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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal maintenance

53 replies

SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 21:22

Hi all.
Long time lurker 1st time poster.
I am in the process of getting divorced from my wife. Married 9 years. We have 2 young children 3 and 5 boy and girl. I have been the main earner in the house hold. SO left work around 7years ago due to being sick, reduced her hours the year before leaving. Once pregnant SO didn’t return to work due to the strain of the pregnancy and we both agreed she needed to focus on the child. Along came another several years later. I am completely heart broken at the divorce. Long story short she asked for a divorce, demanded I leave the house and see the children every other weekend. I said no, we kind of agreed to try and make it work - this then turned out to be a lie. I overheard her discussion with several friends at different times where she admires to using me for years for cash and stopped loving me before our 2nd was born. Even her mother talked about using the children to get a better deal on spousal maintenance to screw me down. She has turned me into a joke and isolated me from our shared friends. We don’t get on as she is so cold right now, I want to get on for the children more than anything. I am refusing to leave the house as she will petition to keep it but am open to moving out once things are agreed.
anyway - I want to support her through spousal maintenance and some form of child support, I have no idea on what a fair amount would be. My ideal is that we split the parenting duty in a coparent arrangement - 50/50 with set rules shared in each house (bed times etc) to keep it consistent for the children. We have a few times a week with FaceTime calls on our week “off” so we keep in contact with the children, shared savings accounts for the children etc. I earn a good salary of 135K, £6,400 take home a month. We have around 160K in savings and assets.
i am thinking of offering to pay for the house she wants (around 380k) until the children are 18. Then To split the house 50/50 at this point unless she buys me out before for the market value at that time.
for 5 years I would support her with spousal payments starting at 2,000 a month (mortgage on top paid by me ) reducing each year by £400. Ex wife has no interest in getting a part time job or full time job right now.
what I would like to know is does this sound fair and reasonable. Or am I falling short or over offering? Am I missing anything? Anything I should consider? I want to do the right thing and ensure kids have a good life.
We are living in North East England.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/06/2022 22:06

See a lawyer. You have been treated badlu. Don't let sentimentality over-ride commom sense. Your ex should get what is fair but don't let her rip you off.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:08

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/06/2022 21:33

You need legal advice.. not the opinions of mumsnetters.

Her reasons in many ways are irrelevant..

Why 50/50 when you work she doesn't? Surely best place is with a parent. I assume on that income it isn't 9-5.. How hands on are you now ?

Hi.
I was looking for a general view from people. My solicitor will always look out for me but a reasonable opinion from external parties gives more advice and variance on what’s fair and reasonable.
50/50 as I am a firm believer that a child should keep the relationship with their parents as much as possible. I am more hands on now with them but as you can imagine living in the same house with a shadow over you limits your true interaction.

OP posts:
TalbotAMan · 05/06/2022 22:08

Solicitor has advised I am on the hook but for how long and how much is debatable.

Let me revise my previous advice. You need a BETTER lawyer.

SO224350 · 05/06/2022 22:09

If she's supposedly too ill to work she'd be entitled to government support?

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:10

secretskillrelationships · 05/06/2022 21:34

Suggest you find a really good mediator who helps you both with through the options. Not all are robust enough but you want to look at all the options and ensure you come up with an agreement that will work even as life changes. For instance, you’ll resent paying spousal if/when she moves a high earning new partner in (or, worse, doesn’t to ensure you keep paying).

A good mediator will encourage both of you to look to future financial independence too - very high earners can be made redundant, develop health issues etc etc just like anyone else so a strategy based solely on your income isn’t good long term., she needs to consider her earning potential too.

Great advice. This is why I want to keep it to a set period and a shared asset. I am sure she will move on long before I.

OP posts:
WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:13

I would say think if 50/50 is what is best for the children. It is for some children. For others they prefer to have a main "base".

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:14

And you could become incapacitated at any point so she needs to think about her own income but that's not for you to worry about frankly.

