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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do I stop crying?

65 replies

OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 06:45

For those who have seen my other thread in my DH's mental health issues you will know he ended our marriage yesterday. I'm now staying somewhere else for a few days to try and at least start to come to terms with it.

I have sobbed all night and I just can't stop. I feel bereft. How do I get through this? I can't see passed the fact that he won't be there anymore.

Please tell me this gets better.

OP posts:
dalisdrippingclock · 11/10/2022 07:05

I didn't see your other post, but didn't feel I could scroll past. One step at a time, one day at a time. You are probably in shock and it's ok to cry all day and let yourself feel it all. Be gentle and kind with yourself, it does get easier Flowers

Bedazzled22 · 11/10/2022 07:07

Im so sorry its so hard to deal with i have been there when my exh ended marriage to be with OW. Not read other thread so you must have been unhappy too?

You have to just take it day at a time and know it will get better. ever changing emotions is normal one minute sad then angry but you will get through it. I thought I’d never get over it. I didnt want to in a way. But I did. Look after and be kind to yourself. Dont torture yourself with thinking how is he feeling… think about you only . This too shall pass!

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 08:46

@dalisdrippingclock - thank you for posting, I think you are right about the shock. I was curled up in a ball last night feeling as though my world had ended. I guess in a way it has…

OP posts:
Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 08:49

@Bedazzled22 - I was unhappy as he has untreated mental health issues, but can’t see that he needed help. I was hoping it would resolve, but clearly he has decided to sort things out in a different way. I understand about what you mean that you didn’t want to get over it. I am shocked at how physical the pain is, not just emotional.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 11/10/2022 09:40

Yes you are right it is a physical pain as well as emotional. Your emotions will swing in so many ways. One minute you will be sad the next minute angry but know that those emotions won’t stay like that forever and you will reach acceptance , but for now as the previous post has said you are in shock.

You have to be kind to yourself. Do you have some good friends in real life that can support you?

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 11:31

@Bedazzled22 - I have some lovely friends who are being wonderful, in that sense I am very lucky. I hope that in the next few days these awful feelings will lesson, just a little.

OP posts:
stonebraker · 11/10/2022 13:53

It's okay to cry and it's okay to feel the way you do. I'm sorry that you are going through it.
In additional to everything "life", if your DH has mental issues and you have been supporting him through thick and thin, you will probably feel a void, an emptiness that's beyond my understanding. I do feel for you and the pain you are feeling at the moment.
Try not to think about the future (even what to expect in the next few days). If it still hurts, so be it-accept it. If you feel better celebrate. Try to fill that empty space with something of your choice. Maybe coffee with a friend, watch a program of your choice, maybe a hobby? Feel proud of every decision you make for yourself. Be kind to yourself and your heart.
One day at a time, it's the end but also a new beginning. I wish you courage and strength.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 15:40

@stonebraker thank you for your wise words, there are a lot of very wise folks on MN. At the moment I am going hour by hour…

This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, by a long, long way. I never thought something could feel as bad as this.

OP posts:
YorkshireLeedsLass · 11/10/2022 20:12

OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 15:40

@stonebraker thank you for your wise words, there are a lot of very wise folks on MN. At the moment I am going hour by hour…

This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, by a long, long way. I never thought something could feel as bad as this.

In a very similar situation and feel the same as you. Feel free to pm me if you need to. Take care x

25yearsofmarriaganditsover · 12/10/2022 23:28

I have come to MN for the first time in years feeling exactly the same way. Its not an exaggeration to say I would rather not be here at the moment, I have children so obviously I would never do anything about that feeling, but this kind of pain is hard to bear. For what it's worth you're not alone. And any friend worth their salt would want you to pick up the phone to them despite, no, because of the sobs. Take care, we are the walking wounded, but we shall prevail.

GetThatHelmetOn · 12/10/2022 23:41

Op, grief needs to be grieved… It will hurt for a while, but you will move from that. I would say, don’t try to fight the pain, what you resist persists. It is less painful to accept you will love him until one day the pain go away, than trying to convince your heart, mind and body to stop loving.

Everybody that goes through a divorce experiences a period of shock, the shock is not necessarily about the relationship ending but about life, as you know it, changing. It is the uncertainty that makes you suffer, the not knowing what happens or what won’t happen next.

Once that you know where you are going to live, where he is going to live and put your stuff in order you will feel more in control of your life and your future. In the meantime, write a list about all the good reasons for this to end and refer back to it every time you start missing him.

You will be fine, you will not only survive this, this can be the making of you, so head high, cry if you need to from time but start planing and putting things in place to build this new life of you. 💐

beccahamlet · 12/10/2022 23:45

Give yourself time. It's a bereavement. It will get better but it takes time. Your life hasn't ended, but it is a new beginning. Good luck to anyone going through it.

stonebraker · 14/10/2022 13:25

I read this today and it makes so much sense:
"My grandmother once gave me a tip: In difficult times, you move forward in small steps. Do what you have to do, but little by little. Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes. Remove the dust. Write a letter. Make a soup. You see? You are advancing step by step. Take a step and stop. Rest a little. Praise yourself. Take another step. Then another. You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more. And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying."

  • Elena Mikhalkova, The Room of Ancient Keys
Soonenough · 15/10/2022 09:32

I too felt like this was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I discovered he had been leading a whole separate life.

