Divorcing and annoyed about losing equity

[Mumof3confused]

Just coming in here to vent a bit. I was quite smart with my property investments in my 20’s and ended up bailing out my H when he found himself in negative equity after the 2007 crash. We married in 2011 and when we bought a house, put in about £200k into the deposit. Of course I never envisaged us splitting but we now have about £900k equity thanks to me working my socks off to fund a £260k extension on our house (he also works FT so it’s not a case of Stay at hime parent to allow me to further my career).

Just a bit pissed off that he takes half of the equity when he’s been riding on my coattails for the duration of our marriage. I know that’s what he’s entitled to but right now that feels unfair because I’d love to keep the house for the sake of the children’s stability but won’t be able to with this amount of equity. And we only have the equity because I sorted the bloody extension which he didn’t even have anything to do with, none of the planning, stress or financing - nothing.

Everything goes into the post, houses, savings, debts and pensions. The starting point is 50/50. Final salary pensions tend to be quite high, and as part of the divorce he will be required to give you documentation from the pension company as to what it's worth.

@FutureExH yes that’s true about nurseries but for us, since we had 3 children, a nanny worked out cheaper. I totally agree re the ‘she/he contributed’ when in fact they chose to do what they did with their time but it often doesn’t mean that they contributed at all. My business has been successful but that’s largely because I chose to work instead of watch TV or scroll social media in the evenings. My husband chose to read or play sport, nothing wrong with that but he didn’t contribute to our shared wealth or equity in any way. In fact, I believe my life will in many ways be much more simple without him in the picture.

Re: mortgage. Yes. I had to go through the formal process.

In terms of the law it doesn’t matter if he contributed financially or not. Use some of your equity to get yourself a shit hot lawyer and the best settlement you can.

@CrimbleCrumble1 of course that’s where my energy will go once I’m at the point of getting everything valued etc. I’m just venting as I’m frustrated about doing everything around here for him then to reap the rewards.

For example today he’s off work and I am working from home. He told me this afternoon that he’s left some food prep for me to do for tomorrow (we are having guests), and oh could I also cook dinner for the kids and take them for a walk since they hadn’t been out today. He needed to relax before going out to meet a friend to play some sport later. Meanwhile I’m being emailed more work to deal with. Absolutely infuriating.

@Totalwasteofpaper

Get yourself a good lawyer and get negotiating!!!

If he has a decent pension I wouldnt be looking at 50/50 as a start point. At all.
If you will be primary carer your need for accommodation is greater than his.

Eg 2 bed flat = fine for him, you will need a minimum 3 bed

If the children are spending 50/50 nights with each parent, and DH gets the Child Benefit (OP has stated that he does) there is a real risk that he will be seen as the primary Carer.

Something OP needs to know.

@HirplesWithHaggis he has claimed the child benefit the entire time we’ve had children. It’s pretty much the only ‘responsibility’ he has had, I do virtually all other admin. Is this going to be held against me in the future? We have not yet separated, does that make a difference? I will move it to my name ASAP if so.

Please don’t just rely on the CETV of his pension. You should get an actuary to do the proper offsetting calculation. Yes, it will be expensive but it could make the difference to you keeping the house.

A CETV is a snapshot. Some are calculated as if the policyholder retired on the calculation day, so if the holder has many more years to contribute the true value could be much higher.

[quote Mumof3confused]@HirplesWithHaggis he has claimed the child benefit the entire time we’ve had children. It’s pretty much the only ‘responsibility’ he has had, I do virtually all other admin. Is this going to be held against me in the future? We have not yet separated, does that make a difference? I will move it to my name ASAP if so.[/quote]
I'm not a lawyer and don't have personal experience, so please do check this with someone more knowledgeable.

But it is my understanding that Child Maintenance Service calculate maintenance by the number of nights per year spent with each parent (not how many waking hours are spent, or who does all the admin, feeding and laundering) and when this is 50/50 the Resident Parent is the one who gets the Child Benefit.

Anecdotally, this is what I was told when working on the Census over twenty years ago and encountered just such a situation. ("Non resident" dad was understandably furious!)

Also anecdotally, I've seen many MN threads over the years when a cocklodging sahd has had to be very carefully divorced because he gets the CB and is main Carer.

So I just thought it's something you should check out in your own situation. If you can get the CB transferred to you without alerting him there's something going on, I think it would be a good idea.

[quote Mumof3confused]@FutureExH yes that’s true about nurseries but for us, since we had 3 children, a nanny worked out cheaper. I totally agree re the ‘she/he contributed’ when in fact they chose to do what they did with their time but it often doesn’t mean that they contributed at all. My business has been successful but that’s largely because I chose to work instead of watch TV or scroll social media in the evenings. My husband chose to read or play sport, nothing wrong with that but he didn’t contribute to our shared wealth or equity in any way. In fact, I believe my life will in many ways be much more simple without him in the picture.[/quote]
Likewise. I just hope I only have to give her what was accrued in the past and not the future. If she gets awarded spousal maintenance I'm going to quit my job and take something easier and lower paid. I'm not busting a gut in a job I hate just to give a lazy scrounger an income.

@HirplesWithHaggis thank you I will definitely look into this further and try to move it. I think it also gives me pension credits which I didn’t realise when I was on maternity leave x 3. I actually am angry that he did nothing flat this, most likely he didn’t realise but surely it would have been flagged somewhere when he claimed it. Yet another example of how inept he is.

It covers NI payments on Mat Leave, yes.

