Would you? Bonkers or the perfect solution?

[spottypyjamas]

I'd love peoples honest opinion please.

Background: married 10 years. small children. separation on the cards. I love him, but not in the way I should. I've been stuck in limbo as I cant bear the thought of the consequences of my decision, but i may have a way out I can consider....

We live in an expensive area, selling one house doesnt give the money to buy 2, even smaller flats/houses. Cant move very far at all due to school catchment issues that I'm unwilling to sacrifice. My nightmare scenario is us living apart, across a busy city, one small house, 1 small flat, both work full time/shifts so our time with the kids would be much reduced, he doesn't deserve that. Kids would be shuffled between. Hes a great dad and I dont like the thought of them being away from me or him, they grow up so fast!

What about, we look for a property with a decent sized garden and buy/build a 2 bed annex? Theres lots of solutions online now, mobile options but all the mod cons. He has a decent space and privacy, the kids can see mum/dad whenever. Being with the kids can be much more flexible to suit our work schedules.

Potential issues:
Joint mortgage: we could keep joint account for mortgage/ joint Bill's. Yes we would remain connected financially. I have no issues with this. It actually makes me feel more secure.

New partners - yes ok, potentially awkward depending on how close house/annex is. Wed have to discuss all eventualities and set boundaries.

Planning permission etc etc I realise this all need research, as well as the issues of divorce whilst sharing a mortgage.

But, I feel so much happier with this plan, as does he, even with the potential issues. No one deserves to miss out on the kids and no one would anywhere near as much as the other options.

I fully appreciate this would not work for a lot of situations, but I love him like a brother, I feel this would be best for us all.

Am I missing any obvious reason not to do this?

I must say is be pretty pissed of if my DH banished me to an annexe in the garden while he lived in the main house with the kids. Particularly if he was the one who wanted to leave the current set up. And particularly if I was still expected to pay for the mortgage 50/50.

I think this would create resentment long term - say your DH found a new partner fir life with her own children - he' want to move obviously. What would you do in that situation?

I think it does sound good in theory, until you said that he hopes your feelings change and you’ve said they ‘may’ not.
That’s the only issue I think. If you were absolutely sure but it’s more you than him then ideally you’d have a clean break.

Have you thought about the kids remaining in the house while you two take turns in the glorified shed? Say month on, month off. That would give the kids stability and no-one gets the short straw.

I suppose the biggest reason is to do with new relationships.

You are right that any new partner would probably feel incredibly uncomfortable at this set up... because the truth is, if you do this you are not truly separating from him.

Yes you are in that you are not going to be "in a relationship" but you are obviously still emotionally close - you say he's like a brother. So you're both still emotionally invested in one another.

I have an ex who I feel a bit like this about, but we did separate, and it enabled us both to move on with our lives and have new partners without complexities. Now, years on from the situation, I can see how important that was, and how messy it would have been if we had not drawn a clear line.

We still have contact but the idea of living in the same building as him just seems crazy.

Children are remarkably adaptable and they will get used to whatever the new situation is. You must make sure it is right for you and if you are separating, do it in a way that actually will lead you towards some future happiness, not another messy situation.

@milian

Poor man - you want to break up with him and then have him live in a shed in your garden? Really?

Once he’s realised there is no hope for getting back together and you’ve moved a new man into the big house how amicable will it be do you think?

I couldn't have phrased it better...

If you are buying a new property together that is going to feel like a very "coupley" thing to do. You'll be undertaking a building project together, making lots of decisions. Building an annex can also take a long time... where's he going to live whilst that is being done? Still in the same house as you? It could take a year or more.

Where are his feelings in all of this? If he still has feelings for you, then I think it is quite cruel to him to drag it all out like this. He will say that he wants it because he wants to stay in your proximity, and you are both arguing that it is "best for the kids", but the truth is if you don't feel the same way anymore then he needs to have the chance to move on. Doing this prevents him from having a new relationship - no woman is going to want to date a man who lives in the annex of his ex's house.

I think you are uncertain about ending things with him and trying to avoid some pain, but the truth is you can't avoid it. It will either be a clean break now or a long, drawn out, messy break. Like taking off a plaster fast or slow. You can choose but either way it will happen.

