Every time I try and tell DH I want a divorce

[Snoken]

I have known for quite a few months now that I want to divorce my husband, but I can't get the words out. I can tell other people, like my closest friends, but I can't tell him. Whenever I have the opportunity, like if he asks should we book a holiday for February half term (which he just did), I freeze up, my heart starts beating really fast, my hands starts shaking and I can't even look at him. I just end up saying, let's talk about it later. I have had 3 or 4 similar opportunities to tell him, but I just keep being really vague an stupid and nothing gets said.

Can anybody help sort me out please? I need to say it, I want to say it, but it's like my body just shuts down whenever I have the opportunity to. If it helps, I'm a people pleaser to the core, and I suspect this is where this comes from. Also, never fight so I can't do it out of anger either. I need to change my mindset somehow. Help!

I filed and didn't tell dh. Solicitor's letter spelled it out good enough. I was too scared to tell him.

@Monsterpumpkins
That would be an option, but I think my very last option. I would like to handle it in a way I would have liked him to handle it. So, I'd like to be able to explain how I feel.

I can totally understand why you did it though. It's scary. I feel like telling my best friend to call him up and explain it all to him, but obviously that would be just too weird.

I was in this position a few months ago, I wrote a very short speech and rehursed it. ( but also kept the bit if paper with me just incase) waited until the kids were not around and told him my rehursed speech.
I said something like this:
I have been unhappy for a while, nothing has improved over the last 2 years, I have decided that I want a divorce.
Our marriage is over, we have tried our best but I'm unhappy and I can't do this anymore.
I'd like you to go and stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks while we figure out our next steps.

Then stay quiet and let him talk, don't get draw into a debate about it, he obviously kept trying to draw me into a dialogue about it and I just kept repeating " I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce"
Hope that helps

No idea but if you figure it out please let me know!

@edgeoffreedom

I was in this position a few months ago, I wrote a very short speech and rehursed it. ( but also kept the bit if paper with me just incase) waited until the kids were not around and told him my rehursed speech. I said something like this: I have been unhappy for a while, nothing has improved over the last 2 years, I have decided that I want a divorce. Our marriage is over, we have tried our best but I'm unhappy and I can't do this anymore. I'd like you to go and stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks while we figure out our next steps.

Then stay quiet and let him talk, don't get draw into a debate about it, he obviously kept trying to draw me into a dialogue about it and I just kept repeating " I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce"
Hope that helps

Thank you @edgeoffreedom! I think this would help me actually. I have so many reasons to want this divorce that I don't even know where to start. I need to organise my thoughts perhaps and focus on the big things.

Were you really nervous too?

@SnarkyBag

No idea but if you figure it out please let me know!

I will do!

Yes I was incredibly nervous, as I've never been " allowed" to make decisions, but having my short script and sticking to my shutdown type reply really helped me feel confident 🙂 it's been really hard and I've still not actually filled for the divorce yet ( that's a whole other mental preparation I need to gey head round!) But I will and I'm at peace with my desision.
Good luck and let us know how you get on! X

I have done it now! I feel nauseous, relieved and scared. I told hime yesterday, and he is trying to convince me to at least go to couples counselling. I did agree to it, but then today he has been a complete dick, so now I don't even want to entertain the idea.

I have to say though, once the first sentence was out, it was much easier than I thought. The knot in my stomach is still there, and I couldn't sleep at all yesterday but I think I will tonight and tomorrow I will feel better, and then it will improve from there. I hope so anyway.

Thank you for all your support!

It is a sad situation and if you are wanting the divorce simply because you have drifted apart, and there has been no nastiness, then I can understand why you are afraid to tell him for fear of upsetting him. If you can't tell him because you are scared that he will react violently etc maybe have that best friend of yours on standby in a car outside. You will need to just go for it and tell him how you honestly feel, you never know he may agree with you that it is the right thing to do. Good luck to you both.

@Snoken stay strong as you will get this Dick attitude for a few days. My H was utterly vile when I told him I wanted to separate. So be prepared. Stick to your guns and don't back down like I unfortunately did. So weeks later, I had to do the whole "Talk" again.

[quote Millshake01]@Snoken stay strong as you will get this Dick attitude for a few days. My H was utterly vile when I told him I wanted to separate. So be prepared. Stick to your guns and don't back down like I unfortunately did. So weeks later, I had to do the whole "Talk" again. [/quote]
It really goes up and down, doesn't it? This morning he's all understanding and wanting to talk. God, this is messing with my mind so much.

I’m glad you managed to tell him. Now he needs some time to process what you’ve said, and it probably won’t be easy/quick for him.

You’ve known this was coming for a while, so you’ve had the time to come to terms with it. He hasn’t had that, so he’s understandably a bit all over the place right now. It will get easier in time. My ex husband was atrocious after I found the strength to tell him I wanted a divorce, but we get on reasonably well now.

I actually found counselling useful. It took any anger out of the situation and we both knew we had tried everything we could to make it work.

Couples counselling can be used as a method of splitting up well. See it as a good thing to help you to reinforce that you wish to separate.

Well done you. I was where you are for years, and never did it, thinking I was letting the kids down if I did. Wish I had, with hindsight.

Onwards and updwards, good luck with it all.

