Every time I try and tell DH I want a divorce

[Snoken]

I have known for quite a few months now that I want to divorce my husband, but I can't get the words out. I can tell other people, like my closest friends, but I can't tell him. Whenever I have the opportunity, like if he asks should we book a holiday for February half term (which he just did), I freeze up, my heart starts beating really fast, my hands starts shaking and I can't even look at him. I just end up saying, let's talk about it later. I have had 3 or 4 similar opportunities to tell him, but I just keep being really vague an stupid and nothing gets said.

Can anybody help sort me out please? I need to say it, I want to say it, but it's like my body just shuts down whenever I have the opportunity to. If it helps, I'm a people pleaser to the core, and I suspect this is where this comes from. Also, never fight so I can't do it out of anger either. I need to change my mindset somehow. Help!

@Capricornqueen86

Well done! I am also standing firm with my husband. I had a little bit of an internal wobble over the weekend, but didn't voice it, and I am now firmly back in divorce land. A week after I told him he is starting to understand it is actually happening, and he has gone to stay at his parents house for a couple of weeks. It's bliss being home alone with just the kids. I am planning on going home to Sweden when he comes back and stay there for a couple of weeks. He will then look after the kids for two weeks. We can't keep doing that forever, we will have to sell up and move, but it's nice to have some distance initially until we can figure out who goes where.

@Snoken
Well done for having a short term plan at least for a few weeks. Your time in Sweden will giving you some breathing space to think clearly without the children around.
We are due another chat I think in the next few days so we can really discuss concrete plans in moving forward with this divorce. Times like this makes you stronger.

You have told him you are divorcing so see yourself as a single person now.
You only need to speak to him about kids and the divorce.
Keep going !

@19Bears

This is so true *@freeatlast2021* All of it. Every word. I have been waiting for the past three years or so for DH to do something big, or bad, something that would justify me telling him to go, but nothing comes. It's just a thousand small things that have worn me down. But as you say, it doesn't matter one bit. The fact is, if you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, that's enough. When I spoke to a solicitor on Tuesday, I had a long list of unreasonable behaviour to give him, and he didn't ask for any of it! He said the bottom line is you're unhappy and you don't want to stay that way. And he's right. Don't try to give your DH a list of reasons to try and justify how you feel, it's not going to help. Rip the plaster off is the only way. I wish I would take my own advice!!!

I had something big happen about 18 months ago, I spoke to a solicitor, but I still didn’t do it - we were in lockdown, all the kids were home and I couldn’t imagine going through a divorce at that time. Now, like you, it’s lots of small things that are wearing me down. He’s a nice guy, he cooks, he’ll do DIY, but it’s not enough. We are in separate beds, haven’t had sex for about 3 years - but I don’t actually want him to touch me anyway - and I don’t love him. We are two people sharing a house. I know I’m a terrible person because Ive fantasised about his death, not that I want him to die, just that I wish he would disappear as that would be easier than all the upset. I had a list of all the reasons that it’s over , but I don’t even want to say them now as it doesn’t matter and I’m over it, I just want it done.

@19Bears

This is so true *@freeatlast2021* All of it. Every word. I have been waiting for the past three years or so for DH to do something big, or bad, something that would justify me telling him to go, but nothing comes. It's just a thousand small things that have worn me down. But as you say, it doesn't matter one bit. The fact is, if you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, that's enough. When I spoke to a solicitor on Tuesday, I had a long list of unreasonable behaviour to give him, and he didn't ask for any of it! He said the bottom line is you're unhappy and you don't want to stay that way. And he's right. Don't try to give your DH a list of reasons to try and justify how you feel, it's not going to help. Rip the plaster off is the only way. I wish I would take my own advice!!!

@19Bears Sorry I missed this post of yours somehow. You are right there, right there, just a little longer. A situation will present itself and you will find the courage to do it. This is how it was with me. I wanted to do this before Covid and did not do it because I knew he would lose his job and could not do that. But then during Covid one after another thing started happening to us, mostly to him and I felt that I was sinking deeper and deeper because I could not do it, not yet, but I could not live like that any more either. I was thinking to myself, God must hate me to be doing this to me. After all these years I finally got to the point where I want to leave and this is literally the worst possible time.

But one day, a woman knocks on our door and he opens it. She was offering him an apartment in our complex. Turns out he applied a year ago when we had our first conversation and they did not have anything until then. He comes to me and says, "I told her I did not need it, we are fine now, right?" I though I was going to die, of course I was going to say, "yes, we are fine", but then deep inside I found a courage and looked him in the eyes and very, very calmly I said, "no, we are not fine and you should take that apartment, maybe not this one as the date is very close but definitely the next one." I just heard my therapist saying, "stay true to yourself Mira, stay true to yourself." And I did. You will too.