Financial disclosure

[HELPNEEDHELP12398765]

I would really like some advice please, I have name changed for this. Is there anyway I won't have to provide 12 months worth of bank statements for all my accounts?

I had a £4.5k squirriled away as an emergency fund as things had been difficult at home for a long time. My husband and I always had very seperate finances, with household bills coming from the joint account, which my husband paid a set amount into each month to cover. Everything else stayed in his personal account. From my part time wages I paid for everything for the kids from my personal account, my car, my phone etc.

The savings I had didn't come from the joint account. I had a bit of a side hustle going on, nothing illegal but not something my husband would approve of and I made some money. I had this in a separate account and added money that I got given as birthday/Christmas gifts to it, along with money I made completing surveys, selling things on ebay etc. The money has already been spent on paying off my debts and on paying Household bills after we separated so the account only has pennies left in it.

I really don't want him to see the bank statements for this account. He will be furious that I was building an emergency fund that he knew nothing about and try to use it against me, particularly how some of the money was made. I don't care about the money. I haven't spent it on designer clothes, holidays etc. It has paid off my credit card, bought food and clothes for the kids and paid the heating bills.

I was thinking it was 6 months statements needed in which case that would be OK as there is no money in the account and hasn't been for some time but 12 months and he will see it all. I am really panicked now, our relationship was rocky and money was always a tricky subject. I feel sick at the thought of this all.

@RandomMess

Are the DC primarily housed with you? If so your need is greater than your ex, hence why you would usually be ordered more than 50%

Presumably ex earns more too and can get a larger mortgage in order to house himself?

Please don't let yourself and the DC be financially fucked over in order to "remain amicable" there will be nothing amicable unless he gets everything he wants both financially and in terms of contact with the DC.

Yes to all of those things.

I wouldn't even be able to get a mortgage for a 1 bed flat on my own as I don't earn enough.

As @RandomMess has said - your needs (with 3 DC under 10) will outrank his. A house split of 50:50 will not be deemed appropriate if you go to court with this, therefore he seems to be wanting to get something in writing before you've been advised.

Tread carefully OP - it sounds like he's got an ulterior motive. And it isn't amicable. There are plenty of FB pages which can guide you through the process as LIP. Look also at McKenzie Friends qualified in financial proceedings.

You absolutely do not want to deal with the finances separately, my exH wanted to do exactly that, he wanted to get his name off the mortgage and get his share of the equity so he could buy a house with the ow but wanted to get divorced later.

This is not a good idea, you need the finances set out in a legally binding consent order which requires a divorce, otherwise either party can change their minds later.

I would advise applying for CETVs for all pensions ASAP they can take ages.

@DiamondBright

You absolutely do not want to deal with the finances separately, my exH wanted to do exactly that, he wanted to get his name off the mortgage and get his share of the equity so he could buy a house with the ow but wanted to get divorced later.

This is not a good idea, you need the finances set out in a legally binding consent order which requires a divorce, otherwise either party can change their minds later.

I would advise applying for CETVs for all pensions ASAP they can take ages.

Oh really, is it not legally binding doing it this way and then divorcing later?

I'm going through this at the moment and this came as a surprise to me, but you cannot get a consent order without divorcing. File for divorce as asap. Also, remember that what you are both spending now is coming out of your joint marital assets, so if he can afford a solicitor, so can you. And so SHOULD you. You don't need the solicitor to do all the to-ing and fro-ing, just get some advice from them. I got help completing the form, but did it as a DIY.

Then you need to think about mediation. Your first appointment will be one to one and the mediator should tell you what your options are, and ask you if you feel able to sit in the same room and have a discussion with your H. If the answer is no, then you have to go to court. But it's worth giving mediation a try. Your H may be willing to make preposterous demands to you in private, but he may not feel so brave in front of a third party.

So stop letting him drive the process. Once you go to mediation, BOTH of you have to show your hand. Hugs to you, I know how overwelming it is.

Sorry - I just realised I was wrong about that - there are ways of doing mediation without being in the same room, but if any party including the mediator thinks a agreement cannot be struck the process ends.

