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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Exh refusing to return DD for another day

58 replies

helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 18:53

My exh is threatening to keep my daughter another night tomorrow (she is at his 6/14 nights and comes back to me on Sunday nights after his weekend).

He says if I come to pick her up he will call the police. What’s the best way to deal with this? I don’t want to unsettle her by turning up at his but I can’t let him just decide to change the pattern. She's expecting to come back to me for dinner tomorrow as normal. How do I go about this wisely? Do I just file for a court order if he doesn't bring her back?

He has PR so the police won't be interested if I call.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 21/01/2023 21:06

How much does it matter?
id there a reason why

  1. he’s saying it
  2. it really makes a difference

us your daughter happy there.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/01/2023 21:15

How old is dd? Ask police for a welfare check. If the messages are odd say you have concerns about his mh.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:18

She's 5. His messages are always odd, he's an abusive arsehole! But not abusive to her. She's happy enough there but never wants to stay longer than two nights as she misses me. He's forcing the issue as he wants full 50% to spite me.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 21/01/2023 21:20

Is he planning to get her to school on Monday morning then?

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:23

@bellac11 yeah he will do, we both live close to the school and he does the school run on his days usually anyway.
It's just making me so upset trying to work out how to frame it to my daughter when she asks why she didn't come home, to avoid her realising we're fighting over her and also to not let her think I didn't want her to come home :(

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/01/2023 21:26

And your message back is.
Great, thanks - off to the pub to meet <insert bff here >..
Bet my last Christmas chocolates dd is home within an hour...

bellac11 · 21/01/2023 21:31

helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:23

@bellac11 yeah he will do, we both live close to the school and he does the school run on his days usually anyway.
It's just making me so upset trying to work out how to frame it to my daughter when she asks why she didn't come home, to avoid her realising we're fighting over her and also to not let her think I didn't want her to come home :(

Surely if she does ask this (which I wouldnt have thought she would have), the answer is 'daddy told me how much you were enjoying yourself'

If she wasnt or isnt and you have genuine concerns about this then you might have to take it further with court.

MintJulia · 21/01/2023 21:34

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/01/2023 21:26

And your message back is.
Great, thanks - off to the pub to meet <insert bff here >..
Bet my last Christmas chocolates dd is home within an hour...

This.

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 21:34

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/01/2023 21:26

And your message back is.
Great, thanks - off to the pub to meet <insert bff here >..
Bet my last Christmas chocolates dd is home within an hour...

Definitely this

Panpastels · 21/01/2023 21:36

Agree I don't think he would keep her if he thought it was helping you out. But on the long term a court order might be for the best.

Soubriquet · 21/01/2023 21:39

If dd asks, try and be upbeat about it

“daddy loved having you so much, he wanted it to be another night”

JanglyBeads · 21/01/2023 21:42

And what would he tell the olive if he called them when you tried to pick her up?!

You definitely need a court order.
Keep today's messages.

NoInvitesEver · 21/01/2023 21:44

Is it possible he's doing this to get to 50/50 to avoid child maintenance?
In any event, yes, a court order could be useful - they're rigid and not ideal but will help prevent these shenanigans each time he decides to be an arse.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:45

@NoInvitesEver I don't get maintenance - he was absolutely awful when we split up and said if I claimed maintenance he'd take me straight to court for 50/50, so I never have :(

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 21/01/2023 21:46

You need to do the Freedom Programme and learn the best reaction to abusive men like himOP.

Worriere · 21/01/2023 21:50

Did he bully you in to getting PR?

NoInvitesEver · 21/01/2023 21:52

helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:45

@NoInvitesEver I don't get maintenance - he was absolutely awful when we split up and said if I claimed maintenance he'd take me straight to court for 50/50, so I never have :(

In that case may well be worth going for a court order and stressing to court that your daughter needs stability of a main home but you're happy for her to see her DF a lot, but not 50/50. Explain the status quo and that this works but ex is unilaterally changing it.
Worst case scenario is 50/50 but you may well succeed - and if you do go straight to Child Maintenance Service.
He's controlling all this.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2023 21:54

He’s walking over you. You need to go to court for both maintenance and a proper agreement about who she’s with when. Don’t let him threaten/bully you. And keep as many messages as possible where he’s changed agreements, like tonight and threatened police/court if you try to get her etc.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/01/2023 21:55

@Worriere no, we were married when she was born so I think he got it automatically through that, plus he's on the birth certificate.

@NoInvitesEver do you have any experience with how long court stuff takes? My concern is by the time the court look at this the new status quo will already be 50% (after months of him forcing it and stealing my agreed nights) in which case I'll have no chance anyway.

OP posts:
Quveas · 21/01/2023 21:56

JanglyBeads · 21/01/2023 21:46

You need to do the Freedom Programme and learn the best reaction to abusive men like himOP.

I agree that this may be more about learning to manage him and his behaviours. If I'm reading you correctly OP, he already has 6 days out of 14 - so he only needs one more day to be 50/50 anyway. If you aren't claiming maintenance, then the court might support that and provide some minimal maintenance - but they could equally decide that 50/ 50 is only one day difference and give him that extra day, at which point all you have achieved is fixing the timetable more rigidly (which may or may not be helpful) and possibly spending a lot of money on legal proceedings.

He shouldn't be unilaterally changing arrangements, but realistically you need to work through how far you can or will take this in law against the risks, bearing in mind that he may be an abusive a*h**e but you have to deal with him for many years to come.

WandaWonder · 21/01/2023 21:56

Why on earth are you not sorting this with solicitor's?

RandomMess · 21/01/2023 21:56

Well you could actually refuse for her to go back and file an emergency court order that he failed to return her as agreed or threatened it.

RandomMess · 21/01/2023 21:57

I would put in a claim for CMS that it isn't currently 50/50.

Worriere · 21/01/2023 21:59

Oh sorry I misunderstood, I was thinking resident parent.

I'd do as PP suggests, when you get her back file an emergency court order and refuse for her to go back there. He's a nasty bully

Bepis · 21/01/2023 22:02

Worriere · 21/01/2023 21:59

Oh sorry I misunderstood, I was thinking resident parent.

I'd do as PP suggests, when you get her back file an emergency court order and refuse for her to go back there. He's a nasty bully

You need very good reasons to do this, usually when the child is in serious danger.

OP, you asked how long court cases usually take - they can vary widely depending on the issues. I've been involved in cases that have lasted 3-4 months but this last one lasted 2 years.