Can one parent get all weekends?

[divorcingdad212312]

Hi,

I have just divorced my wife. We have one 6 year old son.

I would like to request first that you read my post with an open mind and assume that I am telling the truth here and not exaggerating my ex wife's lack of parenting skills. Please also consider what advice you would give if the genders in my story were reversed. I understand that some ex husbands do criticise their ex wives unfairly, however please take what I have written below at face value.

For various reasons we have currently a status quo that our son stays with me Sundays to Fridays and goes to my ex wife Friday afternoons to Sunday afternoons. This means that I am doing the whole school run and she is just doing the weekends.

I would like to arrange some weekend time for various reasons. I would like to organise playdates, and do reading and homework with him, since he is very behind in schoolwork.

His mother tends to keep in indoors watching TV all weekend and does not engage with him. She does no homework, or reading, and doesn't take him to the park or to playdates. She doesn't even talk to him and gives him irregular meals. The only times he's gone out of the house have been to get McDonalds. Sometimes he has been looked after by relatives for the day instead of by her. I collect him on Sundays full of energy having been cooped up and ignored for 48 hours.

I am increasingly worried because our son is very far behind in reading, social skills and other areas. I am doing as much reading and studying as I can during the week, as well as some extracurricular activities. However this isn't enough time to close the developmental gap between him and his peers.

I have texted my ex wife to request for one weekend in four in exchange for every Wednesday afternoon, but she has rejected this request.

The problem is that although my ex wife does not seem to want to look after our son, I think she can exert a degree of control over me in this way.

My solicitor has explained that drugs, sexual abuse or violence would be the main reasons why I would be able to reduce my wife's time with our son, and her current parenting style, although damaging, wouldn't meet the threshold.

Has anybody had a similar scenario? I imagine there may be a few cases with the genders reversed. How did you sort it out? Negotiating directly with the ex? Solicitor's letter? Or did you have to go to court?

My understanding is that a court would always give each parent some weekend downtime, but my solicitor is cautious about going to court as I already have the majority of the time, and my ex wife may try to get more time with our son.

I'd focus on what you can offer your son every other weekend rather than what you perceive to be her shortcomings unless any of them are dangerous.

Why is the set up as it is at the moment? Is it school? Work? It would have to be in the child's best interest to alter it.

If roles were reversed it would be perfectly normal for the second parent to have child/ren every other weekend.

I agree, I'd not want to be in a situation where there's no "downtime" with my children.

Would that work, do you think your wife would agree?

Alternatively, what about if she did say Friday nights, so you could have Saturday night and Sunday?

I appreciate it's a really difficult situation and you don't want to rock the boat. But it sounds like it's not working that well for you or your son - and at the end of the day it's children's interests that should be coming first.

Good luck, I hope you can get something sorted.

@WoozySnoozy I don't understand what you mean about "every other weekend"? The point is that I have no weekends. And yes it is possible for a parent to be harmful even if they are not putting a child into physical danger. So I am motivated by the child's best interests.

@comfortablyfrumpy Unfortunately she is not willing to discuss even allowing me a single weekend. So to clarify I do not have any weekends. But I am doing 100% of the school run. So in term time I have 5 nights of 7, but they are all school nights.

So it appears that asking nicely, or entering into dialogue, is not an option. I offered her a weekday night in exchange for 1 weekend in 4 but she turned it down too, and told me crossly not to bring up the subject again.

I guess the next option is getting a solicitor to write to her. Or possibly a court application. Any advice/experience about this?

Do you have a child arrangements order?
Are you officially the resident parent?
Do you claim the child benefit on behalf of your child?
How are holidays split?
What does the mother do during the week?

Apply for mediation? Explain you want some weekend time, it is perfectly reasonable!

Regardless of whatever you think of your ex, I think it's very unfair that you never get any weekend time with your child.

The 'norm' in this scenario would be that your ex has him every other weekend so that you also get 2 weekends a month with him.

If she's not willing to discuss, would you be in a position to go to court to get a contact order in place? The only risk with that could be that she decides she wants time in the week with him too, which could then impact his schooling etc even further.

Avoid court and all costs unless there is no
Option, the stress, cost and unpredictable nature of the courts. It dosen't seem a great deal, that your child gets no wkends with you. Mediation maybe an option or perhaps bide your time and if she's a disengaged as you say she may be asking you to have him for some wkends.

You absolutely need weekend not just school weekday time regardless of your ex.

Try mediation and if there is no compromise take it to court.

I would say EOW or one in 3 as a minimum.

Also I hope she is paying you maintenance since you have your son 5 nights out of 7 every week??

