Child maintenance - trying to be fair!

[Jw1102]

Please can anyone offer advice? My ex is saying he can't afford to pay the amount of CM that the calculator suggests. I don't know how much is due to the fact he is renting a nice flat so they children have a nice second home or because he's bad at budgeting. Either way, I feel I have no choice but to let him reduce his payments because I don't want my girls to have to suffer by losing their second home which they really love. Im just not sure how to go about suggesting a fair amount? Ultimately, he'll probably say he can only afford x and I'll have to accept it but just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? I'm not earning loads but have been managing the last year just about despite getting next to nothing in terms of CM. Maybe I should just let him pay what he can afford if I think I can manage and take the more peaceful option? He doesn't seem to understand that he has an obligation to pay, and the fact that I work part time at the moment (one child still not school age) probably annoys him. I would look for more hours if I need to, of course, but don't want to lose that time with my child just because he can't sort himself out and budget properly, if that is the case here.

Thank you, that's a helpful way of looking at it and what I was leaning towards. Good point about planning to review whatever we agree. Am finding the cost of maintaining the house a bit daunting - in 1 year already had storm damage etc but am expecting that to be sorted out when we sell. He works evenings/nights which is mostly why I've always been the primary carer.

We still own and will probably sell when the girls are 18ish. Not divorced yet. If he had a crappy flat that was smaller he could pay more CM, that's why I thought some of the CM could be seen as going towards the flat so it's nicer/safer for the children?

It’s completely not fair for you to keep the house until your youngest is 18!
that means he cannot buy and will be in rented forever. A court is highly unlikely to agree that especially on his earnings

yiu need to start looking at what a fair settlement will be to release his share of asset or tie to the former marital home - working full time you’ll have larger ability to get better mortgage to do this
you may need to sell the property

Why should he have to have small flat on not nice area when you get the benefit of the home ( that he’s tied to) and only work part time

honestly the more I read the more unfair this situation to him is !

The problem with your predicament is what happens when the variables change?
Are you getting a mesher and you continue to pay the mortgage? What happens when you sell? Who is responsible for upkeep or when the mortgage payments go up?

When will you sell? My friend had the same arrangement and her sons are now 22. She had to buy ex out eventually but has been left with a house she can't sell as she could just about pay the mortgage (interest only) but let upkeep slide.

What happens if he meets someone else or has more kids?

As much as you don't want to both you and the other poster with a similar name would be better putting everything on a legal footing and that includes maintenance.
To say ' I don't need it' is ridiculous when you are getting UC top ups and other benefits. It's so short sighted.

If your marriage is over than separate properly. There are two many variables than can do wrong.

My DS2's dad paid a minimum as he strung me along with tails of woe and had other children. Finally, after asking for help with shoes for the nineteenth time I rang the CMS and they calculated he had to pay £350+a month. He was just playing me. And I was busting my hump to keep everything together.

How much equity is in the house OP?

And what would happen if down the line you got a new partner who you wanted to live with, would ex still be happy with the arrangement?

Its difficult but you might be better off selling the house, each buying a smaller place in a cheaper area, and possibly him having the kids another night more.

A meaner order is quite likely to be agreed by a court actually. They don't like to move children where possible.

Mesher!*

Where do the people on 2k per month live? Not sure about this point but will UC help with housing costs ?

In expensive areas of the country people average and lower salaries live:

1. With parents or elderly relations
2. In house shares

It isn't possible to have children staying over in a houseshare and he clearly doesn't have relations he can live with, so he has to rent a flat.

A meaner order is quite likely to be agreed by a court actually. They don't like to move children where possible.

It will be explained to the OP's ex that he will still legally have to pay child maintenance. As he isn't a high earner then it is likely the OP will be forced to sell the house unless she can buy him out.

It's a common agreement! We don't want the girls turfed out of the house when he's very perfectly happy to keep renting and maintain equity in a house that I'm looking after. Many people in the country can't afford to buy somewhere!

