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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to charge me.... rent?

53 replies

ShatteredReality · 25/04/2022 15:40

I am in the middle of a "difficult patch" with my husband. I don't have definite answers yet, but my mind is currently on "we need to separate".

Right now though we are in limbo. I think I will soon be moving out to get some time and space and decide how to proceed.

We have been talking about our problems for about 6 months now. Long story short - he doesn't listen much.

Yesterday he abruptly asked me "when am I moving out" and then last night he sent me a long message saying that because we are now on the verge of separating, the current finances are "unfair" and he wants me to start contributing to the mortgages and utility bills. We have always split costs this way - he pays those and I pay nursery fees, food etc.

The number comes out at something close to £1,200 which is more than my part time wage (and he knows this).

I work part time because we have 1 DD together, he works full time and earns more than me anyway.

I can't help but think this is him punishing me - his letter says things like "because we no longer sleep in the same bed" etc.

I am completely at a loss how to respond to him - is he allowed to do this? The mortgages are in joint names, but I am not sure about the utilities etc.

Can anybody offer any advice?

OP posts:
LittleDoveLove · 25/04/2022 17:33

Citizen Advice can give legal advice for free and am sure there will be some charities available to seek advice from OP too. (Just read your last post)

supadupapupascupa · 25/04/2022 17:38

Op use the rent for legal advice. I would have thought there would be a way of paying their fees from your share of the estate at the end ..... but I don't know

heldinadream · 25/04/2022 17:45

supadupapupascupa · 25/04/2022 17:38

Op use the rent for legal advice. I would have thought there would be a way of paying their fees from your share of the estate at the end ..... but I don't know

I also think this is correct but I'm not up to date. But you MUST get a solicitor otherwise you could end up right royally fucked over. A solicitor could make sure YOU get the house to live in as long as your child needs to be housed. And that's also why you mustn't move out - you look as if you're willing to give up the rights to the house which makes his claim on it stronger.
PLEASE GET LEGAL ADVICE.

MintJulia · 25/04/2022 17:48

FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2022 15:47

Send him an invoice for childcare?

This.

work out how many hours you are unable to work because of caring responsibilities - including travel time - and invoice him for half.

Maurepas · 25/04/2022 17:54

As you have a child, the courts usually consider their needs for their home as the main priority until they are 18. So you and child would probably be allowed to stay in house until that time as it is child's home, and you would be entitled to at least 50%(?) of value of house but see a solicitor asap
. Do not move out.

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 17:57

Not taking a lawyer is a luxury you can’t take just now.

the reason why you are not supposed to leave your house is to ensure that you and your dcs have a house to live in. And to ensure that there is as little disruption to your dcs life as possible.

Please remember that just now the money you both have is shared.
Just find a lawyer and get some advice ASAP.
your DH isn’t going to go away nicely or easily. He is clearly ready to be a pain and you Need all the advice you can.

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2022 18:18

Sorry to be blunt but if you can afford to rent you can afford to take legal advice

daytriptovulcan · 25/04/2022 18:19

Sounds like the relationship is over. Get legal advice and divorce him. Perhaps he should move out and you stay in you home, with baby.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 25/04/2022 18:27

A solicitor is a necessity, not a luxury.

Work out a rough idea of what your joint marital equity is, divide that by half. Thats what you’re negotiating for. Invest in a solicitor to protect that money for yourself and your dd.

Adhdnewmedsnewproblems · 25/04/2022 18:28

A solicitor is really not a luxury. You're going to need one asap.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 25/04/2022 18:42

"Its this a bad idea?"

It is a VERY bad idea.

You started by asking for advice. The advice you are getting is :
DON'T leave the family home
DO see a solicitor

With that letter, your husband has already started legal manoueverings towards divorce that prove that (a) you don't contribute to the mortgage or the household bills and (b) you don't sleep together any more (necessary to prove the date on which your marriage broke down, if you refuse to consent to a divorce). He is not punishing you, he is preparing to divorce you, and fleece you, if he can.

If you move out, and if he can prove that you ceased paying for the upkeep of the house (mortgage, bills - that sort of thing) you stand to lose your interest in the marital home. A solicitor can explain this to you.

