Final Financial Agreement - provision for kids if they stay in further education?

[mrsh1807]

Hi there

Divorced and trying to agree final financial agreement. Ex keen to stop paying once kids finish 6th form however I’m concerned that if they want stay in education he should contribute - as he would have done if we were still married.

Has anyone successfully done this? Any tips?

Have 3 kids aged 11, 14 and 17. Ex semi-estranged from eldest.

I’ll lose child benefit and tax credits plus child maintenance so I won’t be able to support them alone if they stay in education.

Would hate their life choices to be dictated by ex refusing to help but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks

I wish I had done something like this when I divorced. My ex wanted to stop any maintenance as soon as son was 16 [ ex left school at 16, did him no harm?? ] I said, apart from anything else, education has to continue until 18. He relented after seeing a solicitor [ could have saved himself some money and googled it ]
As soon as son did his last A level, all maintenance stopped. He refused any extra help. I suggested paying son direct, and he refused as son is now an adult and he no longer has to contribute as he is no longer his responsibility!! He has never paid a penny since.

I have always worked, still do, though low paid jobs, so it was really hard to just lose this money, son still lived at home so it was still costing the same, but with less money.

Child maintenance is payable until the child turns 20 if they stay in full time education (or is it here in Wales anyway)

@HidingFromDD

We included a clause that maintenance continues until tertiary education (first degree) is complete. However, it was a mostly amicable divorce and we both prioritised the best interests of the children. For the angry poster, I always worked an prior to the children we were in similar roles and similar pay. Post children I went pt and took a significant hit on career and salary so absolutely he should be contributing. We’re reasonable people though and reviewed salary changes yearly to take into account any maintenance requirements.

Also, children continued 50/50 while at uni so we agreed that contributions went directly to the child/young adult

Thanks for this, that is what I'm looking to achieve.

We have been mostly amicable (until recently) so in case things get worse I don't want to be left relying on his good will which may evaporate.

Actually, that might only be if they're still doing A-levels rather than a degree. Its not entirely clear to me if a degree is "equivalent"

@DreadingChristmasAlready

You all avoid the question. Why can't the child be paid directly?

I've answered this - happy for ex to pay either child or me, so long as my child is able to pursue education without the full burden of this falling on one parent.

Sorry you have a crap situation.

For the first 8 years we were together I was the main breadwinner earning significantly more than him. I went part time to look after the children. My career stalled while his soared. He now earns approximately double what I do.

So, how is it right that because we are divorced he no longer provides for his children? I will never agree with that - whether I realise my aim of agreeing his ongoing contribution or not.

Come 18, our kids will lose a lot of support from their father, which will impact their lives. I will do my best, but it will be hard, especially if they are unable to earn much as still in education. Whilst he will rub his hands with glee at all the extra disposable income he has.

All the money I get goes on my children, I'm not squirrelling it away to blow on myself. It pays for their home, food, clothes etc. I don't see how that will change until they become financially independent. However, as RP I will be expected to fund that massive gap. And I won't be able to. Whilst daddy is off the hook.

@AndSoFinally

Actually, that might only be if they're still doing A-levels rather than a degree. Its not entirely clear to me if a degree is "equivalent"

I think it's just a levels, unless there are specific learning difficulties or extra needs...? Just my interpretation.

[quote DreadingChristmasAlready]@SW1amp

I’m just offering a different opinion. Mumsnet is predominately women with the same opinion and when you come from a different perspective you get flamed.

If a child is mostly at uni and being supported by both parents why should the NRP pay the RP extra for when they’re home particularly if they split their time between homes? As for when they’re not home, surely those costs are down to the individual home owners/renters not the father of a child who isn’t even there?[/quote]
Your assumption is that the child is being supported by both parents.

What if the NRP walks away financially at the end of 6th form? Leaving the RP to cover everything?

All I am trying to secure is that EXH will continue to support his children whilst in education, whether directly to the child or via me. If he paid me I'll probably be handing it all over one way or another, and anyway I expect his preference may be to pay the child directly.

I really don't care, so long as he does contribute!

Another one here who included the term ‘Tertiary Education’.
I ended up in court with my ex when my son was 19 as he stopped paying CM on his 18th birthday in May after exams were finished - even though he was starting College of Technology course in the following October. With the help of the College sending the court a letter explaining his course was classed as Level 4 and so categorised as Tertiary Education, he was ordered to pay the arrears and continue until he had completed the course.
As others have said, your children, although adult, would surely NEED a home to come back to and their father should understand that. The CM is not paying YOU, it is a contribution to provide a home for his children while they are completing their education.

