personally I would as it’s going to make this much easier.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 09/02/2023 16:20

Chocolateandbananas123 · 09/02/2023 14:42

Sorry, lent may not be the right word. Legally it was gifted.
My solicitor has advised I have no legal obligation to pay back at all.

Then don't pay it back. I'm sure everyone will have an opinion but if this is the advice you have been given stick to it. My ex inherited £30,000 which went on a motorbike for him, home improvements and cleared some of his debt. When it came to the divorce he was adamant that he should have the money back....even though it was spent.....on him and for the benefit of the marriage.

Ref the mortgage - talk to your lender, let them know situation and see if you can get a payment holiday or switch to interest only for a bit. You are both equally liable for the mortgage so any defaults will hit your credit rating hard. Get a CMS claim in, they can take months to get sorted so do this as soon as you can. Don't leave the house whatever you do. And there is nothing that can make him pay his share unfortunately.

piggijg · 09/02/2023 16:20

Just make a claim through CMS and pay the mortgage yourself. There's no reason for you not to make a claim if he's stopped paying the mortgage.

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2023 16:22

My friend is in a similar situation her ex stopped paying about 18 months ago when he moved out. Luckily she can cover it.
So yes. Legally he can just stop. She is also having to take him to court in order to get the financial settlement agreed and house sold. It’s a control issue. Nothing to do with money. He doesn’t want to have no ties to her anymore.
Unfortunately it looks like you’re going to be in a similar situation

newbeggins · 09/02/2023 16:22

You are foolish to not agree to returning this £35k gift to his parents. You will rack up legal fees now. It isn't about what you went through in the marriage. If I were him I would not be as expensive as possible, even if it means losing more money.

taxpayer1 · 09/02/2023 16:24

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2023 16:22

My friend is in a similar situation her ex stopped paying about 18 months ago when he moved out. Luckily she can cover it.
So yes. Legally he can just stop. She is also having to take him to court in order to get the financial settlement agreed and house sold. It’s a control issue. Nothing to do with money. He doesn’t want to have no ties to her anymore.
Unfortunately it looks like you’re going to be in a similar situation

No, it is not. She is being unreasonable to withhold 35k that doesn't belong to her. She started the war.

FloydPepper · 09/02/2023 16:25

MiddleParking · 09/02/2023 15:29

Er, yes, we do know that means he’s paid less than he should have done. Honest to god, no wonder these scumbags get away with it.

Show quote history

Do you?
how much is the mortgage? How much would his cms be?

Stomacharmeleon · 09/02/2023 16:26

Phone mortgage company.
Try and go on interest only? For time being and explain you intend on selling.
Or pay your half?
Just make sure you inform them. And other posters are right I would stop all contact, let solicitor deal with it and speak to CMS.

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2023 16:30

taxpayer1 · 09/02/2023 16:24

No, it is not. She is being unreasonable to withhold 35k that doesn't belong to her. She started the war.

Show quote history

Maybe. It depends on what their arrangements have been in their relationship. Has she paid more of the mortgage or bills. Has she supported him? It could have been a gift to both of them at the time. I don’t think In the eyes of the law he would be entitled to it back

SpecialK2023 · 09/02/2023 16:30

piggijg · 09/02/2023 16:20

Just make a claim through CMS and pay the mortgage yourself. There's no reason for you not to make a claim if he's stopped paying the mortgage.

But then OP will be paying a mortgage that’s half his? So he will benefit from the repayments AND any uplift in value.

BemusedBrenda · 09/02/2023 16:32

I can't believe so many posters are saying OP should 'pay back' the 35k. Conveyancing law is very precise about gifts and ownership for exactly this reason. Anyone who is gifting money to be used as part of a house purchase signs to agree that it is a gift and that they have no further claim to it. When property is sold, the funds are split according to the form of ownership (joint tenants or tenants in common), and any deed of trust (none in this case). There is no financial split to be agreed, the law has this covered already and the solicitors will deal with the funds accordingly once the sale is completed. Talking about a 'financial split' or 'financial settlement' is a complete red herring - it just doesn't apply here as they aren't married.

OP, absolutely do talk to your mortgage lender ASAP. They can talk through your options including a mortgage holiday and how the process of forcing a sale would work.

Morally speaking, you have to do what is best for you and your children. A gift from your in law's years ago that has been absorbed into your joint asset...it's nothing to do with your current situation.

ArcticSkewer · 09/02/2023 16:33

If mortgage and maintenance are the same, put in a claim for maintenance and keep records of what he doesn't contribute to the mortgage from now on. Ask for that to be deducted from his half when you sell, as part of the agreement. Use that money to pay the mortgage.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 16:37

Would she be able to change the Morgage to interest only by herself?

Surely if it's a joint mortgage she'll need his agreement?!? Can someone help me with that?