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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband says me having a solicitor for our divorce makes it adversarial

73 replies

sleepymum50 · 05/07/2022 20:42

I’ve just had my first appointment. She cannot act for both of us (husband wanted me to ask). I showed her the financial figures he had given me. She explained Form E, and that we both needed to disclose finances with proofs. From my circumstances the starting point is 50/50. She also explained that the judge won’t sign off the divorce if the settlement doesn’t look fair.

He thinks we should sit down and decide between ourselves, with one solicitor acting for both to do the paperwork. Just by getting my own solicitor I am going down the adversarial route.

The solicitor confirmed that his idea of a split is nowhere near fair, which is why I actually want a solicitor. I feel I will otherwise be bullied into accepting what he wants. She thinks if he talks to his own solicitor they will explain why his viewpoint is not going to work.

I’ve just got home and have been given a lecture by him why I am being unreasonable and this will cost us an absolute fortune.

please can someone confirm that using a solicitor doesn’t have to be adversarial. My solicitor is part of Resolution.org which allows for mediation.

OP posts:
GreenLeavesRustling · 05/07/2022 20:45

It does not have to be adversarial.
I think if you can agree via mediation or otherwise a reasonable approach that you are both happy with, then the solicitor just makes sure everything is above board.
I think the big costs come if you get into wrangling over things.

I’d be a bit concerned though that your DH is trying to rip you off

Covidagainandagain · 05/07/2022 20:45

He needs his own solicitor so they will be impartial and not swayed by you, its actually in his best interests

Also he asked you to find out? I'm guessing he has a history of expecting you to do all life admin by any chance?

If he's that bothered he can pick up the damn phone to a solicitor and ask if they can act for both parties if he doesn't believe you, instead of you having to take the time and effort to convince him. You don't owe him that mental energy. You've stated the advice from the solicitor this is his issue to deal with now.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 05/07/2022 20:45

Sorry not sure what adversial means but the fact he is frying to con you out of a fair divorce is reason to use a solicitor surely?

ArcticSkewer · 05/07/2022 20:47

How does he think 50:50 is adversarial?

We did ours jointly using amicable but I don't see why it has to be adversarial if you each have a different solicitor.

Sounds like he (deliberately?) has no clue and intends to bully you

Lollypop701 · 05/07/2022 20:47

do you absolutely know his finances… pension, everything? Because it’s an issue if you’re not sure and you think he’s not going to go 50/50. Basically he’s saying you are wrong for not agreeing with him. I’d stick with solicitor then you know it’s fair……

LaurieFairyCake · 05/07/2022 20:47

Who cares whether it's adversarial - he's just trying to bully you into accepting what HE deems fair

You were right to go, it's what your Gut told you too - and the advice that he's ripping you off confirms it

Stop talking to him about this, I predict he's just going to turn nasty and start punishing you when you don't do what you're TOLD Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2022 20:47

"Maybe you could offer something less unfair so I'd need a solicitor less".

Wanker wants to be able to bully you.

Longdistance · 05/07/2022 20:49

I thought you had to have a different solicitor wrt divorce. We had to move solicitors when we bought a house as it was the same as out vendors. Conflict of interest. Get a different solicitor to your exdh.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 05/07/2022 20:49

No it isn't. I think the hardest thing to get your head around at first is that this person, who used to be on your team, now is not on your side, despite what they may say. And you shouldn't just accept that what they say is right. I think your husband is annoyed because your solicitor has called him out on what would have been an unfair split of the finances.

Beware though if you continue with your solicitor (which I think you should do - and your husband's attitude confirms this) that he still may not appoint his own. Mine didn't and he often phoned mine - I'm sure it added to my bill.

He doesn't want to stay married to you (or you to him I'm sure) so he doesn't get to call the shots on what you do.

MintJulia · 05/07/2022 20:49

It's not adversarial, it's common sense. Don't be bullied.

If your DH wants to reduce the cost of divorce, tell him not to fight for every penny but to come up with a fair and reasonable split quickly.

