Ex wants to come over 4 nights a week to see children

[NeedSleepNow]

My husband and I have been separated for over a year now. The children and I live in the family home (it is still in joint names) and ex rents but has opted to rent somewhere without a spare room (he loves to tell everyone, including the kids, that I take all his money so he can't afford anywhere for them to stay. This is not true, he has opted to rent somewhere small within a few minutes of the house but he could have got a much bigger place 15-20 minutes away but said it was too far away ).

He never was involved with the kids, has a bad relationship with the older ones, was emotionally abusive and financially abusive. I have anyways been primary carer and have done everything. He now wants to get involved with everything and be here at the family home as much as possible. He has even got cross one time when I took the children to the supermarket with me rather than ringing him and asking him to come over and look after them whilst I do the shopping. I have no space from him and usually end up seeing him 4 times a week. He gets verbally abuse and sends irrate texts when I say we are busy or the children are out with friends. It is always about him, not what the children want or need to do.

We are going through mediation and I plan to ask for a set schedule so that he sees them the same days every week so that I know when I have to see him and they kids know what is happening. My mental health is suffering with him just announcing he will now be coming along to x of the kids activities (he can't pick them up from home and take them there without me as he is still at work when activities start so he just wants to turn up part way through, watch and then expects to be invited back for dinner or tea after), he wants to sit around here watching TV all weekend (occasionally organises an activity but the kids often don't want to go out with him).

I can't carry on seeing him so many days a week, we separated for a reason and I feel like each day I am now either seeing him or worrying that he might turn up at any moment or am being bombarded with phonecalls texts about why I have not let him see the children that day.

I am so scared that he will bully me into making this a permanent arrangement, where he sees them all weekend every weekend and a couple of nights a week. Will the mediator try to help us come to an alternative greement? I feel like I have no voice around this man and that he just shouts or talks over me until I back down and let him have his way. He can be very forceful and persuasive and I know I will struggle to explain my reasons when he is demanding answers to why he can't attend every activity, come over to help with homework, look after the kids everytime etc. I don't want to stop him seeing his children but I can't see him this often and the children also need a break from him (their mental health suffering was one of the many reasons I left him).

Sorry for the very long rambling post. I'm not too sure what I'm asking really, I'm just so worried I'll be bullied into something that is not in the children's or my interest.

Can you afford to sell the house? I had to do this to stop controlling ex coming in and out as he pleased. I ended up with a flat but honestly we were free and much happier after moving. I know it’s hard to give up your home, but for the sake of good mental health it’s worth it.

EOW is what I would like to aim for. He can then take them out somewhere or have them to his place once he has somewhere with enough space. I can then have a whole weekend with them then too rather than only going out for a few hours like I do at the moment for fear of him creating a scene about it. I don't mind him seeing them in the week but they have activities and homework too which needs doing and it is unsettling if he turns up for a bit at their clubs, tries to talk to me and the other parents like we're playing happy families and then gets angry or upset if I don't ask him for dinner after, or he comes round and completely disrupts routine and they all end up going to bed ridiculously late. The children find it unsettling not knowing when they will see him, and they often don't want him at their activities at he can be very critical of their level of effort/skill and they get disheartened.

As much as I would love to relocate for a fresh start I wouldn't. I know it would be too unsettling for the children, I'd need a new job, new home, new schools etc. it would be too much for everyone and would cause more problems with my ex.

@Wibbly1008 I really don't know what to do about the house. In an ideal world I would be able to stay here with the children. I had thought I would be able to buy him out (with help from family) but the house value has gone up a lot recently and I don't know if I can raise enough money now to buy him out. The affordability will also depend on the split of finances. MY solicitor thinks 60/40 in my favour would be fair but ex is expecting 50/50.

