Can one parent get all weekends?

[divorcingdad212312]

Hi,

I have just divorced my wife. We have one 6 year old son.

I would like to request first that you read my post with an open mind and assume that I am telling the truth here and not exaggerating my ex wife's lack of parenting skills. Please also consider what advice you would give if the genders in my story were reversed. I understand that some ex husbands do criticise their ex wives unfairly, however please take what I have written below at face value.

For various reasons we have currently a status quo that our son stays with me Sundays to Fridays and goes to my ex wife Friday afternoons to Sunday afternoons. This means that I am doing the whole school run and she is just doing the weekends.

I would like to arrange some weekend time for various reasons. I would like to organise playdates, and do reading and homework with him, since he is very behind in schoolwork.

His mother tends to keep in indoors watching TV all weekend and does not engage with him. She does no homework, or reading, and doesn't take him to the park or to playdates. She doesn't even talk to him and gives him irregular meals. The only times he's gone out of the house have been to get McDonalds. Sometimes he has been looked after by relatives for the day instead of by her. I collect him on Sundays full of energy having been cooped up and ignored for 48 hours.

I am increasingly worried because our son is very far behind in reading, social skills and other areas. I am doing as much reading and studying as I can during the week, as well as some extracurricular activities. However this isn't enough time to close the developmental gap between him and his peers.

I have texted my ex wife to request for one weekend in four in exchange for every Wednesday afternoon, but she has rejected this request.

The problem is that although my ex wife does not seem to want to look after our son, I think she can exert a degree of control over me in this way.

My solicitor has explained that drugs, sexual abuse or violence would be the main reasons why I would be able to reduce my wife's time with our son, and her current parenting style, although damaging, wouldn't meet the threshold.

Has anybody had a similar scenario? I imagine there may be a few cases with the genders reversed. How did you sort it out? Negotiating directly with the ex? Solicitor's letter? Or did you have to go to court?

My understanding is that a court would always give each parent some weekend downtime, but my solicitor is cautious about going to court as I already have the majority of the time, and my ex wife may try to get more time with our son.

I would say that DC needs non-school time with you where you can do activities and he gets contact with his extended family.

That as is normal you would like EOW and she can have 1-2 week nights in exchange and which would she like, and of course her EOW could include Sundays nights so she can be more involved with the school?

If that gets you nowhere and there is then take it to court.

You know she isn't going to be reasonable, and the longer the current pattern exists the harder it is to change. She manages to collect him on a Friday so she can do it on another night.

I would ask for EOW as that's pretty standard and reasonable. Be prepared to negotiate weekdays if she requests it.

You honestly can't have it both ways. Irrespective of your concerns re her parenting, she isn't abusive or a danger or risk to him I presume. You want weekends whilst also maintaining all your weekday contact, meaning you're effectively reducing her contact. How can you actually expect that. If you want a weekend then prepare to give up some weekday contact. Inevitably the best way it'll be resolved is by awarding 50/50 shared care.

I would suggest she picked up Friday from school and dropped off Monday at school for every second weekend (or three out of four if mid week contact was a problem) so she had a chance to engage in his school and learning. Then one overnight during the week if this was suitable. Also share the holidays.

@Countdownto2234

You honestly can't have it both ways. Irrespective of your concerns re her parenting, she isn't abusive or a danger or risk to him I presume. You want weekends whilst also maintaining all your weekday contact, meaning you're effectively reducing her contact. How can you actually expect that. If you want a weekend then prepare to give up some weekday contact. Inevitably the best way it'll be resolved is by awarding 50/50 shared care.

Agree with this.

Just to illustrate what typically goes on: it's now 3:15pm on a Friday. My wife just texted me 10 minutes ago to ask if I can collect my son at 3:30 and have him for the weekend... Of course I'm overjoyed to have him! But I would like to regularise this and get it formalised in a proper agreement. Since I know to expect this I always half-plan for it, but if I were to request the weekend she will always turn it down.

Have you documented exactly what weekends you have actually had him?

If so you would be going to court only to formalise what is actually happening that you do have him approximately every 3rd weekend or whatever it is?

