I took years to decide on divorce, why am I the bad guy

[NoMackerel]

After 30 years together (25 married) I told my wife I wanted a divorce (three weeks ago). We've had a poor relationship for a number of years. A couple of friends I confide in told me I first mentioned this back in 2014, I didn't realise that.
I fell out of love with her years ago and I've had a few spells of depression trying to come to terms with the fact I'd break her heart. As I work away a lot, more so since the end of the pandemic, I've had time to reflect on where I am in my life and where it's going. I decided I had to do it for us both and our grown up children.
After three months away (two of which I'd spend coming to terms with my final decision) I told her the day after I got home. She wasn't shocked particularly (we'd discussed the "what if" scenario a few times) and hasn't at any point said she doesn't agree with the decision.
However, she tells me I have betrayed her by deciding months ago and not telling her until now. I haven't been honest with her apparently?!
Firstly I was never going to do it on FaceTime and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I couldn't communicate with her because she never listens to my point of view or takes on board my feelings, they are "wrong" normally.
Within 5 minutes of breaking the news to her she said "and don't think you're getting half the house, morally you should give me more than 50% because you haven't put 50% into this relationship".

Just trying to rationilse this. Thank you in advance for listening.

Yes, I believe this is more the case really. Yes, she works. Earns about the same as me, has a more stable career than me but yes it'll be a big adjustment for us both.

Maybe you didn't read my post entirely but for clarity I work abroad a lot. In the two months after making the decision (and a month before it) I was on the opposite side of the world.
No way was I going to tell her on a video call or a phone call. Jeez.
At the earliest opportunity after getting home (within 24 hours) I sat her down and explained, opened up about my every thought.

So, what the fuck did I expect to happen . . . er this . .
However, I wasn't being sneaky, secretive or dishonest. I don't have another love interest and I didn't want to hurt her.

@ProjectPants I'm going to try this approach again, now she's had a few weeks to think about it.
It makes the most sense to me.

She is a counselor herself so I don't know why she didn't want to do this. Perhaps because she wasn't in control of the suggestion?! Normally she likes to be the one in the driving seat!

@GreenManalishi Thank you, this is a very rounded summary and aligns with what I have been thinking in my head.
Man I hate posting my life story but it's kind of helping already seeing people's opinions with the overview I've shared. I'm just hoping to clear my head with this, not find a cure / pin blame or anything like that.
I honestly wish her so much love in the future, she's the mother of my beautiful children. I know this is going to hurt everyone but I also know it is 100% the right thing for us all in the long term.

“I now she is an irrational person anyway. Her whole life is a crisis, she isn't very good at coping with trauma, that's part of the reason I knew it would be so hard”

So if you believe her to be this emotional, did you really think it would be a great idea to tell your wife you want a divorce on the day you’re back after 3 months away?

You set it up for drama and crisis. So yes, you are the bad guy.

In the oil industry I’m guessing OP?

well she complained about me being disloyal by not telling her for 2 months while I was away, do you think it would have been better to wait another month while at home? To me that's proper betrayal, living in the same house/proximity and still not 'fessing up.
No, I'm happy that the way I did it was the best way, I don't question that, obviously she does because it's me telling her rather than the other way around (which probably would have been okay in her book).

I didn't "set it up" either (do you know her LOL). It was a natural progression from making the decision to delivering the message but I happened to be working away when I decided.

No, I'm not in the oil industry. I wish I had that money, then she could keep the house and this post would never have appeared!

Exactly, you did set it up. YOU thought about it for months, YOU figured how it would work practically, YOU figured it wasn’t best over the phone, YOU decided the date at which to say you wanted a divorce. So yes, you set it up and you set it up for drama.

“No, I'm happy that the way I did it was the best way, I don't question that”

Then why you posting on here then? Not content wasting your wife’s years, you want to waste others time listening to your bleating.

Thanks @Pippinbird Clearly you don't understand.
You don't need to respond.

I don't think you're the bad guy. I felt the same about my marriage (I'm female) and spent a long time trying to come to terms with the fact that I knew, deep down, that my marriage was over. I tried to make it work - especially for the kids - but knew it wasn't going to work. We were world's apart. Age gap, sexless marriage and no connection.

Fair enough, you'd known about your decision for a while but there is no doubt that you battled with that decision emotionally for the entire time that you were away. I think you did the right thing telling her straight away. There was no point delaying it. She's hurt. Of course she is but when one party is no longer happy in the marriage then something has to give.

