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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Mediation to cover who has kids around cabin crew rota

80 replies

Jodiebrighton · 23/03/2022 21:28

So my ex has finally agreed to mediation. I need to prep on what to ask for as he wants 50/50. But I won't let him have the kids all the 15 days he isn't working as that means he gets them on all his days off. I could be working most the days I have them as I work full time.

He has confirmed he will bid for 3 day flights each month in this new job but there is no guarantee he will get these flights. If he does it will be 3 days out the country, 3 days back. But the first day back he lands in the morning so if this is a weekend, he flys through the night working and gets home around 8-9am. Not sure he could have the kids with no sleep. Before he would go to bed from 8-9 until about 12 or 1 pm.

Also His third day off, if his flights check in Time the next morning is before 9:30 am, then he can't use breakfast clubs as they wont be open, so the kids would have to stay with me the night before, making his third day off, my day to have the kids, as well as the next 3 days his flys. So In that 6 day period, it's 4 days me and 2 him. Should I be saying I want more custody and not 50/50. I work 40 hours a week and Can be there fore the kids 24/7. He will be on a plane 10-12 times a month at 10 hours a time meaning he is unreachable 100 hours of the month.

Do I just say I want full custody and we'll work his Rita around the kids. Otherwise a 3 day on off rota means they change houses 11 times a month and the patterns will be 2, 3 and 4 days all different each week. This doesn't take in to account plane delays etc.

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 24/03/2022 07:26

You might be better posting in legal OP. This thread is mainly for paid childcare; nannies/childminders/au pairs.

GahAndTheBear · 24/03/2022 07:31

I agree you’d be better off moving this - but to divorce/separation.

It should be driven by the children best interests and needs. Given the uncertainty around his shifts, it’s unlikely a court would think 50-50 was reasonable. Or close to it. They’re going to need stability with separation, and his job is not providing that.

He likely wants 50-50 because there’s no maintenance. But he’s only thinking about himself. Not the kids.

What could he realistically commit to for contact?

Footballsundays6777 · 24/03/2022 07:32

There isn’t really such thing as full custody OP, you could just agree it’s shared custody, that the days are agreed when his rota is released, that it is I dunno
Say 8 nights a month ( average 2 a week), but they don’t necessarily have to be equal days each week?

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 08:24

Sorry, how do I change the category and what does OP mean. New to all this

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 24/03/2022 08:31

Report your original post and ask for it to be moved to separation/ divorce.

MerryMarigold · 24/03/2022 08:33

OP is Original Poster. You need to report your post (the 3 dots in bottom right) and ask for category to be changed.

DPotter · 24/03/2022 08:34

report the thread - click the word REPORT in the blue header line where you see your name. and in the comments boxes ask for thread to be moved.

there are lots of abbreviations in use ; OP means original poster - that's you. think there's a list somewhere

Iknowitisheresomewhere · 24/03/2022 08:44

What should be the focus is what is best for the children. It sounds like childcare is going to be tricky for both of you.

It won’t be best for the children if a significant number of ‘his’ days fall on days he is out of the country. The options to avoid that are a) you working round his schedule or b) having a fixed schedule that he works round, that is designed for that to be possible.

How far away do you live from each other? Do the kids have clubs near one parent on a particular night? What are the arrangements for when each of you is working. What is his back up in case of flight delays?

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 08:58

Changing home 11 times a month with no fixed days is what he wants. That's not great for the children and any future routine.

We live ten mins from each other and there are school clubs but these won't cover him as he is out the country half the month.

Set days are best for the kids and then we work our free days around them. That's just not how he sees it. He wants them on his 15 days off or he threatened court and he'll get them full time with a nanny.

Hopefully mediation will make things clearer

OP posts:

GahAndTheBear · 24/03/2022 09:03

He can threaten court all he likes. He won’t ‘get’ them FT with a nanny.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about child arrangements?

You can make a case that you have stable working hours and are always based in one place. He cannot offer that stability. So the children should be with you most of the time. They’re entitled to quality, weekend and holiday time with both of you.

Can he arrange to have some set days off a month? He could put in a flexible working request to ensure that he can do EOW or one weekend a month. And then you can try to be flexible about days in the week if he’s not away.

Chloemol · 24/03/2022 09:10

If he wants 50/50 then suggest one week with you one with him. Then it’s up to him to sort childcare out if he has to work on those weeks, just as you have to on your weeks

endofthelinefinally · 24/03/2022 09:11

He obviously doesn't care about the children's needs. This is about controlling you. I think that would become clear in mediation.

GahAndTheBear · 24/03/2022 09:11

How is that in the children’s interests, if he’s literally not in the country regularly and they’re palmed off to a nanny?

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 09:13

Solicitor did say that just because he tells me when he is having the kids doesn't mean he will have them as it's not agreed. Yes I can offer 24/7 care, I live 7 mins from each school, I work at home 3 days a week and in the office 2 days which is 25 mins away and I can use after school clubs when I'm in the office.

There is a chance me and the kids could be forced to follow the rota to the T but and example from the first 5 weeks is I have them 22 days and I'm working full time 18 of those. He wants the other 17 days as they are all his days off. So I only get 4 days off to see the kids. On my working days I see them between 5-7 when I'm doing dinners, bath and bed. Not exactly quality time.

Apparently he can bid for trips and when the rota is out he can exchange days and flights with other crew. But this happens a week before the end of the month so it means me and the kids all work around his demanding rota.

It's just his demands to have the kids on all his days off or else, no matter what pattern or routine the kids have, it's not questioned.

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 24/03/2022 09:14

I wouldn't agree to 50/50 if you will end up doing most of it but not getting any child support. And I can't see a court agreeing to give him full residency with a nanny when the children have a mum who is providing a stable home and who wants her children with her!
I don't think you should try to work this out by yourself - you need a solicitor to be heavily involved because your ex sounds most self and unreasonable

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 09:22

I've had 2 hour long solicitor sessions and £240 an hour. I can't afford much more. But I'm worried about going ahead on my own and being told by a judge to suck it up while the ex gets everything he wants and me and the kids plan our time around this demanding rota. Can't believe he took the job 2 months after we split. That's the crazy thing. I need to look for a new career to earn more money as a single parent now but I'll be hampered by his rota. To me set days is the only way to go, what ever they may be. As it will be easier for the children to adapt and follow and know where they will be weeks and months down the line. I feel for them more than anything.

OP posts:

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 24/03/2022 09:22

Hi OP

We've moved it for you now.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 09:25

Thanks

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 24/03/2022 09:36

OK.
From my experience of working with lone parents...

Yes, a court will say work around his rota. There can't be set days because of his rota, if that changes weekly. So there's no point in remotely pushing this as that's unreasonable.

Likewise, just because on your time you work and he doesn't is irrelevant, as long as you have some quality time. 18/22 means that like most parents, you have two weekends contact equivalent when you're not working. And no different to if he had an every other weekend arrangement. I get that feels shit, but you have to look at this without the emotion.

If the pattern was as you 2 3 4 then that, in itself is a pattern and one that you can work to. I get it's not consistent each week, but when shift work is a part of the equation, it often isn't.

You don't need legal advice. If this goes to court you can self represent successfully. Don't stress about that. Often self representing produces better outcomes.

As for mediation.

Ask if possible based on the rota.
Before the mediation , try to work out the lapover days that require childcare and discuss both paying half on these days. Given both need it if he's not able to do every of these due to his work commitments as well.
Plot how the contact would be based on what he's said - request a copy of the rote - on a year calendar. Then put what you want on a second. Then a third with both to see lapover.
Insist that you receive the rota 4 weeks in advance if there will be constant changes and not a static pattern.

Good luck

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 09:46

It's just seems that's his rota and job control the kids and my life. There is no set pattern. 2/3/4 was on a pretend 3 on 3 off rota. He gets the rota every month on 23rd for the next month. It will change every month and me and the kids will not be able to plan more than 5 weeks ahead. I don't understand how he can demand 15 days with the kids which are he days off and that's that. Regardless of my life and the kids not getting a set routine and they spend 2-3 days a night at one house and then move. Again, not set for them and how would they ever settle.

I struggle to see how a rota for the kids who have to move constantly around is considered fair to them just so he can get half the month with the kids when he is not available to rest of the month. This job was his choice and he new he could control me and the kids with it while he gets to do his dream job. Sod the kids and what's best for them. And I'm not saying fair is seeing each parents half the month. He took a job with a 30% pay cut knowing it would take him out the country half the month

OP posts:

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 24/03/2022 10:04

What about proposing something like Sunday Monday Tuesday the kids are always with you. Then on Wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday they go to your ex if he’s available.
This puts the onus on him to bid for shifts that maximize his time with the kids. Your kids have some of their week set in stone so some stability there, but still plenty of scope to see their dad. You always get a weekend day with them.
This pattern can’t leave you with less than 50/50 because he works half the days in the month. Most of the time you will probably get more than 50% of the time.
Suggest child maintenance is calculated based on 60/40 (you 60%, him 40%).

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 24/03/2022 10:09

This are the sort of fixed days I would look for as it's best for the kids but he says it doesn't suit him and threatens court to get his own way.

Even with fixed days I would say if he would like to see the kids in a set of 4 or 5 days I have ty in then that's fine. We can change the odd day up. But with his monthly changing rota it's his suggestion or nothing

OP posts:

Whiskeypowers · 24/03/2022 10:39

Let a judge decide
11 moves a month between houses is not in the children’s best interests.
Sounds to me as though you will be forever chasing your tail and unless you have a court order in place he will en able to do what he wants.

ChoiceMummy · 24/03/2022 10:41

@Jodiebrighton

I think then try coming at it from a different angle. Look at holidays. Discuss how much he will have the children during school holidays and special occasions such as Mother's Day, your birthday etc, as that suspends usual contact patterns. So plot when you want them and how much he will have them. Make sure his are set, even if this means by saying he will have the first full week from Sunday in Easter and summer holidays for example, as these can easily be plotted onto future calendars. Then it is his responsibility to manage these dates. That in effect means that 13 weeks of the year are then out of the equation. So really then you only have approx 1.5 rotas per half term to have to work around. And again, add in the issues re the timings of his early flights etc, stating that you won't receive the children back in the early hours of the day as that's not healthy for them to be shunted around and lose out on sleep. Likewise, that he's expected to make arrangements for his contact days if wraparound is required. (or you do halving these costs on top of maintenance). Try to think out of the box.

ChoiceMummy · 24/03/2022 10:42

@Whiskeypowers

Let a judge decide 11 moves a month between houses is not in the children’s best interests. Sounds to me as though you will be forever chasing your tail and unless you have a court order in place he will en able to do what he wants.

Plenty of parents are awarded by courts arrangements that are 223which is 12 moves a month. So 11 moves isn't beyond realms of possibility.

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