If I sold and bought subverting what I would still need help from family in order to have a bigger deposit and will need help to get a guarantor mortgage (I work part time and am about to start a college course to try to better my career prospects so can't borrow a lot in my own name. I have up a good career when I had the children). They problem will be that with interest rate rises I will struggle to afford mortgage payments whereas at the moment mine are fixed at an affordable level for the next 2 years. If I rent, I could afford 3 years rent in the town we are in now (moving from a 4 to a 3 bed and to a rougher area, after that I would have no money left and no. Prospect of getting back on the property ladder).

I feel for you as I was in a similar position myself with my ex whilst divorcing.
As we still jointly owned the home he thought he could come in. Also he got angry via texts with me when my young teens genuinely did not want to see him.
Not that he actually saw them much, but he would go in to a rage when he could not get his own way.
As punishment he used to threaten to reduce the maintenance if I did not comply, which by the way he did.
He pushed his way in once and only left shortly before the police arrived as I called them in front of him.
If he jointly owns the property they tell you not to change the locks, but I did. The police would not be interested as it is a civil matter. He demanded a key and threatened me with court, I did not give in. You are entitled to peace in your own home and the fact he has not lived there for some time goes in your favour.
Get the locks changed tomorrow, start standing up to this bully.

If you buy him out legally he will no longer be able to set foot in your house without your invitation. The house will be yours.
It does sound like a fresh start would be beneficial though. If you move 30minutes away to a less expensive area and he follows that might actually be perfect. You’d both have space for the kids and he would no longer have the same entitlement to be in your house.

OP, I'm no expert but the point PP is making about the locks is exactly WHY you need to think seriously about selling the house that's in your joint names and using your equity to buy a smaller place that's all yours, where you and your children can feel safe and your ex can't have a key.

Your solicitor's advice about him having a right to access is ONLY because you are still living in the jointly-owned marital home.

Buying him out of it doesn't feel like the fresh start you and your children (and TBF even your ex) need right now.

At least think seriously about it. What you're describing sounds damaging for you and your children. You've done so well to get this far, now keep going until he can't control or intimidate you anymore.

Best of luck.

How old are the children OP?

A couple of points jump out (I'm a family solicitor FWIW).
Firstly if you don't want to do mediation over zoom then find a mediator who will do face to face. You need to be comfortable. However it is vital that you tell a mediator how he is abusive as they may determine it is not a suitable dynamic for mediation.

Your solicitor is right technically about changing the locks BUT it if he is abusive the first thing they should be doing is getting a letter to him saying that you do not agree to his attendance except by your agreement otherwise you will need to consider an occupation order (if you have evidence of his behaviour).

Is he paying maintenance for the children? If he's having no overnight care of the children he absolutely should be paying full maintenance. Why are you paying all the mortgage and bills?

I know you think I would say this, but it sounds like you need a good solicitor to cut through all his bullshit and your anxieties otherwise you could end up stuck with an agreement that you actually don't want. You can also get advice on whether you can get a litigation loan to be paid out of the assets to be divided as part of the financial settlement.

If your family can help out buying him out then borrow for the divorce. Before your mh is shot.

@crimsonlake did things settle after he threatened court action over you changed the locks. I certainly feel as though I have no peace in my own home.

I’d get in touch with womens aid or rights of women.

Your contact proposal sounds reasonable. At mediation, keep repeating “it’s in the best interests of the DC to see their father on his own and to have quality time EOW”. A decent mediator will see that.

Can your family loan you the divorce fee?? Once you are in your own home you can stop him coming inside. Good luck

@wejammin thank you for your reply.

He is paying full maintenance based on the cms calculations. He feels most aggrieved about this and loves to tell everyone that he has to give me all of his money.

I then pay the mortgage and all bills, everything for the kids etc. He didn't offer a penny towards school clothes etc. as he feels he pays over and above what he should. Eldest has just turned 12 and started secondary school this month so I ended up putting most of the £300 school uniform costs on my credit card as I had no other way of paying it. My credit card is now maxed out.

The children are 12, 10 and 5.