Thank you @LibertyBlues , it's nice to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation. All sounds the same except the age gap. Our kids, certainly our youngest (as still at home) has noticed the tension in the house for several years and wasn't particularly surprised with the decision I made.

Yes, it was a horrible contract to go through for me, having to work and put a face on it while thousands of miles from what I really needed to be dealing with.

Our oldest is more emotionally outpouring and was initially very upset of course but a few weeks in seems to be levelling out and talking more rationally about things, particularly after getting more of my wife's side of the story than mine.
I absolutely don't want kids brought into our tussle as playing cards, it isn't their fault and I hope she doesn't try any emotional blackmail in our asset separation as we'll all lose.

My eldest took it hard too. He blamed me. I talked to him to explain why I'd done it. He was difficult to deal with for a while but has matured a lot recently and seems to have accepted it.
My stbxh stopped talking to me, completely, after the divorce papers arrived and he moved out. He didn't see it coming and was quite happy to coast along with a dead marriage. I feel bad for the kids that he had reacted like that. He should still be amicable for their sakes.
I am going though a long-drawn out divorce which is very tough. Mainly due to money! I think, soon, I am going to just walk away and let him have what he wants so that I get my freedom.

"Yes, I spent countless hours, days even weeks looking at things online, confiding in a couple of our mutual friends (though obviously my close friends)."

Then I commend you for the above. My stbxh didn't talk to anyone, do any research, seek any counsel from anywhere. Just journaled for a month and spoke with OW about how bad he felt. When he did tell me, I had 10 mins to get over the shock before I was confronted with one of our kids and I had to tell them why I was consoling their crying father! That bit I find hard to forgive!

I spoke with him about finances within the first hour and made him get a pension snapshot straight away. He presented a fait accompli, we were done, he was leaving. There was no point in begging him to stay so my mind was on practicalities for my future and what I would need to survive. I also wanted to make sure he was well aware his finances would be affected as I wasn't sure he'd given it real consideration, which he hadn't of course🙄

I don't think you're a bad person for wanting out of a marriage but this bit is going to be a bit rough. I do hope things level out well for you in time.

Don't do this @LibertyBlues . That's what he wants and he's doing it deliberately. Get some counselling to be able to get through it. You deserve your fair settlement.

OP you've been given some very good advice and you've also been given some comments by people who are bitter about their own situation from the sounds of it. There are many women on here who take the time to work out how they feel and the usual suggestion is to take your time and get all your financial ducks in a row before raising the question of divorce! I think it's perfectly normal to have to contemplate before you leave a long marriage and to choose the best time to end it (there is no right time).

It doesn't sound to me like your wife is desperate to keep the marriage going, nor that she's been fighting for it. Perhaps that's part of the problem between you. I'd be careful that's she's not trying to manipulate you to get a better deal. Try not to feel guilty, it makes you easier to manipulate. Be kind but not a pushover.

NoMackarel:

This is Mumsnet - had you been a woman you would have been cheered to the rafters for your decision.

Pay no heed, the hypocrisy on here is astonishing. Just make sure you get what's yours, and make sure she can't empty the bank etc.

I left my marriage if twenty years and my husband was thoroughly pissed off, not about losing me but about having to give up his perfect life that I facilitated, five years on we're very amicable, he agreed eventually that we're better apart and that he didn't have the guts to be the one to pull the plug, he has a new partner who he's much better suited to. Kids are all happy and agree we did the right thing but it was hard. Try to be kind to each other.

Agree! I commented before and said off course she'll feel betrayed just as he would if the shoe were on the other foot.

But does that mean he's a bad guy? No it doesn't. You can't fake a relationship. If you don't love her anymore and you've tried, what else are you meant to do?

Fair enough you've made up your mind for months and just telling her now, but even if you did tell her this months ago, pretty sure the reaction would have been the same.

OP, good luck and don't listen to all the comments bashing you. You're not the first to leave a marriage and you wont be the last.

@LibertyBlues I really hope you don't just walk away, @Spabreak is right, you should persevere for what you deserve! And thank you for your wise words too @Spabreak

Hi,
When I filed for divorce I wanted it done quickly but it's dragged out to close to 2 years due to trying to reach a financial settlement. He is fed up of waiting and his solicitor sent a letter, via my solicitor, to say they wanted me to accept the offer and as I hadn't they were moving it to mediation. I received a letter today for me to book an appointment. Another £80 on top of the £250 and hour I'm paying the solicitor. My solicitor doesn't want it to go to court and has sent me a shocking list of court fees etc. to put me off but I want to end up having to get a mortgage that'll eat up any disposable income I have. I have the younger child 100% of the time. Other one is adult. I worked hard to get a career and pick it up after being part time for 12 years. I overpaid the mortgage for years with money I'd get extra on top of my salary for doing out of hours work. I put into the marriage more than him as far as money is concerned. Meanwhile he topped up his pension throughout the marriage and inherited money (which he has ring fenced). House prices where I live have risen a lot over the last 2-3 years.

