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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband says me having a solicitor for our divorce makes it adversarial

73 replies

sleepymum50 · 05/07/2022 20:42

I’ve just had my first appointment. She cannot act for both of us (husband wanted me to ask). I showed her the financial figures he had given me. She explained Form E, and that we both needed to disclose finances with proofs. From my circumstances the starting point is 50/50. She also explained that the judge won’t sign off the divorce if the settlement doesn’t look fair.

He thinks we should sit down and decide between ourselves, with one solicitor acting for both to do the paperwork. Just by getting my own solicitor I am going down the adversarial route.

The solicitor confirmed that his idea of a split is nowhere near fair, which is why I actually want a solicitor. I feel I will otherwise be bullied into accepting what he wants. She thinks if he talks to his own solicitor they will explain why his viewpoint is not going to work.

I’ve just got home and have been given a lecture by him why I am being unreasonable and this will cost us an absolute fortune.

please can someone confirm that using a solicitor doesn’t have to be adversarial. My solicitor is part of Resolution.org which allows for mediation.

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 05/07/2022 21:44

That old chestnut.... don't fall for it.

Instead say:

"Yes, Husband - you need to get your own solicitor - so it is not adversarial and we can communicate on the divorce matters via our independent lawyers."

FVFrog · 05/07/2022 21:51

You absolutely need your own solicitor @iwantmyownicecreamvan is absolutely spot on, This person you are married to is no longer on your side. Your solicitor will ensure that there is full and frank financial disclosure (Form e is a legal requirement) and will advise you on any settlement reached via mediation to make sure it’s fair and in your best interests.

Herejustforthisone · 05/07/2022 21:53

He’s a joke. Keep your solicitor.

FVFrog · 05/07/2022 21:53

Oh, and good luck @sleepymum50 it’s an exhausting and emotionally draining experience to go through. Look after yourself and lean on friends and family if you can.

Spohn · 05/07/2022 22:06

Stop providing him with an audience. He’s trying to rob you and your kid/s, you don’t need to tie yourself in knots, or justify, or listen to anything he says.

Original poster
sleepymum50 · 05/07/2022 22:26

Thankyou all so much for your replies. It really helps.

He refuses to sell the matrimonial house. There will be funds for me to buy a house of about 2/3 the value of the main house. Theres a good pension to split, plus he has a full state pension as well. And he wants to keep all his toys £65k worth!

Im happy with that, but he says he’ll have no savings and his income will not be enough. It will be more than mine.So he wants me to continue paying half of the mortgage on ‘his’ house. He was originally telling me I don’t need to spend all the money on a house, so he could keep a nest egg for emergencies.

The thing is when I write it all down, I know it sounds wrong and the solicitor agrees. But to hear him tell it, it’s like I’m dragging the fillings from his teeth. But then I probably wouldn’t be trying to get away from him if he wasn’t so entitled.

There is more than enough to go around and we are very lucky and this could be so easy and amicable. The irony is that I’m hoping to buy a property with my daughter, and the less I get, the less his own daughter will get.

Why are some men just so.. so.. Argh!!

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/07/2022 22:40

@iwantmyownicecreamvan

He's much more interested in coming out "on top" than being fair to you. You absolutely do need your own solicitor, to be completely on your side - just like your husband is completely on his own side.

If he wants to keep the marital home, get him to buy you out. You get the house valued (get three estates sound) and check out Rightmove, etc so you have an idea of price trends over the last few years.

There's nothing adversarial about getting your own solicitor- it's just common sense. 🌹

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 05/07/2022 22:43

I think it all depends on what was brought into the marriage, how long the marriage was, and all assets should be split evenly and what the hell toys cost 65k unless cars motorbikes ect and what about savings to be spilt, basically the longer the fight the more it will cost

AuntieStella · 05/07/2022 22:43

You know, he can whinge about it being adversarial all he likes.

Because his opinion doesn't matter any more, you're nearly shot of him.

You sound like you're taking a sensible approach.

declutteringmymind · 05/07/2022 22:47

He's being adversarial by not agreeing to 50:50.

