What's a fair split?

[callingtimethistime]

What would be a fair split for this unmarried couple?

13 year relationship. Two school age DC. Low income family, with no savings or pensions but one significant asset (house). It's a relatively amicable split, neither partner has treated the other badly.

Partner A:
Owns house outright (no mortgage). Came into relationship with a mortgage. Bought family home outright with equity from 1st property, 10 years ago.

Works a job on relatively low wage but earns more money than B. Pays all regular bills except one & majority of household expenses
Significant debts (all on manageable payment plans).

Partner B:
Works on own business. Business not doing well partly as Partner B can't put in enough time in due to disability / health concerns. As a result, earns significantly less than partner A, not enough to live on.

Consistently pays one bill, £200 a month. Usually puts most of rest money into family pot, but it's a relatively small amount.
No debt, no assets.

Both put approx same amount of time into childcare. Partner B does most of the housework.

Legally Partner B doesn't own anything. It's expected that Partner B will leave the family home, as it's owned by A. However neither partner A nor B think it's fair that Partner B leaves the relationship with nothing, no money at all. Partner B will need money for a rental deposit for example.

What would be fair to both A & B? )And the DC).

If they were married, how would it be split?

(I know the answer to these two questions might not be the same!)

WWYD? Thanks.

I know you keep saying he is a lovely man, but his actions very much do not point to that...

• has had his partner subsidising him to the point where partner now has significant debts
• had partner sleeping on the sofa in their own house for over a year while he takes the bedroom
• stonewalls every time partner tries to discuss the blatantly unfair situation he has trapped you in (how convenient)
• wont engage with any outside help that may lift some of the burden off their partner.

You cant help people who wont help themselves. No wonder you're feeling miserable!

Tell him its over and he has to leave by a certain date, its incredible once people have no choice how quickly they all of a sudden become able to do things. Don't let him have parental residency or even 50/50 - it doesnt sound like he is actually capable of managing the children on his own and you put yourself at risk of losing residency and having to pay maintenance. It might be all nice between you too now, but once he has had to leave and start supporting himself you might find that changes.

@NotTheMrMenAgain

OP I'd also advise you to be very careful before becoming the NRP - get some legal advice, it's not a step to be taken lightly.

Around four years ago an acquaintance had some trouble with a school application and ultimately the place which had been given was withdrawn, during the Summer holidays, leaving the DC with no school place in September - it was all rather stressful for her! I don't know all of the details, but it seemed to centre on the fact that. Child benefit was being paid to her ex-husband at his address, which was in another part of the city. The council wouldn't accept evidence that the DC also lived part of the time with her, treated his address as the primary residence and the school place was lost.

Someone else I know spilt up with the DF of her DC and had a set-up where she kept the DC with her but was officially the NRP, I assume for financial reasons. He was self-employed and it all seemed to be amicable for some time until things changed - at which point he tried to claim maintenance from her, for DC which were still living with her! Madness.

Just pointing out that it can be a minefield and you'll need to look at future-proofing as much as possible - because circumstances change and people can change more than you ever thought possible!

Thank you, good advice. I'll look into it and try to understand what the implications are.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I know you keep saying he is a lovely man, but his actions very much do not point to that...

• has had his partner subsidising him to the point where partner now has significant debts
• had partner sleeping on the sofa in their own house for over a year while he takes the bedroom
• stonewalls every time partner tries to discuss the blatantly unfair situation he has trapped you in (how convenient)
• wont engage with any outside help that may lift some of the burden off their partner.

You cant help people who wont help themselves. No wonder you're feeling miserable!

Tell him its over and he has to leave by a certain date, its incredible once people have no choice how quickly they all of a sudden become able to do things. Don't let him have parental residency or even 50/50 - it doesnt sound like he is actually capable of managing the children on his own and you put yourself at risk of losing residency and having to pay maintenance. It might be all nice between you too now, but once he has had to leave and start supporting himself you might find that changes.

I agree with some of this, although I feel I have to point out it was my choice to sleep on the sofa - I came down here last year when it was unbearably hot as I struggle with the heat and the upstairs of the house got too hot for me to sleep in. And I just ended up staying here, it was never discussed and we still call upstairs "our" bedroom. DP would be happy to have me back upstairs, I've not been kicked out.

