I took years to decide on divorce, why am I the bad guy

[NoMackerel]

After 30 years together (25 married) I told my wife I wanted a divorce (three weeks ago). We've had a poor relationship for a number of years. A couple of friends I confide in told me I first mentioned this back in 2014, I didn't realise that.
I fell out of love with her years ago and I've had a few spells of depression trying to come to terms with the fact I'd break her heart. As I work away a lot, more so since the end of the pandemic, I've had time to reflect on where I am in my life and where it's going. I decided I had to do it for us both and our grown up children.
After three months away (two of which I'd spend coming to terms with my final decision) I told her the day after I got home. She wasn't shocked particularly (we'd discussed the "what if" scenario a few times) and hasn't at any point said she doesn't agree with the decision.
However, she tells me I have betrayed her by deciding months ago and not telling her until now. I haven't been honest with her apparently?!
Firstly I was never going to do it on FaceTime and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I couldn't communicate with her because she never listens to my point of view or takes on board my feelings, they are "wrong" normally.
Within 5 minutes of breaking the news to her she said "and don't think you're getting half the house, morally you should give me more than 50% because you haven't put 50% into this relationship".

Just trying to rationilse this. Thank you in advance for listening.

She is allowed to be angry. That is part of the process of emotionally disentangling from you. It’s actually healthy as long as it doesn’t last forever. It’s the cost of divorce and your freedom.

its hard to say just from your posts, but just falling out of love really isn’t a good reason to end a long marriage. You don’t need to share your life story, but you don’t describe day to day strife. Just know that plenty of couples who just get along and are good friends stay married instead of blowing up their entire lives. She may have thought that your marriage would be like that, with the ebb and flow of passion and friendship, that sometimes reignites, but sometimes just remains settled and comfortable.

Look up the 5 stages of grief - even if she had an inkling it was going to happen, until it's said, it's not reality - so I imagine she's going through that cycle and at the moment is now at the "anger" phase.

its hard to say just from your posts, but just falling out of love really isn’t a good reason to end a long marriage.

I disagree, falling out of love and not being able to reignite those feelings is a perfectly good reason to end a marriage. You can end any relationship that doesn’t meet your needs.

You’re ahead of her though, you’ve been thinking about this for a while now and come to terms with it - it’s new for her and of course she’s going to have a reaction. I’m in a similar position in that I’m the one driving the split - my husband has needed time to come to terms with it and I’m glad we’ve taken that time hard as it’s been for us both. He’s now able to talk about future plans, engage in the process of separating and think ahead but it’s take a good few months to get to this point.

I can understand you taking time to be certain yourself before breaking the news to her, and I can understand her reaction. Now is the time for you to think well of her and to have compassion for you both - if only to honour the life you have shared together and to come out of it with your soul intact.

Somebody said
“its hard to say just from your posts, but just falling out of love really isn’t a good reason to end a long marriage”

I personally think that falling out of love with someone who you are no longer attracted to and therefore not going to fall in love with again (not the right personality, goals, interests, opinions etc) is a perfectly good reason. Why on earth would anyone prolong that relationship when it isn’t benefiting either person.

Everyone may think differently but I believe we have one physical life in this present that we retain the experience from so make it count. We (ma AND her) have wasted too much time on this relationship in the last few years. I’m changing it.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for your insight. I’m giving her time to process things and come to terms with the end of this. Unfortunately she has been infusing our kids with thoughts that she is the emotional caring one and I’m the practical one so I’m pushing to get things done, which is totally not the case.
Now I’m under pressure from my eldest child not to do anything for a couple of years because both kids need a stable bedroom to call their own!

It’s lucky I travel away a lot because it actually takes the pressure off the requirement to sell up right now

I definitely think you've done the right thing. You know deep down when the relationship isn't right. I felt the same about my marriage and wasted years pondering over my feelings. In the end, I just had to do something. No, it wasn't fair on him but it wasn't fair on me either. I wasn't attracted to him. But, it wasn't just that. It was obvious we were on different wavelengths about a lot of things. Reading from a different page in this book of life. Our sex life was non-existent - my doing, of course. That is tough as I am deeply passionate but knew I couldn't with him. There was no spark. He was happy to coast along like that forever but neither of our needs were being met. It was no way to live. Saying that, I am still alone and sexless. No affection in my life. Never was and I'm starting to think that there never will be. I didn't deserve this.

