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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Would you? Bonkers or the perfect solution?

60 replies

spottypyjamas · 19/08/2021 19:19

I'd love peoples honest opinion please.

Background: married 10 years. small children. separation on the cards. I love him, but not in the way I should. I've been stuck in limbo as I cant bear the thought of the consequences of my decision, but i may have a way out I can consider....

We live in an expensive area, selling one house doesnt give the money to buy 2, even smaller flats/houses. Cant move very far at all due to school catchment issues that I'm unwilling to sacrifice. My nightmare scenario is us living apart, across a busy city, one small house, 1 small flat, both work full time/shifts so our time with the kids would be much reduced, he doesn't deserve that. Kids would be shuffled between. Hes a great dad and I dont like the thought of them being away from me or him, they grow up so fast!

What about, we look for a property with a decent sized garden and buy/build a 2 bed annex? Theres lots of solutions online now, mobile options but all the mod cons. He has a decent space and privacy, the kids can see mum/dad whenever. Being with the kids can be much more flexible to suit our work schedules.

Potential issues:
Joint mortgage: we could keep joint account for mortgage/ joint Bill's. Yes we would remain connected financially. I have no issues with this. It actually makes me feel more secure.

New partners - yes ok, potentially awkward depending on how close house/annex is. Wed have to discuss all eventualities and set boundaries.

Planning permission etc etc I realise this all need research, as well as the issues of divorce whilst sharing a mortgage.

But, I feel so much happier with this plan, as does he, even with the potential issues. No one deserves to miss out on the kids and no one would anywhere near as much as the other options.

I fully appreciate this would not work for a lot of situations, but I love him like a brother, I feel this would be best for us all.

Am I missing any obvious reason not to do this?

OP posts:
Millshake01 · 19/08/2021 20:03

So you have told him your thoughts? If he's in agreement then go for it. Sounds a perfect scenario. You both get to see the kids every day. Only problem I would think is when one of you starts dating. That would be tough!

tootingbeclido · 19/08/2021 20:07

I thought I were going to turn your house into 2 flats. If I both agree why not!

Original poster
spottypyjamas · 19/08/2021 21:49

@milkshake01 thank you. Yes i have told him my idea. Whilst he still has hope my feelings will change towards him, I am being as open and honest as I can be and saying they may not, as have been this way a long time. He felt a great sense of relief that he would be close to the children and they could see him when they wished. Yes dating will be awkward potentially, but I feel this scenario makes so many other areas of our lives (and most Importantly the kids lives) so much easier, that it's something we would have to make work. No scenario is perfect, I guess I'm trying to create the least distressing plan.

@tootingbeclido i did have that idea! It's kind of possible with our house but would not allow for him to have space to be with the children and would therefore not be a long term solution, hence plan b!

OP posts:
ThorIsAGod · 19/08/2021 21:58

I think he'll always want and hope you'd go back to him so it's a cruel thing to do.

Levithecat · 19/08/2021 23:02

I think it could build resentment, with the person having the house getting a better deal. That said, you’d probably only be increasing the value of your property so if it doesn’t work then it’s not the end of the world.
Fwiw we are keeping a shared bank account for child related money

StillWeRise · 19/08/2021 23:17

so, how do you decide which parent gets to live in the existing family house with the children and which gets to live in the annexe?

villamariavintrapp · 19/08/2021 23:19

I can't see it working well, it's not an equal split-one (the house) gets a much better deal.. and while potentially it could work if you were both on the same page, you're not. He's still hoping you'll get back together, he's not looking at this as a way of splitting up, but as time out while you work things out. It will lead to a lot of resentment when he realises you've left him (and he lives in a shed).

villamariavintrapp · 19/08/2021 23:22

Forgot to say-you'd be a lot better off finding a solution which leaves you amicable, even if that leaves you in less desirable accommodation than this which will end acrimoniously and living in each other's pockets.

PieceOfString · 19/08/2021 23:27

If it works for you both, quirky though it is it should be seriously considered. The more seperate lives has significant and obvious downsides.
my concerns would be that part of the thinking for him is his hope you will regain your feelings for him, his atitude to the arrangement could change once that hope extinguishes. I know a couple who co-habited post split and all was fine until one met a new partner, the kids were much older, and wanted to leave for a new home... the partner who didn't want to leave was royally dis-chuffed that the financial situation changed and life was not so easy (money and chores-wise) anymore. They set about trying to sabotage things. It's calmed down now but was very tricky for a while. However, the price of a clean separation is pretty unappealing too, so I suppose it boils down to how well you think the two of you could navigate future situations and whether emotions would get in the way.

minipie · 19/08/2021 23:31

Not what you asked but, if you love him and get on with him well enough for this plan to work, then that suggests to me your marriage has a good shot. You’re in the small kids phase and I reckon it’s pretty common for any spark to disappear during those years while you’re both knackered.

LemonTT · 20/08/2021 07:08

Imo you are using his continued feelings for you to get him to fund your ideal home. Whilst giving him the crumbs of living in an annex. It’s an idea that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Of course it won’t work when other people come along.

If you can afford this then you can afford to set up separate homes. You just need to adjust your expectations as many people do.

