Final Financial Agreement - provision for kids if they stay in further education?

[mrsh1807]

Hi there

Divorced and trying to agree final financial agreement. Ex keen to stop paying once kids finish 6th form however I’m concerned that if they want stay in education he should contribute - as he would have done if we were still married.

Has anyone successfully done this? Any tips?

Have 3 kids aged 11, 14 and 17. Ex semi-estranged from eldest.

I’ll lose child benefit and tax credits plus child maintenance so I won’t be able to support them alone if they stay in education.

Would hate their life choices to be dictated by ex refusing to help but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks

Their entitlement to student finance will be higher given your lower income - and they may be entitled to additional bursaries etc from each Uni. If you were still married the loan available might have been lower and the way it is calculated takes no account of your outgoings so your (joint) ability to top up the loan might be limited.

They will not be the only students to have to rely on student finance, their life chances will be just the same as any other student in similar circumstances.

Thanks for that, I do need to look into funding etc to see what may be out there.

I am keen to hear from anyone who has managed to make agreement with their ex to secure their support for children after 6th form, or am I being wildly naive and optimistic??

Thanks
Sam

No, I didn't manage to. Mine has taken the view that as soon as he doesn't have to pay maintenance, he won't be paying it - despite the fact that I'm having to provide a home for them when they're back from Uni (which is quite a lot!).

I do have friends whose more reasonable/responsible/honourable exes have continued to provide some support after 6th form.

If yours is the sort who does put the children first then you have a fighting chance. If he's like mine then not a hope in hell, sadly.

As above, it's probable that yours will qualify for the maximum maintenance loan, so they should be able to support themselves fine at Uni.

My solicitor asked me at what stage she should put in the consent order that the maintenance would stop, either end of further education, or higher,. I said further ie college, but if you think your child is likely to attend uni then say higher, if your ex won't sign then it will go to court and the judge will decide.

It's not just the student being able to live off their student loan that single parents need to consider, its the cost of putting a roof over their head when they are home (which like the previous poster said, has been a helluva lot over the past 18 months). Not so bad if the other parent has them to stay there for half the time, but that's very often not the case. Much as I love my son my electric, water and food bill sky rockets when he's home .

@Cloverforever

My solicitor asked me at what stage she should put in the consent order that the maintenance would stop, either end of further education, or higher,. I said further ie college, but if you think your child is likely to attend uni then say higher, if your ex won't sign then it will go to court and the judge will decide.

It's not just the student being able to live off their student loan that single parents need to consider, its the cost of putting a roof over their head when they are home (which like the previous poster said, has been a helluva lot over the past 18 months). Not so bad if the other parent has them to stay there for half the time, but that's very often not the case. Much as I love my son my electric, water and food bill sky rockets when he's home .

That's the reality. Mine are with me most of the time when at home, so I bear most of the costs, with him paying nothing towards it once they're 18. It stinks, but there isn't anything I can do about it.

I hope you get some joy, OP.

But surely at 18 the father could give the money to the child and not the RP.

Why should a NRP have to facilitate the home for an adult? Seems bonkers to me

@Rebornagain

But surely at 18 the father could give the money to the child and not the RP.

Why should a NRP have to facilitate the home for an adult? Seems bonkers to me

Re your last paragraph, 1 because the Nrp is as much responsible for their child's welfare as the resident parent and 2 because parents usually want the best for their kids and support them in their study, not to cast them adrift the minute they hit 18.

Thanks and you’ve summarised my concerns!

Why should the NRP stop paying for their child and leave it all on the often lower paid single mum to bear the costs? They’d still be contributing if the family were still together.

Just trying to figure out how to word it and what to expect. Thinking a continuation of the child maintenance until each child is able to support themselves financially whether that’s 18 or 22 if they stay in education….

^^ and where do they go in the Uni holidays? They still need to come home!

Also, my eldest has really struggled with her MH in the last few years, I don't want to chuck her out because she's 18, I want her to have security if she needs to come home to whilst she is learning to become and adult.

The last couple of years has been really odd for them with lockdown etc, they haven't had the usual transition to adulthood that they might have otherwise had.

Father knows all this, but as he doesn't have to stump up anything, he won't.

Not sure if this helps you, @mrsh1807, but be prepared that it's not easy to get maintenance for them once they are out of 6th form,.

@Cloverforever you don’t address the question about why the NRP can’t support their adult child directly without involving the RP? Or will your response be that an 18 year old isn’t capable of looking after themselves which is the response usually played out by their mothers when they want to keep being paid to mother their own children well into adulthood.

I’m going against the grain here but this thread is full of women who think they have a god given right to be paid by their ex forever! Where are your own morals and self respect? Work for yourselves and earn your own money, using adult children, capable of working, is a very poor excuse.

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I’m going against the grain here but this thread is full of women who think they have a god given right to be paid by their ex forever! Where are your own morals and self respect? Work for yourselves and earn your own money, using adult children, capable of working, is a very poor excuse.

Wow. I already work, thank you. If X hadn't left he would be at home and we'd be jointly supporting our children. However, he's left, and he's left it to me to support them. I'm certainly not going to throw said child out when she's not at Uni. She needs a home here too until she is independent.