But honestly, again.. you're missing the point. It doesn''t matter how many Solicitors letters you send, how much you try and justify it, by requesting weekend contact as well as all the weekdays you have, you're effectively only reducing her contact to three weekends a month. No Court will grant that.
You will categorically have to give up some weekday contact in order to justify having the weekends.. and as MANY people have said it already, the quickest way to resolve this would be to award 50/50 shared care or to award her EoW with weekday contact also.
You're honestly missing the point completely.

Agree with pebbledashery

I think you really need to decide what your issue is, is it
A. You're concerned about your child's welfare
B. You want some weekend time

I'm sorry OP but o am finding it hard to accept A because surely if it was A you wouldn't be wanting to negotiate this weekend time. It would be a matter of addressing the parenting issues. You mentioned he is behind in his school, seeing how you're the parent that does the school runs and weekdays, have you discussed this with the school etc? Seems abit unfair to bring this up when pleading your case
I think it's fair enough to want some weekend time with your child, alternating the weekend is fairest in my point of view because it gives quality time with both parents aswell as stability for the child.
I hope you manage to come to an agreement but I think m you need to sit and really think what your issue is here and don't try and make the mother out to be a bad parent to get your way. If you and genially worried about your child then you need to deal with that as a priority.

Just wanted to say as well OP that it isn't unreasonable for that your child spends some times with his mums relatives. They will want to have a relationship with he/she too. This used to frustrated me initially in my childcare set up but over time I've realised that the time my son is with ex is time for that side do the family too. You just have to make peace with that.

Keep a diary and track when you have him over the weekend. Hopefully it becomes regular enough to argue in court if need be, that you already have him that much.

I'd say a more normal schedule would be for the non-residential parent to have Wednesday nights and every other weekend from Friday after school to Sunday evening, and half school holidays.

But don't spend all weekend trying to catch him up on years of neglect, have some fun together and do some learning as you go. Follow a recipe and bake, follow a timetable and go somewhere fun. Count up and down some stairs in a castle etc etc.

I only read half way through as I got irritated by your assumptions! You cannot control how they other parent, parents. It is literally non of your business. The only time it becomes your business is when you believe the child is at risk.

Also you've got the majority of the time with them. If they are behind I'd maybe look at yourself rather than blaming the other parent.

What happens during school holidays?

I think it's a bad set up when one parent gets all the term time week day slog, and the other all the free time at the weekend.

And it's worse if the weekends are dull and boring.

Yes you should be having at least one weekend a month, and ideally EOW

You either have to risk rocking the boat and going for that via mediation or solicitors (offering a weekday night in exchange - which would actually increase her time)

Or wait and see if she asks you to do more weekends - like she has just done - which means you get the weekends without having to push the issue

This thread is irritating. Purely because if the roles were reversed and it was mother seeking to obtain weekend contact as well as maintaining her current level of every weekday contact, therefore reducing fathers contact... You can bet your bottom dollar the words parental alienation will be flung all around the shop.
You are truly being so unrealistic. She's not abusive, she's not neglectful in the truest form of the word, just by your definition, her parenting style is different to yours.
I can say it till I'm blue in the face, but don't expect to keep your current level of weekday contact by trying to obtain weekends. You're looking at a straight split into shared care or EOW and forfeiting week day contact.
Please wake up a bit.

@november90 @pebbledashery The key issue is my concern for her bad parenting. As I mentioned in my first post, in this thread please take what I am saying about her neglect at face value and please advise assuming I am telling the truth and not exaggerating. I do have evidence for her neglect and the school itself and other parties (both my family and her family) have raised concerns. The school has also contacted social services about her. But there is a very very high bar for removing a person's parental rights. I have brought up her concerns to herself and later to the authorities many times over the years. This is an anonymous internet forum and not a place where I can share evidence or give details of the things she has done, but I have nothing to gain from being disingenuous with you or exaggerating. In addition, I found out after beginning the divorce process this year (2021) that my ex wife lost custody of another child in 2010 in her native country, due to the same concerns (leaving her unattended to go out at night etc). But this was done in an unofficial way rather than via any government agency, sending the child to live with relatives. All of this was hushed up by her family because of the "shame". As I mentioned before, she is from a very religious and conservative culture. Clearly if I had known that she had already neglected and lost custody of one child, I would not have had another child with her! So please believe me when I am stating again that my concerns are very very real and my ex wife is not a person that you would want near your child! I am not making assumptions, I have been present and seen how my ex wife "parents" my child because I was married to her for 8 years. I am not just talking about a different parenting style and I am not attempting to alienate somebody, I am attempting to protect a child from a bad parent who is seen as a bad parent in the eyes of my family, her own family, multiple teachers, the administration of two primary schools, a number of healthcare professionals, several solicitors, and pretty much anybody who has seen her interact with the child.

