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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I took years to decide on divorce, why am I the bad guy

70 replies

NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 15:33

After 30 years together (25 married) I told my wife I wanted a divorce (three weeks ago). We've had a poor relationship for a number of years. A couple of friends I confide in told me I first mentioned this back in 2014, I didn't realise that.
I fell out of love with her years ago and I've had a few spells of depression trying to come to terms with the fact I'd break her heart. As I work away a lot, more so since the end of the pandemic, I've had time to reflect on where I am in my life and where it's going. I decided I had to do it for us both and our grown up children.
After three months away (two of which I'd spend coming to terms with my final decision) I told her the day after I got home. She wasn't shocked particularly (we'd discussed the "what if" scenario a few times) and hasn't at any point said she doesn't agree with the decision.
However, she tells me I have betrayed her by deciding months ago and not telling her until now. I haven't been honest with her apparently?!
Firstly I was never going to do it on FaceTime and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I couldn't communicate with her because she never listens to my point of view or takes on board my feelings, they are "wrong" normally.
Within 5 minutes of breaking the news to her she said "and don't think you're getting half the house, morally you should give me more than 50% because you haven't put 50% into this relationship".

Just trying to rationilse this. Thank you in advance for listening.

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 23/06/2022 15:55

So easy to say to someone sorry don't love you anymore I want a divorce. Did you at least try counselling together? If not she is right to feel betrayed and you are a coward.

ProjectPants · 23/06/2022 16:19

Do you think counselling through the divorce process might help you both deal with this ?

Not counselling intended to get you back together, more to help you both not end up bitter/traumatised by the whole sad process.

AppleIsMyName · 23/06/2022 16:27

There's never a right time to tell someone you don't want to be with them anymore.

If the decision was not mutual, off course the other party would feel betrayed but that doesn't make you the "bad guy".

dontknowhow2feela · 23/06/2022 16:32

OP please understand I am on the other end of this currently with almost the exact same timings so it's very raw for me.

However I said many things when my ex told me, I imagine even if she was expecting it on some level it will still be a shock.

I note you said it was the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life and it sounds like you are asking her to cut you some slack for this. Did you spend the time planning and researching how to tell her in the most respectful and gentle way and how to ease the news for her?

My situation shares similarities with yours and although I am not angry about our marriage breakdown, the closest I feel to anger about the whole thing is when I think about the time between when he knew and he told me. He spent this in his own selfish little pity party stressed about how hard it was going to be for him to tell me. He didn't even spend two minutes on Google reading any of the many articles giving instructions on how to gently break up with someone or give any thought as to how to ease the news for me. He just blurted it out and then felt better because he'd finally said it and dumped it for me to deal with.

Maybe that's not the case for you but if it resonates, that may be something to consider.

Ohrwurm · 23/06/2022 16:33

Sounds like she is hurt and doesn't actually want to divorce. Could be why you're getting cold comments now

GreenManalishi · 23/06/2022 16:52

She's going to have feelings about the situation and they might not be the same as yours. It's just the situation. It doesn't sound like she's reacted terribly, she's just not happy about it and that's understandable surely? It's a horrible feeling to know you haven't been on the same page as someone, and you've been somehow invested in a relationship while they've been checked out. I'd try and get comfortable with the fact that the divorce process can be really difficult, and will likely throw up more disagreements before it's over, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're "wrong" for wanting to end the marriage.

Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:46

Yes, we had counseling about 10 years ago. No amount of counseling will make me fall in love with her but thank you for your scathing comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:47

NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:46

Yes, we had counseling about 10 years ago. No amount of counseling will make me fall in love with her but thank you for your scathing comment.

That was in reply to @ErinAoife

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:50

ProjectPants · 23/06/2022 16:19

Do you think counselling through the divorce process might help you both deal with this ?

Not counselling intended to get you back together, more to help you both not end up bitter/traumatised by the whole sad process.

I did suggest this but she wasn't interested.Too angry I think. She is only angry about the fact we'll have to sell the house, not it seems the fact we have ended our relationship.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 23/06/2022 17:52

It’s going to be raw with her even if deep down she knows it for the best
big upheaval and life change and you’re one step ahead
its going to take time after such a long marriage to adjust

settlenent will be worked out on many factors but blame, emotions and guilt don’t come into it

Cocowatermelon · 23/06/2022 17:53

What were you expecting, ‘Thank you for telling me, that must have been hard for you.’
She’s playing catch up now because you’ve been planning this for months and she’s got to get up to speed practically and emotionally to go through the divorce process.
There isn’t a bad guy here. You’re just a bit naive to expect her not to lash out because you were the one who pulled the plug. It’s like every minor breakup ever, where one person says they broke up with the other and the second person says it was ´mutual’. No one likes being dumped, even when the relationship is dead in the water.
Get some advice about what a fair split of assets would be in your case.

Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:55

dontknowhow2feela · 23/06/2022 16:32

OP please understand I am on the other end of this currently with almost the exact same timings so it's very raw for me.

However I said many things when my ex told me, I imagine even if she was expecting it on some level it will still be a shock.

I note you said it was the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life and it sounds like you are asking her to cut you some slack for this. Did you spend the time planning and researching how to tell her in the most respectful and gentle way and how to ease the news for her?

