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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal maintenance

53 replies

SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:22

Hi all.
Long time lurker 1st time poster.
I am in the process of getting divorced from my wife. Married 9 years. We have 2 young children 3 and 5 boy and girl. I have been the main earner in the house hold. SO left work around 7years ago due to being sick, reduced her hours the year before leaving. Once pregnant SO didn’t return to work due to the strain of the pregnancy and we both agreed she needed to focus on the child. Along came another several years later. I am completely heart broken at the divorce. Long story short she asked for a divorce, demanded I leave the house and see the children every other weekend. I said no, we kind of agreed to try and make it work - this then turned out to be a lie. I overheard her discussion with several friends at different times where she admires to using me for years for cash and stopped loving me before our 2nd was born. Even her mother talked about using the children to get a better deal on spousal maintenance to screw me down. She has turned me into a joke and isolated me from our shared friends. We don’t get on as she is so cold right now, I want to get on for the children more than anything. I am refusing to leave the house as she will petition to keep it but am open to moving out once things are agreed.
anyway - I want to support her through spousal maintenance and some form of child support, I have no idea on what a fair amount would be. My ideal is that we split the parenting duty in a coparent arrangement - 50/50 with set rules shared in each house (bed times etc) to keep it consistent for the children. We have a few times a week with FaceTime calls on our week “off” so we keep in contact with the children, shared savings accounts for the children etc. I earn a good salary of 135K, £6,400 take home a month. We have around 160K in savings and assets.
i am thinking of offering to pay for the house she wants (around 380k) until the children are 18. Then To split the house 50/50 at this point unless she buys me out before for the market value at that time.
for 5 years I would support her with spousal payments starting at 2,000 a month (mortgage on top paid by me ) reducing each year by £400. Ex wife has no interest in getting a part time job or full time job right now.
what I would like to know is does this sound fair and reasonable. Or am I falling short or over offering? Am I missing anything? Anything I should consider? I want to do the right thing and ensure kids have a good life.
We are living in North East England.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:24

And I have only earned that salary for the last 5 months. Before that it was 110K and 2 years before that 95K.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 05/06/2022 21:26

You need legal advice. And probably a clean break as she seems to hold you in contempt. You have to include pensions in the marital pot as well.

MichelleScarn · 05/06/2022 21:27

Maintenance for the kids, she can get a job.

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 21:30

Do not have shared accounts for the kids, she would be able to remove money for it.
And she needs to get a job.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/06/2022 21:31

Why do you think you should be paying spousal maintenance?

You’re both still living in the same house and there’s no reason why your ex can’t be expected to support herself financially. She is also responsible for providing for 50% of the children’s costs, but it sounds like that won’t happen if you don’t want your children to go without.

When you and your ex are living in separate homes, and if she has the children in her care more than 50/50, you pay child maintenance either at the CMS rate or an otherwise fair amount to contribute to raising your children. Don’t be a complete mug thinking you have to pay for someone who’s unwilling to do anything for themselves.

Isolated101 · 05/06/2022 21:31

That sounds more than fair to me - the children get to stay in their home with their mother who isn’t going to be working, so hardly any upheaval for them. My concern for you though is once you have paid for the mortgage on her house, plus spousal maintenance, will you have enough to rent somewhere suitable for you and the children for your time with them? I would seek legal advice to ensure you are protected as even if you both agree on something now things can quickly change, and whilst you are being really generous and putting your children first, you need to also think of yourself and your future.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2022 21:33

You need legal advice.. not the opinions of mumsnetters.

Her reasons in many ways are irrelevant..

Why 50/50 when you work she doesn't? Surely best place is with a parent. I assume on that income it isn't 9-5.. How hands on are you now ?

secretskillrelationships · 05/06/2022 21:34

Suggest you find a really good mediator who helps you both with through the options. Not all are robust enough but you want to look at all the options and ensure you come up with an agreement that will work even as life changes. For instance, you’ll resent paying spousal if/when she moves a high earning new partner in (or, worse, doesn’t to ensure you keep paying).

A good mediator will encourage both of you to look to future financial independence too - very high earners can be made redundant, develop health issues etc etc just like anyone else so a strategy based solely on your income isn’t good long term., she needs to consider her earning potential too.

Azerothi · 05/06/2022 21:35

I think you are going way, way over the top with those spousal payments. If you have the children 50 50 surely there is no child maintenance either? Shared savings accounts with someone who actively doesn't want to work to support her children is also a very bad idea.

I think you should ask a judge/legal advice to sort it out to make it fair and equal.

mobear · 05/06/2022 21:35

You need legal advice, but without having all the facts, what you have proposed seems overly generous in my opinion if you have shared custody. You also need to consider, if you have shared custody and you’re in full time employment, what costs you may have for childcare/ a nanny.

