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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Mediation to cover who has kids around cabin crew rota

80 replies

Jodiebrighton · 23/03/2022 21:28

So my ex has finally agreed to mediation. I need to prep on what to ask for as he wants 50/50. But I won't let him have the kids all the 15 days he isn't working as that means he gets them on all his days off. I could be working most the days I have them as I work full time.

He has confirmed he will bid for 3 day flights each month in this new job but there is no guarantee he will get these flights. If he does it will be 3 days out the country, 3 days back. But the first day back he lands in the morning so if this is a weekend, he flys through the night working and gets home around 8-9am. Not sure he could have the kids with no sleep. Before he would go to bed from 8-9 until about 12 or 1 pm.

Also His third day off, if his flights check in Time the next morning is before 9:30 am, then he can't use breakfast clubs as they wont be open, so the kids would have to stay with me the night before, making his third day off, my day to have the kids, as well as the next 3 days his flys. So In that 6 day period, it's 4 days me and 2 him. Should I be saying I want more custody and not 50/50. I work 40 hours a week and Can be there fore the kids 24/7. He will be on a plane 10-12 times a month at 10 hours a time meaning he is unreachable 100 hours of the month.

Do I just say I want full custody and we'll work his Rita around the kids. Otherwise a 3 day on off rota means they change houses 11 times a month and the patterns will be 2, 3 and 4 days all different each week. This doesn't take in to account plane delays etc.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 24/03/2022 15:19

A reminder that you could possibly get a guardian ad litem appointed to represent the children, @Wishingthreestoneaway.

If there are tangible negative consequences to the arrangements your GC are for es to live with, these should be documented, and the court can be petitioned to change the arrangement or for a GaL to investigate and advocate for the children. It's hard to get an initial order changed, but it can sometimes be done.

cherryonthecakes · 24/03/2022 16:23

He's not thinking ahead. Always being at work or having kids isn't going to last long. When will he go out with friends, date or do boring errands? When will he catch up on sleep?

There are kids who do a change over every 2/3/4 days so I'm not sure that's a legitimate complaint (although ime kids will complain later)

I think you should start with each parent having EOW. You need non school time with the kids too. If he's working then they should stay with you but it would focus his mind on trying to keep EOW free. You should both get 2 whole weeks at the summer (so you can go on holiday) and suggest alternate or 50/50 at half term with him taking annual leave to cover.

Aside from that a fixed schedule is an unreasonable (although understandable) expectation imo. Does he agree to taking them to parties and clubs? I've read on here about a surprising number of local parents not taking them because it's "their" time.

ChoiceMummy · 24/03/2022 18:01

[quote Whiskeypowers]@ChoiceMummy
Plenty of parents are awarded by courts arrangements that are 223which is 12 moves a month. So 11 moves isn't beyond realms of possibility.

Not at the expense of no weekend and free time for one parent and not knowing from one month to the next where the children will be which days of the week[/quote]
But she has already stated she will have weekends - 4 out of the 22 will be quality time days, which extrapolated are her weekends.

endofthelinefinally · 25/03/2022 08:32

I think that when reality hits he will decide he can't be bothered. Clearly he is a selfish, self centred man.
How is he going to take the children away from you and have them full time? In practical terms? He is enjoying winding you up.
Can you talk to your dc's head teacher about the negative effects of unpredictable, frequent changes of location? The might put something in writing for you.

RandomMess · 25/03/2022 08:55

I believe he is just trying to bully you into agreeing he can have them as and when he wants etc.

His threat of having them full time with a nanny is a completely empty one, it is truly laugh out loud with his salary.

I would be using phrases such as "court would not agree that is in the best interests of the DC given the alternatives I have offered"

Zilla1 · 25/03/2022 09:11

@RandomMess indeed. Unless he's cabin crew for a private luxury airline, if he raises this option in mediation then just wonder aloud about the salary of a nanny and the pre-tax salary that would required to pay this then make a note to ask about hidden income.

