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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wants to come over 4 nights a week to see children

55 replies

NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 17:24

My husband and I have been separated for over a year now. The children and I live in the family home (it is still in joint names) and ex rents but has opted to rent somewhere without a spare room (he loves to tell everyone, including the kids, that I take all his money so he can't afford anywhere for them to stay. This is not true, he has opted to rent somewhere small within a few minutes of the house but he could have got a much bigger place 15-20 minutes away but said it was too far away ).

He never was involved with the kids, has a bad relationship with the older ones, was emotionally abusive and financially abusive. I have anyways been primary carer and have done everything. He now wants to get involved with everything and be here at the family home as much as possible. He has even got cross one time when I took the children to the supermarket with me rather than ringing him and asking him to come over and look after them whilst I do the shopping. I have no space from him and usually end up seeing him 4 times a week. He gets verbally abuse and sends irrate texts when I say we are busy or the children are out with friends. It is always about him, not what the children want or need to do.

We are going through mediation and I plan to ask for a set schedule so that he sees them the same days every week so that I know when I have to see him and they kids know what is happening. My mental health is suffering with him just announcing he will now be coming along to x of the kids activities (he can't pick them up from home and take them there without me as he is still at work when activities start so he just wants to turn up part way through, watch and then expects to be invited back for dinner or tea after), he wants to sit around here watching TV all weekend (occasionally organises an activity but the kids often don't want to go out with him).

I can't carry on seeing him so many days a week, we separated for a reason and I feel like each day I am now either seeing him or worrying that he might turn up at any moment or am being bombarded with phonecalls texts about why I have not let him see the children that day.

I am so scared that he will bully me into making this a permanent arrangement, where he sees them all weekend every weekend and a couple of nights a week. Will the mediator try to help us come to an alternative greement? I feel like I have no voice around this man and that he just shouts or talks over me until I back down and let him have his way. He can be very forceful and persuasive and I know I will struggle to explain my reasons when he is demanding answers to why he can't attend every activity, come over to help with homework, look after the kids everytime etc. I don't want to stop him seeing his children but I can't see him this often and the children also need a break from him (their mental health suffering was one of the many reasons I left him).

Sorry for the very long rambling post. I'm not too sure what I'm asking really, I'm just so worried I'll be bullied into something that is not in the children's or my interest.

OP posts:
Funinthemud · 11/09/2022 17:48

You both need to attend mediation

Get a written agreement between the two of you of how you are both to behave

As in which activities he can attend and when he is to leave

And from your side when you are to make the children available for him to do activities with (you can have some time off then and relax)

A written contract is a good basis but it's up to you to enforce it

It's a good basis though

KurtCobainsColourfulCarpet · 11/09/2022 17:50

You need to be very aware that he's only proposing this as a desperate away to claw back a bit of control over you. It isn't for your children, so don't feel bad not allowing it. Be fiercely protective over your own space and your new life away from him.

pointythings · 11/09/2022 17:52

He's doing this to control you because you dared to leave. So you need a contact agreement that is written down and set in stone, and then you need to stick to it. It may have to be done through the courts to have weight. Your house is your space and he has no right to be there - if he wants contact, it's up to him to ensure there is a suitable venue for it.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/09/2022 17:58

No ex should cross a threshold imo.
Him and your dc need to see you really are apart.
My exh tried to have me arrested for shutting my back door on his foot as he refused to let me shut the door - peering in was his hobby.
I have posted about Blindsgate before...
Mediation ASAP. It isn't best for the dc to see you still stressed and under his control..
What was the point of splitting if you have no say in your future?

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:31

Thank you so for your replies.