I'm not fully divorced yet. It's dragging out. Sorting out the financials is taking its time and its toll on me. I just want to be free to move on. He hasn't spoken to me since I filed for divorce. He just didn't see it coming but this, in itself, shows me how disconnected we were as I gave off plenty of warning signals. We just weren't in tune with each other.

It just wasn't fair to continue. If you're not 'in love' with someone then why continue making yourself unhappy? You have one life!!

I'm sure your kids will come around. You can't hold on forever just because of them.

Hope you're holding up!!

I think it's hard OP- there is rarely a good time to end relationships, especially if no one is forcing your hand due to a very specific reason or another person being involved. There are women on here with years worth of threads where they go over and over it- and they certainly don't get such a hard time as others are giving you here.

All you can do really is give someone time and space and discuss practicalities fairly. Sometimes it's no one's fault- you just no longer feel the same

I think it's a control thing. We're statistically rarer in that we're both men who initiated divorces our wives didn't want. From what I've picked up on these pages, there are some (a minority) of women members here who will apply a double standard depending on whether it was the man or the woman who initiated the divorce and will also apply a double standard about dirty tricks used in divorce. So, for example, a man "walks out" on his wife and "abandons" her if he initiates divorce (even in my case with a serial cheating wife) whereas there is a presumption that the man must be an arsehole if the person initiating is a woman.

Similarly, I've seen forum members egging other women on to demand a greater share of the child care (over 70%) in order to "get more money and a Mesher Order." My ex-wife did this to me and got such a large chunk of the assets that at 40 I'm still saving for a house deposit to be able to accommodate my children. However, whilst these forum members think it's fine that my ex-wife cheated the system in a way that meant our children suffer by having to stay in a cramped flat when they are with me 5 days in 14 and half school holidays (because 70% was always a lie), they think I'm the worst parent on the face of the earth for redressing the balance by putting 30% of my income into a pension to reduce child maintenance that goes to her. Whilst we've effectively done the same thing to one another, these forum members will always have a generous excuse - including lazy assumptions about her role as a parent and homemaker that bears no resemblance to reality - for her and a withering attack for me.

I would recommend you just ignore these members because their opinions are never worth taking seriously. They're just raving hypocrites with enormous double standards like my ex-wife.

@BetterFuture1985 Wow, that's a horrendous situation to be in and I am so sorry you have been treated this way.
Yes, you certainly seem to be right about certain forum members 'gang mentality' almost. I haven't ever taken to a forum of any personal nature so was a bit shocked by the bitterness from people who clearly have no idea but then I guess there are plenty of armchair warriors that have perhaps been burnt by a man in the past, so it's all of our faults!
I think you're very sensible and absolutely right to do what you can to salvage a financial redress of balance. That's a disgusting and selfish thing to do to put you in that position. It sounds like she had little or no respect for you in having affairs, or simply didn't love you so to continue with trying to make the rest of your life a misery after all of that is a continuation of that mentality unfortunately.
My situation sounds simple compared to yours. I wish you all the luck and good karma in the world.
As a BTTF fan I love your username!

@NoMackerel @LibertyBlues @MissSmiley I am also in the same p.

Your comments have really helped me aswell, thank you

@Lifeisarollercoaster647382 always here if you want to talk more, there's so much support to be had, you're definitely not alone

@MissSmiley thank you.

As a female, I do agree with the men that the 'double standards' of some women are unacceptable.

We're not all the same, I am ensuring I get my share but it absolutely needs to be fair and reasonable between myself and my stbxh for ours and our children's futures.

@MissSmiley and you 😁

Actually in my experience it is not easy. Many people spend years thinking about it before they can say it out loud, really start to figure realities of what life will be like after divorce.
especially after 30 years of marriage- this isn’t someone who is taking an “easy” path

Just get divorced and stop wasting any more of your life. I don't know the ins and outs of all this but it doesn't sound great from either side.
She doesn't get to say who has what and will just have to lump it unless there is a big back story such as all the property was hers before you met or an inheritance that was left to her.
Just grit your teeth and get on with it. The divorce won't be accepted by a judge anyway unless the split is fair so I very much doubt she will get her own way.
Better to just get the job done and both move on. No fault divorces do ease the process somewhat.