Was he always a fantasist and/or controlling fool, OP?

RandomMess · 25/03/2022 09:24

I do wonder if he mentioned the FT residency with him again you could say that it does have an appeal to you as you would be free to advance/change career, move away and have all your evenings free although you think that would be upsetting and not best for the DC.

So many controlling partners change tactic when it's pointed out to them you could go off foot loose and free especially to start dating again or you know enjoy child free time!

Imagine full time childcare on tap with a nanny and you only have to pay CMS level rates! Utter bargain

cherryonthecakes · 25/03/2022 09:57

@RandomMess

So many controlling partners change tactic when it's pointed out to them you could go off foot loose and free especially to start dating again or you know enjoy child free time!

Imagine full time childcare on tap with a nanny and you only have to pay CMS level rates! Utter bargain

I think he'll quickly find a woman to deal with the childcare. No way is his plan workable on a salary of £24k a year.

Let him take you to court. He will not get sole custody and you will sound very reasonable when you start off with both parents having 50% of school holidays and weekends and wanting long stretches (less changes) in summer etc so you can go away, visit extended family etc

Hopefully he will get advice and realise how little CM is compared to childcare so he'll come around to a more 60/40 sort of thinking.

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 15:55

Have you tried meditation? I'm going through it now and although stressful and not cheap way better and cheaper than going to court

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 26/03/2022 16:54

He has agreed to mediation now. Is court expensive if you represent yourself?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/03/2022 17:25

I told think court fees are that much tbh. You look them, they are free if on a very low income/eligible for certain benefits.

Remember what is agreed in mediation is not legally binding.

MrsBertBibby · 26/03/2022 18:21

Court is free if you self represent, and if it is him applying, he will pay the Court fee.

I'm a family solicitor, OP.

He can demand equal shared care all he likes, it simply is not feasible with his choice of job. Stick to your guns. You can be as flexible as you like with his availability, but ultimately you need fixed principles : every other weekend is yours (and he doesn't get to pinch them just because he got them off). If he can't commit to the other weekends, then he must tell you in advance so you can cover. Weekdays are default with you, but you'll commit to a specified minimum for him, provided adequate notice given.

You can call it shared care to smooth his feathers, shared care is not the same as 50:50, it's a very common order these days.

Quartz2208 · 26/03/2022 18:27

I suspect that he has agreed to mediation because he may well have received legal advice that what he was asking for is fairly ridiculous.

I agree with MrsBertBibby show willingness to be flexible within certain parameters - specifically EOW - and he doesnt take yours but you are available to take his.

In fact pretty much go with MrsBB!

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 27/03/2022 13:29

Thanks all. The replies on here seem to be 70% 80% infighter of this not working for the kids and me and the kids moving forward. I will go with both is us having EOW and then mediation to discuss the days but ultimately it seems like it will end up me with 60-70% with the kids. I'll wait for his first rota so we can take that to the joint mediation session and show how inconsistent it is for the kids.

I already suggested I be out as main point of contact for the kids as he will be out the country and he said no he is not happy about that. Even though he will be out the country half the month.

Question, my son plays a football match on sundays. Can I go and watch him just for the game on a Sunday if it isn't my weekend?

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 27/03/2022 13:37

Yes you can go, although if your son ends up going to you more than his dad, it might be wise to refrain.

Maybe one for the mediator.

RandomMess · 27/03/2022 13:38

Of course you can go watch your son play Footie every week just has your ex can.

It doesn't need to be EOW - just 2 weekends out of four, perhaps you can state the first weekend of the month is always your plus one other that can flex around his rota. That gives consistency and ability to plan weekends away etc.

FusionChefGeoff · 27/03/2022 17:32

You've had some great advice here - and I hope I can hear an important change in your belief in yourself.

I'm guessing this Prince has been a controlling and ego driven wanker for some time and you are now, after time, conditioned to believe he's right / be subservient to his wishes / doubt yourself.

