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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorcing and annoyed about losing equity

129 replies

Mumof3confused · 23/12/2021 09:53

Just coming in here to vent a bit. I was quite smart with my property investments in my 20’s and ended up bailing out my H when he found himself in negative equity after the 2007 crash. We married in 2011 and when we bought a house, put in about £200k into the deposit. Of course I never envisaged us splitting but we now have about £900k equity thanks to me working my socks off to fund a £260k extension on our house (he also works FT so it’s not a case of Stay at hime parent to allow me to further my career).

Just a bit pissed off that he takes half of the equity when he’s been riding on my coattails for the duration of our marriage. I know that’s what he’s entitled to but right now that feels unfair because I’d love to keep the house for the sake of the children’s stability but won’t be able to with this amount of equity. And we only have the equity because I sorted the bloody extension which he didn’t even have anything to do with, none of the planning, stress or financing - nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3confused · 24/12/2021 06:22

That makes sense. I’m pretty sure it was online by the time we had out first.

OP posts:
crummyusername · 24/12/2021 07:35

Not RTFT but he can ask for a valuation report from his pension provider. This will include all the details inc an overall valuation figure. You may then need to commission an actuarial report - your solicitor should be able to advise on that. There’s a good free online guide, I’ll link

crummyusername · 24/12/2021 07:36

www.advicenow.org.uk/pensions

crummyusername · 24/12/2021 07:47

Also you should speak to a mortgage broker to see what your borrowing potential is, if you want to try to buy him out. If your game plan is to stay in the house a few years then sell up when kids are older you could look at a long term (like 25-30 years) or even interest only to help with affordability… obviously this has significant risks (especially with interest rates rising) so be very careful

Crazykatie · 24/12/2021 07:50

The divorce laws are even handed usually the man is the high earner and the woman is living on his coat tails (your words), all you can do now is get the best deal you can and don’t spend too much on lawyers.

Try to agree rather than fight over everything, get it wrapped up and move on.

Turmerictolly · 24/12/2021 08:41

If you earn over £50K (income from the flat may be included?)), then be careful with claiming child benefit. You'll need to add it to your tax return and pay some or all of it back depending on how much you earn over £50k.

shortdays · 25/12/2021 07:02

@Turmerictolly

If you earn over £50K (income from the flat may be included?)), then be careful with claiming child benefit. You'll need to add it to your tax return and pay some or all of it back depending on how much you earn over £50k.
Was about to say the same - it's your combined amount that is the limit for child benefit so is he actually able to claim in the first place - if he hasn't been paying it back if over the limit already as sometimes it makes sense to do that then that will need to be paid back for the years it has been received.
Indoctro · 25/12/2021 07:04

The joys of being married. Often it's the man who gets screwed over. This time it's the woman. Such is married life I'm afraid.

forcedfun · 25/12/2021 07:24

Perhaps one way to make your peace with it is the fact that hopefully, ultimately, the property he gains from the divorce will be a decent inheritance for your children. I know that's how DH made his peace with things when he discovered his ex had withheld the higher property valuations (my advice, always get your own!)

Also, in the shorter term at least it should mean the children have two proper homes, whereas divorce for many children can mean inadequate /unstable housing. (Or, for me, skipping meals so I could pay the mortgage on my own!)

CJat10 · 25/12/2021 07:57

Divorce never feels fair. Plenty of men over the years have railed at a system that awards women custody of the children, the house and a healthy maintenance.

E.g. Financially savvy, motivated, worked and good parent....OH is bored when children are at school and has an affair...and leaves never having to work again with a lovely home for the children? Fair ?
The worker is condemned to work really hard for the rest of their life and lives in poorer housing only seeing children eow.

Women have benefitted from this for years. The tide is turning. I hope this brings about change to make divorce equitable, less confrontational and improves relationships between men and women in marriage. Each partner should consider their personal financial responsibilities and accept they are either being supported or supporting and come to terms with that during the marriage. Contract ends when marriage ends and again each partner should consider how they will survive financially and not expect their old agreement (marriage) to finance their future.

You obviously have to consider children and the impact of bringing up children on a career but as many couples prove you can both have careers. If you collectively choose for one to stay at home then accept they will be compensated if the marriage dissolves.