Thank you all for your comments, some really hard to read but I did ask for honesty! I definitely have a lot to think about and it's been very useful to see things for other peoples view.

I will spend more time reading through the comments, but just to clarify a couple of things:

I'm very conscious that I do not wish to take advantage of him in any way. The reality is with working hours and childcare I would need a slightly bigger property as I would have the children more.

I wouldnt be remaining in the current house and putting him "in the shed". We would need to move to a smaller house/kids sharing bedrooms etc to allow us to have somewhere with a bigger garden. When I say annex, ideal option would be building a 2 bed something or the 2 bed ones I've seen online are 50-100k, fully fitted kitchen/bathroom/plastered walls etc, they've really nice. I wouldnt be against living in it myself, it's simply that I am around much more with the children due to working hours. 100k around here would get you nothing, a small studio is for sale nearby for 185k, he wouldnt be able to have the children over to stay. So I guess we are thinking 1 bed flat far away from the kids where they cant sleep over, or 2 bed annex close by.

I do need to consider his feelings for me still and how he may be agreeing to anything to stay close. I realise over time this could cause problems. We need do discuss more.

Financially everything would remain in joint name so in the future, if partners came along etc and the situation was unworkable, we could sell and split the equity at that point.

As a few people have commented, is the marriage fixable? I wish it was. Yes it's hard with small children but I feel like I have been pretending for years that we are happy as a couple and we are not. We have not been romantically together for a long long time. When do you draw the line and admit that is not going to change?!

I just feel things arent bad enough to warrant the extreme of us both living in properties too small to house the family, too far away from each other to see them as much as we want.

I have a lot of thinking to do....

The big issue here is when you both meet new partners and one of you wants to sell up and buy a new place. You husband might meet a new partner who wants kids and doesn't want to raise them from an annexe at the bottom of his ex-wife's garden.

Also, I think it should be you in the annexe as you are the one who wants to dissolve the marriage. Sorry but I it is an accident waiting to happen.

You say you can't afford two small places, but you can afford one place with a huge garden, and the costs of building an annex?

To be honest, what's the difference going to be? A place with a garden big enough to build on is probably going to be quite a big house, I'm imagining not dissimilar to where you are now. How are you going to afford that plus all the building costs? (Which are invariably more than you plan for). If you buy a new place it will probably also need a bit of work doing to the house itself to get it how you want it.

Have you really thought this through properly?

One of you could stay in the school catchment area with the kids and the other could move out of the area to somewhere a bit cheaper. Only one of you needs to be in the catchment area. The one that isn't has the kids on weekends.

There are so many solutions to this that don't involve such a messy situation. Yes it's going to be hard and not ideal but you're breaking up with a long term partner and your kids' father - it's going to be hard whatever you do. You need to think about his feelings and future prospects for moving on from you.

....in the future, if partners came along etc and the situation was unworkable, we could sell and split the equity at that point

No. Sorry but you need to make a workable situation now, so that new partners CAN come along. Not the other way around. You need to open the gates and let in potential futures, not cling onto the past.

Sorry that sounds harsh but I think you are clinging and you need to let go.

a) It doesn’t sound to me as if you really really want to separate. b) Your proposal will only work as long as you both remain single. If you have a new partner in your spacious, comfy house, your ex will feel resentful; if he has a new partner (and possibly children), she won’t want to live in your garden.

And either of these scenarios could be your reality in a year’s time

You might want a property of a decent size upon separating, but sadly, at present, you can’t afford that, in the area you prefer/within school catchments.

Your idea is not a go-er.

As you’ve decided the marriage is over, you’d be better of being realistic about your options.

I have a lot of thinking to do....

You do, OP. There's no easy way through divorce. Who wouldn't want to find the most peaceful, secure (financially and emotionally) solution?
Your solution is a nice one! It's a soft landing solution.
But it'll never work in practice and you probably know this.
Divorce... you've just got to jump into that freezing deep end of the pool and swim.

@TheVanguardSix

I have a lot of thinking to do....

You do, OP. There's no easy way through divorce. Who wouldn't want to find the most peaceful, secure (financially and emotionally) solution?
Your solution is a nice one! It's a soft landing solution.
But it'll never work in practice and you probably know this.
Divorce... you've just got to jump into that freezing deep end of the pool and swim.