@Lonecatwithkitten

Couples counselling can be used as a method of splitting up well. See it as a good thing to help you to reinforce that you wish to separate.

Yes, I think we will go down that route. I'm just scared of it because he is much more articulate and convincing than I am, and I am scared I will just go along with things I don't actually want to go along with. I am too much of a people pleaser, and if I see him upset I just cave basically. Then the next day I feel strong again and I stand my ground, and then he finds ways of making me doubt myself. And so we continue.

I wish he had the same feelings as I do, but he really doesn't and he is now willing to change absolutely everything to make my life good again. Except accepting divorce.

That is a massive hurdle already over, you are stronger than you feel. If you do go down the Counselling route try having a one-to-one session early on with the Counsellor and just yourself - you may find it's easier to talk to the Counsellor freely about your true feelings and what you want to achieve from the sessions, which will then make it easier to be strong when you attend your next session together with your H. I was able to do this as my ex-H couldn't attend one of our booked sessions due to work commitments but I went anyway - it was a chance to tell my side of the story without worrying about hurting my ex-H's feelings.

@dubious21
That is a good idea! I have told DH that he needs to go to therapy by himself too, because he has some deep rooted issues lingering from his crappy childhood that he needs to sort out. These things does have an effect on our relationship, but I feel that he needs to speak to someone privately about that. It's not my issue, even though I am the one who gets mistreated because of them.

Just a brief word about husbands in this situation "being a dick" - it helps if you remember that you've known about this for quite a while, have been planning (dreading), thinking about it; whereas to them, it will be a shock. There is every chance that they hadn't noticed anything was wrong, and this has come out of the blue. So give them a little leeway for reacting in shock, anger, confused - they don't have the benefit of your weeks and months of planning.

(Somebody had to point this out to me when I did the same as you.)

Wow @Snoken you've taken a massive step! Well done! Yes he will have had a shock, and will react the way he has done (angry/shocked at first, then wanting to sort things out) but please please stand your ground. I am in the very early stages of this. My dh has known of my unhappiness for two years, but I've never had the courage to come straight out with it and say I want to separate. My first step is that I took my wedding ring off about 6 weeks ago. I did it last summer but put it back on when he noticed and got upset about it. He hasn't said anything this time, and I don't know if he's noticed or not, but I won't back down this time.

As regards counselling, I did exactly what you describe!!! We went to a couples session, I was fully prepared to tell him 'it's over' in the safe space of the counselling room, and I utterly caved. It completely swung his way where he played the victim, I was being horrible to him, making a bad atmosphere in the house.... and somehow I ended up agreeing to make more of an effort. Wtf???!!! I was absolutely furious with myself when I got out of there. I had been to several sessions on my own, my counsellor agreed the couples session would be a good chance for me to say exactly what I wanted to say in that safe space, and it went in the complete opposite way.
Also like you, I wish he felt the same about the situation as me, but he is adamant we must stay together. In my very first session, my counsellor said to me, "you never know, he could be feeling exactly the same as you, just waiting for you to make the first move." I remember driving home thinking Yess!!!! I bet when I tell him how I feel, he'll agree that we're both unhappy, and we can move on. I was flying with newly found confidence, and relief, but when I realised this was the last thing on earth he wanted, I felt so deflated. And he said he would try to make things better. I don't see any evidence of that, and two years later we are still plodding on.

So, my advice to you is book a couple of sessions for yourself, build your confidence, then book a couples session for the sole reason of clearly stating you want to end the relationship and look for a way to move forward in the best way possible. Do not back down in that room!!!!

You sound very much like me. Let's hold hands while we do this!!!

@JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue

That is absolutely true. I have been trying to keep that in mind, but it's hard to not just want to rush things and get it sorted as for me it's a long time coming. I am trying to keep in mind that he will have to go through the motions in his own time and how we are today, could be completely different to how we will be tomorrow or the next day.

@19Bears

No offence, but I am petrified of being where you are in 2 years time. I am not sure I would have the guts to do this a second time. I know it's so important to stick with it once I have made the decision, and I would feel like I let myself down if I gave in now. But it's so tempting. I don't know how couples counciling can work if you go in with different agendas though. I can see how it would be beneficial if we both wanted to work on our relationship, but we won't be working towards the same end goal after all. I just think, one of of us will lose, and it might be me.

Remember this: you do not need his permission to divorce.

Personally, I wouldn't do couples counselling.

You're right @Snoken it is harder now. The morning after the failed couples session I told him we would never ever have a physical relationship again, and that made us no more than friends, despite having a house and kids together. I thought that was the moment I had finally been building to and I'd finally got the words out, but it has just dragged on and on since then, and I can't bring myself to do it again. Especially as he has been on antidepressants. But then again, I sometimes feel like he's using them as a shield, to stop me saying it again. If this is what you want, please stand your ground now.

As for couples counselling, don't let him think you are going with the intention of working on your relationship. I feel that might be where I went wrong. Just remember, whatever you decide to do - stay with him, or separate - there will be a cost with either of those options, and it will be difficult, and you have to accept that in your mind. But it will be temporary. Don't forget that either!

Thank you @19Bears for great advice!

@TheSilveryPussycat, do you think couples therapy won't work for similar reasons I don't, or do you have another argument not to?