(I am a woman btw...and was the worker in this scenario so I feel your pain)

CJat10 · 25/12/2021 07:59

Obviously many other scenarios where either sex is a complete nasty person but divorce isn't about settling scores or blame. I don't believe in karma either. You just have to move on and find your own happiness

oviraptor21 · 25/12/2021 08:23

@Indoctro

The joys of being married. Often it's the man who gets screwed over. This time it's the woman. Such is married life I'm afraid.
It's a form of contract .... if you get married then you should expect to have to abide by the terms of it. As women on the whole are the ones who sacrifice their earning potential when children are involved then no, the man does not get 'screwed over' except in a very small minority of cases.
Original poster
Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 11:15

I don’t think I’m being screwed over, just venting really about how annoying it all is. If I could walk away with the lot I wouldn’t anyway. I want my children to have a happy home with him also, and I want to be able to look them as well as him/family in the eye when I see them.

It’s just his general passiveness and the fact I didn’t think to get a prenup signed.

As for the child benefit conundrum, if either parent earns £50k or more you begin to have to pay some back. Doesn’t matter which one of you it is that claims.

OP posts:
DSGR · 25/12/2021 11:20

Always a bit shocked by these threads. Because in the vast majority of cases it’s women who’ve been the low earners and nobody bats an eyelid when they are getting half the house

Original poster
Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 13:02

@DSGR

Always a bit shocked by these threads. Because in the vast majority of cases it’s women who’ve been the low earners and nobody bats an eyelid when they are getting half the house
I think it’s fair enough if the other partner has taken a career break or backseat for the sake of looking after children or furthering partner’s career, especially if this means they have less earning power or ability to finance a life after divorce. When you both work and one partner is the driving force, and the other one sits back or even fritters their money away while the other partner saves and invests (particularly if this was money earned or inherited before they met), I don’t think the other person should necessarily expect to get half of everything.
OP posts:
forcedfun · 25/12/2021 13:20

@Mumof3confused I agree. And I would get some decent legal advice before assuming the courts wouldn't agree too

chopc · 25/12/2021 16:23

Playing Devil's advocate, this is the position a lot of men find themselves in when going through a divorce

CrimbleCrumble1 · 25/12/2021 18:12

If you’re so savvy with money did you protect the 200k you put into the property?

smurfsss · 25/12/2021 18:42

@chopc

Playing Devil's advocate, this is the position a lot of men find themselves in when going through a divorce

100% this. For years and years and years this has been happening to men. And the reason was because "Women stayed at home to look after the children and gave up their careers" which is total bullshit.

Not nice when the shoe is on the other foot is it!

Original poster
Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 19:00

@smurfsss and @chopc I don’t think it’s fair the other way around either. I’d be embarrassed if I married a man and expected him to provide for me while I spent my time on social media.

@CrimbleCrumble1 well, I didn’t think there was any risk I’d end up divorced (who does). And in any case, they are not legally binding in the U.K.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 19:01

(As in, prenups are not legally binding)

OP posts:
forcedfun · 25/12/2021 19:22

"And the reason was because "Women stayed at home to look after the children and gave up their careers" which is total bullshit."

But surely that absolutely was the reason in a lot of cases? I mean I out earn my exH, but I am lucky that working laws and practices had moved on and allowed me a long maternity leave etc. Historically though it was far harder for women to keep a career going.

Original poster
Mumof3confused · 25/12/2021 19:51

@forcedfun

"And the reason was because "Women stayed at home to look after the children and gave up their careers" which is total bullshit."

But surely that absolutely was the reason in a lot of cases? I mean I out earn my exH, but I am lucky that working laws and practices had moved on and allowed me a long maternity leave etc. Historically though it was far harder for women to keep a career going.

Lots of people do have this arrangement and I think it’s completely fair when that has been the joint decision between partners. Sometimes it’s not possible for both partners to have a high powered career and children, or they jointly decide that it’s the best thing for the family if one stays at home. The rules are there to protect these partners. But sometimes the other partner is work shy and does not need to be at home but doesn’t make any effort to get (or keep) a job.
OP posts:
forcedfun · 25/12/2021 19:57

@Mumof3confused I totally agree. I think different approaches are needed. And I think those would be relevant considerations for a court in fact.

RB68 · 25/12/2021 20:10

yes get advice and also try and be aware to where he might have savings as yours was used up on the extension etc

Be aware of other assets he has such as watches, tech, cars, bikes etc as sometimes they can be worth significant monies.

Think about what you have...a friend of mine her ex cashed everything in and took out loans against them and the money kind of "disappeared" but evidencing it has been hard. I am hoping it comes back to bite him in th bum as he pushed it too far and didn't declare a 1/4 mil pension pot - oh I forgot about that one!!!!