Financial disclosure

[HELPNEEDHELP12398765]

I would really like some advice please, I have name changed for this. Is there anyway I won't have to provide 12 months worth of bank statements for all my accounts?

I had a £4.5k squirriled away as an emergency fund as things had been difficult at home for a long time. My husband and I always had very seperate finances, with household bills coming from the joint account, which my husband paid a set amount into each month to cover. Everything else stayed in his personal account. From my part time wages I paid for everything for the kids from my personal account, my car, my phone etc.

The savings I had didn't come from the joint account. I had a bit of a side hustle going on, nothing illegal but not something my husband would approve of and I made some money. I had this in a separate account and added money that I got given as birthday/Christmas gifts to it, along with money I made completing surveys, selling things on ebay etc. The money has already been spent on paying off my debts and on paying Household bills after we separated so the account only has pennies left in it.

I really don't want him to see the bank statements for this account. He will be furious that I was building an emergency fund that he knew nothing about and try to use it against me, particularly how some of the money was made. I don't care about the money. I haven't spent it on designer clothes, holidays etc. It has paid off my credit card, bought food and clothes for the kids and paid the heating bills.

I was thinking it was 6 months statements needed in which case that would be OK as there is no money in the account and hasn't been for some time but 12 months and he will see it all. I am really panicked now, our relationship was rocky and money was always a tricky subject. I feel sick at the thought of this all.

@GenderAtheist

I should add that I know how terrifying it is to even think about saying no to your husband. I bet you are feeling sick to your stomach just reading my posts.

Because you have been controlled by him for years - brain washed if you like. He can control you from afar because he lives in your head, saying mean and judgemental things about you.

That what happens when you live with abuse for years. Many of us here have lived through this so please understand that we are very sympathetic to you. No one here is judging you.

That’s why @RandomMess says that you need help to get free from him mentally. It a big job to deprogramme yourself. Things like doing the Freedom Programme really help.

I do, I have been feeling physically sick since he instructed solicitors.

Someone on mumsnet suggested the freedom programme to me a few years ago when I first posted about my relationship issues. That must have been 3 years ago, maybe more, so it had taken me a long time to get to this point. I will look into the freedom programme now, thank you for suggesting it.

Please reach out to woman's aid.

He has got a solicitor to get you to agree to what he wants. He probably intends to bully you into less then 50% whereas if you have majority care of the DC and lower earning potential you would like me awarded far more in court.

The priority of the court is the DC being adequately housed.

Your fear of him is clear in your posts

@RandomMess

Please reach out to woman's aid.

He has got a solicitor to get you to agree to what he wants. He probably intends to bully you into less then 50% whereas if you have majority care of the DC and lower earning potential you would like me awarded far more in court.

The priority of the court is the DC being adequately housed.

Your fear of him is clear in your posts

I think he would like me just to sign for 50:50 and then get the house sold. Part of me is so tempted to do that, just to make it easier, less stressful and get it over and done with but I know I will be the one unable to buy another house and within a few years of renting I will have nothing left. I suppose I also feel guilty about having kept quiet about the money I had saved and knowing he wouldn't like how I had made it.

I suppose I also feel guilty about having kept quiet about the money I had saved and knowing he wouldn't like how I had made it.

You owe him nothing.

He owes you.

Be clear on that going forward.

@NoSquirrels

I suppose I also feel guilty about having kept quiet about the money I had saved and knowing he wouldn't like how I had made it.

You owe him nothing.

He owes you.

Be clear on that going forward.

Thank you, I'm finding it really hard to get into that mindset at the moment. Particularly as things had been amicable for a while, I was feeling really guilty for having ended things and was feeling at though this is all my doing. I know deep down though that I am not the one that has caused all of this, I was left with no other choice but to do this for my children and for me.

Have you looked into shared ownership, if you got more than 50% would that be an option to own some outright and rent the rest?

@RandomMess

Have you looked into shared ownership, if you got more than 50% would that be an option to own some outright and rent the rest?

I was hoping this could be an option but properties never seem to come up in my area. There are ones with the government help to buy loan but not part buy part rent unfortunately.

Have you spoken to a council housing officer? You used to be able to do DIY Shared Ownership on the open market in some areas.

@RandomMess

Have you spoken to a council housing officer? You used to be able to do DIY Shared Ownership on the open market in some areas.

No I haven't, I've not heard of that before. I'll look into it, thank you.

Things have been amicable for a while because he is trying to get you onside to sign documents in his favour . He is being Mr Nice Guy so he can con you out of money that you need to provide for your children.

He knows he can charm you and that you really want to believe he’s a decent man and father. He knows how to manipulate you - he’s been doing it for years.

He also knows that you will do anything for your children, that you hate conflict, you are scared of his anger and you don’t have a lot of money to pay for legal advice. So he is exploiting all your ‘weaknesses’ to his advantage.

“ Surely we can be civilised and agree this between ourselves ? Let’s just keep this amicable for the children’s sake - sign here “.

@GenderAtheist

Things have been amicable for a while because he is trying to get you onside to sign documents in his favour . He is being Mr Nice Guy so he can con you out of money that you need to provide for your children.

He knows he can charm you and that you really want to believe he’s a decent man and father. He knows how to manipulate you - he’s been doing it for years.

He also knows that you will do anything for your children, that you hate conflict, you are scared of his anger and you don’t have a lot of money to pay for legal advice. So he is exploiting all your ‘weaknesses’ to his advantage.

“ Surely we can be civilised and agree this between ourselves ? Let’s just keep this amicable for the children’s sake - sign here “.

