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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do I stop crying?

65 replies

OnMyOwnSoSad · 11/10/2022 06:45

For those who have seen my other thread in my DH's mental health issues you will know he ended our marriage yesterday. I'm now staying somewhere else for a few days to try and at least start to come to terms with it.

I have sobbed all night and I just can't stop. I feel bereft. How do I get through this? I can't see passed the fact that he won't be there anymore.

Please tell me this gets better.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 06/11/2022 09:13

Well, things are in a very odd place now. DH says he wants to work things out. We are in a weird limbo where I am not sure what is happening, we seem to be getting along just about OK, but I can see it is all on a knife edge. I am finding it so hard as I had taken the first baby steps towards accepting that we were going to divorce. It might be too late now. He is going to get some help for his MH, but I am not sure I have enough in me to help him through it. I am so tired and exhausted from it all. The wound is still so raw and open.

@BeautifulElephant , @Bedazzled22 - I’m so sorry to hear you are in a similar place, how are you doing?

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Bedazzled22 · 06/11/2022 23:05

@OnMyOwnSoSad Im doing ok. DP and I breaking up and planning next steps. Feeling sick at thought of telling DS hes such a happy teenager and also my elderly parents. Ive already been divorced feel such a loser really. But I know I’ll be ok im lucky as I have a job and good friends. We will all get there!

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 07/11/2022 05:09

I need a handhold... I thought we might be able to salvage things but now I am not so sure. DH is dissatisfied with every aspect of our relationship. We have no common ground now and I can't see a way through. I feel broken hearted all over again. I just can't face it anymore. I'd rather work through this pain once than keep being torn open by his criticisms every few days. Is this just a very long terrible break-up now?

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Bedazzled22 · 07/11/2022 06:29

Im sorry, that is making it worse for you but to’ing and fro’ing is a symptom of a break up I think when people are Struggling to face the decision. Just take each day at a time. You will get through it and be happy again, you must hold onto that thought.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 07/11/2022 06:36

Bedazzled22 · 07/11/2022 06:29

Im sorry, that is making it worse for you but to’ing and fro’ing is a symptom of a break up I think when people are Struggling to face the decision. Just take each day at a time. You will get through it and be happy again, you must hold onto that thought.

the to'ing and fro'ing is right, I can't see that this is doing either of us any good at all. I don't want to end up hating him, or him hating me. If we split now we would both be heartbroken, but we wouldn't hate each other. At least we could wish each other well and hope to rebuild independently. I can't believe how much this hurts.

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ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 07/11/2022 06:40

OK, so he wants to fix this relationship but do you? You don't sound like you do to me. Have you perhaps discovered a life beyond constantly treading on eggshells and deferring to his mioda and putting him first? Can you maybe see that life on the other side of a relationship with him night have some bright points, some lightness and happiness that life with him does not, did not, would not?

It ripped me to pieces when my (also mentally ill) dh had an affair and the relationship ended, but there was also a huge sense of relief to not be responsible for another adult any more.

If this is what you're feeling then that's OK. You don't have to ignore your own feelings to glue this together because that's what he wants. You're allowed to have a say and for that to be different to his.

Don't be hasty. Take time. get individual counselling. Make good choices for you, not for anyone else or for the status quo. Take care.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 07/11/2022 06:40

Mioda? I meant moods

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 07/11/2022 06:51

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 07/11/2022 06:40

OK, so he wants to fix this relationship but do you? You don't sound like you do to me. Have you perhaps discovered a life beyond constantly treading on eggshells and deferring to his mioda and putting him first? Can you maybe see that life on the other side of a relationship with him night have some bright points, some lightness and happiness that life with him does not, did not, would not?

It ripped me to pieces when my (also mentally ill) dh had an affair and the relationship ended, but there was also a huge sense of relief to not be responsible for another adult any more.

If this is what you're feeling then that's OK. You don't have to ignore your own feelings to glue this together because that's what he wants. You're allowed to have a say and for that to be different to his.

Don't be hasty. Take time. get individual counselling. Make good choices for you, not for anyone else or for the status quo. Take care.

"A life beyond..." is exactly what I am seeing, and that is so shocking to me that even the thought of it is overwhelming. I was in John Lewis the other day and started to think about curtains for my next home... I think it says it all doesn't it?

I'm not scared of managing on my own, I am lucky, I am financially independent from DH, so from a practical point of view it is OK, I think it is just overwhelming grief for what could have been and will no longer be.

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Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 07/11/2022 06:53

I don't know how I find the courage to rip the plaster off now...

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Username112233 · 07/11/2022 10:50

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this @OnMyOwnSoSad. You've been through the mill emotion wise

From reading previous threads and a lot of other things, this seems to be the norm for a lot of people, men leave and then want to come back. In the interim however, the woman has adjusted to the separation and this then pulls the rug out from under their feet.