You can 'wing it' and only give him the statements of the accounts he knows about. My friend had an abusive and financially abusive dh and she had a separate account where she would also squirrel away money that she got for Xmas or selling stuff on eBay. She didn't disclose this as part of the divorce and he was none the wiser. She'd have been stuffed if he'd got a forensic accountant on the case, and it went to court as she'd have been found out. But luckily he didn't as it would have been very expensive and I think he had far more secretly stashed than her and he didn't want her to do the same to him.

I don't advocate this behaviour and I'd be furious if my dh did this to me, but in some cases, especially those who have been financially abused it's a case of 'needs must' I think everyone should be financially secure in their own right.

He is trying to bully you, because he thinks that way you will just do what he wants.
If your not living together do CMS now, and get them to get you a fair share of his wages.
Most judges will give a mum with 3 children more than 50/50, and he knows this. But if he can rush you to divide the house 50/50 he wins more money.
If he goes through your bank statements as your suggesting , he will see a massive bill from the Solicitors. Since your just replying to questions you pay nothing.
My friends husband had a 88k bill for being an arse, hers was 5k.

You are wasting your time & energy worrying about an account that once had 4.5k in it. This is peanuts, compared to the cost of bringing each child up to a minimum age of 18 !

You need to spend your time, energy & money on the bigger picture which is
Divorce
Getting enough share of the property, savings, pensions, savings to house you & the children in the future (even if this is renting in the future)

Do you currently work ?

@Under5Weather6

You are wasting your time & energy worrying about an account that once had 4.5k in it. This is peanuts, compared to the cost of bringing each child up to a minimum age of 18 !

You need to spend your time, energy & money on the bigger picture which is
Divorce
Getting enough share of the property, savings, pensions, savings to house you & the children in the future (even if this is renting in the future)

Do you currently work ?

Yes I work part time and in the next year I should be able to increase my hours further. My job isn't very well paid, I gave up my reasonably paid career when I had children and then took a career break.

I'm not worried about the 4.5k as such, more him seeing how I made the money and turning it around and telling everyone how I deceived him, I'm a liar etc. and the relationship then becoming very strained and so harder for the children.

I think some counselling would really help, I had a session provided by my employer through a occupational health scheme, it was really helpful to just talk things through with someone and get my head straight, similar issues to yours really I just needed to process that we were now two separate people and what he thought or wanted really didn't matter any more.

You don't need to justify having a running away fund, and as it no longer exists it's irrelevant to your divorce proceedings. Unless you spent it on an asset it's irrelevant.

@DiamondBright

I think some counselling would really help, I had a session provided by my employer through a occupational health scheme, it was really helpful to just talk things through with someone and get my head straight, similar issues to yours really I just needed to process that we were now two separate people and what he thought or wanted really didn't matter any more.

You don't need to justify having a running away fund, and as it no longer exists it's irrelevant to your divorce proceedings. Unless you spent it on an asset it's irrelevant.

Thank you, I think that might be helpful too. I was actually looking into counselling yesterday but wasn't really sure how to find the right type of counselling service.

Relate have charitable funding from a number of organisations to give 6 free Zoom counselling sessions to people who have done various jobs.

I can’t remember the whole long list - some seem quite obscure but others are very common. I got free sessions because I had worked in a bakers shop years ago and that counted as part of the food distribution industry. I’d imagine lots of women have work in eg supermarkets at some point in their lives. I didn’t have to provide payslips or anything like that.

Worth

Oops - Worth phoning up to ask about it.

@GenderAtheist

Relate have charitable funding from a number of organisations to give 6 free Zoom counselling sessions to people who have done various jobs.

I can’t remember the whole long list - some seem quite obscure but others are very common. I got free sessions because I had worked in a bakers shop years ago and that counted as part of the food distribution industry. I’d imagine lots of women have work in eg supermarkets at some point in their lives. I didn’t have to provide payslips or anything like that.

Worth

Thank you, I will look into it.