Acheyknees · 05/06/2022 21:36

Sounds more than fair. If she's not going to work, how will she afford a house once the children reach 18? I think she needs to get a job, what if you lose yours?

Thekormachameleon · 05/06/2022 21:39

Why would you give her 2k a month ??

Pay for a home for your children, pay maintenance - the rest is on her to sort

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:39

Thank you. Pensions are small and included in the 160K.

OP posts:
DumpedByText · 05/06/2022 21:40

Why you giving her spousal, she can get a job and you pay child maintenance. You really need to get a good solicitor, you sound like you want to provide well for your children, but you don't have to let her live off you if you're divorced!

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:40

Agree in principle but I want to avoid too large a shock to the children right away.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:43

KangarooKenny · 05/06/2022 21:30

Do not have shared accounts for the kids, she would be able to remove money for it.
And she needs to get a job.

Good point. I already suspect something is off as she doesn’t want to do the form E and include the childrens accounts

OP posts:
Kangaruby · 05/06/2022 21:46

Get a clean break, my db left the marital home and his ex and children stayed, however this just kicked the can down the round and now the youngest are in their 20's and it's still not sorted, don't be like that

Northernlurker · 05/06/2022 21:46

She's probably got savings you don't know about. You need to think about your future too. You could marry again and it's not going to be fair to your future wife if she's working full time and your ex goes on living off you.
Get a solicitor. Don't pay anything like what you are suggesting to her, support your kids. Save for them on your own account.

millymollymoomoo · 05/06/2022 21:56

Too generous in my view
aim for a Chen’s brek
you may be in spousal territory at least for a few years but paying mortgage and child maintenance and spousal …. She needs to start supporting herself
get good legal advice else you’re about to be fleeced

Danikm151 · 05/06/2022 21:58

Don’t bother with spousal maintenance £1k a month in CM is plenty plus the cost of the mortgage. She can find other means of income

get legal advice.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:00

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/06/2022 21:31

Why do you think you should be paying spousal maintenance?

You’re both still living in the same house and there’s no reason why your ex can’t be expected to support herself financially. She is also responsible for providing for 50% of the children’s costs, but it sounds like that won’t happen if you don’t want your children to go without.

When you and your ex are living in separate homes, and if she has the children in her care more than 50/50, you pay child maintenance either at the CMS rate or an otherwise fair amount to contribute to raising your children. Don’t be a complete mug thinking you have to pay for someone who’s unwilling to do anything for themselves.

Hi. Thanks. I think I have got to pay something. Solicitor has advised I am on the hook but for how long and how much is debatable.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:01

Isolated101 · 05/06/2022 21:31

That sounds more than fair to me - the children get to stay in their home with their mother who isn’t going to be working, so hardly any upheaval for them. My concern for you though is once you have paid for the mortgage on her house, plus spousal maintenance, will you have enough to rent somewhere suitable for you and the children for your time with them? I would seek legal advice to ensure you are protected as even if you both agree on something now things can quickly change, and whilst you are being really generous and putting your children first, you need to also think of yourself and your future.

Thank you for the advice, agree I have a big heart and want the children to have the best possible future. Issue is she knows this and is using it.

OP posts:
Poppetlove · 05/06/2022 22:04

I HATE that so many women chip in and slag other women off.
if this lady has been out of work for 7 years due to health problems caused by childbearing then it is quite lengthy and difficult to train/get back into work whilst also caring for young children especially to get up to a higher salary band. A 7 year gap isn’t really something I would like to see on a CV.
of course, eventually she will need to create her own income however that may be.

TalbotAMan · 05/06/2022 22:05

Call me cynical, but if she 'hasn't loved you since before the 3 year old was born', and she now wants you to leave and get divorced, she's found your replacement and wants to move him in sooner rather than later, at your expense.

You need a lawyer. (Assuming you're in the UK), spousal maintenance hasn't been normal for the past 20 years. The principle which the courts now apply is a 50:50 asset split and then a clean break. Child Maintenance is by agreement or failing that through the Child Maintenance Service (ex-Child Support Agency) and, while it includes an element to deal with the fact that the resident parent has less capacity to work, this is fixed. Again, on contact, unless there is some clear problem with one of the parents, the principle now would be on equally shared parenting (which, if implemented, would likely eliminate the need to have Child Maintenance payments as both parents would share the cost equally).

She has no interest in getting a job right now? Well, as they say, life's a b*tch.

You need a lawyer.

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:06

Go with your solicitors advice. Don't enable her not working that's silly.