OP your situation is different to mine.

My husband is certainly not rubbing his hands together in glee with all of his disposable income. He still pays child and spousal maintenance to a woman who has made a career out of finding money out of other people. Not the case here I can see. He also supports his children independently of his ex wife.

If a child is attending uni I agree both parents should support them, but once they've left and are capable of supporting themselves then surely parents should help but not by the father continuing to pay the mother? If you want to clothe, feed and look after your children well into their adulthood then that's your choice, but the burden of that cost should be borne by you and not their father as ultimately it's your choice.

Is the child paying the bills and running the house?
No? Then why should the child be paid?
We aren't talking about them having spends to piss up the wall.
We are talking about kids who don't magically become independent at 18!
I get there has to be a cut off point, but considering kids can work from 16 then by that thought process the NRP support should stop at 16 surely?

@DreadingChristmasAlready

OP your situation is different to mine.

My husband is certainly not rubbing his hands together in glee with all of his disposable income. He still pays child and spousal maintenance to a woman who has made a career out of finding money out of other people. Not the case here I can see. He also supports his children independently of his ex wife.

If a child is attending uni I agree both parents should support them, but once they've left and are capable of supporting themselves then surely parents should help but not by the father continuing to pay the mother? If you want to clothe, feed and look after your children well into their adulthood then that's your choice, but the burden of that cost should be borne by you and not their father as ultimately it's your choice.

I can sense your upset and frustration but as you say, my situation is not yours and I am not like your DH's ex.

All I want is for him to support his children through their potential university years. That is it. Not to walk away because they're 18. He is just as much their parent as I am, so why is it acceptable in society that a NRP can walk away without any further responsibility?

I have never said once I want to be paid forever, I am purely trying to see right by my children regarding their father's ongoing support whilst they are in need of it. Once they finish education and get a job, I agree, all bets are off.

Until then, their dad has a duty of care to support his children as much as I do.

@poorbuthappy

Is the child paying the bills and running the house? No? Then why should the child be paid? We aren't talking about them having spends to piss up the wall. We are talking about kids who don't magically become independent at 18! I get there has to be a cut off point, but considering kids can work from 16 then by that thought process the NRP support should stop at 16 surely?

Absolutely this!

If it helps, my DM (in this case NRP) still pays her monthly maintenance becuase my DB is in uni. It does go directly to him and not his father though.

It was part of the divorce settlement. dB is 20 now

OP I think we're largely in agreement albeit from different sides of the fence.

I will never agree that DHs ex is using her maintenance on her children it supports her income so she is able to work part time and swan around. Her/their children are both adults. It makes me angry and bitter as I think it would any decent hardworking person.

I hope you get the answers you need to help your own situation. Apologies for derailing your thread.

My ex stopped paying for DS when he dropped out of further education college. This was sanctioned by the CMS. DS was 17 at the time, left school with one GCSE, had serious mental health issues and it was in the middle of a pandemic. Could he feasibly get a job during that time? Of course not. But the CMS allowed that to happen and I had to cope with the financial burden alone. But my ex is a prick, and, according to the CMS, rules are rules...

@DreadingChristmasAlready

OP I think we're largely in agreement albeit from different sides of the fence.

I will never agree that DHs ex is using her maintenance on her children it supports her income so she is able to work part time and swan around. Her/their children are both adults. It makes me angry and bitter as I think it would any decent hardworking person.

I hope you get the answers you need to help your own situation. Apologies for derailing your thread.

Thanks, I hope one day your situation improves.

Personally, I can't wait for the day when I can return to full time work in a higher paid position. But that day has to wait until the boys are older, as it will likely involve me having moving to a different area too.

Once that happens, I'll probably be much less concerned about this as I'll be more able to pick up any slack left by ExH!

@Soopermum1

My ex stopped paying for DS when he dropped out of further education college. This was sanctioned by the CMS. DS was 17 at the time, left school with one GCSE, had serious mental health issues and it was in the middle of a pandemic. Could he feasibly get a job during that time? Of course not. But the CMS allowed that to happen and I had to cope with the financial burden alone. But my ex is a prick, and, according to the CMS, rules are rules...

So awful.

I just can't get my head around parents who do that. They're still parents.

OP, it's simple. He hates me more than he loves his children, this is just one example. It's really really hard to keep a dignified silence on his behaviour.

@Soopermum1

OP, it's simple. He hates me more than he loves his children, this is just one example. It's really really hard to keep a dignified silence on his behaviour.