My situation shares similarities with yours and although I am not angry about our marriage breakdown, the closest I feel to anger about the whole thing is when I think about the time between when he knew and he told me. He spent this in his own selfish little pity party stressed about how hard it was going to be for him to tell me. He didn't even spend two minutes on Google reading any of the many articles giving instructions on how to gently break up with someone or give any thought as to how to ease the news for me. He just blurted it out and then felt better because he'd finally said it and dumped it for me to deal with.

Maybe that's not the case for you but if it resonates, that may be something to consider.

I am so sorry you are on the blunt end of this scenario, it's awful.

Yes, I spent countless hours, days even weeks looking at things online, confiding in a couple of our mutual friends (though obviously my close friends). I never wanted to hurt her although I knew it would ultimately happen. We've been together since we were 16, our whole adult lives.
Yes I had my own selfish pity party too but obviously she can't understand that as she is in the anger phase at the moment.

I just hope one day we can still laugh like we used to but I won't love her the same way, too much water has passed.

OP posts:
Flowerymess · 23/06/2022 17:56

Just deal with it. You've had much longer to process the break up whereas she hasn't. Expect her to be angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed and fluctuate between them all.

Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 17:56

Ohrwurm · 23/06/2022 16:33

Sounds like she is hurt and doesn't actually want to divorce. Could be why you're getting cold comments now

If she didn't want a divorce, why has she never told me that since I told her I did and always talked about "if we divorce" like it's a normal thing to happen.
I think she knows it's the best thing for her future life (as she kept telling me) to be without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 18:00

Cocowatermelon · 23/06/2022 17:53

What were you expecting, ‘Thank you for telling me, that must have been hard for you.’
She’s playing catch up now because you’ve been planning this for months and she’s got to get up to speed practically and emotionally to go through the divorce process.
There isn’t a bad guy here. You’re just a bit naive to expect her not to lash out because you were the one who pulled the plug. It’s like every minor breakup ever, where one person says they broke up with the other and the second person says it was ´mutual’. No one likes being dumped, even when the relationship is dead in the water.
Get some advice about what a fair split of assets would be in your case.

All fair comments, thank you, expect the naivety. I knew exactly the response I would get, maybe you misunderstand my post. I'm not asking if she's acting abnormally. I now she is an irrational person anyway. Her whole life is a crisis, she isn't very good at coping with trauma, that's part of the reason I knew it would be so hard.

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/06/2022 18:02

How old are your kids?

Oblomov22 · 23/06/2022 18:03

I'm not quite sure what you were expecting. I don't want you anymore. How is there a good way to dress this up?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2022 18:06

Just trying to rationilse this.

Don't bother because it's not possible and you've wasted enough time already. Just get a solicitor and end it already.

LittleOwl153 · 23/06/2022 18:12

I too was going to ask how old the kids were... the cynic in me wonders if you have left it till the kids left home / were independant so that you could get a clean break and 50% of the assets rather than having to subsidise her to maintain the children as you might have done 10 years ago...

Beyond that I think you have to give her time to catch up - given you are 2-3 months ahead in the process.

Cocowatermelon · 23/06/2022 18:16

Your OP reads like you are surprised by her reaction. Which would be naive. But apparently you knew she would react this way. So what do you actually want from this thread?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 23/06/2022 19:15

Doesnt sound like she is in love with you either, I would say she is more concerned with losing her home and lifestyle. Does she work? Will she be able to support herself? These are not small concerns as we advance in age, so I have no judgement there. If she has primarily cared for the kids and now has no career and income to speak of, it would be easy to feel discarded and that you no longer have any worth. If you want to smooth things over and approach this more amicably, then addressing those concerns directly and finding a path where you both are secure would be helpful.

Carrotzen · 23/06/2022 19:20

What the fuck did you expect to happen? You just told her you wanted a divorce?! It's the end of her life as she knows it, of course she's going to be sad about everything that entails including selling her home. Of course she's going to be angry. And you haven't been honesy with her, for the last 2 months in your head you've been breaking up and she had no clue

cottagegardenflower · 23/06/2022 19:36

It's. dry difficult, but you can't make yourself love someone you don't. Try to stay calm, keep away from recriminations and blame shifting. You may not have been the husband she wanted which is why she wasn't the the wife you wanted. It's no ones fault and raking over the past will not help, so just try to reassure her that you are both different people from the teens you were, and need to make lives without each other. You can suggest remaining on pleasant terms but don't give her hope you will change your mind. Just steer the conversation back to practicalities of a 50/50 divorce split. See a solicitor as you may need to share your pension. Advise her to do the same

Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 19:48

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/06/2022 18:02

How old are your kids?

23 and nearly 20. Our 23 year old left home 4 years ago, and youngest is hanging in there :)

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMackerel · 23/06/2022 19:50

LittleOwl153 · 23/06/2022 18:12

I too was going to ask how old the kids were... the cynic in me wonders if you have left it till the kids left home / were independant so that you could get a clean break and 50% of the assets rather than having to subsidise her to maintain the children as you might have done 10 years ago...

Beyond that I think you have to give her time to catch up - given you are 2-3 months ahead in the process.

Yes, sensible comments. No I didn't wait til the kids were old enough, that's not how my brain works. If that were the case I'd have done this nearly 2 years ago when my youngest turned 18

OP posts: