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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband says me having a solicitor for our divorce makes it adversarial

73 replies

sleepymum50 · 05/07/2022 20:42

I’ve just had my first appointment. She cannot act for both of us (husband wanted me to ask). I showed her the financial figures he had given me. She explained Form E, and that we both needed to disclose finances with proofs. From my circumstances the starting point is 50/50. She also explained that the judge won’t sign off the divorce if the settlement doesn’t look fair.

He thinks we should sit down and decide between ourselves, with one solicitor acting for both to do the paperwork. Just by getting my own solicitor I am going down the adversarial route.

The solicitor confirmed that his idea of a split is nowhere near fair, which is why I actually want a solicitor. I feel I will otherwise be bullied into accepting what he wants. She thinks if he talks to his own solicitor they will explain why his viewpoint is not going to work.

I’ve just got home and have been given a lecture by him why I am being unreasonable and this will cost us an absolute fortune.

please can someone confirm that using a solicitor doesn’t have to be adversarial. My solicitor is part of Resolution.org which allows for mediation.

OP posts:
Joyfultoes · 06/07/2022 10:31

In fact if you get sound advice, agree and apply it then the extra cost will be negligible so it doesn’t even make sense. It’s only costs £££££££ if you go to court.

Fenella123 · 06/07/2022 10:32

It doesn't matter what he thinks. The whole point of getting divorced is to ensure he becomes a stranger to you again!

Lunificent · 06/07/2022 10:35

He just wants to get the best out of this for himself. Ignore what he says, use your own solicitor and aim for a fair deal.

mostlydrinkstea · 06/07/2022 13:34

If it is a long marriage everything goes into the pot, house, flat, toys, pensions and the starting point is 50/50. Get an actuary for the pensions.

Mine wanted an informal and amicable arrangement but when he saw the form E it got tricky. I think it was a year before we had managed to get a clear picture of what he earned and owned. It cost thousands in fees for the lawyer.

My top tip is listen for what he accuses you of. Mine said I was hiding money. Nope but thanks for the clue.....

Quartz2208 · 06/07/2022 18:18

@sleepymum50 have you posted about him before and his spending issues and money (potentially with a username with a Q)

If it is you I am so glad you are starting this process he has been using you for years. And yes you need a solicitor

Original poster
sleepymum50 · 06/07/2022 19:26

@Quartz2208 sorry but this is the only user name I’ve ever had.

Let’s hope Q is gettting some help though x

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 07/07/2022 18:24

If he wants to talk about how sad he is, he needs to talk to a mate or a therapist.

Not you because he is divorcing you, which is his choice.

Again he wants to divorce you, keep both your bank accounts and keep you to be his emotional support person. This is not how divorce works.

Flerp · 07/07/2022 19:03

I would think one of the first genuine narcissists that get so often diagnosed by qualified Internet doctors here.

You're marriage is closing, I'm sorry. You and him LTD is coming to an end. There isnt company closure in the world that wouldn't have some sort of legal advice to protect various stakeholders, you shouldn't either. Man or woman, you've got to make sure you're looked after.

Original poster
sleepymum50 · 09/07/2022 10:39

Thanks everyone.

He has now apologised for going overboard on his reaction.

He has an appointment with a solicitor of his own next week. I am hoping HIS solicitor will put some sense into him about what’s fair.

Its a long marriage with children and everything in joint names.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 10/07/2022 00:03

Good luck, hopefully he will see some sense.

Luxa · 10/07/2022 00:06

He wants you not to have your own solicitor?Can't think why Hmm

Twillow · 10/07/2022 00:13

@mostlydrinkstea has said exactly what I was going to.

If you are on reasonable terms then mediation is worth considering, it will save you a not inconsiderable sum. Court is tens of thousands each.

Twillow · 10/07/2022 00:18

Sorry, not court itself but the legal process of solicitors culminating in that. Understand that while a solicitor is working for you they do not necessarily have your best interests to heart vis a vis taking your money for their work and will happily respond to every trivial phone call and email as they are being paid by the 6-minute unit.

GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 15:50

It's only going to be adversarial if you don't agree with what he wants! He wants to be able to get what he wants without anybody to stop him. It's a veiled threat that he will become your adversary if you don't do what he wants. Ignore it.

All the more reason to use a solicitor.

FlorettaB · 03/08/2022 15:52

’The solicitor confirmed that his idea of a split is nowhere near fair, which is why I actually want a solicitor.’

I am shocked. Shocked and stunned Grin

YesILikeItToo · 03/08/2022 15:58

You owe it to your future self to get this right - it is a one-shot thing, you can’t revisit the settlement if you later realise it was unfair.

What happened in my divorce was that I had a solicitor but I did the negotiations with my husband myself. He didn’t have one. That balanced costs with the need to have some clue about the law. I took some of the solicitor’s advice (about how a court would likely divide the assets) and ignored some of it (about what standard agreement terms which would have worked a bit in my favour were) in the interests of getting a reasonable deal done that placed value on both maximising my settlement and having an ongoing relationship in which to raise our children.

Original poster
sleepymum50 · 12/08/2022 13:16

Thanks to everyone who has been replying.

It seems to be a slow process with him still not realising that I’m no longer under his control.

I just typed a long update, but decided to delete it as it really is quite ugly.

So thanks for the support, we are both in the same house and can keep civil if we don’t discuss anything other than the weather. I think he is gradually becoming to realise he can’t bully me into accepting his version of what’s fair.

Im stuck here for at least another 6/9 months as we have another property to sell and he’s given the tenants rather a long notice period.

Hes also lamenting the cost of solicitors, even though he’s extremely profligate generally with our money.

If anyone has had an ex like him and got to the other side, please tell me your tips for keeping sane.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 13/08/2022 02:12

No tips, just well wishes 💐

allboysherebutme · 13/08/2022 02:53

Just ignore him do what you want, you are divorcing him, don't worry what he thinks anymore. X

AmIbeingTreasonable · 13/08/2022 04:02

He doesn't want you to have a solicitor as he is trying to rip you off, that's clear! You absolutely must have your own solicitor and don't trust your husband an inch.

Jellyx · 13/08/2022 05:20

It's the smart thing to do to have a solicitor. I'd tell him you aren't a specialist in this matter and the sensible thing to do is to use support and recommend he do that too!

ClaryFairchild · 13/08/2022 05:22

Your husband gets so nasty to you that you have to block his messages, and he has spat in your face.

There is nothing to save here. See a solicitor, work out whether one of you can buy the other one out, or put the house up for sale and split your assets.

ASAP, because if he can spit in your face, there's no telling what else he will do.

ClaryFairchild · 13/08/2022 05:23

Sorry, wrong thread! (No idea how that happened as all I did was Post!)

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