Exactly.

I think OP knows this really... this is about avoiding pain, but you can't, OP. It's going to be hard whatever you do.

If you don't jump in the cold end you'll just have a long, slow, painful swim towards it for years.

Just do it, get it over with, and in a couple of years time when you are settled in your new situation, you will look back and realise how strong you were and how well you dealt with it.

Your ex and your children will be happier too, because although you might have a smaller house life will be straightforward and you will all know where you stand.

It won't be amicable when you meet someone new and he has to see that every day, while pining for you.

We’re doing this, but we’re 5 years down the line and both have other partners. We have a decent sized house and we’re effectively converting it into two flats. He and his partner will live on the ground floor in a large 1 bedroom apartment, the kids and I will sleep on the middle floor, and we’re getting a big loft conversion to create an open plan living space for us. This should work for a number of reasons:

The house is spacious - big rooms and huge loft space
Our relationship has evolved to that of good friends and our partners get along and all have approved of the plans
In reality we would barely see each other - we would have separate entrances and everything.

The benefits are:

No moving kids between houses
Less faff about childcare and switching contact dates (though to be fair that has never been much of a problem. He has always been a very hands on dad and is happy to be completely flexible, as am I)
It will mean the mortgage can be paid much much more quickly
When the kids leave home we won’t have to sell the house and downsize (though we will take legal advice on how to draw up an agreement if one wants to sell)
It gives me much more freedom to go to my DPs house

So, my answer is possibly yes, but not for a few years. Wait until all the heat is taken out of the situation and then see if it genuinely the best logical choice.

I don't believe you'd even consider this if you were the one who was going to be living in the annex

@milian

Poor man - you want to break up with him and then have him live in a shed in your garden? Really?

Once he’s realised there is no hope for getting back together and you’ve moved a new man into the big house how amicable will it be do you think?

Yes this. My husband's ex tried to do exactly this- brought a new man home and thought my now DH would be happy living in the annexe that they'd originally built for her mother. It didn't go down well, and then the ex felt hard done by when they had to sell the house, and she ended up living with her new bloke ( who she's since married) in a smaller but perfectly nice property. And she kicked off when he met me, and convinced herself that we must have been having an affair all along. Classic case of wanting to have her cake etc

Yes, clearly I've had my rose tinted glasses on in terms of how this may all turn out.

He is a very hands on, good dad. The 3 kids are still very young, preschool/early primary. Due to his shifts, sometimes he may only see the eldest for a hour before she goes to bed etc when they are all at school and hes working multiple weekends in a row which is part of his job, his opportunity to see them will be reduced further. I was just trying to ensure what time he does have, could still happen. I hate that my decision about our relationship massively affects his time with the kids and their time with him.

It's all so hard.

Have you thought about nesting? One primary home where children stay full time, one flat etc that adults swap in and out of. Means kids aren't toing and froing but no need for two child suitable properties. Might be worth researching.

Agree about nesting.

In fact I assumed this was what you were proposing OP - that you and your H would take turns having the big house and annexe. DC are permanently in the big house so much less disruptive for them.

That would make a lot more sense. (Still got the new partner problem though, possibly even more so as any new partner would have to and fro with you.)

I love the selfishness of the idea that the home is jointly owned. Does the ex get the privilege of living in servants quarters and paying for the mansion.

If you are spending (someone else’s money) for a property like this then you can afford a clean break. It just means paying you own way.

Thank you. Yes it's another route to think about, but if I'm honest I dont think it would work either.

Part of the issue is he doesnt appear to see mess and believes fairies clean/dust/hoover etc. Our standards are very different, he would happily change bedding every 6 months and wipe the toilet clean with a wet wipe annually. I think I'd end up cleaning one house, moving to the other, cleaning that and just getting angry. I think I'd constantly feel unsettled too.

Clearly there is no ideal situation. They all have their issues. I guess I'm a bit shocked with the responses as myself and husband both felt it was the best idea for us, in our situation, but I do not think we fully considered the reality of us moving forward and having the freedom to meet/date others. I didnt fully consider how any new partners would perceive the situation.

I'll keep hoping for the lotto win and a house each, maybe a couple of streets apart.

By the way OP his housing needs are the same as yours and they will be equally met.