I understand those who are saying I need to offer midweek time. You're absolutely right, however I'm going to follow what the solicitor advises about when to offer this. All of this will be done via solicitor's letters initially. My ex wife is very scared of my solicitor because of all the bad things she has done and because she is terrified of going to court. I will let the solicitor lead the strategy. It is not as simple as just reporting her to social services, and multiple solicitors have advised me against this route because it just results in counter allegations and doesn't tend to change the final outcome. I don't see midweek contact being in his best interests either but I am aware I may need to compromise on this. Another thing which I may be able to leverage is that long term my ex wife will need to work full time in an unskilled job (also quite some distance from the school) whereas I have very flexible hours and so she may not be able to do the midweek contact.

@glitterfarts thanks, that's really good advice.

I do have one more question though.... for those mums whose ex husbands have EOW, how was this arranged and agreed on? Do they usually have a midweek afternoon or overnight stay, or is it only EOW? Because if I was a divorced dad with only EOW I would feel short changed, so were these arrangements forced on these dads or do they simply not want more time? Or is it primarily due to work schedule? The schedule that @glitterfarts mentions (Wednesdays plus EOW for the NRP) would be great but is that what a court would order? It sounds quite unequal.

@divorcingdad212312 I'm sorry you have had such a tough time, my opinion on the childcare doesn't change the fact of how difficult I know this must be for you. But I still find it hard to understand how on one hand you're making allegations she's a unfit mum etc and on the other you're talking about just wanting the weekend time. I can absolutely guarantee you that if family, my school, my health visitor.... anyone, if anyone raised safe guarding concerns about my son with his other parent the topic in my brain would not be about me gaining more weekend access and I would be fighting tooth and nail to be gaining full custody or arranging support for the other parent and my child.
Like others have said, you have to take responsibility for your child being behind too, particularly as you appear to be the primary carer. To me if sounds like you're wanting to blame a lot on the child's mother and use that to make your advantage. I appreciate it's a difficult topic and I don't know you or your situation or the further details... but what I do know of that you are putting a lot of blame on another and you are considering a change in childcare so you can have more weekend access when all the piers in your child's life are raising apparent safe guarding concerns. I just don't understand it. I would just follow your solicitors advice. I don't think it necessarily fits the explanation of the story in here but liek you've said, it's just an internet foroum.

I also get the impression you're not taking responsibility for your child being behind also. You're the primary carer, some onus is on you too. You are scapegoating a bit.

I have been primary carer since January only.

Of course if it was an option to get full custody I would do it, but it is very difficult to take away someone's parental rights. My solicitor advised to take a slow approach of gradually setting up a status quo of him living with me, rather than going in all guns blazing accusing her of neglect. Please believe me I have explored all the options and I am approaching it with a cool head because a lot is at stake. I thought at the outset that given the things she has done, it is a simple matter of taking her to court and getting a judge to stamp a piece of paper saying she's a bad mother, but it is far more complicated than that.

You're not taking responsibility either. Some of this is partly down to you too.

@MissMaple82

Also you've got the majority of the time with them. If they are behind I'd maybe look at yourself rather than blaming the other parent.

There's clearly a lot of complexity here, but this is unfair as well as unkind. A parent working full time and with only weekday care is realistically spending a lot of their time together on the daily routine, and also with a child who is tired after a day at school. At this age the weekends are really important.

I would be devious. Try to get her to admit neglect through text messages or phone calls if you can record them. Questions like "why do you want him this weekend when you have nothing planned, I want to take him to X's birthday party." Or "he needs to do this reading and this counting worksheet this weekend can you so that with him?"

Did you read the OP post. He offered 1 week night a week in exchange for one weekend, effectively offering the mother 2 extra nights a month to her current arrangement