Nomad916 · 05/06/2022 22:19

I've been through the divorce process. Spousal maintenance is not really "the done thing" anymore. You pay child maintenance and decide what you want to do about the house (usually wife & kids stay in it until youngest is 18, unless husband needs equity for his own house in which case, sell & split) That's it.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:19

Poppetlove · 05/06/2022 22:04

I HATE that so many women chip in and slag other women off.
if this lady has been out of work for 7 years due to health problems caused by childbearing then it is quite lengthy and difficult to train/get back into work whilst also caring for young children especially to get up to a higher salary band. A 7 year gap isn’t really something I would like to see on a CV.
of course, eventually she will need to create her own income however that may be.

Hi.
not related to child bearing. Other health complaints. Agree she is owed. More time and amount the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:22

TalbotAMan · 05/06/2022 22:05

Call me cynical, but if she 'hasn't loved you since before the 3 year old was born', and she now wants you to leave and get divorced, she's found your replacement and wants to move him in sooner rather than later, at your expense.

You need a lawyer. (Assuming you're in the UK), spousal maintenance hasn't been normal for the past 20 years. The principle which the courts now apply is a 50:50 asset split and then a clean break. Child Maintenance is by agreement or failing that through the Child Maintenance Service (ex-Child Support Agency) and, while it includes an element to deal with the fact that the resident parent has less capacity to work, this is fixed. Again, on contact, unless there is some clear problem with one of the parents, the principle now would be on equally shared parenting (which, if implemented, would likely eliminate the need to have Child Maintenance payments as both parents would share the cost equally).

She has no interest in getting a job right now? Well, as they say, life's a b*tch.

You need a lawyer.

Hi
have a solicitor and given the length of marriage, time out of work and life style she does get something. Agree likely their is someone else but who knows.

OP posts:
WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:25

Could you agree a certain amount until youngest is at school and then stop there after and just pay the agreed child maintenance?

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:25

SO224350 · 05/06/2022 22:09

If she's supposedly too ill to work she'd be entitled to government support?

Not too ill to work. Happy to go out 4 days a week whilst The little on is in day care tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:27

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:13

I would say think if 50/50 is what is best for the children. It is for some children. For others they prefer to have a main "base".

I have given this a lot of consideration. Without a bias I have asked what they both want and they like the idea of 50/50. I have tire to make it exciting with two bedrooms and two designs etc and both have said ok. If it is an issue once we start I know I will need to be the person to change it so I have less time.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 05/06/2022 22:28

Your wife will need to get herself a job to pay for herself and her half towards DC if you get 50/50 access. When DC are with you it may be you will need to pay for wrap around care at school or a housekeeper who will look after DC whilst you work. If you can afford mortgage.payments on your own it would make more sense for you to stay in martial home and buy your stbx out for her half share. She could put that with half joint savings and either buy herself a cheaper property outright or use as a large deposit or rent. You should not need to pay stbx for child maintenance of you have them half of the time, but maybe be kind and allow her to claim child benefit. You need a better solicitor.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:31

WooNoodle · 05/06/2022 22:25

Could you agree a certain amount until youngest is at school and then stop there after and just pay the agreed child maintenance?

Yes I am looking to get something arranged around school age etc. good idea.

OP posts:
Hollipolly · 05/06/2022 22:32

Poppetlove · 05/06/2022 22:04

I HATE that so many women chip in and slag other women off.
if this lady has been out of work for 7 years due to health problems caused by childbearing then it is quite lengthy and difficult to train/get back into work whilst also caring for young children especially to get up to a higher salary band. A 7 year gap isn’t really something I would like to see on a CV.
of course, eventually she will need to create her own income however that may be.

She's taking the piss and not just money wise...did you bypass the part when OP said he overheard....

most people don't earn £135k!
The ex wife can apply for pip and even on basic UC and CMS she would be Very comfortable given OPS salary.

Sort your pension too OP!

Nomad916 · 05/06/2022 22:33

Definitely better lawyer. Not because you don't want to give your wife what's fair, but because what your current lawyer is advising, isn't.