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I’m going against the grain here but this thread is full of women who think they have a god given right to be paid by their ex forever! Where are your own morals and self respect? Work for yourselves and earn your own money, using adult children, capable of working, is a very poor excuse.

Wow. Not a god given right to be paid by my ex forever. Just looking out to ensure that my children, also his children, receive the support they need and would have had from us jointly had we not divorced.

What is wrong with that? Why does the NRP, the ex husband, have a god given right to abandon his responsibilities because a specific birthday has passed?

You're entitled to your opinion, but frankly I find it deeply insulting. I do work, as many hours as I can right now bearing in mind the ages of my children. My ex doesn't have to consider that or pay anything towards childcare as I have done it all whilst working.

If my children choose not to proceed with further education and get a job so they can contribute towards the costs of feeding and housing them, great, I wouldn't expect him to pay for that child. If however they do go on with their studies, why should I bear the full costs to support them without his contribution?

All I want if for their father to maintain his responsibility for his children as he would have done if we were still together. That is not about lacking morals or self respect.

@comfortablyfrumpy

Not sure if this helps you, *@mrsh1807*, but be prepared that it's not easy to get maintenance for them once they are out of 6th form,.

No, I don't expect it will be, but have to try......

[quote DreadingChristmasAlready]@Cloverforever you don’t address the question about why the NRP can’t support their adult child directly without involving the RP? Or will your response be that an 18 year old isn’t capable of looking after themselves which is the response usually played out by their mothers when they want to keep being paid to mother their own children well into adulthood.[/quote]
I am looking to secure that he will pay, whether to me or OUR child is irrelevant. So long as OUR children get the support required to pursue their studies, if that is what they decide to, from both parents rather than the burden falling entirely on the parent they live with (i.e. me) is not an unreasonable expectation.

You seem extraordinarily bitter about mothers and their children.

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I’m going against the grain here but this thread is full of women who think they have a god given right to be paid by their ex forever! Where are your own morals and self respect? Work for yourselves and earn your own money, using adult children, capable of working, is a very poor excuse.

Or the PARENT could help the child ?

@DreadingChristmasAlready

I’m going against the grain here but this thread is full of women who think they have a god given right to be paid by their ex forever! Where are your own morals and self respect? Work for yourselves and earn your own money, using adult children, capable of working, is a very poor excuse.

You ok hun?

@poorbuthappy

Fine thanks for asking.

To all the angry people, I didn't suggest that the father shouldn't pay towards their child's higher education, I'm simply asking why he can't pay direct to the child and why it's such a big issue that the mother is paid? Surely it's just another excuse to want to squeeze ever penny out of a father for many many years after the child maintenance has stopped. OP's post even states that child maintenance stops, of course it does, they're not children anymore. When a child becomes capable of supporting themselves, why does the mother need to be paid for them? The father can continue to help the child directly but mummy doesn't get to hold the purse forever.

[quote DreadingChristmasAlready]@poorbuthappy

Fine thanks for asking.

To all the angry people, I didn't suggest that the father shouldn't pay towards their child's higher education, I'm simply asking why he can't pay direct to the child and why it's such a big issue that the mother is paid? Surely it's just another excuse to want to squeeze ever penny out of a father for many many years after the child maintenance has stopped. OP's post even states that child maintenance stops, of course it does, they're not children anymore. When a child becomes capable of supporting themselves, why does the mother need to be paid for them? The father can continue to help the child directly but mummy doesn't get to hold the purse forever.[/quote]
I'm asking for advice on how to best secure my children financially if they continue their studies. That is all.

I feel you are turning this into something it is not. Thanks for your input.

OP as for feeling bitter - yes I probably am. DH's ex will be paid for their children for very many years after they become adults, and it's not child maintenance, it's spousal. She won't even move on in life and marry her long term partner because her money would stop! I'd be willing to bet the minute the maintenance stops (as decreed by court) she'll marry the new sucker! Before everyone starts banging on about spousal only being allowed for the wealthy, that is total nonsense. My DH is far from wealthy with earnings below the national average.

You all avoid the question. Why can't the child be paid directly?

@DreadingChristmasAlready

You all avoid the question. Why can't the child be paid directly?

Because the RP will still face costs during university holidays Several people have explained this

Unless you expect the RP to start charging rent when the DC is home from uni, and sub let the room during term time..?

We included a clause that maintenance continues until tertiary education (first degree) is complete. However, it was a mostly amicable divorce and we both prioritised the best interests of the children.
For the angry poster, I always worked an prior to the children we were in similar roles and similar pay. Post children I went pt and took a significant hit on career and salary so absolutely he should be contributing. We’re reasonable people though and reviewed salary changes yearly to take into account any maintenance requirements.

Also, children continued 50/50 while at uni so we agreed that contributions went directly to the child/young adult

@SW1amp

I’m just offering a different opinion. Mumsnet is predominately women with the same opinion and when you come from a different perspective you get flamed.

If a child is mostly at uni and being supported by both parents why should the NRP pay the RP extra for when they’re home particularly if they split their time between homes? As for when they’re not home, surely those costs are down to the individual home owners/renters not the father of a child who isn’t even there?