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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to charge me.... rent?

53 replies

ShatteredReality · 25/04/2022 15:40

I am in the middle of a "difficult patch" with my husband. I don't have definite answers yet, but my mind is currently on "we need to separate".

Right now though we are in limbo. I think I will soon be moving out to get some time and space and decide how to proceed.

We have been talking about our problems for about 6 months now. Long story short - he doesn't listen much.

Yesterday he abruptly asked me "when am I moving out" and then last night he sent me a long message saying that because we are now on the verge of separating, the current finances are "unfair" and he wants me to start contributing to the mortgages and utility bills. We have always split costs this way - he pays those and I pay nursery fees, food etc.

The number comes out at something close to £1,200 which is more than my part time wage (and he knows this).

I work part time because we have 1 DD together, he works full time and earns more than me anyway.

I can't help but think this is him punishing me - his letter says things like "because we no longer sleep in the same bed" etc.

I am completely at a loss how to respond to him - is he allowed to do this? The mortgages are in joint names, but I am not sure about the utilities etc.

Can anybody offer any advice?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2022 15:47

Send him an invoice for childcare?

KangarooKenny · 25/04/2022 15:49

If you’re moving out you won’t pay him rent.

Mugcupmug · 25/04/2022 15:50

Tell him the mortgage isn't a buy to let one and also you can't rent your own property
Sounds like because you won't sleep with him he's charging you to breathe the same air as him. Tell him to do one and seek legal advice.
Sounds like you would be well rid of him.

oompapa · 25/04/2022 15:52

LTB...'when are you moving out?' is quite a subtle hint that your relationship is over.

RagzRebooted · 25/04/2022 15:53

Tell him you'll be going to work full time and he can pay half the childcare bill and take half the time off work when child is home ill, plus doing half the household jobs.

heldinadream · 25/04/2022 15:57

See a solicitor ASAP because he's turning nasty and meanwhile just don't rise to anything or agree to anything. You need to act on this.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 25/04/2022 16:03

heldinadream · 25/04/2022 15:57

See a solicitor ASAP because he's turning nasty and meanwhile just don't rise to anything or agree to anything. You need to act on this.

I agree with this 110%.

Do not discuss it with him, go see a solicitor on your own, take the letter with you, and discuss how to start divorce proceedings.

In the meanwhile, get together all the paperwork you can find to protect your financial situation when your DH decides he wants you out and to prevent him from hiding or disposing of assets. Any joint accounts, stop paying in to them. Consider asking the bank to freeze any savings accounts. Again, ask your solicitor what you can, and should be doing now since your husband is turning mean.

DenholmElliot · 25/04/2022 16:04

Yep! Invoice him for childcare. For exactly the same amount as he's charging you.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 25/04/2022 16:10

P. S. Discuss the legal implications of your moving out with your solicitor. In some cases it can be seen as abandonment, particularly if you are not contributing financially to household bills such as the mortgage and rates, etc. That may count against you in any financial settlement. I'm not a lawyer, just going on what I've picked up along the way from friends who were in a situation such as yours.

DaffodilsandCoffee · 25/04/2022 16:35

Don’t move out without talking to a lawyer first. Be on guard for him moving and hiding money from joint accounts etc.

Shedcity · 25/04/2022 16:41

You tell him he’ll need to arrange putting the house on the market then to release your equity …and also obv have his daughter 3.5 days a week so you can work. 50/50 is fair.
don’t move out.
and start figuring out your exit strategy from this situation. He’s forced your hand.

Krakenchorus · 25/04/2022 16:41

See a solicitor. Don't pay him anything. Refuse to discuss the letter.

Kat1953 · 25/04/2022 16:42

heldinadream · 25/04/2022 15:57

See a solicitor ASAP because he's turning nasty and meanwhile just don't rise to anything or agree to anything. You need to act on this.

This. Putting remarks in writing like you're no longer sharing a bed is preparing the ground for legal action. Get there first.

And absolutely, don't go anywhere or pay him anything until you've taken legal advice.

I'm so sorry, op Flowers

Neverreturntoathread · 25/04/2022 16:43

He’s given you warning he’s going to be a total dick about this. Any time he raises money, say I think its best if we let the lawyers sort out the money side.

Then get a damn good lawyer, asap.

forlornlorna1 · 25/04/2022 16:46

I'd tell him he's making the decision to end the relationship very easy with these ridiculous demands. I agree that you need to get some legal advice

ChocolateHippo · 25/04/2022 16:47

I agree with pp. Invoice him for childcare and cleaning/housework provided. If he doesn't pay, go out on one of his work days and leave your DD with him so he can't go to work.