Many solicitors will provide a free up-front consultation where you explain your situation and they explain your legal options. Go for one of those.

As others have pointed out, if you can afford to rent a place for 6 months, you can afford a consultation with a solicitor. It is time to start taking this situation seriously and putting in the work to watch out for yourself financially.

2022calendar · 25/04/2022 18:51

to be fair to your husband it sounds like you are the one driving the separation in that you want to move out to have some clear space to think. Are you more keen to separate than he is? It sounds more like he is reciprocating with anger and unreasonable demands. Have you thought about going to seek some counselling together...not necessarily to get back together but to work out how you are going to separate amicably without putting your daughter in the middle of the dispute. Financially you are on wobbly ground if you are the lower earner
(hence why everyone is advising to stay in the marital home!) so even getting counselling by yourself might help you work out how you want to future to look, it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are living in a stressful situation where communication has broken down.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/04/2022 18:55

You're a married couple which means the law sees you as one unit. So of course you don't owe him money or have to pay in half. You can't do it anyway. And if the house is in joint names, it doesn't matter if you leave and go to live somewhere else with the DC. If you want to go for six months, that's not a problem. You'd be legally entitled to move back, but the dh would probably want to stop you!

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 19:19

@2022calendar at this stage, the OP needs a lawyer, not a counsellor.
A counsellor would have been a good idea 6 months ago when they started talking about where the marriage was viable or not.

2022calendar · 25/04/2022 19:31

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 19:19

@2022calendar at this stage, the OP needs a lawyer, not a counsellor.
A counsellor would have been a good idea 6 months ago when they started talking about where the marriage was viable or not.

counselling and lawyers aren't an either or choice and if you don't know what you actually want out of a separation and a future as a single parent, its worth taking time to think before you start paying through the nose for legal time. If you have a child with someone it's incredibly important to try and reduce the emotion otherwise you end up with endless battles over raising your child and a father has just as much right to a good relationship with the child as a mother does.

GettingItOutThere · 25/04/2022 19:57

do not move out

DO NOT

get legal advice tomorrow.

DO NOT MOVE OUT - a 6 month rental is a really really bad idea

AMindOfMyOwn · 25/04/2022 20:39

@2022calendar the OP and her DH have well passed that stage unfortunately.
Its not an issue of a counsellor or a lawyer.
Its just that, at this moment in time, the OP needs a lawyer.

Original poster
ShatteredReality · 26/04/2022 11:01

Thanks everybody.

Some really useful advice in here.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/04/2022 11:05

FourTeaFallOut · 25/04/2022 15:47

Send him an invoice for childcare?

Everything split 50/50 then apply for child support and UC as a single mum. He'll either have to start having DC more during the week, doing pick ups, drop offs, dinners, laundry etc having his days and nights doing everything for DC so you can work more or pay child support to cover the extra care you give DC so he can work full time.

Palaver1 · 22/05/2022 07:30

You cannot leave the house stick it out start divorce proceedings lawyers fees willl break you how will you’ve able to afford both places

keep your money for lawyers

Goawayangryman · 22/05/2022 08:19

You absolutely must get a lawyer. This man is not going to play nice. Don't let him shaft you. He is going to o, otherwise.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/01/2023 11:58

I would also say don't kid yourself anything is going to change in another 6 months.. You don't want to live with him for 6 months.. its over.

You make yourself in a very vunerable position leaving.. get legal advice as others have said.

urbanbuddha · 19/01/2023 12:18

Gingerbread has a list of organisations that can help with legal advice.

Don't move out and don't respond to him in any way that you wouldn't be happy to have read out in court.

Get legal advice asap and anticpate that mediation might be the next step.

urbanbuddha · 19/01/2023 12:22

Also Advice now as helpfully suggested by Mumsnet at the top of this page on my phone.

Nolosomi · 19/01/2023 12:36

You’ll need to find the money from somewhere for legal advice OP. You may lose a whole lot more in the long run if you don’t… there’s absolutely no way I’d leave my home without seeking legal advice, it’s madness.