Nowhere seems to flag these things.
I didn't realise I could pay into a pension while not working.
I didn't realise the implications of being the child benefit claimant until several years in so it was lucky that I was the one claiming it.
I wouldn't fault your DH for not knowing about these things.

I will never marry again after my divorce!

I got totally screwed over - exh also threw away all his money while married even though we earned the same. When we split up, he took redundancy and then claimed he wasn't earning to get a higher split of assets. It was a nightmare and I will never forget it. I had to remortgage the house to buy him out to keep my kids lives stable.

What I will say is

1. You haven't seen a solicitor yet so it may not be as clear cut as you think. E.g your inheritance that you put in may be more protected than you think
2. Someone once said to me that bitterness is one of the worst emotions to let yourself suffer from . They were right. Without him as a burden round your neck, you will go from strength to strength.

@oviraptor21 when you go on to the child benefit website it says at the very top ‘who should claim? And then info about pensions. So it will have been something he came across when he looked into claiming it initially. As a one off it’s not a big deal big it’s just one of many examples of how inept he is.

@TroubleAndStrife1I don’t have an inheritance and nor does he but I get your point. Can’t wait to get rid now.

it’s just one of many examples of how inept he is.

He's the primary caregiver. You will move to 50/50 shared care. he will get 50% of assets.

I will move it to my name ASAP if so.

That will be very difficult to do that without his agreement.

@lilly7221w I’m not sure what makes you say he’s the primary caregiver. He never has, or will be. Sure, he’s entitled to 50:50 of everything. I wouldn’t deprive him of any of what he’s due. Ultimately I’m the more resourceful one but I would like to keep the house for the sake of the children. Hopefully he will also see the sense in that.

@CorrBlimeyGG luckily I organise all of our tax affairs and finances. I can easily tell him it makes sense for it to be moved to my name. Like I said he is clueless.

I can't believe all the posters saying this is unfair and that they would be "furious".

The man works FT and has contributed to the marriage financially and in other aspects. Maybe his contribution was not to the satisfaction of the OP but that is irrelevant. He deserves his fair share of the assets as does the OP.

If this were a man complaining that he has paid for everything and he didn't see why he should have to give up all his assets to a SAH wife, precisely no-one would be telling him it was unfair. In fact, women are encouraged to take men to the "cleaners" and not to move in with men without getting their names on the deeds to houses to which they've not contributed.

You were “smart” making money by investing in property in your twenties?? No, you were lucky in a rising market.

Your husband didn’t plan the 2007 global property crash either.

You both worked full time. You ended up earning more. Possibly you just worked harder, possibly you are “smarter” or possibly you were luckier. I don’t know you so I don’t know.

But from reading your post, it leaves quite a nasty taste in my mouth how you can’t see how much of your financial success and his financial failure may be down to luck, good for you, bad for him.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I can't believe all the posters saying this is unfair and that they would be "furious".

The man works FT and has contributed to the marriage financially and in other aspects. Maybe his contribution was not to the satisfaction of the OP but that is irrelevant. He deserves his fair share of the assets as does the OP.

If this were a man complaining that he has paid for everything and he didn't see why he should have to give up all his assets to a SAH wife, precisely no-one would be telling him it was unfair. In fact, women are encouraged to take men to the "cleaners" and not to move in with men without getting their names on the deeds to houses to which they've not contributed.

This

The hypocrisy on here is hilarious

He does deserve his fair share, and he will get that. He’s the father of my children so I’m not about to throw him out onto the street. He’s not a SAH husband though. We both work full time (I never took maternity leave with any of my children because we couldn’t afford it on his salary alone) and on top of that I’ve dealt with all admin, finances, DIY, cooking…basically all of the mental load while he feigns ignorance. On Mumsnet women are often encouraged to LTB in that scenario. Well, here I am doing just that. And wishing I’d thought about a prenup.

@Thirtytimesround No, it wasn’t the rising market. I had a sideline refurbishing run down properties. My husband didn’t plan the crash but also the point is, I didn’t have to rescue him. Most of my success has been down to hard graft, getting a second degree while working full time and putting in many many late nights to get it off the ground. When we got together he was in a job he hated but I supported him financially for many months while he went for a career change. I’d say he was pretty lucky to have met me, yes.

[quote Mumof3confused]@oviraptor21 when you go on to the child benefit website it says at the very top ‘who should claim? And then info about pensions. So it will have been something he came across when he looked into claiming it initially. As a one off it’s not a big deal big it’s just one of many examples of how inept he is.

@TroubleAndStrife1I don’t have an inheritance and nor does he but I get your point. Can’t wait to get rid now.[/quote]
That information is relatively recent. Nothing was online when I first claimed CB(!) do I'm not sure exactly when it appeared but may be the same time as the high income tax charge?

[quote Mumof3confused]@HollowTalk no I haven’t yet, but I will do in the new year. It’s just I’ve no way of knowing any details of his pension without asking him outright so I know I won’t have clarity about that part which I believe will be an important factor. I don’t know if he’s want to be dignified about it all, I’d say he will most likely freak out about having to be/cope on his own as he’s always looked to me to manage everything, including his finances and tax returns and always seems to struggle financially even though he earns a decent salary and also claims child benefit in his name.

@LaurieFairyCake hope so![/quote]
There are companies that do pension valuations for divorce. It can be a huge part of the matrimonial assets.

Do take legal advice as early as you can.

When I got divorced I got back the £10k I put in as deposit, it was ringfenced by my solicitor as I could prove it was from an inheritance by my grandparents.