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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband incensed at 50/50 idea

61 replies

jorisbonsun · 16/03/2022 06:51

Hi I just need a perspective on my husbands position and how he might be thinking.

Married 6 yrs and children. Both agreed to split (he has been horrible, lying about money and affair etc) I know that doesn't come into financial decision. Will have some sort of shared care arrangement.

I've paid about 25% bills since we moved in together. Both brought same amount into marriage. I had long mat leave, went part time, now retraining and also do some freelance work.

He was a massive earner after our marriage, but it's all been put into loads of different investments and accounts.

He's furious that I have even suggested a 50/50 split as start point. He tried to give me a lump sum. I saw a sol who said this seemed like nothing in grand scheme. He's still mad and wants me out of house. Im staying put, asking for full financial disclosure then getting more legal advice with view to agreed financial order hopefully. I know it needs to get sealed etc. I want out from his dodgy ways and businesses. I don't have lots of cash for a solicitor in meantime.

He's making me question myself as if I want to grab all his money? The whole thing just makes me feel ill tbh I just want a secure home. Can anyone give a view on all this. Thanks

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 16/03/2022 07:01

My gut instinct is to not go 50/50 as he clearly won’t keep up with and my non legal mind is concerned you would be at a financial disadvantage.

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/03/2022 07:04

Look at it this way op. If you hadn't been around, and he'd have had to care for his kids, would he still have been able to build his business or further his career. You having maternity leave, being a sahp and then going part time, has enabled him to earn as much as he has done. Without you that wouldn't have been possible, as he wouldn't have been able to put the hours in or have had to pay a nanny or childcare. He would also have had to run his own household and done the life admin.

Just because you haven't physically paid money into the accounts, doesn't mean you haven't been contributing

Go grey rock and deal with him via your solicitor. If you can I'd also recommend a forensic accountant as he'll be hiding money left right and centre at the moment

Dancingbea · 16/03/2022 07:07

Why wouldn’t you ask 50/50? You came into the marriage with the same amount, it’s a joint effort especially when there are children involved. Plus you’ve not been the one who has behaved appallingly.

Smartiepants79 · 16/03/2022 07:08

I think she means 50/50 financials not child care.
I’m afraid I don’t really know anything helpful but I would have thought that it’s at least a good starting point.

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2022 07:12

50/50 will be a minimum starting point so stick to your guns

The key is at the start of your marriage you had the same. You then took the brunt of childcare so he progressed.

The main goal will be to get you a secure home so it could indeed be more

Stay in the house and continue with legal afvice

Unmumsymofo · 16/03/2022 07:12

Absolutely do not let him bully you out of your home and fight for every penny you are entitled to. It might be worth more than 50/50 given you are the lower earner and financially dependant to a degree with small children to support for a good many years yet. Solicitors are expensive but a good solicitor will pay for themselves. I would make it clear to stbxh that 50/50 is fair and a minimum you will be seeking

LoganberryJam · 16/03/2022 07:13

50/50 is the right starting point. You may be entitled to more. Don't engage with his anger, just keep telling him it's best to leave it to your solicitors.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/03/2022 07:14

You are doing the right thing. Get full financial disclosure then take your solicitors advice.

He is not your friend and he would not care if you ended up homeless. His opinion counts for nothing

beingsunny · 16/03/2022 07:16

As a PP said, yes to a forensic accountant!
If he's this enraged he will be doing all he can to hide any money he can.

It will cost more but pay for itself in the long run

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/03/2022 07:16

50/50 is the start point. A court might think you should ha e a higher share.
Please make sure you have good legal advice. Some solicitors will take fees from eventually settlement- ask yours.

Is he really going to do half the childcare?

Your H is trying to intimidate you but you need to stand firm for your children's sake.
Please find yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer (it may be that yours is one) and find out where you stand .

Good luck x

Magdalena543 · 16/03/2022 07:16

You sacrificed your career when your children were young and you enabled his to flourish. You also put your body through pregnancy and childbirth and all the associated risks that didn't affect him. Your contribution is at least equal to his financial one. Don't let him bully you into receiving less than you are due. Ask around for a good family solicitor.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 16/03/2022 07:16

@Dancingbea

Why wouldn’t you ask 50/50? You came into the marriage with the same amount, it’s a joint effort especially when there are children involved. Plus you’ve not been the one who has behaved appallingly.
Sorry 50/50 money. Yes, that’s the least your entitled to. Don’t forget pensions.
TheVanguardSix · 16/03/2022 07:17

He may be fuming, but 50-50 is the starting point in divorce proceedings. That's where the courts start. You could even get 60% to his 40%.
He can be pissed off all he wants but if he were smart, he'd just get on board with that ratio because you BOTH need to house and provide for the children.