You are both mid thirties children raised. This has happened to friends of mine initially she was so hurt and angry. But now I see her having weekend away for gigs. Smiling, happy. She's still a tad angry that he's moved on and is happy for her. They get on so much better now which is a huge relief to family and friends. Neither of them have started dating yet they're content to be free of the misery

Op, maybe helpful to read up about grief cycle. You have both got to go through that. You’re probably a long way ahead and into the acceptance becuase you’ve already started to overcome the “fear” of the unknown of what life will be like after divorce.
even though it may not be a shock to her, she is probably not past the whole anger and bargaining stage…hence why she is obsessing about the housing situation.

if you can slow down a moment. If you can be amicable now is the time to be really amicable and help each other get through hte financial split together. Get hold of the 10 or so criteria the courts use to determine if a fincnal agreeement is fair. Go to Advice Now site and pay for their guides (£20 a pop) on diy divorce fincnail settlements. Go to government site and m3 dilate site too. Pull out all relevant processes and documents and forms, Read them togther. Do your form E and D81 together don’t start arguing who gets what until you work through those steps. Then work through what the settlement will most likely be if you did take it all the way to a court to decide. You don’t want to do that, you don’t even need to set a solicitor to decide- work through together, define your own consent order and then just get solicitor to draft it in legal speak and submit to court.

. Give her the time and support to get her head into the same space as yours around what her life after divorce will be. Only then , when she can visualise it properly , in detail, will she start to move into Acceptance phase of grief cycle. Whether you like it or not, if you’ve moved on emotionally form each other some years ago, it may not be surprising to her, but the fact that she hasn’t asked for divorce is becuase of her fear of the unknown form the practical aspects of where she will live, how she will support herself etc. marriage is as much a financial and legal contract as about love. Don’t forget that.

i divorced last year. 30 years of marriage. Very sad. But we spent a huge amount of time once I asked for divorce, talking through together and understanding what our futures would be and the financial consequences. I think we moved into Acceptance phase fairly quickly becuase we both set out with view we wanted to divorce as quickly as possible, as cheaply as possible and to protect our way of life/standard of living we each needed fairly .

M3 dilute ? Should be Mediate site

Just wanted to update this thread as it's been over two years since the split and I know several people on here have, or are, suffering similar emotions/circumstances. We resolved things financially through mediation, house is being sold, divorce completed after about a year from application. All fairly simple processes.
Emotionally, obviously things are still difficult and until the house is sold, most likely it'll be eggshells but I think there is some respect still between us. Kids have been pretty good in general, apart from a period of spite by one of them, influenced by my ex (and initiated by some poisonous third party) but due to always having a good relationship with my kids, we've recovered that.
I honestly see a positive outcome on the distant horizon for us all.

Thank you to the helpful commenters, even to the more bitter (obviously nerve-touched) others. Everyone had a valid point and obviously all entitled to opinions which I fully accept and appreciate.

For those of you still battling your situations, I wholeheartedly wish you well and if I can offer any wisdom as far as my experience in this goes, please ask. I am not qualified in any respect but having now done this course in real life, I have a level one certificate. 🤣
I have learned a lot in the last two years, both positive and negative. I hope it will make us all better people 🙏

You are not a bad person OP - the reaction here would be different if you were a woman- we would be told to be getting our 'ducks in a row' months before we did anything or be 'making mental plans' again for months before- the fact is this is how anyone with compassion mentally works male or female - is there anyone else involved? If so please don't lie about that- it comes out and causes resentment.

I'm a woman who has been in a similar position for years - I've stayed mainly for practical reasons and to be honest I too would behave identically. It's because you give a shit- if you didn't you would just say 'fuck this' one night and have 'created' a scene and left- that's why some people do that- because it's easier to leave in a strop than sit down calmly and announce you are ending things- especially after a long time - I've been married 28 years

Ah just saw your update!!