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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can I be made to sell?

121 replies

Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 08:27

My ex is asking me to sell our property which was bought as “tenants in common”. We have 3 children all way under the age of 18.
When we separated I was told by a solicitor that a sale couldn’t be enforced until the children are 18 and that any split in the equity would take into account the fact that we both jointly paid in for a number of years and I have solely taken over all payments since (mortgage, maintenance, buildings insurance).
He is telling me he’s been told different.

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge of this you can share before I have chance to speak to a solicitor?

I'm not in a position to buy him out, I can’t get a mortgage (on universal credit as I gave up my job whilst together to take on our childcare but am going back this month), rent is triple my mortgage payments so wouldn’t be affordable.

Thanks

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2022 10:15

You can use CMS for assessment and then him pay you directly but then have the option to use their collection if he messes you around.

Perhaps you need him to have mid week contact from school to enable you to work and therefore sell the house quicker - literally point it out to him he needs to do his share to enable you to work so he can get what he wants.

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/09/2022 10:16

*Provide for your kids. That starts with getting the full support you are legally entitled to feom their father. Stop "being kind" and letting him choose what to pay.

gogohmm · 08/09/2022 10:16

Yes you can be made to either buy him out or sell. Mesher orders until the youngest is 18 (or a set age) are rare, generally in specific circumstances. He can be made to let you buy him out

Original poster
Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 10:21

@WeepingSomnambulist yeah you’re right with CMS, thanks for being blunt 🤣 I’m far from a walkover but have just wanted to avoid all unnecessary costs for both of us as I see that as taking away from the kids. If he ends up paying extra money to CMS (to organise) that’s less he can spend with kids however I need to look at it the other way round in that any more he’s due to pay me, actually will be spent on them.

OP posts:
BaconMassive · 08/09/2022 10:22

If he wants to go this route time to start doing everything through the channels.

Get the CMS involved.

Think about whether what he is telling you to do represents controlling behaviour and if it goes to court make that known, gather some evidence such as text messages together. Any evidence about him trying to coerce you to sell the home, evidence about him not wanting the children for certain amounts of time, just gather it together and keep it safe. Not saying you'll need to use it but its better to have the evidence together if it comes down to it.

Also drag your heels as much as possibly, work to your timescales, not his. Having the CMS involved means he can't easily use the withdrawal of the informal maintenance arrangements as a threat.

BaconMassive · 08/09/2022 10:24

Frame it on him as well, just say I was happy with our informal arrangements regarding the home and maintenance but you decided to get solicitors and possibly courts involved so I've got no alternative to do everything via the official channels.

Pin that decision on him.

Original poster
Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 10:26

@RandomMess he does have contact on a Wednesday evening but won’t collect until he’s finished work at 5. Everything is around the fact that he works whereas I also need to but have had to find hours around the kids.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2022 10:28

So tell him he need to sort and pay for childcare after school and holidays on a Wednesday. He doesn't even have them overnight then? If so it's Wednesday 9am to Thursday 6pm are his hours that he sorts 52 weeks of the year.

Original poster
Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 10:38

@RandomMess he collects at 5pm Wednesday eve and drops them back at 8am the following morning for me to take them to school.
How do I make him do something he says no to?
I’m pretty sure the midweek stay was only taken on to reduce the amount of maintenance he had to pay.

OP posts:
Neverhot · 08/09/2022 10:44

My situation is near identical to yours, 3 children, rent would be 4x the mortgage etc, only difference is we are married. The judge has told my ex that despite his best efforts we will not be made to sell the house. I'm a student so can't buy him out, we can either live here until the youngest is 18 at which point we sell and divide equity, or I can buy him out (with the equity ring fenced at what it is now)

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 08/09/2022 10:45

did you get the house valued at time of splitting up? If not do it now.

Original poster
Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 10:50

@Neverhot im glad you’ve got a bit of security for your children.

I need to look at options and some of the suggestions on here but it’s definitely gave me some things to think about.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2022 10:51

You say he collects them from school/sorts childcare out and drops them to school or doesn't have them.

Be out before school to ram the message home!

The reduction is because he has the costs and work of having them for at least 24 hours not just for sleeping at his.

Tell him you need a better job to sell the house so he steps up or gets lost.

LizzieSiddal · 08/09/2022 10:51

How do I make him do something he says no to?

You tell him you’re new job means you won’t be there!
He wouldn’t leave the Dc sitting outside the house would he?

RandomMess · 08/09/2022 10:52

Start with I have a job you need to take them to school Thursdays as I'll be out.

Then do it. Go out at 7.30am.

knittingaddict · 08/09/2022 11:00

You are wrong. These days a clean break is much more likely to be the norm. Couples are expected to sell up, split the equity and move on with their lives. My daughter went from 5 bed, 3 bath home to a 2 bed, 1 bath terraced house, with a 2 bed flat in between.

You can't afford to pay for the house on your own, so it needs to be sold.