I would much rather just go to mediation and try to agree it ourselves, the thought of solicitors is really worrying me. I think I'm scared of the cost of it (I now have no savings) , the pressure that might be put on me to agree to something that I don't want to, the impact it will all have on the kids, and also my reputation when he sees my accounts and tells everyone that I have been lying to him and how.

He is probably telling all sorts of lies about you and the relationship anyway!! He isn't going to be honest and say he was abusive to you for years is he?

He can and will use mediation to bully you anyway which is why you should never have mediation with someone abusive.

@RandomMess

He is probably telling all sorts of lies about you and the relationship anyway!! He isn't going to be honest and say he was abusive to you for years is he?

He can and will use mediation to bully you anyway which is why you should never have mediation with someone abusive.

I didn't realise that about meditation and abuse, isn't it meant to be tried first before anything goes to court?

I suppose I feel so guilty and awful for using or even thinking of the word abuse, it's not what I had pictured an abusive relationship to be all though I have been told many a time of mumsnet when I have posted over the years that yes my relationship was abusive, never physically but in other ways.

If you expect him to be honest about presenting accounts and finances then you should approach presenting yours with the same integrity.
Lying to courts and solicitors will not go down well, never mind what your Husband thinks!

@saleorbouy

If you expect him to be honest about presenting accounts and finances then you should approach presenting yours with the same integrity. Lying to courts and solicitors will not go down well, never mind what your Husband thinks!

I won't hide anything. If I legally have to give 12 months statements for everything at this point then I will do that. I suppose I was hoping that this could wait another 6 months then it wouldn't be such a problem, I wasn't expecting to get to this point so quickly.

My exH expected me to go along with whatever he wanted, upsetting him was awful (despite him having cheated and being with the ow) but once you realise that he's no longer on your team and you have to be strong for your future and your dc's future it gets a little easier. The nastier they get actually, the easier it gets to fight back.

You need to wake up and realise he doesn't care about you and the DC he isn't a good man or father. This financial settlement will be about him trying to get everything.

You don't need to jump up and say yes sir because he is demanding financial disclosure now. I would be suspicious that there is a reason he's rushing it along tbh.

Have either of you served divorce papers?

Please speak to woman's aid and ask if the can recommend a good solicitor that gets good results against abusive men. You need to know where you stand once you have his financial disclosure.

I would write back to his solicitor and say that you haven't been able to appoint a solicitor yet but if he could let you have Ex financial disclosure ASAP then you will get on to it.

It costs you nothing to write to his solicitor yourself.

@RandomMess

You need to wake up and realise he doesn't care about you and the DC he isn't a good man or father. This financial settlement will be about him trying to get everything.

You don't need to jump up and say yes sir because he is demanding financial disclosure now. I would be suspicious that there is a reason he's rushing it along tbh.

Have either of you served divorce papers?

Please speak to woman's aid and ask if the can recommend a good solicitor that gets good results against abusive men. You need to know where you stand once you have his financial disclosure.

I would write back to his solicitor and say that you haven't been able to appoint a solicitor yet but if he could let you have Ex financial disclosure ASAP then you will get on to it.

It costs you nothing to write to his solicitor yourself.

No, divorce papers not served yet, he is wanting a separation agreement at the moment with a view to divorcing at a later stage.

Well you don't have to go along with that do you? For some reason he wants financial separation urgently.

I strongly suspect he is up to something such as hiding assets etc

Why don't you serve divorce papers instead?

@RandomMess

Well you don't have to go along with that do you? For some reason he wants financial separation urgently.

I strongly suspect he is up to something such as hiding assets etc

Why don't you serve divorce papers instead?

I wanted to wait until no blame divorce came in rather than doing it now. I wasn't sure if either of us could deal with the blame placing and so thought it might make it a less stressful process. I suspect his friends have convinced him he needs to get things sorted now and a solicitor has probably also said to get things agreed now whilst things have been amicable.

@HELPNEEDHELP12398765 "No, divorce papers not served yet, he is wanting a separation agreement at the moment with a view to divorcing at a later stage."

This would be ringing alarm bells of the greatest noise in my head. Just as an offer of a timeline: we separated in October 2017, divorce petition in December, first (of many...) voluntary exchange of Form E wasn't completed until May 2018 despite us pushing for it, then Form A (for ancillary relief proceedings) was raised in June and the first hearing was January 2019. As litigant in person you can pull the reins on how fast or slow this process is...

[quote MahMahMahMahCorona]@HELPNEEDHELP12398765 "No, divorce papers not served yet, he is wanting a separation agreement at the moment with a view to divorcing at a later stage."

This would be ringing alarm bells of the greatest noise in my head. Just as an offer of a timeline: we separated in October 2017, divorce petition in December, first (of many...) voluntary exchange of Form E wasn't completed until May 2018 despite us pushing for it, then Form A (for ancillary relief proceedings) was raised in June and the first hearing was January 2019. As litigant in person you can pull the reins on how fast or slow this process is...[/quote]
OK thank you. I'm assuming he is wanting to try to secure a 50:50 split of the house whilst we are getting on rather than wait in case things become less amicable and I'm less open to discussions on it.

How old are the DC? Sorry if you've already said.

@MahMahMahMahCorona

How old are the DC? Sorry if you've already said.

10, 7 and 3

Are the DC primarily housed with you? If so your need is greater than your ex, hence why you would usually be ordered more than 50%

Presumably ex earns more too and can get a larger mortgage in order to house himself?

Please don't let yourself and the DC be financially fucked over in order to "remain amicable" there will be nothing amicable unless he gets everything he wants both financially and in terms of contact with the DC.