I hope your children love and appreciate you all the more, it will be his loss when they realise what he's done (if they haven't already).

@DreadingChristmasAlready

OP as for feeling bitter - yes I probably am. DH's ex will be paid for their children for very many years after they become adults, and it's not child maintenance, it's spousal. She won't even move on in life and marry her long term partner because her money would stop! I'd be willing to bet the minute the maintenance stops (as decreed by court) she'll marry the new sucker! Before everyone starts banging on about spousal only being allowed for the wealthy, that is total nonsense. My DH is far from wealthy with earnings below the national average.

That's a very different thing. Spousal maintenance is not child maintenance and they shouldn't be confused.

I receive no spousal maintenance, nor do I expect it. I do, however, wish my x would take responsibility for HIS children and not expect me to shoulder all burdens. But only until the children are independent. Not forever.

Spousal maintenance is usually only awarded where one party is a high earner, it's rare for it to be awarded.

Hi OP
My DH is paying to support his DD through Uni, he didn’t “legally” have to but he wouldn’t have dreamed of not doing it. He pays £4,500 a year to her directly, he doesn’t pay his ExW.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for you to ask for this for your DC.

[quote DreadingChristmasAlready]@SW1amp

I’m just offering a different opinion. Mumsnet is predominately women with the same opinion and when you come from a different perspective you get flamed.

If a child is mostly at uni and being supported by both parents why should the NRP pay the RP extra for when they’re home particularly if they split their time between homes? As for when they’re not home, surely those costs are down to the individual home owners/renters not the father of a child who isn’t even there?[/quote]
I think you might have entirely missed the point of this thread

OP is looking at how her Ex can be held to providing for DCs during Uni years
So this makes absolutely no sense:
“If a child is mostly at uni and being supported by both parents why should the NRP pay the RP extra for when they’re home particularly if they split their time between homes?”

A) child will only be supported by both parents if OP can get a court order to mandate it
B) where on earth are you getting it from that OP would be getting more money on top of this?
C) why will they be splitting time between both homes when OP has also stated the oldest (ie one closest to going to uni) is estranged from the ex?

You’re so bitter about your own situation that you’ve ploughed into this thread without actually reading any of the pertinent facts, and instead gone off on a rant about women having no morals if they want their ex to support his own children

Must say i have to agree with DreadingChristmasAlready. It can't last forever. Build yourself and your own pride. If the father doesn't want to pay when they turn 18 then there is not much you can do about this. I feel strongly as my husband died when my children were 3 and 5. I haven't had any support and he left me with no financial protection or backup. Once you realise you have to do it on your own then you just get on with it! And it the end it makes you feel a better and stronger person! God help me if mine go to university but at 18 maybe they just have to get a part time job! That's what most do.

But how much are the true costs of a child at uni on their family home? If their financial application is based off your income they will get a lot of help, add in the child getting a job (which most students do) they should be able to support themselves during term time. The only holiday they would be there for any significant amount of time is the summer. As for the costs of maintaining a house for the child to come home to, is that not on the homeowner/renter to take care of? It's not like it's a shock or happens overnight that children turn 18... surely the father also has a house to maintain where the kids could also split their time in the long summer break? I just don't see how the financial burden of an adult child at uni would require ongoing maintenance personally

@LizziesLifeCover

Must say i have to agree with DreadingChristmasAlready. It can't last forever. Build yourself and your own pride. If the father doesn't want to pay when they turn 18 then there is not much you can do about this. I feel strongly as my husband died when my children were 3 and 5. I haven't had any support and he left me with no financial protection or backup. Once you realise you have to do it on your own then you just get on with it! And it the end it makes you feel a better and stronger person! God help me if mine go to university but at 18 maybe they just have to get a part time job! That's what most do.

Believe me I have plenty of pride, I think you're being a little harsh.

I see you have been in a very sad and unfortunate position, but why should that mean my children's dad no longer supports his kids?

I don't know why some people have to make such personally insulting comments here, it's really not necessary.

Maybe I will have to cope alone, but ultimately that may mean a move to a different area - I'd be pilloried for taking my kids away from their dad, and living as we do in the super expensive South East I'd be hugely better off it I were able to relocate. But I haven't, and I won't until I can move alone without causing any impact on my kids.

Some situations feel like a lose/lose, frankly. All I wanted was to hear if other RPs had managed to reach an agreement like this.

Ultimately I'm reliant on his good will to do so. Fingers crossed he will be inclined to agree to this.