I'm not being mean, but it won't help to pretend that you can keep the current home now.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/09/2022 11:01

To be honest even if you had been married I suspect he could force sale if the house. I know on Mumsnet people always say marriage gives you protection from this, but from watching friends' divorces I have not seen any real protection. They always have to move out within a given time, and the house gets sold.

Original poster
Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 11:09

He wouldn’t leave school outside but when I’ve said about not being home before for drop off he’s threatened social services/police as I’d have “abandoned them”.

I am going to look at the option of shared ownership.

I am going to suggest I’m given 6 months so that my wages will be taken into account and maybe I will get the mortgage.

and I’m going to suggest that if this is what he wants that he’ll need to be responsible for his side of the childcare so I can also earn.

When I’ve contacted CMS before they’ve said it’s how often he has them overnight, not for any 24 hour period but I’ll call and check.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 08/09/2022 11:10

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/09/2022 11:01

To be honest even if you had been married I suspect he could force sale if the house. I know on Mumsnet people always say marriage gives you protection from this, but from watching friends' divorces I have not seen any real protection. They always have to move out within a given time, and the house gets sold.

That is true too. The daughter I spoke about was married and she did get 70% of the equity, but the house needed to be sold.

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/09/2022 11:11

Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 10:38

@RandomMess he collects at 5pm Wednesday eve and drops them back at 8am the following morning for me to take them to school.
How do I make him do something he says no to?
I’m pretty sure the midweek stay was only taken on to reduce the amount of maintenance he had to pay.

You need to get tough. You need to realise that you’re not partners. You don’t need to cover for him or pick up the slack. You concentrate on getting your life on track, and on what you need for the kids. You can’t keep the house but you can sort the other stuff.

For Wednesday’s, you give him two options.

  1. He has them Wednesday’s but sorts them from end of school as you have a job. He can collect them himself or arrange and pay for childcare. He then takes them to school on Thursday because you have a job and you sort out all the other days.
  2. He gives up Wednesday’s and you will sort out your own childcare but under no circumstances will you alter your work schedule or pay for childcare on his days. If he won’t do it then he doesn’t get Wednesday’s and you’ll sort yourself out.

Dont back down. You’re not denying him access. He gets Wednesday’s but he gets it all; sorting through childcare and the fun time.

if this goes to court and he complains that he lost Wednesday’s because he refused to arrange childcare and expected you to do it, then he will be given short shrift by the judge.

Be clear, be concise. Do not get personal and do not rise to any provocations from him. Keep it about the kids and factual. “I have commitments and am getting back into work so we need a clean cut arrangement for the kids. I am no longer available for school pick up on Wednesday’s. You have two choices; pick them up yourself or arrange and pay for childcare until you can pick them up or tell me that you’re not able to do that and I will sort them out myself on Wednesday’s and keep them at home Wednesday night. I will not pay for childcare on your days; that option is not on the table so don’t suggest it. Either you sort out the childcare for your day or it isn’t your day anymore.”

You need to start being tough. Be unavailable to sort out his problems.

RandomMess · 08/09/2022 11:11

It is technically overnights but it's assumed that they have them for the day as well.

6 months - tell him you need to find a better job else he is making his DC homeless so he needs to step up and do his share of LOOKING after HIS children term time and holidays so you can earn enough to buy somewhere to house HIS children.

knittingaddict · 08/09/2022 11:12

When I’ve contacted CMS before they’ve said it’s how often he has them overnight, not for any 24 hour period but I’ll call and check.

That is correct op. He isn't required to have them for any part of the day for the CMS calculation. It is simply overnights that count.

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/09/2022 11:12

Checkmateready · 08/09/2022 11:09

He wouldn’t leave school outside but when I’ve said about not being home before for drop off he’s threatened social services/police as I’d have “abandoned them”.

I am going to look at the option of shared ownership.

I am going to suggest I’m given 6 months so that my wages will be taken into account and maybe I will get the mortgage.

and I’m going to suggest that if this is what he wants that he’ll need to be responsible for his side of the childcare so I can also earn.

When I’ve contacted CMS before they’ve said it’s how often he has them overnight, not for any 24 hour period but I’ll call and check.

He would be laughed at by the police and social services. They’re with their father, they’re not abandoned. You really don’t need to worry about that. Let him threaten. Nothing will come from it.

knittingaddict · 08/09/2022 11:16

RandomMess · 08/09/2022 11:11

It is technically overnights but it's assumed that they have them for the day as well.

6 months - tell him you need to find a better job else he is making his DC homeless so he needs to step up and do his share of LOOKING after HIS children term time and holidays so you can earn enough to buy somewhere to house HIS children.

Is it? Assumed by who? Where is this stated because I've never seen that anywhere?

cestlavielife · 08/09/2022 11:19

Bear in mind legal costs if you going childrens act route to get extra to house dc untio they 18 or whatever
If the sums are not huge
They will be eaten up
Try to finnd way to get mortgage to buy him out