The physical reaction was huge , I couldn't believe it . It really took a toll on me .
At the time , I reached out to MN as I couldn't talk to anyone on RL . There, the reassures that I would get through this phase helped enormously . I didn't really believe it though . But two years later , I am a fully functioning adult and going on with life.

There will always be a tinge of sadness and regret but it no longer defines me or occupies my every thought.
You will get through this and you WILL be OK

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 15/10/2022 13:42

I'm still sobbing my heart out. Thank you for all your messages, and I'm sending virtual hugs to all. This is utterly brutal.

OP posts:
Username112233 · 16/10/2022 20:42

@OnMyOwnSoSad hello, I couldn't read and not comment. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it truly is soul destroying

I'm in a very similar position and was in a similar position to yourself only a few weeks ago, not wanting to be here and crying daily. I can hand on heart say it does get better. Be kind to yourself

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 17/10/2022 03:12

Username112233 · 16/10/2022 20:42

@OnMyOwnSoSad hello, I couldn't read and not comment. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it truly is soul destroying

I'm in a very similar position and was in a similar position to yourself only a few weeks ago, not wanting to be here and crying daily. I can hand on heart say it does get better. Be kind to yourself

Thank you for your post. It does give me hope. I'm in pieces and it's hard to see much beyond the next few hours. I know that I will start to feel better, but right now I just need to hang on... sending hugs to all...

OP posts:
Username112233 · 17/10/2022 10:31

Please keep hanging in there. I'm 6 weeks down the line and already miles better. The fact he is being controlling and manipulative probably helps me as it cements the fact that this is a person I no longer want in my life, despite the fact he always will be due to our son

Baby steps. I couldn't get out of bed for a long time (and sometimes still struggle) I'm off work for a week now which is helping as I wasn't able to focus in work when I was there. Have a hot bath, do not worry about housework etc as your health is your priority right now

I can hand on heart say it will get better. Talk talk talk to your friends, speak to your GP and if you can afford private therapy go for it.

If you're getting through the day minute by minute, that's ok. The pain you feel is a testament to how deeply you can love, and he is clearly not deserving of that.

There is no shame in feeling like this. You'll get stronger every day, you just won't realise it

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 17/10/2022 19:23

Username112233 · 17/10/2022 10:31

Please keep hanging in there. I'm 6 weeks down the line and already miles better. The fact he is being controlling and manipulative probably helps me as it cements the fact that this is a person I no longer want in my life, despite the fact he always will be due to our son

Baby steps. I couldn't get out of bed for a long time (and sometimes still struggle) I'm off work for a week now which is helping as I wasn't able to focus in work when I was there. Have a hot bath, do not worry about housework etc as your health is your priority right now

I can hand on heart say it will get better. Talk talk talk to your friends, speak to your GP and if you can afford private therapy go for it.

If you're getting through the day minute by minute, that's ok. The pain you feel is a testament to how deeply you can love, and he is clearly not deserving of that.

There is no shame in feeling like this. You'll get stronger every day, you just won't realise it

Thanks @Username112233... I'm hanging on, work is giving me some structure but it's so hard... I know it isn't a medical reality but I'm sure I felt my heart break a few days ago...

OP posts:
Solosunrise · 17/10/2022 19:30

May i recommend a really useful book by Rosie Green: How To Heal A Broken Heart

Sorry you're so sad. Best wishes to you Flowers

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 17/10/2022 19:39

Solosunrise · 17/10/2022 19:30

May i recommend a really useful book by Rosie Green: How To Heal A Broken Heart

Sorry you're so sad. Best wishes to you Flowers

Thanks @Solosunrise - I will look that up. I think what I'm finding so difficult is that if he'd only get some help we might be able to get through it, together.

OP posts:
Solosunrise · 18/10/2022 06:42

That's very understandable @OnMyOwnSoSad as him not getting help is a rejection in itself. Hugs xx

BeautifulElephant · 22/10/2022 20:42

Hello, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It sounds very painful and frustrating.

Since you're really feeling it now, you may be getting it out of your system,.so that you can move on. If you're still crying uncontrollably in a few days then maybe you've slipped into something unhealthy. But for now I think it's a completely normal response.

I'm really struggling with this too. I have this deep sadness underlying everything. I want to ignore it but I can't especially when I'm on my own in the evenings. I'm away at a friend's now and I still feel it.

If you want to pm me for some moral support please do.

Bedazzled22 · 31/10/2022 19:47

@25yearsofmarriaganditsover How are you doing and how are you OP?

its so sad isnt i’m going through a break up too and its so painful. But one day at a time.

25yearsofmarriaganditsover · 01/11/2022 22:13

Thanks bedazzled22, I was in shock, now I’m going through a seriously sad/questioning faze. When your future is obliterated it can be hard to look forwards rather than dwell on what you’ve lost. For me, seeing people, going out and getting my decent clothes on, remembering that I’m quite fun and a nice person, is key. Every small interaction matters. When you’re thinking about someone you’re talking to it takes you away from yourself. But then acknowledging those pits of sadness is also important, having either a therapist or friend to whom you can say your darkest thoughts is cathartic and necessary. Having a go-to list of his imperfections helps prevent over romanticisation of the past. I am lucky, I have older children and they have some level of empathy but I can see this will take time. It’s a huge change regardless of the rejection and hurt, with luck and stoicism we may actually be happier in the future. Laughing with some Ryan Reynolds doppelgänger sipping champagne at some beachfront property where our blended families are partying harmoniously by the pool. A girl can dream.