On a more serious note, you should seriously consider seeing a solicitor and getting advice about your financial position. Not only are you not going to have to pay him rent, but the likelihood is that you will be entitled to at least half of the joint marital assets plus child maintenance from him if you're going to be primary carer going forward.

D0lphine · 25/04/2022 16:47

"Right now though we are in limbo.*"

"Yesterday he abruptly asked me "when am I moving out"*

I mean this very gently but I don't think you're in limbo here. He clearly doesn't want to continue the relationship.

One piece of advice I have for you is DONT LEAVE the family home. DONT LEAVE.

Feel your rage. How dare he ask you to leave your home? If he minds so much, HE can leave.

I'd respond to his text along the lines of: "I haven't made any decisions about moving out."

Then go and see a solicitor about getting a divorce. Don't change any of the finances until you've spoken to her. Keep the status quo.

As the lower earner you may be entitled to stay in the house and get spousal and child support. Don't let him bully you into leaving your home or making any other big financial decision.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 25/04/2022 16:51

See a lawyer, and tell him you'd assumed he would be the one moving out to minimise the disruption to your child(ren), as it's best for them to continue to live in their current home.

Shmithecat2 · 25/04/2022 16:59

Bill him back for nursery fees, child care at home, any other housekeeping you may have done for him (£15ph is reasonable), remind him he'll have to buy his own groceries, and see how he reacts.

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 17:03

Don’t engage with that sort of rubbish.

Go and see a lawyer and see what they advise.
But more importantly stop thinking the decision hasn’t been taken. If you aren’t quite sure, your (ex?) DH is. He is pushing you so that YOU are the one who is taking the decision and isn’t looking like the bad guy. That is it.

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 17:08

Btw I get that invoicing him for the childcare would feel very satisfying.

But I wouldn’t lower yourself down to his level. It’s not worth it.
Start with looking after yourself, cover your back. And don’t get involved in point scoring. It’s not worth it.

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2022 17:18

Agree with others
seek legal advice
do not live out / even if the house is dorky in his name it’s considered a marital asset
register home rights if you are not on the deeds

during a divorce ( if you chose such a route) both parties would typically be expected to preserve the status quo re financial arrangements and you’d be able to seek interim ancillary relief if necessary from him

dont get into tit for tat. Just say politely, ill
soeak with my solicitor to anything he says

Original poster
ShatteredReality · 25/04/2022 17:30

Thanks everyone.
It's a relief to see that I'm not alone in being absolutely apalled by him. It's horrible to see him turning into a man I can't stand to be around. This is just the latest in a series of things he's done.

More story: it's me who is driving this. It came as a total shock to him when I first raised that our marriage was in trouble many months ago.

He won't leave the house. In fact when I told him I needed some space, me and DD did some sleepovers at friends houses. When I asked him if he'd do the same one night per week (not even with DD) he refused and said why should he ... I'm the one who needs space. He's not going anywhere.

I see lots of people saying don't leave the house... Why is that critical?

I'm thinking of taking a 6 month rental somewhere just to get some space before deciding. Is this a bad idea?

I'm afraid a lawyer is a luxury I can't really afford right now as much as I know i need one!!

OP posts:
LittleDoveLove · 25/04/2022 17:30

I would seek advice I am pretty sure the child is allowed to live in the house until they are 18 which means you too as mother and husband needs to contribute to that so the child has the same lifestyle they always had, getting him out may be the problem but I suspect he knows this and is why he is keen on you moving out. I would definitely seek legal advice before you move or do anything. That he has written a letter is a bit unnerving to me but I'm not legal just find that quite strange it's so formal. Best of luck OP.

Shmithecat2 · 25/04/2022 17:32

ShatteredReality · 25/04/2022 17:30

Thanks everyone.
It's a relief to see that I'm not alone in being absolutely apalled by him. It's horrible to see him turning into a man I can't stand to be around. This is just the latest in a series of things he's done.

More story: it's me who is driving this. It came as a total shock to him when I first raised that our marriage was in trouble many months ago.

He won't leave the house. In fact when I told him I needed some space, me and DD did some sleepovers at friends houses. When I asked him if he'd do the same one night per week (not even with DD) he refused and said why should he ... I'm the one who needs space. He's not going anywhere.

I see lots of people saying don't leave the house... Why is that critical?

I'm thinking of taking a 6 month rental somewhere just to get some space before deciding. Is this a bad idea?

I'm afraid a lawyer is a luxury I can't really afford right now as much as I know i need one!!

You'd be better off spending that 6 months rent on legal advice.

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