Viviennemary · 05/07/2022 22:49

He is the one being adversarial by trying to guilt trip you into thinking you shouldn't have your own solicitor. Of course you should. From what you've said it sounds like he is going to bully you into accepting his terms. Don't stand for it. Say you've sought advice and they advised you to get your own solicitor.

adorablecat · 05/07/2022 23:12

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

Clymene · 05/07/2022 23:22

What he means is that he doesn't want it to be fair. I'm sorry he's such an arse. Hope you can find an amicable way through

SquirrelSoShiny · 05/07/2022 23:23

Do an inner eye roll, get a solicitor for your divorce and never look back.

millymollymoomoo · 06/07/2022 07:21

Well I agree and disagree
some solicitors can and do make it adversarial. Some solicitors can and do advise clients to push for more more often setting unrealistic expectations

actuslly being able to sit round a table and try to reach agreement is in many cases better

however, in the absence of that then make sure

  1. yiu know all your finances
  2. find a good solicitor via resolution
  3. be prepared to compromise and negotiate ( which dues not mean give in but a level of flexibility is good)
  4. be realistic - eg you won’t get 95% of house, plus 80% of pension plus spousal etc
EntertainingandFactual · 06/07/2022 07:37

autocollantes · 05/07/2022 20:49

He doesn't want you to have your own lawyer because then he knows you have someone on your side. And that means he won't be able to so easily push you over..therefore it'll be adversarial. When he can get you to do what he wants then it's not adversarial!

Given that what he's asking for isn't fair, it's good - very good - that you have your own lawyer.

Plough on and ignore him.

THIS OP!

I can’t put it any better.
He needs to pay for his own solicitor.
Do not give up yours.

Quartz2208 · 06/07/2022 07:46

You need a clean break from this man - reading here the issue is that in order to buy you out and keep the house you take all the savings - well that is what happens. Looking at what you are offering I think you are potentially getting under 50% (I reckon it is more a 65/35 split if he keeps the house and his toys)

You need I think to point out to him that if he doesnt want it to be then he needs to accept your deal - and get a clean break order and remove yourself from the mortgage. Or the house, his toys etc need to be sold in order to get a proper 50/50

frillypetal · 06/07/2022 08:03

Oh well he's an ex. Won't be needing his advice anymore. Hope you get one SHL now

Dreamingofsheep · 06/07/2022 08:19

You definitely need your own solicitor OP.

My exh started by agreeing to split everything 50/50 to persuade me to just draw up an agreement between ourselves. He almost immediately backtracked on that, claiming that I should get less than 50% as I had contributed much less to the 25 year marriage (we prioritised his career and I was a SAHM for a while). Ibwas shocked at how selfish and unreasonable he became when money was involved.

I was so glad to have my solicitor in my corner as he got more and more ridiculous with his demands and did end up with a fair settlement. It took time and was expensive but definitely worth it.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/07/2022 09:54

He wants to divorce you but stay married to your bank account.

You need to have your own solicitor as he is only going to agree with what he wants and your wants and needs are nothing to him.

The only way you are go to get a fair deal and get what you are entitled to is by having your own legal advice.

Newestname002 · 06/07/2022 10:08

He wants to divorce you but stay married to your bank account.

That's it in a nutshell. 🌹

thewreckofthehesperus · 06/07/2022 10:09

He would say that wouldn't he, he wants to have control which I'm guessing is one of the reasons you're divorcing him in the first place!

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when divorcing my own controlling arse of an ex was 'You can't expect a reasonable response from an unreasonable person'. He's not going to change and you know that having your own solicitor is the normal and sensible thing to do. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise.

This is the beginning of a new era, you no longer have to agree with him or pretend that he knows best, start as you mean to go on and tell him no reputable solicitor is going to advocate for both of you, you each need your own and that's that. I'd be perfectly polite but firm, if he starts kicking off I'd point out he's the one making it adversarial and remove yourself from the situation telling him you'll speak to him once he's calmed down.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/07/2022 10:14

Bless him, he doesn’t understand the process does he? How can a solicitor act for both parties in a divorce 😂 it’s a divorce not conveyancing.

Go for everything your entitled to. His own solicitor will have to get the crayons out to explain it to him in simple terms.

Original poster
sleepymum50 · 06/07/2022 10:26

Yes it is like that.

As I said we (he) has a very good pension, plus we have rental income coming in, and he has his pension

I care very much about climate change and try to follow the old WWII saying, use it up, wear it out, make do, do without. So in essence for the last five years he has been spending about 90% of our income as I’m so frugal. I accept this is my fault as I have let him do this. That is why he’s so vexed about his drop in spending money.

And yes his toys are vintage motorbikes.

But thanks again. I got collared by him again when I went to make coffee, about how sad he is. Ahh bless!

OP posts:
Joyfultoes · 06/07/2022 10:30

He’s just trying to get you to agree to an unfair settlement. My ex and I divorced in the most amicable split ever - we’re best mates - still used a solicitor though for advice

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