Every time I try and tell DH I want a divorce

[Snoken]

I have known for quite a few months now that I want to divorce my husband, but I can't get the words out. I can tell other people, like my closest friends, but I can't tell him. Whenever I have the opportunity, like if he asks should we book a holiday for February half term (which he just did), I freeze up, my heart starts beating really fast, my hands starts shaking and I can't even look at him. I just end up saying, let's talk about it later. I have had 3 or 4 similar opportunities to tell him, but I just keep being really vague an stupid and nothing gets said.

Can anybody help sort me out please? I need to say it, I want to say it, but it's like my body just shuts down whenever I have the opportunity to. If it helps, I'm a people pleaser to the core, and I suspect this is where this comes from. Also, never fight so I can't do it out of anger either. I need to change my mindset somehow. Help!

Don't go to counselling, especially if you're struggling to verbalise what you're feeling. I found it really tough with DH when we had a temporary separation, he was very manipulative with it, talked over me completely and ended up somehow talking the counsellor into believing it was on all me.

I lasted 2 sessions of it, came out feeling completely crap about myself and eventually rang the person to say that I felt much better thanks that not only did he manipulate me all the time but he'd succeeded with them too.

If you're going to see anyone, see a solicitor and set the wheels in motion. Be strong

@Snoken, I don't have any direct experience, but time and again I have seen many threads where posters said much the same as @BrilloPaddy.

In the year before I filed for divorce, I suggested couples counselling, but my motive was to call him out for being a cocklodger, although I might have given it one more chance if he promised to change (some hope!). He wouldn't go, but said I should, to sort issues I had from the past - and had dealt with.

During the divorce process, while we were arguing about negotiating a settlement (I had started court proceedings as he wouldn't provide info to solicitor), solicitor advised mediation, as courts like you to have tried that.

We each received a letter inviting us to initial meetings, cost £100. I went to mine, he had not responded to the mediation service, not even a phone call. So that was that.

@19Bears bed. Through the same thing. We had a really shit holiday where was an absolute pain to be with, snd I said I'd had enough. We went to counselling, and somehow that ended really inconclusively and we drifted back to old ways. But worse. Finally it reached breaking point and I'm going for a divorce.
We are both still in the same house and he's clearly trying to avoid any blow ups. He's asked if there is any chance to reconcile but I know that if we do, he'll know he can do whatever he wants.

@Snoken
Well done for saying it. But make sure you stick to it. I also felt the initial relief, but there have been ups and downs. As others have said, your DH needs time to get used to it, sometimes you've got to suck up a bit of the anger. If things are too amicable, that can also be dangerous. Mine thought at one point that there was a chance of reconciliation.
Stay strong.

I was similar to you. I ended up leaving on New Year’s Eve as I knew if I stayed, I’d never leave. Moved back in with parents, filed for divorce after 2 year’s separation. It wasn’t my greatest time, but was absolutely the right thing to do. You just have to be brave…

@Soontobe60

I was similar to you. I ended up leaving on New Year’s Eve as I knew if I stayed, I’d never leave. Moved back in with parents, filed for divorce after 2 year’s separation. It wasn’t my greatest time, but was absolutely the right thing to do. You just have to be brave…

I wish I could pack a bag and leave too, but my family all live in Sweden and I have to stick around for the kids. I don’t have money to rent somewhere either, as he’s got all of our money. I only have a part-time salary.

It would be even better if he left, I really need some distance. Although I understand he’s got lots of questions, and I’m trying my best answering them.

@TheSilveryPussycat

Remember this: you do not need his permission to divorce.

Personally, I wouldn't do couples counselling.

This. I know this is hard OP, I know bc I was there very recently. We all feel like we owe them explanation, we owe them to be fair, we should take it slow, take their feelings into account etc. While all this is very nice and considerate of you, no matter what the reason is for you to want to end your marriage the bottom line is the same, you WANT to end your marriage. You do not want to try to work it out, right?

I too offered my now ex to go to couples counseling, knowing from the beginning that it would change nothing, but he refused, he wanted us to work it out, which is what he would always offer but nothing would every come out of it, he was not changing and I was still unhappy. When he refused counseling I pretty much knew where we were headed but it took many individual counseling sessions for me and another year before I worked up a courage to came to him and said that I wanted to separate. Just like that. My advice, forget explaining, just rip the plaster off. No matter how you do this it will hurt, both of you, so short and sweet works the best, trust me. I did the same as you, for years, sitting in the dark for hours trying to find "good enough" examples to give him why I did not want to be together and it always seemed like they were not strong enough. One day my therapist said to me, "you know, you do not have to look for good enough reason why you want to end your marriage, it is enough that you want to." Also, do not wait for him to agree on this one, this is one decision you may not be able to decide together, he may never "agree" with you, but if you want it, if you instincts tell you this is what needs to be done, just do it.

Wise words, @freeatlast2021. And your name says it all!

This is so true @freeatlast2021 All of it. Every word. I have been waiting for the past three years or so for DH to do something big, or bad, something that would justify me telling him to go, but nothing comes. It's just a thousand small things that have worn me down. But as you say, it doesn't matter one bit. The fact is, if you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, that's enough. When I spoke to a solicitor on Tuesday, I had a long list of unreasonable behaviour to give him, and he didn't ask for any of it! He said the bottom line is you're unhappy and you don't want to stay that way. And he's right. Don't try to give your DH a list of reasons to try and justify how you feel, it's not going to help. Rip the plaster off is the only way. I wish I would take my own advice!!!

Also, don't forget that in April next year, it's pretty straight forward in that if you want a divorce, that's that. The other partner cannot contest it and drag it out emotionally and financially. It should have been like this all along. I am planning to go down this route.