If I were you, I'd start listening to the SmartDivorce podcast (this has been my education among others!). It's all about finances and it's brilliant.
Wherever the money is, it all must be disclosed in what is called a Form E. He can't avoid disclosing where all the bodies are buried.
Everything that is in your financial pot: investments, pensions, cars, house, all of it will be thrown into the pot and divided 50/50 or perhaps even a bit more in your favour. It's hard to say. But what won't happen is your husband will get 70% and you get 30%... not in a month of Sundays would the courts put your children into such a scenario.
I would pay for a consultation with a good barrister rather than do a free consultation with a solicitor. Message me if you're interested and I'll suggest a couple of them.
Also... do NOT accept any lump sum from him. Let the courts look at all of those investments/assets- the pension can be HUGE for some people and can be the biggest asset of all. So don't let him throw you some crumbs when there's a whole loaf to be shared.

ToastieSnowy · 16/03/2022 07:18

Staying in the house in a wide decision, don’t let him bully you out. It will be tough but you can get through this. As everyone says 50/50 is the starting point, you were a team where he built his career and relied on you to do everything else so he could.

waltzingparrot · 16/03/2022 07:18

Make sure you include pensions too.

Ivyonafence · 16/03/2022 07:20

What he feels about it isn't really relevant anymore.

You're going your separate ways and you have entitlements under law.

He can fume all he likes. You're single now, you need to look out for yourself.

This could be a really liberating moment for you as you realise that he is no longer your concern.

ToastieSnowy · 16/03/2022 07:22

Further down the line make sure the financials are sorted before the absolute is granted. Once you’re divorced you will not have any claim on his pension or any assets in his name only (and vice versa). It sounds like your solicitor is on the ball so shouldn’t be an issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2022 07:23

You are absolutely and utterly entitled to at least 50% of your joint assets.

Do not let him tell you otherwise.

One of my favourite moments was watching my exes face drop when he realised what his getting a blow job off his nurse in his car was going to cost him.

If you think he's going to play dirty, maybe be submissive whilst you gather every single shred of evidence you can in case he tries to lie on the disclosure forms.

Your solicitor fees can come out of your 50/50 pot.

BunnyRuddington · 16/03/2022 07:24

Further down the line make sure the financials are sorted before the absolute is granted. Once you’re divorced you will not have any claim on his pension or any assets in his name only (and vice versa). It sounds like your solicitor is on the ball so shouldn’t be an issue

This with bells on.

Why would you feel guilty? You deserve at least 50/50. It's not just for you it's to provide a home for his DC.

ToastieSnowy · 16/03/2022 07:27

Take copies of the business paperwork before they suddenly disappear.

DameCelia · 16/03/2022 07:28

50 / 50 is a starting point

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2022 07:29

And, if he is outraged at 50/50, it just shows how little he valued your contribution and confirms what an utter misogynistic sexist wanker he is and why you're right to divorce him.
If he is a high earner, and you're not, and you have the dc more of the time, you may well be entitled to spousal maintenance too (before anyone jumps in that this isn't granted any more - I got it, similar circs, last year).

carefullycourageous · 16/03/2022 07:31

You should not discuss this with him, just say 'the solicitors will sort it out' and leave him to stew.

Youa re not being unreasonable to want to protect your interests. He shoudl not have got married if he did not want the prospect of costs at divorce.

millymolls · 16/03/2022 07:43

Your not automatically entitled to at least 50%
You are entitled to a fair share
They could be more but could also be less than 50% if joint assets
It’s a relatively short marriage but there are young children - housing them will be priority
You’ll be expected to work full time and maximise your own earnings too
A lawyer can advise you

Original poster
jorisbonsun · 16/03/2022 08:01

Thanks everyone for the replies, it's a lonely time with tension seething in the house.

H (not D) just has such a misogynistic attitude I'm losing the remnants of respect I had for him.

Form E is complex for him, his work is high risk high return and there are assets but also debts and until it's gone through not certain what is there. Forensic accountant may be needed but of course £££

In meantime splitting house bills here and I'm doing more work and budgeting like mad. Trying shared care to actually enable me to do that but in long term I'm not sure he can step up.

I want clean break but not ruling anything out.

Irony of it all is I'm not materialistic and like a simple life, don't need nice car etc- but he's turning me into a suspicious and mistrusting person wanting all I am entitled to. Because I'll put into a secure house and then life within our means. I have kept my career well afloat but not been able to step it right up due to all caring and house commitments.

He's going to get a shock when nobody is doing all the grunt work for him.

Thanks again. I might need to check in for a sanity boost from time to time

OP posts:
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