This however is bullshit of the highest order.

In order for you to reach a decent compromise, you must go in fully believing that you are in the right. Have it very clear in your mind ( and I'd suggest written down) position A: extremely in favour of you; position B: a reasonable compromise you'd be thrilled with c: the worst compromise you're willing to accept.

Then do NOT give any more than that and have 100% conviction that anything beyond that is indeed madness and him asking or pushing for it shows him to be the selfish self centred twat that he is.

FusionChefGeoff · 27/03/2022 17:33

In fact, I'd suggest posting your preferred option A, B and C here so people who have more experience of this but who aren't under his 'spell' can let you know if you're setting your bar high enough.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 27/03/2022 18:30

I will do this shortly and yes there has been some great advice
I'm happy to provide updates for future examples people can refer to.

I still worry but I'm more comfortable than I was before.

OP posts:

JustOneMoreNameChange · 28/03/2022 11:03

I think it's really useful to make anything you say at mediation practical and free from emotion as possible.

For example, it's essential that the children are with me on X days so that they can get to (then insert whatever club, school etc that only you can reliably take them to).

You could say that the children need stability of knowing which house they are at on which days. You could refer to having a parent available to support with homework etc. You can ask about equal weekend a school holidays time with each parent. Make sure birthdays are times they can see both parents. Make sure your birthday and mother's day are with you, his birthday and father's day with him. Specify how any religious or cultural holidays will be split.

Refer to continuity and stability of childcare, continuity and stability in their housing. Put everything forward from the perspective of what is best for them.

Cheekyonetoo · 28/03/2022 11:09

@Chloemol

If he wants 50/50 then suggest one week with you one with him. Then it’s up to him to sort childcare out if he has to work on those weeks, just as you have to on your weeks

I agree, I would request this. Way more settling for you and he has to sort his rota to make it best fit or use his family/nanny if away. Don't be a mug.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 30/03/2022 15:48

@Jodiebrighton

I already suggested I be out as main point of contact for the kids as he will be out the country and he said no he is not happy about that. Even though he will be out the country half the month.

Question, my son plays a football match on sundays. Can I go and watch him just for the game on a Sunday if it isn't my weekend?

I mean, you can go, but in my experience it can be confusing and unsettling for the child, and can undermine the other parent's contact (e.g. if they spend the entire match coming over to you moaning about the other parent or trying to play you off against one another). For a one-off special event like a Christmas concert it's fine, but actually if there is football every weekend I would not turn up at every match on ex's contact time. If ex feels you're encroaching on his time or undermining his parenting he may stop taking your child to football.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 03/05/2022 14:29

Hi, thought I would update on this. We did mediation and that didn't help at the time. Suddenly that eve he could do 5/2 days with the kids in his favour but he couldn't switch it 2/5 to me a month later. I said this doesn't work for the kids. Next day he said he can do 2/5 switch the second month but he wants to pick his days. I said this doesn't work for the kids. He said he can't do a 4/3 split so I can take him to court. I offered a 4/3 split alternating every 4 weeks on as a final suggestion on Friday and he agreed. We will source our own child care.

Turns out he has had a new partner since 10 days after he broke up the family. Turns out he wasn't staying on a friends sofa. This new person can help him with his childcare now.

Still living together but he stays out half the week. Mortgage app going through to buy him out so hopefully it's over soon.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I feel this is the best rota for the kids even if it's not the best for us. One month I get all the weekends, the next I don't get any. That was his suggestion.

OP posts:

BadNomad · 03/05/2022 14:43

Good luck to his new partner lol. She's going from having a part-time roommate to being a lone childminder.

Zilla1 · 03/05/2022 16:07

Hi OP thank you for the update. The whole situation must be frustrating for you but I hope it works. I don't envy his new partner. He'll have to think on his feet when that relationship ends.

Good luck.

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