GarageGalore · 05/06/2022 22:33

@SSDD1 with all due respect you can't ask that question to a 3 and 5 year old, if you asked them if they wanted to live with Bing bunny they would probably say yes.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:37

caringcarer · 05/06/2022 22:28

Your wife will need to get herself a job to pay for herself and her half towards DC if you get 50/50 access. When DC are with you it may be you will need to pay for wrap around care at school or a housekeeper who will look after DC whilst you work. If you can afford mortgage.payments on your own it would make more sense for you to stay in martial home and buy your stbx out for her half share. She could put that with half joint savings and either buy herself a cheaper property outright or use as a large deposit or rent. You should not need to pay stbx for child maintenance of you have them half of the time, but maybe be kind and allow her to claim child benefit. You need a better solicitor.

Thanks. agree she needs a job. For school I have been very lucky. My employers are allowing me to work 9-330 and use either the week I am off child duty or the weekend to make up the hours, as long as the job is done it’s acceptable. For the times I might struggle I will use family to support with pick ups and drop offs. I’m sure I can make it work. But I also need to realistic. The moment it doesn’t I need to find an alternate.
the offer isn’t from my solicitor it’s my thoughts and I wanted to get feedback from people who should be to boast as I am not paying them (sorry guys!)

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:39

Hollipolly · 05/06/2022 22:32

She's taking the piss and not just money wise...did you bypass the part when OP said he overheard....

most people don't earn £135k!
The ex wife can apply for pip and even on basic UC and CMS she would be Very comfortable given OPS salary.

Sort your pension too OP!

Show quote history

Thanks. Yes I overheard.

OP posts:
Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 22:42

GarageGalore · 05/06/2022 22:33

@SSDD1 with all due respect you can't ask that question to a 3 and 5 year old, if you asked them if they wanted to live with Bing bunny they would probably say yes.

Great point and one I have also thought of. I have the interests of my children at the centre of my thoughts. If it doesn’t work I am prepared to back off 50/50 until they are older. Maybe 3 days / 4 days alternating weeks.

OP posts:
GarageGalore · 05/06/2022 23:15

@SSDD1 please tell me you aren't considering doing one week on one week off with such young children. If your stbx has done most of the care duties, they might feel abandoned by her for not being around for a whole week. It's going to be a difficult and confusing time for them when you are no longer in a family unit. My view (and it is only my view and experience) is that not disrupting their general routine ie where they sleep when you first physically live in different places but seeing them often 3 or 4 times a week gives them a sense of security that they know where they will be at night and who will be there and that the other person hasn't gone, they just are not sleeping in the same house. Then introduce a sleepover and gradually build up to 50/50 when they are able to understand the concept of timeframes more if you think it will still work. I know that this does not fit neatly into child maintenance scenarios but is a transition that is less abrupt for them. I wish all your family well on the bumpy road that is divorce.

Original poster
SSDD1 · 05/06/2022 23:28

GarageGalore · 05/06/2022 23:15

@SSDD1 please tell me you aren't considering doing one week on one week off with such young children. If your stbx has done most of the care duties, they might feel abandoned by her for not being around for a whole week. It's going to be a difficult and confusing time for them when you are no longer in a family unit. My view (and it is only my view and experience) is that not disrupting their general routine ie where they sleep when you first physically live in different places but seeing them often 3 or 4 times a week gives them a sense of security that they know where they will be at night and who will be there and that the other person hasn't gone, they just are not sleeping in the same house. Then introduce a sleepover and gradually build up to 50/50 when they are able to understand the concept of timeframes more if you think it will still work. I know that this does not fit neatly into child maintenance scenarios but is a transition that is less abrupt for them. I wish all your family well on the bumpy road that is divorce.

Thank you for the view. It is a concern for me also. 1 week on 1 week off is easier from an adult point of view. Maybe the 3/4 routine would work better potentially. It’s one that I will ask other parents how they got on with this type of routine. It is the normal in Europe to have 1 week with either parent but every case is different.

OP posts:
waterSpider · 06/06/2022 05:55

Another reason spousal maintenance is a bad idea for non-working partners is that it counts as income and reduces any Universal Credit that may be awarded. Whilst child maintenance doesn't count as income for UC.

WooNoodle · 06/06/2022 06:21

I think children that young will struggle with one week on one week off tbh. Even if they say that is what they want.