If he won't do that, he's clearly not bothered about the legal bill.

autocollantes · 05/07/2022 20:49

He doesn't want you to have your own lawyer because then he knows you have someone on your side. And that means he won't be able to so easily push you over..therefore it'll be adversarial. When he can get you to do what he wants then it's not adversarial!

Given that what he's asking for isn't fair, it's good - very good - that you have your own lawyer.

Plough on and ignore him.

Snoredoeurve · 05/07/2022 20:54

Just the fact that he is lecturing you is enough to say no to his proposals.
Stick to your guns, hes trying to protect his own interests.
Of course he wants you to play nice ( sarcasm) so he can get his own way.
Dont fall for it.
Get your own Solicitor and dont engage in any further " discussion"

bellac11 · 05/07/2022 20:57

The actual stance of solicitors is that they are advocates, they advocate for their client but their job is also to negotiate a way through that suits both parties

The only thing I would say, working with lots of solicitors/barristers is that choose carefully someone that is not out for their own ego to 'win' because that does make them present as overly adversarial and messages can get given 'on your behalf' which arent actually what you intended or want to convey, even if the gist is. Its about how those messages are passed to you and him the clients.

bloodyunicorns · 05/07/2022 20:57

I bet he didn't want you to see a solicitor! He didn't want you to know he was trying to shaft you...

You can't trust him any more. He's not on your side. Trust your solicitor, go via mediation if he will, but don't trust him.

Good luck with it all.

ArcticSkewer · 05/07/2022 20:59

Longdistance · 05/07/2022 20:49

I thought you had to have a different solicitor wrt divorce. We had to move solicitors when we bought a house as it was the same as out vendors. Conflict of interest. Get a different solicitor to your exdh.

you don't need a solicitor at all, and you can use one person together to draft the consent order if you want to.

But op sounds like she would be better off with her own legal team

Thepossibility · 05/07/2022 21:00

Yes it will cost HIM an absolute fortune, because he was planning on ripping you off. Solicitor all the way. Is he hiding money?

Quartz2208 · 05/07/2022 21:01

He is making it adversarial but not agreeing to 50/50 - so yes you need a solicitor

ivykaty44 · 05/07/2022 21:05

Why is it you’re divorcing..?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 05/07/2022 21:26

Well he is a bully isnt he? Dont back down, he is already making it adversarial by having a tantrum if you dont go along with what he wants. But now you are getting divorced, you dont have to! Good luck with it.

SareBear87 · 05/07/2022 21:27

Don't listen to him. My exH wanted us to sort it out privately, we made an informal agreement and I saw a solicitor to check it was above board. His "50/50" was more 30/70 and the solicitor strongly suggested against it. We went to mediation and he reluctantly agreed to 45/55 (after the mediator pointed out he was being unreasonable on multiple occasions). The difference for me was tens of thousands.

You're not being adversarial or argumentative. You are just ensuring the court will agree.

jay55 · 05/07/2022 21:30

He's just trying to bully you and wear you down.

You're getting divorced, you don't need to stick around for his lectures.

Fluffymule · 05/07/2022 21:38

You don't have to listen to his lectures. You don't have to agree to what he wants. You don't have to put his wishes ahead of your future security and financial wellbeing.

You are divorcing. Your loyalty is no longer to your marriage or partnership, or him, it is to yourself.

Stick with your solicitor. Follow her advice and instruction and stay strong.

MaChienEstUnDick · 05/07/2022 21:42

Well yeah, he would say that wouldn't he?

Smile sweetly and tell him to get his own solicitor. REmind him that if he doesn't want it to be adversarial, 50/50 should be both your starting points.

Then ignore, ignore, ignore.

EL8888 · 05/07/2022 21:43

I thought it was just my ex husband who spouted this shit. He was too tight and lazy to think we could share a solicitor. I got a decent deal and way better than what he originally offered me

EL8888 · 05/07/2022 21:43

For clarity the split he wanted was 95%\5% in his favour. I got WAY more

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