If she isn't, maybe you could use that as a bargaining chip to in exchange for every other weekend? (you will start a CMS claim if she isn't willing to discuss a change) As she should be giving you money to help support her son.

So badly written sorry, but in my experience the benefit of going to court is very small and extremely stressful. My advice would be do the best you can with the time you have.

Also you can gain something called "first refusal" so that if your ex isn't going to be caring for your DS then you are offered first to have him before he goes to family/friends/childcare.

This shouldn't be used to restrict extended family access though.

I have child benefit in my name. No child arrangements order.

Solicitor said that mediation could be risky because it would give her a forum to state that she doesn't agree with the status quo, and try to become the primary parent instead of me.

She does sporadically give him to me at last minute when he gets in the way of her social life. However when I request weekends that's when she resists. She has a tendency to do the opposite of what she perceives I am asking of her.

I think I will try a couple of solicitor's letters but not sure what next. I don't see mediation working. I'm prepared to spend whatever is necessary to achieve this, even going to court - however the solicitor has advised that court is very risky and should be avoided at all costs as @greendiva said.

@divorcingdad212312 sorry I wasn't clear. Focus on what your child would gain out of seeing you every other weekend. Any harm is of course important but if it goes to mediation she is more likely to be swayed by arguments about how much benefit you having every other weekend will give your child.

Sorry cross posted. It's such a shame those avenues are so frought with risk for you. I hope you manage to get things resolved soon.

So why isn't it currently 50:50?

You are worried about ex wanting more than 50% care but true 50:50 with a mix of weekday and weekends could be the best way forward.

I have been to Court a few times and we have a Child Arrangement Order for my DC. I'm the resident parent.

Impossible to advise without further details atm. Your arrangement seems a strange one and unlikely a Court would implement an arrangement like this as it's so skewed. Why do you have all the weeknights and the mother has all the weekends?

Why is your solicitor advise no mediation and no Court?? What do they advise??

I don't understand why your solicitor doesn't think you should fight for a better arrangement. EOW and weeknight is far more usual.

Is there a reason why you started out with all the weeknights or is that just how it ended up? Are you nearer school or something? It is a very unbalanced arrangement and I think you would definitely be awarded weekends. But you might well lose weeknights in exchange.

Think carefully about what would be the best arrangement. What would be the best swap for those 2 weekend nights she'll lose? Be clear in your own mind what you would like best, then what you could compromise on.

I think you also need to go through the motions of offering mediation even if you feel it won't be successful. At least you look like you've tried and not just jumped straight to court action.

It does sound like she might well use this as a chance to change all the arrangements and the 5/7 in your favour is at risk. How do you feel about that?

@housewifeathome Because although my ex-wife shows clearly with her behaviour that she has no desire to look after him, if you were to ask her in a forum such as mediation, she might say the opposite... that she wants the majority of care.
So what she really wants and what she says she wants are at odds with each other.
However she's not very proactive and would be unlikely to go out and find a lawyer to contest the status quo. But me arranging a mediation session would be offering her an opportunity on a plate to disrupt things and assert control.

One factor may be that she comes from a conservative country with
a culture that would consider it a shame on the entire family for a mother to not have primary care of the children. An arrangement with her spending little time with our son, although it would be in his best interests, would result in her being criticised and judged, or possibly completely ostracised, by her extended family. Another factor is of course that the time spent with the child is correlated with money - she may think she can receive child support from me if she can turn the status quo around.

@RandomMess True 50:50 would be a disaster for his wellbeing because of my concerns about her parenting.

My step sister has a moderate learning disability and social services were involved when the health visitor picked up on how delayed baby was and it transpired baby was getting almost no interaction or stimulation at home so it was environment not neurological. There is now an agreement that their son goes to his dad's from Thursday evening to Monday morning and a support worker helps my step sister every week day with learning about parenting. So yes it's definitely possible. I think that the dad went to court and social services supported him in evidencing what was best for their toddler. My step sister was not very happy with this, but honestly couldn't cope and little one was suffering in ways his mum just couldn't grasp unfortunately and has come on so well since spending a lot more time with his dad.

I am a dad that has had to endure the family court process to get a Child Arrangements Order.

From the info you gave me, I would honestly not rock the boat, because if, at face value, what you have written is true, your ex still has a strong chance of reducing the child's time with you if it went to court, which would have a profound impact on the child's development, the very thing you are concerned about.

How long have you been the primary carer for? If it's for quite a long time then it's unlike the judge (if it got that far) would make her the primary carer without good reason.

I'd get another solicitor and ask their opinion. Usually contact is every other weekend and 1 week night, on the week that the non primary carer doesn't have weekend contact.