My mediator will occasionally do face to face appointments but the times available don't fit in well with my working hours and it is an extra £100 between us for a face to face appointment. I only went with this mediator as she was recommended to me by my solicitor as someone used to and good at dealing with stroppy, difficult men. I haven't really discussed abuse with my solicitor or the mediator. Even now I feel guilty using the word abuse. It's ridiculous that as a grown woman I still find it hard facing up to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship.

I had planned to put the initial divirce fee on my credit card but I had to use the remaining available n balance to buy the kids school uniform/shoes this month. I think I will have to see if family will lend me the money for the fees

@Rainbowqueeen thank you, that is a good phrase to use. My big worry is that my suggestions will get twisted by him as me stopping him seeing the children. I have never stopped him seeing them, have sometimes told him they are busy and suggested an alternative day or time for him to see them.

You need to go to your GP and tell them that your ex is abusive and you are struggling with his behaviour and you are stressed and anxious.
Then go find a legal aid solicitor.

Or tell your ex he is not coming to house. Stand up to him. When he gets abusive call the police. Then go to a legal aid solicitor and tell them you want an injunction.

Once you have an injunction you will get help with the divorce and financial side.

I fear that you will just be bullied in mediation. Sometimes you need to rock the boat and stand up for yourself. The fall out will be worth it.

If your solicitor and mediator don't know about the abuse, they can't work for you effectively.

You absolutely need to tell them, even if initially you write it on a scrap of paper and hand it to them.

Definitely contact Women's Aid as well.

I thought you could only get legal aid if there had been police involvement in an abusive relationship? Things have never been that bad to involve any outside agencies and there was never any physical abuse.

I haven't instructed a solicitor yet, I have just had a couple of appointments for advise on a pay as you go basis so far.

OP are you aware of the government scheme funding £500 towards the cost of mediation for childcare? I'm due to start mediation this week (😬) and although the miam wasn't funded the first 2 mediation sessions will be.

I really feel for you, and you and your childrens' space being invaded. Stbxh has refused to leave the house- I can't leave because I need to apply for DS2's school place so he needs to be living here, and like you I've always done everything for both DSs so I won't/can't/shan't go anywhere without them. In the meantime he is. Always. Fucking. Here and it's so stifling

Thank you, I suppose I feel scared of what the fall out will be if he heard me say to anyone he was abusive. I have told my solicitor that he can be very difficult, gets angry easily etc. but never used the word abuse.

I told the mediator at my miam that he shouts, sends irate texts when didn't get his own way etc but again couldn't bring myself to describe the relationships as abusive.

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like having to live together still. My ex went without too much fuss, although he is still here a huge amount of the time he does not live here anymore. I hope you manage to move out or your ex agrees to go soon so that you have your own space and peace. It is stifling isn't it.

@Monkerina sorry I didn't answer your question about the voucher scheme. With the ridiculous price of mediation in my area the voucher will cover most of just one face to face session (we will still each have to pay £50 extra) then any extra sessions will be £300 EACH!!!

Sadly the response to asking stbxh to move out ranges from 'this is my house, I'm staying' to 'this is all your idea, why would I go anywhere' usually shortly followed by telling me we have to try again and I have to CHOOSE to love him, rounded off with a diatribe about how unkind and selfish I am. Grey rock grey rock grey rock! Eyes on the prize- in a year's time, hopefully less, we will be freeeeeeee 💐

Oh wow that is crazy!! Given that it's online anyway, is it worth looking elsewhere? Our lady (ex family law lawyer with 20 years' experience) charges £220 an hour, split between attendees. Home counties so very little is cheap here

This mediator is an experienced family lawyer and seems to have a good reputation but it is just crazy money. £300 each face to face or £250 each for an online meeting. I had hoped there would be help if in a low income but there doesn't seem to be anything other than the voucher scheme to discuss child arrangements.

NeedSleepNow, it settled in so much he could not gain access as he had no key, so I knew he could not gain access whether I was in or not. I also got a chain fitted.