Are university age children really not considered???

[neverfunny]

My husband and I are in the early stages of divorce and although I had read this in several places, I really am stunned that his solicitor has told him that our two children who will be at uni next year will not be given any consideration in terms of agreeing accommodation. Does anyone have experience of this? Do courts not realise that they need to come home in holidays etc? I just feel desperate because he is now trying to force me into a 2 bed property when I have three teen children?

thank you

@RedWingBoots Both my parents are narcissistic arseholes who should never have had children...but that's another whole thread in itself!

Do courts happily split children/siblings up?

They're not children if they're all at uni. And if they're ok living away from home, then they should be ok staying with one or the other parent and travelling between the two should they want to?

I get you're upset about this, but you're clearly at the very early stages here and not only catastrophising but also heaping a whole lot of expectations about your kids that may or may not be relevant.

FWIW My parents split when I was 18, I gave up my bedroom to my brother (mine was a double and his a single) and I came home from uni for short 'holidays' and worked otherwise past first year. I stayed with whichever parent had room. By the time we were all grown up and had boyfriends/girlfriends to bring home as well, We'd all just stay where it was most appropriate.

My mom managed to keep 66% of the house because I was 17 she threw me out on my 18th birthday

It's between you both what you negotiate.

Does he want to keep a good relationship with his adult children or is he a dick who is walking away from everything? There is only so much you can do if he's a dick. Just go for as much as you can in the divorce as that's your last chance to get anything. Get all pensions valued and look into paying for a pension audit if he's got public sector/tps/final salary.

Off topic but could you find a 3 bed in a cheaper area? Surely it's about the value of the property not the allocated amount of bedrooms?

Fwiw op I work work with lots of students and most of them stay here over summer and work full time/ do a full time internship. Seems quite common these days.

Good luck

Staying year round is completly possible they would just need to chose suitable housing and get Jobs in the location they live.

Sadly yes. It happened to me aged 18. Over time you might earn more to provide a better standard of living (or meet someone) and equally they may all go off and find their own accom. Hopefully their lives will be great at uni etc so home life won’t be the biggest deal in their lives. You’ve done the best you can for them so far 👏

thank you for your kind response.

My parents divorced during my first year at university. Financially, my dad kept supporting me but neither parent moved into a house with room for me. I could come "home" and sleep on the sofa, but of course didn't really feel welcome or at home. It did damage my relationship with both parents and I settled after university in a different country from them. They both could have afforded somewhere with room for me, but considered me an adult.

So, Op, I would try to accommodate your student DC if at all possible. Try to make them feel welcome at your house even if it's a tight squeeze. It's a shame that the law doesn't take into account student status in terms of your situation.

Why are you wanting your husband not you to live in the family house until your youngest is 18?

Tbh he’s done you a favour by showing his true colours now by showing he’s very willing to stuff you over. He doesn’t need the marital home anymore than you do for shared custody. So I’d go for a split of assets and sale of house. Or why not state you want to live in the marital home?

Thank you although I am sorry to hear you went through that. This is exactly what I want to avoid.

I can't afford to maintain it but he can, amongst a couple of other purely practical reasons. I would love to stay but it's not an option. I already knew his true colours but yes he has reminded me!

In my experience of divorce a lot of things are said to intimidate the other party into submission but what it comes down to is are you willing to risk it going yo final hearing and a judge deciding for you?

Outcomes can be random and influenced by the personal preferences of the particular judge and how they interpret the law regarding needs based settlements. So whilst technically your housing needs may be strictly a two bedroom house, the split of assets may allow a larger property.

Also tying yourself to moving out of the family home at a later date can be fraught with difficulties, same as maintenance if you are eligible. My exH took me back to court to try to overturn joint lives spousal maintenance five years after our divorce. Loads of unnecessary stress and legal fees.

Better to try to get a clean break so you can move on. My DD has received no financial support from her father through university although he is a high earner and they are now completely estranged.

If your husband is selfish enough to dismiss the needs of your older children, he is unlikely to be cooperative going forward.

What are the practical reasons? Getting him to stay does not seem to be in your best interest or the interest of your eldest two. House prices are high right now and houses are selling easily. We don’t know what will happen in the future. Perhaps have a look into selling and ensure you are properly looked after.

If he’s being like this now, you may struggle to get him to agree to sell in the future once he’s got his feet under the table in the marital home and you don’t want the proceeds from the sale drained through solicitor fees.

Well, yes he is definitely doing that - he's a bully and trying to scare me into staying I suspect.

I definitely want a clean break, so yes good advice thank you.

He (like I, as a PP pointed out) is prone to catastrophising, so is putting a lot of pressure on me. I don't think he's dismissing the needs of the older ones, I think he's just trying to scare me. And it's worked! I feel so sad that through my choice I could have really had a negative impact on the older children's start of adult life.

Yes, very good point. I had hoped to keep the family home for the children but maybe I am being sentimental.

Yes they do that. Mine told me I would have to get rid of my beloved dogs because we could no longer afford them. Led me to breed the female to raise money to keep them. Totally unnecessary as he was actually earning around £8k month net but claiming half that. Unforgivable.

I learnt to take everything subsequently with a big pinch of salt. The second round through court, he came up with all sorts of BS. I completely ignored the lot and ploughed on. Achieved a clean break settlement. Never have to deal with him ever again. Yippee!

This is an extremely stressful time for you and I can understand the fear. Are you able to get some support through this? I found counselling invaluable to stop me panicking and help to see things rationally.

😥Well done on getting there in the end! But yes, it's stressful and I do need to find some support.

BTW on the second round exH was trying to claim that I should downsize my house to release equity because our DD was at university. Judge was having it none of it as he recognised that she still lived at home outside of university.

See, that gives me some hope!

So is he saying you cannot choose to buy/fund/ get mortgage foe a 3 bed home yourself from your own earnings?!

No, what he has said is that a court will only consider that I need a 2 bed house and will award the division of assets accordingly. I think....!

Btw there are 2 basic principle ms if splitting assets during a divorce - needs and sharing

assets are not large enough, needs often overrides, ( for example housing of young children are the greatest need)
where there are sufficient assets to meet both parties needs adequately and still surplus then the principle of sharing also comes in to ensure fair outcome

You need to sit down with your stbexh and discuss what you both need (minimum) and what you think is best for your family without solicitors (who make more money if couples are fighting) being involved. We kept the house until graduation, or that was the plan - but I decided to move away (met someone) and my exh lived in the house, one adult dd decided to move with me (had the choice) the other is fully independent now so we sold up. We split the money 60/40 to reflect his higher earning potential plus I get £600pcm spousal maintenance for my dd (she has asd)