Sorry! I'm hijacking your post but, like someone said, there is never a right time to end a marriage - especially a long marriage - and you can't fake a relationship. If it's gone, it's gone!

That should say I don't want to get a mortgage that'll eat up my disposable income!

@LibertyBlues It's okay, I don't see it has hijacking, it's interesting to hear your side and I'm very sorry for your situation. I think you can show how much extra you've put into things financially but unfortunately I think it's still a 50/50 split. I guess his inherited money can be ring-fenced because it's not a matrimonial asset. House prices everywhere are crazy, my only thought is that they are very likely to drop during next year so if you can sell and hang on to the cash for a while you'll get more for your money.

You should have told her as soon as you started to think about it seriously. I'd be annoyed about you wasting my life as you spent years deliberating, making absolutely sure it was the right decision for YOU, whilst I was obliviously progressing with the marriage. If you had told me in 2014 you were seriously thinking of divorce I would have left then and there and got on with my life.

These messages about how you should have told her immediately- what!? If someone wanted to end a 25 year marriage to me I’d want to be damn sure they’d thought carefully and long about it, waited for a mood or temporary feeling to pass, explored carefully with advice, how to say it, been totally sure it was a subject they were right to bring up- before they started threatening the end of my current circumstances. It’s not a light thing to say and not something to say while abroad.

It’s only two months of thinking for gods sake. It’s hardly she’s been “living a lie” for three years or whatever.

However it shows that for some people, any kind of breakup, even one in an acknowledged dead marriage, hurts their pride and makes you a villain. Having a villain is very soothing- it makes your friends rally quicker, it makes you feel better about the self doubt that creeps in, and gives you somewhere tangible to put their anger and fear.
fortunately not everyone goes down that route. Many people accept and deal with hurt in a grownup way, recognise the truth or at least the inevitability, see why it’s happening, feel sad but wish each other well.

really, there’s no golden way of breaking up with someone and if you are unlucky enough to have a Victim Spouse then it can be tempting to think anything you do will be spun in a way that makes them hard done by. Those people have a blind spot to their own faults and a reactive nature often going back to childhood. However you can stop it getting worse. That way you can hope that it’s a phase of grief and will eventually lead to acceptance- and even, appreciation of what your relationship evolves into at the end.
so keep trying. keep being as good as you can be. there are good and bad things to do in ending a relationship.
you have to go- face to face, no personal insults that might dent their confidence, be kind, patient and fair, be financially generous, consistent (no romantic waivering) and firm about your own boundaries, don’t react to goading, grieve together and give them time to readjust.

You are going to be the bad guy because you are the one who ended it. Relationships don't often end well and there will often be blame and resentment, whether it's justifiable or not. The only thing I would pull you up on is confiding in mutual friends. This wasn't fair on anyone, your spouse or your friends.

As several people have pointed out including @ladamanera most recently, it's not something you just blurt out as soon as you think about it,particularly in a very longstanding (whole adult life) relationship.

Perhaps you missed the sentence in my OP "I couldn't communicate with her because she never listens to my point of view or takes on board my feelings, they are "wrong" normally."
So to elaborate, many times we discussed this possibility, something we never used to dream would even be suggested. After every time we had discussed it as a possibility, she would later not even acknowledge that a conversation like that had happened. It took me several years to realise that she was so in denial that she couldn't acknowledge it as a possibility.
She always, always has the last word. It's always her way or no way. This is probably why I am (as I quoted) the "bad guy" because she isn't getting her own way and can't turn it around.

So, no offence but, yes, I was absolutely going to make sure it was the right decision for me while she was blindly ignoring the unfolding disaster.

Look, you’re not ´the bad guy’ because there isn’t a bad guy in the situation you’ve described. You haven’t done anything wrong. Stop worrying about it. The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is trying to paint you STBEXW as unhinged because she has taken this news badly. Most people take being dumped badly, at least at first. Let the dust settle a little and then start negotiating how to untangle your lives. - a little hint about splitting finances and assets: A fair deal is likely to be one that feels a little bit crap (but not ridiculous) to both of you.