I feel like I have no future away from him @KurtCobainsColourfulCarpet. I spent so many years walking on eggshells when I lived with him and I feel the same now that I am always scared of his reaction to every text message I send in reply to him, everyone I ignore his phone calls or tell him we are busy. He says this is his home still so he can come round when he wants, he then lives to tell the kids that mummy has made him uncertified in his own home. I would love to change the locks. I have paid the mortgage for the last 12 months and hate that he still had this hold over me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:34

A contract is what I would like to start with @Funinthemud . I have had my miam, so has he, and we are awaiting a date for a joint mediation session. I suppose I worry that he will twist everything around to make it look like I am unreasonable and stopping him from seeing the children and that I will get written down at mediation into agreeing what he wants. (he is very good at turning everything around to be able him and his suffering)

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 11/09/2022 19:34

What’s the plan for the divorce/settlement and house?

that’s how you tags control

split your assets, move on

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:36

{mention:Creepymanonagoatfarm}that@Creepymanonagoatfarmtosounds awful. feel like this is my home, but at we stop own it jointly (which he reminds me of daily) I feel like I have no safe space and neither do the children. They complain when they hear he is coming over and have refused to go to activities/clubs before us he is coming to watch.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 11/09/2022 19:37

You are separated. How far are you with the divorce? What advice have you had from your solicitor?

Ultimately you can't do mediation with an abuser. He won't negotiate and you'll just end up being bullied. You shouldn't even be expecting to see him if you have a set schedule - it should just be kids walk out of your house to his car, no interaction between you. If you are still thinking of waiting for his offer, then you are far too affected by his abuse to be able to do mediation.

I'm sure you realise he has no interest in being in your house to see the children, but to control you.

Get out of mediation as soon as you can and move the divorce along.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:39

NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:36

{mention:Creepymanonagoatfarm}that@Creepymanonagoatfarmtosounds awful. feel like this is my home, but at we stop own it jointly (which he reminds me of daily) I feel like I have no safe space and neither do the children. They complain when they hear he is coming over and have refused to go to activities/clubs before us he is coming to watch.

Sorry starting writing a post then my wouldn't let me keep typing in the correct place so ignore my part reply!

@Creepymanonagoatfarm that sounds awful. I hope he has stopped now. I am hoping we can have our first joint mediation session this month and start the process. The children definitely need to see that we have separated, it's confusing for them they way things are at the moment.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 11/09/2022 19:42

Have you changed the locks since he moved out?

You don't need to have him in the house, and I certainly wouldn't.

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2022 19:43

I’m sorry but you are probably going to have to sell the house & split the equity so that he can buy a place of his own where he will spend time with the children. You’ll get more of the equity but he is entitled to some. Talk to a solicitor and get the divorce & financial settlement sorted, and then you need not ever see him again.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 11/09/2022 19:43

Meditation is often not recommended when a partner is abusive because of just what you are saying about finding it incredibly difficult to safely find your voice around him. You should have an opportunity to meet with your mediator beforehand, talk through your reflections on the relationship and determine if this is the right route for you to resolve your contact arrangements. If you do go ahead with mediation adaptions can be put in place. For my friend who had a challenging separation she was able to be in a separate room and the mediator went between the two rooms, it enabled her to feel safe to put reasonable expectations in place.
The current approach does not work for you or the children and needs to stop. You shouldn't have to accommodate him in the current house for contact given your relationship history.

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 11/09/2022 19:44

Mediation sorry - meditation probably wouldn't be effective either!

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:47

I can't afford to file for divorce yet so am still no where closer to a legal split. As soon as I have the money I am going to file for divorce.

My solicitor suggested mediation as a cheaper alternative to solicitors negotiating on my behalf. She said I need to try to get some firm boundaries in place for when he sees them, when he comes to the house etc. but she also warned me that as we own the house jointly I can't stop him coming round, can't change the locks etc. and legally he could move back in tomorrow if he wanted to.

This is my worry @AnnaMagnani , he will bully me and negotiation will be impossible. He can never be told that his opinion is wrong it just makes him angry. In some ways I would love the mediator to say our case isn't suitable for mediation and to try to sort things via solicitors. My worry is that if we can't agree and it goes to court he will get 50/50 care of the children. This would be so damaging to the kids mental health. They are so much happier since he left and if they had to live with him again I may as well have kept things the way they were.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:49

I had a Telephone appointment with my mediator but found it all very expensive and not very helpful. I don't hold out much help for the process. Or first joint session will be via zoom which I am dreading (I hate online zoom meetings!).

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:51

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2022 19:43

I’m sorry but you are probably going to have to sell the house & split the equity so that he can buy a place of his own where he will spend time with the children. You’ll get more of the equity but he is entitled to some. Talk to a solicitor and get the divorce & financial settlement sorted, and then you need not ever see him again.

I was going to be able to buy him out (with the help of family) but I think even if the house was legally mine he would still feel it was his and Terry to come round all the time. I would love to relocate an hour or two away but I know he wrote just follow

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 19:52

Whataretheodds · 11/09/2022 19:42

Have you changed the locks since he moved out?

You don't need to have him in the house, and I certainly wouldn't.

I wish I could but my solicitor told me not to. She said if I change the locks I would need to give him a new key

OP posts:
eighteenmonthstogo · 11/09/2022 19:57

Your solicitor should be advising you about divorce. What does 'you can't afford it' actually mean ? The actual court fees are £560aprox and reduced for a low income. The house needs to be sold if you can't buy him out. Solicitor fees can come out of the settlement/house sale.

All the time you jointly own he has a right to be in there, so you will be stuck in this loop.

Saynotothefishtank · 11/09/2022 19:58

pointythings · 11/09/2022 17:52

He's doing this to control you because you dared to leave. So you need a contact agreement that is written down and set in stone, and then you need to stick to it. It may have to be done through the courts to have weight. Your house is your space and he has no right to be there - if he wants contact, it's up to him to ensure there is a suitable venue for it.

This.

mathanxiety · 11/09/2022 20:11

Technically speaking, he can't be excluded from the family home as long as it remains in joint ownership.

You need to sell the family home or buy him out and remortgage in your name only if you want to be able to exclude him. So this needs to be part of the divorce agreement.

What you need to aim for in your high conflict divorce is visitation eow for your H. It is up to him to find a place to live to make that possible. Once the family home is disposed of, he will no longer have the option of seeing the children there.

I would try to get a visitation agreement that leaves absolutely nothing open to dispute or differing interpretation or that relies on the assumption of good faith or willingness to cooperate on the part of your ex. Every day of the year should be accounted for. It should be emphasised that the best interests of the children are the priority in a visitation agreement, not the ego of the parents.

Velvian · 11/09/2022 20:17

100% sell the house and buy or rent somewhere of your own. Hopefully he will start dating someone soon and will back off.

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2022 20:19

It’s not a good idea to move so far away from him, and the children’s schools etc, without a very good reason and won’t look good if it does come down to a residency battle. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got anything to worry about on that score but don’t make any silly mistakes.

FictionalCharacter · 11/09/2022 20:20

What a nightmare. Divorce proceedings surely have to be your urgent priority, even if you have to borrow initially to fund it. Until you have a divorce and everything is imposed on him in a legally binding way, he’ll continue tormenting you and your kids.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 11/09/2022 20:20

eighteenmonthstogo · 11/09/2022 19:57

Your solicitor should be advising you about divorce. What does 'you can't afford it' actually mean ? The actual court fees are £560aprox and reduced for a low income. The house needs to be sold if you can't buy him out. Solicitor fees can come out of the settlement/house sale.

All the time you jointly own he has a right to be in there, so you will be stuck in this loop.

At the end of the month after I have paid the mortgage, all households bills, credit card, all children's activities, petrol any clothes the kids need, childcare bills, school trips, food etc. I'm lucky if I have £25 left over so it will take me months to save up the £560 divorce fee. I know it is reduced for low income, I am on universal credit but my wages are not quite low enough for the fees to be waived. It took me two months to save the £120 for my MIAM. I don't know how I can afford anymore solicitors bills, mediation appointments or to file for divorce

OP posts: