Mediation to cover who has kids around cabin crew rota

[Jodiebrighton]

So my ex has finally agreed to mediation. I need to prep on what to ask for as he wants 50/50. But I won't let him have the kids all the 15 days he isn't working as that means he gets them on all his days off. I could be working most the days I have them as I work full time.

He has confirmed he will bid for 3 day flights each month in this new job but there is no guarantee he will get these flights. If he does it will be 3 days out the country, 3 days back. But the first day back he lands in the morning so if this is a weekend, he flys through the night working and gets home around 8-9am. Not sure he could have the kids with no sleep. Before he would go to bed from 8-9 until about 12 or 1 pm.

Also His third day off, if his flights check in Time the next morning is before 9:30 am, then he can't use breakfast clubs as they wont be open, so the kids would have to stay with me the night before, making his third day off, my day to have the kids, as well as the next 3 days his flys. So In that 6 day period, it's 4 days me and 2 him. Should I be saying I want more custody and not 50/50. I work 40 hours a week and Can be there fore the kids 24/7. He will be on a plane 10-12 times a month at 10 hours a time meaning he is unreachable 100 hours of the month.

Do I just say I want full custody and we'll work his Rita around the kids. Otherwise a 3 day on off rota means they change houses 11 times a month and the patterns will be 2, 3 and 4 days all different each week. This doesn't take in to account plane delays etc.

I'd suggest something like half the school holidays (he will need to take annual leave to cover his half)
and then every other week Friday school pick up to Monday school drop off when he's available.
That puts the responsibility on him to swap his rota around to ensure he is free on his weekends, and you can always offer to swap weekends with him if he can't get one off.
You could also offer a flexible weeknight collect from school and drop to school the next morning whenever he has a day off mid week.

That would probably end up being around 60:40 to you rather than 50:50.
But, it would give both of you equal weekends and school holidays, a bit of flexibility to work around his rota but also some set days and predictability for the children.

You need to be insistent that the DC need non-school time with you. So that 2 weekends per month (or monthly rota period) need to be with you but you can flex which 2 weekends that is around his rota to minimise the amount of his non-working days it would be on.

Also if he went for them FT with a nanny then you can ask the court for right if first refusal which means you get the DC instead of the nanny. If he has them FT then you could agree and say you want fixed contact of 50:50 EOW and additional overnights - how could he then argue against that? He will not get FT and refuse you having fixed contact agreed but court so it's a hollow threat.

If he's cabin crew then would he realistically be able to employ a full time nanny? He'd need someone to do 24 hours days and overnights so probably a salary of £40k.
That doesn't sound like a realistic plan for a single parent unless he is a very high earner?

The job pays under 24k and he gave up one paying 30% more on the trains. He did this a month before ending things so it all looks pre planned.

I'll put together as many suggestions as possible to go to mediation with. I just feel me and the kids bending to his every changing rota with a weeks notice every month doesn't benefit anyone except him and it's in no way in the kids best interest. Yes he gets the kids half the month but he knew what came with them job. He loves to travel and is only thinking of himself and not the kids as they won't be able to settle with all the inconsistency.

So his threat of having them full time with a nanny is laughable then?

I'd be tempted to agree to him having them full time and then request eow and the 2 nights you work from home as a regular contact schedule.

If he's working shifts there can't really be set times. An amicable and flexible arrangement where you're willing to work with his job, which presumably he's had for a while, is crucial. It's always a problem when the children don't get what they need because the parents won't be flexible and it becomes a stubborn competition.

@Nelliephant1

If he's working shifts there can't really be set times. An amicable and flexible arrangement where you're willing to work with his job, which presumably he's had for a while, is crucial. It's always a problem when the children don't get what they need because the parents won't be flexible and it becomes a stubborn competition.

OP clearly says its a new job. Why should she and the children work round his crazy new schedule? What if the OP gets a new job with shifts that aren't really compatible with being a single parent too?

Is this BA that he's going to be working for? Just to be aware BA crew can express a preference (bid) for days off and trips but don't always get them especially if they are bidding for popular things like weekends off.

So I would suggest 'his' days with the kids are during the week as he's got more chance of achieving those. Depending on what fleet he's on, 3 day trips are also popular as earn more if there's night stops and there's less commuting from home.

@ChoiceMummy
Plenty of parents are awarded by courts arrangements that are 223which is 12 moves a month. So 11 moves isn't beyond realms of possibility.

Not at the expense of no weekend and free time for one parent and not knowing from one month to the next where the children will be which days of the week

I think you just need to iterate that you having 2 weekends a month with the DC and x school holidays per year (tie in with your annual leave) is fair and reasonable and a court would support that.

If you are flexible on which 2 weekends per month/4 week rota period are yours then you are being very fair and maximising the time he can have with the DC when they aren't at school.

Not wanting to contradict other posters but based on people I know I don't think it is guaranteed you would have to work round his rota. It's about what's best for the kids. I imagine it could be quite confusing and disruptive if the children's days chop and change. It might make it difficult to do homework and clubs if their books and kit are not at the right house. There's also a high chance of your ex not being available at short notice because his flight is delayed. That's not providing stability for the kids and it's also making it hard for you to plan. I think the suggestion that you have them sun/Mon/Tues and he has them the other days if he is free is a good one. It gives them plenty of time together but also gives everyone some certainty and stability.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

What about proposing something like Sunday Monday Tuesday the kids are always with you. Then on Wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday they go to your ex if he’s available. This puts the onus on him to bid for shifts that maximize his time with the kids. Your kids have some of their week set in stone so some stability there, but still plenty of scope to see their dad. You always get a weekend day with them. This pattern can’t leave you with less than 50/50 because he works half the days in the month. Most of the time you will probably get more than 50% of the time. Suggest child maintenance is calculated based on 60/40 (you 60%, him 40%).

That seems reasonable. You could additionally suggest that he only has them when he has at least two consecutive nights to have them, which should reduce the swapping back and forth. If he only has one night then he sees them for tea only. (Though as you live close by going back and forth shouldn't be that disruptive.)

My sister is crew - much higher up the scale pay wise than your ex dp, but she makes it work with her ex. To be fair, she is part time and has been since the children came along. Could he manage on part time wages?
A nanny would be costly, but an au pair less so.
How old are the children? There are lots of single parents out there that fly and make it work.

@Nelliephant1

If he's working shifts there can't really be set times. An amicable and flexible arrangement where you're willing to work with his job, which presumably he's had for a while, is crucial. It's always a problem when the children don't get what they need because the parents won't be flexible and it becomes a stubborn competition.

Applied for it a month before ending things and only started it last week.

@thelastgreatdynasty

My sister is crew - much higher up the scale pay wise than your ex dp, but she makes it work with her ex. To be fair, she is part time and has been since the children came along. Could he manage on part time wages? A nanny would be costly, but an au pair less so. How old are the children? There are lots of single parents out there that fly and make it work.

Yeah I have a friend who's partner does it part time. She takes a week off after a 3 day break from a flight so has 10 days off in a row each month. But the difference being she has a partner and can afford part time.

Can you sit down, no lawyers making demands or making it about money and say simply, what is best for the kids?

Is his motive for more days with them due to child maintenance, if so take that off the table, make it about the childrens well being. Switching back and forth is the reality of divorced parents so that won't be a driver in a judges decision, it's whether you can be flexible to enable to set each months timetable once he gets his rota. And he should be flexible if you have things that need to be planned further ahead.

Child custody should not be about child maintenance but the current system means it's a driver

Yes, I wonder if he's trying to get out of maintenance. Good luck op, I've been there trying to sort out custody and it's draining. I hope you can find something that works for all of you.

I don't know how old your DC are. My DGC have this sort of arrangement, working around their dad's rotas. They are ten now and are absolutely fed up with effectively having two homes. They shuffle with their stuff between the two at random times. They just want one home with visits to see dad. They say they are unsettled. They want to live with mum. It's affecting the MH of one of them, but of course, he wants his rightful access which it his way or no way and makes sure it's as inconvenient as possible. The children and their needs come first and many of these shared custody arrangements are storing up a mental health time bomb, in my opinion. Stick out for what you AND your DC want.

@Wishingthreestonesaway

I don't know how old your DC are. My DGC have this sort of arrangement, working around their dad's rotas. They are ten now and are absolutely fed up with effectively having two homes. They shuffle with their stuff between the two at random times. They just want one home with visits to see dad. They say they are unsettled. They want to live with mum. It's affecting the MH of one of them, but of course, he wants his rightful access which it his way or no way and makes sure it's as inconvenient as possible. The children and their needs come first and many of these shared custody arrangements are storing up a mental health time bomb, in my opinion. Stick out for what you AND your DC want.

They are 4 and 8. It's makes me worry so much about having a 4 year old walking about with a rota showing where she is staying the next 4 weeks before getting a new rota. And every 2-3 nights packing up and getting ready to move to the second home.

@gogohm

Can you sit down, no lawyers making demands or making it about money and say simply, what is best for the kids?

Is his motive for more days with them due to child maintenance, if so take that off the table, make it about the childrens well being. Switching back and forth is the reality of divorced parents so that won't be a driver in a judges decision, it's whether you can be flexible to enable to set each months timetable once he gets his rota. And he should be flexible if you have things that need to be planned further ahead.

Child custody should not be about child maintenance but the current system means it's a driver

His one demand was he had them in his days off and that's that. Or court to force me and the kids to do that or he'll take them from me and have them full time

'And he'll get full custody and a nanny'. Hahahahaha. Please get him to put that in writing and in front of the mediator and court as presumably he thinks leaving the children with not-a-parent would be better than the person with whom his preference is to leave them but on a semmingly random schedule.

Set out a reasonable starting position for negotiation. If you can manage work then perhaps EoW where this coincides with his shifts so you can plan work and can rely on maintenance and if he is keen on contact, you might be flexible for a ad hoc days. Let him set out his risable position and respond with the work difficulties that will result then mediator and court if he ignores his advice.

Good luck.

Hopefully the mediator and court will see the substance of his proposal that he wants the control and to dictate your working life in the guise of contact/paying no maintenance.

His one demand was he had them in his days off and that's that. Or court to force me and the kids to do that or he'll take them from me and have them full time

those aren't the entirety of the options so don't let him shape your thinking. They are just the options where he controls you and pays no CM.

He's not the boss.

I would definitely want a concrete schedule in place. The dc need to know where they are each week. They need to be able to make plans as do you.

You are no longer together. Your life doesn't bend to his demands anymore.

Suggest to him that you feel a calling to a cabin crew job yourself, and will be applying soon for whatever jobs come up. You will expect him to work around whatever rota you get assigned on the 23ed of every given month.