@freeatlast2021

Wow, that really hit home actually. Today we have had an almost normal end to the day, watching TV with the kids, having a take away. For a moment I couldn't remember why I wanted to get a divorce in the first place. I had to force myself to remember what I had said just a couple of days ago, but it's so hard not to waiver.

@19Bears

I didn't know about the April thing. I'm hoping I will be on my way to planning for my new life by then but who knows.

I started to write down all the things that upset me, and that's been really important. Because once I said I wanted to split, he did try to modify his behaviour, not because he wanted to be kinder to me, but because he didn't want to leave the house. Reading back over it reminds me how upsetting some of his behaviour was. It was all stuff he knew upset me, but he made no effort to change until he was under threat.

I feel exactly the same so I have written a letter, I just posted on here too for advice... I do feel like I should also go to a solicitor so I know where I stand as we have joint accounts and both names on tenancy plus I don't think he will go easy as he always says he has nowhere to go and just walks around the streets last time we nearly separated

Hi all, it’s useful to hear everyone’s experiences. I’m a similar position to @snoken. I want a divorce after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids. I’ve known things were not working out about 2 years ago but have been hanging in there bc of the children. But I’ve finally decided I want a divorce but I haven’t been able to tell him. I know in my head the reasons but trying to explain it to him or anyone else is difficult. I feel content at my decision this time but scared he will try and change my mind and start acting like the perfect husband.

@Capricornqueen86
He probably will, but do not back down. Just say it with as much firmness and certainty you can.

It seems that most of the people do start to plead and ask for a second chance and such. My ex did none of this, but basically said, ok if this is what you want. I was grateful that he did not make it harder for me, but at the same time I wonder sometimes, why he did not even try.

Have you actually engaged a solicitor and lined up your ducks?

Because this ought to be the focus of your attention.

You seem certain that divorce is what you want, so don't let yourself get side tracked.

I also had problems with actually saying it. My reasons went back a long way , and there wasn't an actual "do it now" reason which I could talk about . But I knew it had to happen. And I knew that he would be very articulate and would mansplain to me why I was wrong !

Like previous poster, I wrote it all down, and practiced it. I sat in front of a mirror and said it all very calmly and firmly, until I was pretty good at it. On the day, I had my hair done to give me confidence , and when he came home I said I wanted to talk to him. Then I said my speech, just as I'd practiced.

Of course he was flabbergasted and shocked , he hadn't done anything wrong that week so he thought I had no grounds for this at all. His first words were "Why now ?? " as if the past was meaningless , and only his actions this week could apply.

Anyway I stuck to my guns and we separated. The kids were adults so there wasn't a problem with them . DD was already living with a boyfriend and DS stayed with his father for a few months then moved out with friends. I'd already organised a small flat to move into , so it happened pretty fast which was all for the best. I came back later to talk about the future , and that gave us time to talk in a civilised way about everything. As a previous poster said, it was all news to my husband so of course he needed a lot of time to process everything . But he is nothing if not pragmatic so he did accept it after a few talks.
We got a quick divorce and within a few weeks he had a new lady , so I guess he hadn't lost his touch !

Good luck OP !

@19Bears

Also, don't forget that in April next year, it's pretty straight forward in that if you want a divorce, that's that. The other partner cannot contest it and drag it out emotionally and financially. It should have been like this all along. I am planning to go down this route.

This is the way to go. I live in Australia where it's been like that for decades - it's very simple and cheap. Mine was over in 3 months, we just filled in the forms and paid the fees, and nobody had to go to court or anything. I got the decree in the mail, it was that easy.

If you’re a people pleaser, it’s good to have a few standard lines to use when you feel put on the spot

“Let me think about that & get back to you”

Give yourself the time & space to make the decision thats’s best for YOU

I finally told him Sunday night, he didn't say much but he seemed quite shocked, maybe because I said it without following an argument. I was calm and said it with firmness. As per usual since our talk, his been on his best behaviour and wants to take me out for dinner next weekend (first time in a year) why do some men do this? I've made up my mind though.

Oh wow @Capricornqueen86 what exactly did you say??? Looking for tips

@Capricornqueen86

I finally told him Sunday night, he didn't say much but he seemed quite shocked, maybe because I said it without following an argument. I was calm and said it with firmness. As per usual since our talk, his been on his best behaviour and wants to take me out for dinner next weekend (first time in a year) why do some men do this? I've made up my mind though.

Great job!!! Idk why some men think this is the time to change. It is very strange and I can only imagine how frustrating. It seems that it does not last long, though. Once they feel that they are on the safe ground they fall back to original behavior.

My ex, however, did not react like that. While I was grateful for that because I also had my mind made up, I do wonder sometimes why he just accepted it like that and did not even try to change my mind.

I am happy for you though that you had a successful "talk". I think that the point is in being short, firm and direct, which is what you did. Once you start explaining you do not appear to be so sure anymore and they will use it to undermine your decision.

@19Bears I said something along the lines of ....I can't do this anymore, I wanna end things, we're more like business partners/friends not husband and wife. He seemed to take it well and offered to sleep in the other bedroom but hasn't done so since our talk. He felt my confidence so I think he was really shocked.

@freeatlast2021 Your so right! It was short and to the point, no dilly dallying. Lasted no more than 7minutes. Best behaviour doesn't last long and we're right back to square one. I lost my dad this year so I think I'm at a point in my life where I want to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. I feel he holds me back.

@Capricornqueen86
Exactly, that is how I feel. A lot has been happening lately, a lot of loss, a lot of stress, a lot of heartache, plus I turned 50 last year and literally thought to myself: " I am not taking any BS from any one any more." Same here, my ex was holding me back, always some drama, always everything had to be about him, I felt like an extra in my own life.

@freeatlast2021 Good luck to a new life chapter for both of us!