If he's not willing to discuss it, I'd pull the plaster off and just get it over with. There are clearly issues, and communication is one if not the most important thing in a relationship

It's not fair for you to be feeling like this

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 07/11/2022 11:53

I've just read the whole of this thread back and want to say thank you to everyone who has posted. Your kind answers and sharing of experiences help keep me from going under in a fog of utter sadness. I'm hanging on trying to work out how I tell him it's over. I'm scared, but that he will hurt me but because I think it might destroy him. My wonderful husband who disappeared... I wish so much I could find him again...

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Username112233 · 07/11/2022 13:40

Please don't worry if you go under in a fog of sadness, you'll probably feel it for a while. I'm a few months down the line, though I was doing better but am sad again. Please keep taking any medication you're on, it truest helps.

You will get there

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 07/11/2022 14:12

I mean, you don't have to rip it off. You can tease it off bit by bit if that's easier for you.
"I need time"
"We need separate counselling first"
"I think a bit more time apart would be good for us"
"I'm not ready to move back in together"
"I don't know if we can repair what was broken"
"You really hurt me and I don't know how to get past that"
"I don't know if I can ever get past the hurt you caused me"
"Do you think maybe it's time we both moved on?"
"I'm not sure there's much of a relationship to save"
Etc etc...

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 05/12/2022 20:15

We are still trying to get through this but some things that have been said tonight are so bad and in my opinion so unfair that I don't see a way to fix this. DH thinks we will manage it but I don't see how. Just looking for a hand hold really... I'm so devastated...

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25yearsofmarriaganditsover · 05/12/2022 21:09

It sounds pretty awful, you have done your best. Nastiness is never justified. I think you need to go your separate ways, to a future more in your control and with the opportunity of happiness. Something tells me he’s crossed a line for you.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 05/12/2022 21:37

@25yearsofmarriaganditsover - I hadn't seen it as crossing a line but you are right. I love him or at least I love the man he was... for some reason tonight seems to have given me courage to actually go.

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ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 05/12/2022 22:45

Your allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to reach a breaking point and say "this is enough". You are allowed to put yourself first.
Still here and listening x

Pleasecreateausername13 · 06/12/2022 07:09

OP - I’m not sure if you still want to fix it but as it’s still going on I assume there is a part of you that does.

Words that at said at a time of anger a true hard to let go at the time but if you can learn to draw a line under it, it can be forgiven.

Have you both considered couples counselling? Because I honestly think that’s is your option at the minute, it may help you to see where both your futures are.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 09/12/2022 03:57

It's been bad again the last few nights. I'm desperate to try and save this but I don't think there is any way that I can. He sees his view of the world as justified and he's not listening. A couple of weeks before Christmas is not a great time to separate is it?

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25yearsofmarriaganditsover · 09/12/2022 06:32

There’s never good time. Just do everything you can to look after yourself and preserve your sanity. Treat yourself like your dearest friend, whatever you decide, it takes time and you must now put yourself first and look after your health. Get support from as many people as possible. I feel your pain. Keep going. We all wish you well.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 09/12/2022 06:45

Well, it would be nice to have a criticism-free Xmas. 💐

Ladybug14 · 09/12/2022 06:53

It seems to me that he wants to fix you

Not to fix the relationship

Just a word on that -- you DO NOT need fixing

Let him go. Move on.

Make joy and sparkles for yourself in 2023

bumpytrumpy · 09/12/2022 07:08

OnMyOwnSoSad · 09/12/2022 03:57

It's been bad again the last few nights. I'm desperate to try and save this but I don't think there is any way that I can. He sees his view of the world as justified and he's not listening. A couple of weeks before Christmas is not a great time to separate is it?

The best time to separate was the start of this thread, dragging it out is not doing anyone any favours. Least of all you.

This Christmas could be the first of your new life. Or it could be another day of trauma, angst and stress. You decide.

sandgrown · 09/12/2022 07:11

My partner suffered from depression and anxiety and though he was medicated he did nothing else to help himself . We were constantly walking on eggshells but I felt I had to try and help him. I was always covering for him and excusing his nasty comments. I had to move our teenage son out when he attacked him while drunk and then he had the cheek to end it and try and throw me out of our home. Life was hard for a while and still is financially but my son and I are now so much happier and relaxed .Instead of dreading Christmas ruined by drink we are looking forward to good times with family . Keep going OP. It’s hard but you owe it to yourself. He may never change.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 09/12/2022 16:33

@bumpytrumpy - when I first read your reply I thought, that's harsh, but then with the next breath I thought, no, that's right.

I've told him where my head is. Not sure what's next. January will tell I think.

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