Divorcing and annoyed about losing equity

[Mumof3confused]

Just coming in here to vent a bit. I was quite smart with my property investments in my 20’s and ended up bailing out my H when he found himself in negative equity after the 2007 crash. We married in 2011 and when we bought a house, put in about £200k into the deposit. Of course I never envisaged us splitting but we now have about £900k equity thanks to me working my socks off to fund a £260k extension on our house (he also works FT so it’s not a case of Stay at hime parent to allow me to further my career).

Just a bit pissed off that he takes half of the equity when he’s been riding on my coattails for the duration of our marriage. I know that’s what he’s entitled to but right now that feels unfair because I’d love to keep the house for the sake of the children’s stability but won’t be able to with this amount of equity. And we only have the equity because I sorted the bloody extension which he didn’t even have anything to do with, none of the planning, stress or financing - nothing.

That should have said I put the £200K deposit down.

I completely understand where you're coming from op. I've been in your shoes and it hurts, A LOT! To make matters worse, I've done it twice

Oh no @GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

Sadly, we live in a very affluent area so £450k, although it’s a lot of money, barely buys you a 2-bed flat next to the railway track and we have 3 DC’s. They put up with a lot while we did the extension and love their rooms and the house which I designed around our life and needs, and I want them to be able to walk to school but I won’t be able to afford anything around here on my own.

What will the future childcare arrangement be ? If you have the children in a high proportion I think you would get a higher percentage
Also in this instance where he hasn't helped further your career doesn't he see the unfairness and would settle for less ?

@shortdays

What will the future childcare arrangement be ? If you have the children in a high proportion I think you would get a higher percentage Also in this instance where he hasn't helped further your career doesn't he see the unfairness and would settle for less ?

They both have children. They both have the same housing needs. A bigger share will go to whoever needs more equity to buy a home. If they both work FT in comparable jobs then things will tip towards a 50:50 split.

Would he leave his share in the house until the youngest is 18, or anything like that, so the kids can grow up in the house ?

I know it sucks. I have been there 5 years out and doing loads better.

Unfortunately, legally, you didn't finance the extension. You both did. Wether you technically kept your finances apart and you were more responsible. The money and assets are shared.

And the reason I won't be getting married again.

I can only suggest you try and let it go. Easier said than done. Choices you made in the past, can't be changed and getting pissed off about it is only damaging you.

You've been the driving force, but he has contributed to the household expenses. He would probably argue that your joint income has allowed the house and improvements to be paid for and you've been a partnership through this time. The only way around this would have been ringfencing your original £200k in a prenup.

I would be furious too in your position. But it's the marital home is regarded as joint property even though ond person paid for most of it. Ridiculous!

Does he have a private pension that you’re entitled to ?
You could take less pension for more equity if he’s agreeable.

Future childcare - I will likely collect them every day after school/be here when they get home and evenings/weekends shared 50:50.

We’ve both paid 50:50 bills, mortgage, food etc and I’ve saved up for the build separately through running a business alongside my regular job.

He doesn’t have savings and clearly, he does also need to house himself and children. I’m just annoyed that he had nothing, in fact he was in negative equity and I bailed him out, and he’s about to walk away with 50% of the funds I came into the relationship with as well as reap the rewards of all my hard work. I know those savings built up during the marriage and everything that came before is legally considered joint but he has not contributed to any of it in reality and it grates on me.

He does have a pension and it’s generous but I don’t know how to go about having that valued or the likely split, as it’s a final salary pension. He still needs to house himself.

I realise I’m just going to have to get over it, just here to vent about the unfairness of it all. He is generally quite passive whereas I am resourceful and the driving force, something I am annoyed about in general and one of the reasons I’m choosing to go. I won’t get married again and I will make sure my children get prenups signed, even though they are not legally binding I think it would be a good idea in hindsight.

Do you have pension? Savings?

Picking them up from school won't really count as having them more, if nights are shared

I would also guess that's pretty unworkable long term.

I think you need reframe this. Instead of looking at how unfair it is, realise these were your choices. You had some power in the situation. Its not work out, but you aren't just a victim of the situation.

You can build everything up again

We own a flat which we rent out and that was considered my ‘pension’. No savings as I plunged it all into the build.

Re collecting kids, he gets home from work around 6-6.30pm whereas I work from home so I can’t think where else the kids would go after school or who else would ferry them to clubs etc. It makes total sense for them to still come home to me as they do now?

I’m not a victim and of course I can build it all up again but I don’t see myself having much in terms of spare time or funds to invest as a single mum.

Final salary pensions tend to have high values. I definitley would get someone to give you a proper cetv to figure out what it's worth.

Is there any chance he could of have the flat/pension. You keep the house and plough cash into your own pension.

I hear you OP. I left my husband this year and I'm looking to divorce him. Throughout our married life he squandered his money (mostly on himself) whereas I contributed well to a good company pension scheme. Mine is now worth about £450K and his is around £90K. It grates that it will all be put in a pot and split

Oh @Sausagedogsarethebest that is infuriating!!

@womaninatightspot yes that would be the ideal scenario and what I hope to do. I think having his pension valued will be difficult but I’m hoping that we can come to this type of agreement because that means he could hopefully get himself a flat with the equity from the rental property and I may still have to give him some money but hopefully something achievable.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? This would make me feel really sick. Wouldn't you think he'd have more dignity than to claim half now?

Yeah obviously get his pension valued - and a solicitor might tell you it's worth fighting for more of the money since you put more in

You might keep the house if he gets your flat and his pension 🤷‍♀️😁

@Mumof3confused definitely get his pension valued! That goes in to pot with all assets to split… a final salary one will be worth a lot

I can sympathise with you. I'm in a similar situation & understand your need to vent. It's shit & really annoying.

My ex spent years draining every spare penny I had then gets to take a chunk of what I had worked hard for. To add insult to injury the reason for us divorcing was him cheating on me!

Definitely a mistake I won't ever be making again!

@HollowTalk no I haven’t yet, but I will do in the new year. It’s just I’ve no way of knowing any details of his pension without asking him outright so I know I won’t have clarity about that part which I believe will be an important factor. I don’t know if he’s want to be dignified about it all, I’d say he will most likely freak out about having to be/cope on his own as he’s always looked to me to manage everything, including his finances and tax returns and always seems to struggle financially even though he earns a decent salary and also claims child benefit in his name.

@LaurieFairyCake hope so!

@Passmealargewine oh Jesus! Sounds like you will be much better of without him in the end.

Negotiate OP - my pension was a millstone when we split.

I had contributed to the max was final salary and omg - I was fecked if he went for half.

WE finally agreed - he kept his pension, I kept mine neither touched the other.
I kept the house and DCs ( his new DP was a gem!) and I paid him 10% more than his share of the house, paid inot his pension and agreed not to touch his overseas ( home country) house.

Having been mortgage fee this hit me hard but 10 yrs down - I am in a better place still than him and free.

Interesting where we got to, from where we started with him being driven by greed fuelled by his new DP. Roll on 5 yrs after we split, he had split with his then DP - who was trying to take him to the cleaners. I took him to my financial adviser and lawyer and he was shocked at what I had achieved but also grateful to good advice.

Get his pension(s?) in the pot! An actuary will sort it out.. that fee can be taken from the pot..so you dont have to find the cash. It all counts... or suggest he gets flat snd keeps his pension.. please say you have a good solicitor..!!