Yeah it's a mesher order that we are looking at.I do currently pay all the costs associated with the house and when my youngest starts school will be working FT. When the time comes to sell, we'll get our equity and do whatever we feel is best for ourselves at the time (sadly will probably both have inheritance by that point which will help each of us buy). If he had a new partner he can decide what works best for them, does it make a difference is we've got a legally agreed plan by then?

He might well be happy with it now OP, but a lot can change in 13 years, or even in the time it takes to get a divorce.

It might be better for your children to explore other options, it can’t be great for them seeing their dad live in a rented one bed and will probably impact their relationship with him in future if they can’t stay over comfortably.

He can't have them more because he works evenings/nights and that's not likely to change. 2 nights with him is already pushing it. Probably would get about £40K each, and neither of us could afford to buy even a 1 bed down here with that and our salaries.

I don't know what to suggest. I think it's tricky as you are in the family home. £1000 in rent alone plus does he pay additional bills? Does he run a car?
It's a lot of money and if he had to pay £300 which is at LEAST on his salary for 2 DC yes youbare right he would struggle.

It's not just about money does he help in other ways? School uniforms, school trips, does he split school hols? Overnight stays midweek.

@PinkFrogss - can I ask why not good for them to see him in a 1 bed flat? How would this hinder their relationship? He has three beds in the place, just one bedroom. So it's quite spacious really. It's a lovely flat that a lot of people would be grateful for.

Ahh I didn't realise it had 3 beds. Fine then

@Heartonmysleevee he has bills and a car too. He doesn't pay anything extra and doesn't have them extra. In fact he is currently on a three week holiday, if anything I'm the one who has them extra. But I don't mind that :)

That doesn’t sound too bed then, was thinking it may be awkward when teenagers etc if cramped, and they don’t have much personal or private space. And at the end of the day few people want to see their parents struggle.

I mean if you can search private rents and check prices in your area. Wrap around care isn't cheap and you will have 2 to pay for you may find out upping your hours and paying for 2 sets of wraparound childcare isn't even worth it.

If he has £1000 left and this is just what "he tells you". He should be paying something towards his kids. Go through CMS because they do yearly reviews and you will know his salary for a fact.

Older children and teens will not want to share a 1 bed! It’s just not feasible.

I understand things are challenging but it’s not a long term arrangement at all
has he sought legal advice yet ? Because no solicitor will tell him to agree to this! You need to look to see how you can release his equity and get him off the mortgage in much quicker time frame

Currently, It's either he has a one bed (with two floors and 3 beds) or we both have a tiny flat. So I think it's best for the girls to have the current situation? I understood courses ruled in favour of children staying in the family home normally? Which is what my ex and I agree on.

Btw Meshers are not common in divorces now, even less so where parties are not high earners, where one party could work full time thus increasing their own ability to get mortgage/buy other party out/sever financial ties sooner/children are young this impacting other party for long time.

in these circumstances it is highly probable you’d be expected to sell, courts do do this, and he’ll be advised to not accept a mesher !

Good to know, thanks! If he can't afford to pay CM he wont be able to afford legal advice, so hopefully he (and I) don't get into too many problems because we can't afford to pay for advice right now. Thanks for your input!

Courts favour divorcing couples to reach clean break as soon as is feasible which usually means selling the house, returning to work as soon as possible , freeing parties up from ongoing financial links ( other than child maintenance) in the quickest possible time.

they can award Meshers but these are increasingly rare - often reserved whdn children are much older and time to 18 is short or in cases where non resident parent is high earner and only as a last resort where there is no alternative m. Courts are not usually concerned that both parties with children have to rent in order to avoid this.

anyway, good luck op , I think you’ll need to have a rethink soon but hopefully you’ll consider other options then

Thank you :) we can't see an alternative to this as nothing else seems financially variable. I came for CM advice and left with many more worries, but I'd rather know than be in the dark. Main thing is all of us are much happier now than we were a year ago and hopefully it will stay that way.