Also, I don't see anyway of DP magically sorting his finances out if I just ask him to leave. He won't be able to afford to rent a place, he'd probably go back to his home town, hundreds of miles away, I imagine. Not something he'd want to do but so can't see what other choice he'd have. He could sofa surf with friends there till he sorted himself out and probably get work. But the DC would lose him as a constant presence in their lives and I'd lose his support as a co-parent. That's not ideal for anyone. If he was some cheating wanker and I hated his guts, that'd be the way to go. But he's not and I don't.

He is absolutely capable of managing the DC on his own, he's a hands-on dad who's been SAHD in the past while I worked full time before.

He's not great at future planning, but day to day he's just as much an active parent as I am.

Having said that, the idea of losing residency completely scares me. And I do accept people and situations can change.

The only feasible option I can come up with is that you wait while you save some funds and make that a goal OR until the money you are due to inherit becomes available and then you ask him to leave, setting him up with that.

I agree with a PP I'm not sure he is a good person in this.

You are the only one thinking and planning. You have all the emotional burden and the mental load.

I can't save anything right now, we"re struggling to meet day to day living costs.

But when this money comes through, that could be helpful, yes. I have no idea of when that'll be, though as probate is taking a long time as it's a complex will.

Even if residence is shared 50/50 the child element of benefits would only be paid once per child and paid to the main carer. This in effect means that the person who is not claiming for the children would likely be liable for child maintenance and would also not be able to get help with housing costs for large enough property.

If you say he can claim benefits in respect of children it will mean he can also claim a higher amount towards any rent based on being responsible for children, however if you are on a low wage you wouldn't get top up benefits on the basis of having children, only as a single adult. For the 50% of time they are with you there will be no benefits for food and clothing, but I suspect you would still be expected to buy these things for them. Would he honestly take full responsibility for paying all child related costs? Only he could get help to pay for childcare as the main carer, so for the 50% of the time you have them you wouldn't get help towards that.

As mentioned above, school applications will be made from his address and the GP etc should be within his house's catchment.

You owe him nothing legally and from my point of view morally either! He pays £200 per month for all his living costs, he's had a bargain!

You have managed to get into a great position owning your own property, this could be your kids' inheritance and to sell it to be fair is nonsense.

I suggest you help him find a place that is suitable and as close to the local housing allowance for your area as possible based on one bedroom rate (that's the max benefits will pay towards his housing if he has no responsibility for children). It might be more than one bedroom but that's the max they will pay.

If you wanted to split the benefits and each claim responsibility for one child that may also work and reflect true 50/50 care, he would get a higher housing rate for 1 child responsibility, as well as a top of up of income for that child.

Do not sell your house and do not give him official responsibility for both children, if you ever need help from benefits it will be hard to change if it is truly 50/50.

I'd prefer to be skint and for the DC to have bedrooms at their dad's, I don't mind taking a hit for that as it benefits them directly.

But I take your point about longer term, what if I needed help myself. Hopefully not, but that's not the point is it.

Would DP spend all the money on child related stuff? It'd be a shift to be sure - currently that's my department. He's always given me what money has and I've chosen & bought most of their clothes, lessons, club fees, presents for friends, haircuts, etc etc. We would need to think about how this could work carefully.

Your main goal should be the children having a roof over they're head with you. You have done all the life admin even while he was a SAHP. I wouldn't do 50/50 if he's not going to pick up the slack of SEN meetings/appointments/clothes shopping ect. You brought the house with you and legally you don't have to give him anything.

I would tell him times up, he needs to find somewhere to rent & that you'll help him with deposit & rent upfront. Even a 1 bedroom to begin with, (housing benefit will help) he can sleep on sofa & dc can have the bedroom or dc can camp in the lounge. There is no solution to the children having a room each at his it just doesn't sound possible.

He needs to look into disability benefits.
Depending on the work/benefits situation I wouldn't take CM if he could really use it.

To me it isn't about a split of assets at all. You are not married and the asset is owned by partner A. So B is entitled to nothing. However, you asked what is fair. What is fair is if A is in a position to help, then give B enough to help them get a house to rent. However, it doesn't sound like they are, when in debt but they may choose to do so anyway.