It’s a very shabby thing to take advantage of someone’s feelings for you. I hope he gets good advice on his options and the benefits of a clean break for his future.

mouldygrape · 20/08/2021 07:14

I think it's a bad idea. Think ahead to when the kids leave home, you and your new partner in one bit. Lonely pining ex in the other. It's not a good idea IMO

Dozer · 20/08/2021 07:21

Terrible idea.

You’ll need to compromise (with yourself) on school catchment, housing or the marriage.

milian · 20/08/2021 07:25

Poor man - you want to break up with him and then have him live in a shed in your garden? Really?

Once he’s realised there is no hope for getting back together and you’ve moved a new man into the big house how amicable will it be do you think?

Skyeheather · 20/08/2021 07:25

I used to know somebody who lived like this. The lady lived in a house with her four DC and her exDH lived in an annexe in the garden (it was the lady's house, she was quite well off).

It worked until he met somebody else and she got pregnant. He packed up and moved an hour away to live with his new DP and their baby. Fortunately everyone had good jobs and could afford all of this. Also the house and annexe weren't jointly owned so no financial ties.

I don't see it working when one/both of you meets somebody else.

PinkertonRab · 20/08/2021 07:26

I think you’re being a bit selfish here. You’ve decided the marriage is over but you’ll be keeping the house. Not to worry though, he can live in your garden. And because he still hopes for a reconciliation and wants to see his kids, he’s agreed. I don’t think this will end well.

KatySun · 20/08/2021 07:32

As a single parent of many years, I agree with minipie. What exactly is it about separating that appeals to you? What do you think you will gain that you don’t already have and what is in the marriage that cannot be fixed? (I know that is not the question you are asking, but you are essentially proposing moving your husband into the garden to retain the comforts of marriage whilst gaining the freedom to date other people, presuming that somewhere out there will be a better person than your current husband).

I think if you don’t want to separate fully, it is not fair on him because he clearly still hopes the marriage will work out. I kind of see your logic but it is a bit mean, really. You either want to separate or you don’t. You can’t really keep the financial comfort of marriage, whilst rejecting the other aspects. That’s just using him, really. It might be better for the children, but it might also just be really confusing.

DrWankincense · 20/08/2021 07:33

I think you need to really be honest with yourself.
You are keeping him dangling with the hope of reconciliation at some point in the future.
You know he doesn't want to split up so it is actually quite selfish of you to use the children as a reason to live like this. I think that's a bit of a smokescreen.
You get to keep mostly everything the same, no upheaval and he's right on hand.
It's a bit cowardly. You feel guilty because it's you driving the separation and as you said, you don't want to deal with the consequences, I do understand.
I think it will be worse down the road if you don't make a clean break of it. There will be compromises but in the scenario you present, the person living in the annex will be the only one disadvantaged.

brittleheadgirl · 20/08/2021 07:36

@milian

Poor man - you want to break up with him and then have him live in a shed in your garden? Really?

Once he’s realised there is no hope for getting back together and you’ve moved a new man into the big house how amicable will it be do you think?

This. It's an awful idea, just dreadful.
EarringsandLipstick · 20/08/2021 07:37

Whilst he still has hope my feelings will change towards him,

And this is the problem

You can't proceed with this plan while he still has feelings & has hopes of reconciliation. That's not fair.

There's probably a tiny minority of cases this could work. Most separations have a degree of acrimony and readjustment, before hopefully becoming amicable.

Distance is needed. And frankly, you have to accept changes in your lifestyle.

Teflondreams · 20/08/2021 07:38

Not unless that is truly what he wants too.
It sounds nice dot you and, importantly, the kids. But you can’t have him tethered to your garden for an extended period of time. He needs the freedom of his own space and rebuilding his own life. If the situation was reversed and he wanted to leave you, would you be happy with this arrangement? Really?

millymollymoomoo · 20/08/2021 07:38

Completely agree with lemon and others
He’ll agree because 1) he hopes for reconciliation 2) he wants his children close by and feels this is your way of doing that

It’s not fair to him, only to you
And of course when you meet someone ( if you do first) that’s something else he’ll right literally right his doorstep !

If you want to separate you should do it properly, sell
Up and move on

Ragwort · 20/08/2021 07:42

How would your children feeling? Going to visit Dad 'in the annexe' ... or why won't you consider moving into the annexe?

I agree with others, it's not the question you asked but I suggest working on your marriage, I've been married over 30 years, I can assure you that it's not always a bed of roses but I wouldn't consider shoving my DH out into a glorified shed Hmm.

MoreRainThanAnyYet · 20/08/2021 07:45

Consider this:
‘I’ve met a lovely man who’s separated from his wife. The only thing is, he lives in an annexe to her house so that he can see his kids every day. I feel really uncomfortable about dating him in that setup where she can watch me all the time. AIBU?’

Wriggleon · 20/08/2021 07:46

Why do you not get the annexe? Bad idea, what happens down the line? A friend of mine didn't sort out house on separation, 10 years plus still not sorted and looks like it will be going down expensive court proceedings. You seem to want all the benefits of being together, nice house, good school, being their for the children all the time but not being together