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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Would you? Bonkers or the perfect solution?

60 replies

spottypyjamas · 19/08/2021 19:19

I'd love peoples honest opinion please.

Background: married 10 years. small children. separation on the cards. I love him, but not in the way I should. I've been stuck in limbo as I cant bear the thought of the consequences of my decision, but i may have a way out I can consider....

We live in an expensive area, selling one house doesnt give the money to buy 2, even smaller flats/houses. Cant move very far at all due to school catchment issues that I'm unwilling to sacrifice. My nightmare scenario is us living apart, across a busy city, one small house, 1 small flat, both work full time/shifts so our time with the kids would be much reduced, he doesn't deserve that. Kids would be shuffled between. Hes a great dad and I dont like the thought of them being away from me or him, they grow up so fast!

What about, we look for a property with a decent sized garden and buy/build a 2 bed annex? Theres lots of solutions online now, mobile options but all the mod cons. He has a decent space and privacy, the kids can see mum/dad whenever. Being with the kids can be much more flexible to suit our work schedules.

Potential issues:
Joint mortgage: we could keep joint account for mortgage/ joint Bill's. Yes we would remain connected financially. I have no issues with this. It actually makes me feel more secure.

New partners - yes ok, potentially awkward depending on how close house/annex is. Wed have to discuss all eventualities and set boundaries.

Planning permission etc etc I realise this all need research, as well as the issues of divorce whilst sharing a mortgage.

But, I feel so much happier with this plan, as does he, even with the potential issues. No one deserves to miss out on the kids and no one would anywhere near as much as the other options.

I fully appreciate this would not work for a lot of situations, but I love him like a brother, I feel this would be best for us all.

Am I missing any obvious reason not to do this?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 11:30

What happens when either of you meets someone else? And why would it definitely be him that lives in the outhouse?

ancientgran · 20/08/2021 11:37

@ThorIsAGod

I think he'll always want and hope you'd go back to him so it's a cruel thing to do.
I agree. He is the big loser in this, great for you if you are the one to keep the main house, great for the kids as both parents close, he is left in an annexe still hoping to make things work. I'd advise him not to do it.
ancientgran · 20/08/2021 11:44

If I'm reading this right you want to end the marriage and the alternatives are either he lives in some sort of annex or you get a small house in expensive area and he has a small flat somewhere else.

It sounds very selfish, all about what you want, can't compromise on catchment area, you have to have the "main" property etc.

Poor bloke.

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2021 11:48

Why would your DH get to live in the annex and not you?

Do you need to move to add an annex?

Rebornagain · 20/08/2021 11:50

The man needs to grow a pair and tell you to do one as you are quite clearly trying to benefit from the break up.

When divorcing something has to give

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/08/2021 11:55

Whilst he still has hope my feelings will change towards him, I am being as open and honest as I can be and saying they may not
They may not? You're dangling the poor sod on a string, not being honest at all.

Peanutsandchilli · 20/08/2021 12:10

Don't know how practical it is or how it would work financially, but would it be better to buy a house that could be separated into flats, rather than having one of you in the garden? It'd be more equal then.

tootiredtothink · 20/08/2021 12:12

Terrible idea. For all the above already mentioned.

Holly Bell has recently written a book on divorce (they too were very amicable at first). Well worth a read going forward.

Original poster
spottypyjamas · 20/08/2021 13:49

@Peanutsandchilli yes that would be the ideal, it's just whether something comes available. But yes, a larger property that could be easily equally divided may work. Again issues re future partners etc potentially.

Thanks all for taking the time to comment. It has given me a lot to think about.

A lot have used the word "selfish" which I really didnt consider I was being, but I maybe am. In reality I earn the same as him but i am much more organised with money. I manage all the finances / organising etc he has nothing to do with it, again part of the issue I feel I have to mother him.

Due to his shifts I would have the kids more, so would have a bigger space, that's the reality of the situation.

Like I say, neither of us want to be far from each other for the children. He repeatedly says his worst nightmare is being kept from the children. I really did think (and so did he) that this could help us both but I do appreciate it doesnt feel equal. A divorce wouldnt be though, I've gone part time over the years for the kids so would be entitled to pensions etc I dont want any of that. I just want us both to have a home, suitable for housing the kids, close to each other.

Obviously I need to rethink.

OP posts:
strawberrydonuts · 20/08/2021 14:07

[quote spottypyjamas]@Peanutsandchilli yes that would be the ideal, it's just whether something comes available. But yes, a larger property that could be easily equally divided may work. Again issues re future partners etc potentially.

Thanks all for taking the time to comment. It has given me a lot to think about.

A lot have used the word "selfish" which I really didnt consider I was being, but I maybe am. In reality I earn the same as him but i am much more organised with money. I manage all the finances / organising etc he has nothing to do with it, again part of the issue I feel I have to mother him.

Due to his shifts I would have the kids more, so would have a bigger space, that's the reality of the situation.

Like I say, neither of us want to be far from each other for the children. He repeatedly says his worst nightmare is being kept from the children. I really did think (and so did he) that this could help us both but I do appreciate it doesnt feel equal. A divorce wouldnt be though, I've gone part time over the years for the kids so would be entitled to pensions etc I dont want any of that. I just want us both to have a home, suitable for housing the kids, close to each other.

Obviously I need to rethink.[/quote]
Yes, you really do.

He doesn't need to be next door or across the street from you to have access to the children. Your expectations are unrealistic. He can be 20-30 minutes away and you will be absolutely fine.

It's a slight inconvenience, yes, but it's divorce. It is inconvenient, that's the nature of it. You will all have to get used to a new situation.

You need a clean break and I would say actually the ideal is for you to NOT be living down each other's necks and to have space from each other, especially for his sake, as it sounds like he still has feelings for you.

If you actually care about him then you need to encourage him to find his path away from you, not try to keep him close. That is selfish.

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