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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Partner and ex-wife Christmas plans

54 replies

KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:19

Hi, I know it’s early for Christmas talk, but my partner is in discussions with his ex-wife regarding their plans going forward.

They’ve been separated nearly 4 years, and we have been together for 2.5. Since they split, they’ve continued to spend Christmas Day together with their 2 kids (now 9&11).
Given I expect to be living with my partner (and the kids 50% of the time), I feel the time is right to start spending the day separately.
They believe that the best thing for the children is to continue spending the day with the 4 of them together. Although I understand this would be the ideal if possible, I feel like my needs should also be taken into account a little.

My partner is reluctant to initiate any kind of ‘take it in turns’ arrangement, because the kids would work out that it’s because of me. This could cause them resentment towards me when they realise it’s my fault they don’t see one of their parent each year.

How should I approach this? What compromise options would you suggest?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/06/2021 11:22

It looks like you're the one being expected to compromise. It's up to you whether or not your DP's refusal to budge is practical in the long term.

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 11:23

Does she have a new partner?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 02/06/2021 11:28

Why don't you host and invite his ex to come too. It will be interesting to see what they say to this.

Original poster
KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:28

No, she doesn't have a new partner.
There has been a suggestion that maybe in the future that I would join in and the day would then be one 5 of us, but I just don't see how that would be fun for anyone!

OP posts:
MiddleEasternMummy · 02/06/2021 11:28

Does his ex wife not have a partner ? I'm suspecting not . You are 100% in the right , I wouldn't have it . I understand the needs of the children but like everything else after a break up they will get used to it ... probably get spoilt more . Things have to move on and splitting Christmas one on and one off is most practical in these situations. Don't be guilt tripped into accepting this .

MiddleEasternMummy · 02/06/2021 11:29

Just seen she does not have a new partner, trust me she will wanting to spend time with her new partner when she gets one xx

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 11:32

Agree it will change when she meets someone.
Is there a reason why you can’t join them instead of splitting the day etc?
Do you get on with her?

Original poster
KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:37

We've not met yet... would've done by now if it wasn't for COVID I expect, and we'll definitely do it soon.

Maybe it would be fine to spend the day altogether for the kids' sake, but the likelihood is I'd rather then leave them to it and travel to my parents.

Ex doesn't live very far away, and there's a worry that the kids wouldn't understand any reasons why the other parent isn't around if they start to alternate years

OP posts:
Original poster
KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:37

Much appreciating all the comments... it's helping me feel like I'm not going too crazy!

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 02/06/2021 11:38

Oh my gosh what an odd set up. Its nice they want things to be amicable but it's pretending to be happy families for the day? It's kind of cruel as it's just showing the kids this is what our family could have been like. If you all get on then yes spend some time together. What will happen if you both decide to have kids, how will his children feel then when he stops going because you have a child that will want to share Xmas with him too. I would completely understand if this was a new relationship but they have been separated for 4 years!

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 02/06/2021 11:42

No advice really, just stopped by to offer up some Flowers as this sounds far from ideal.

Do the kids not wonder why you don't spend Christmas with them?

Perhaps some sort of part of the day compromise might work, breakfast/morning in one place with either mum or you, and Dad transports to do lunch/evening in the second place with whoever they didn't spend the morning with?

Your partner must know that in the long run this arrangement is really not very fair on you?

MorningNinja · 02/06/2021 11:42

Is it for an hour or so for presents or the whole day?

Is there any other ways in which he disregards your feelings?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2021 11:45

How much time do they spend together throughout the year? Do they celebrate the DC birthdays together? Random days out? Or is it all separate apart from Christmas?

Just trying to get an idea of what dynamic is in place and whether you’ll be comfortable joining it.

DH and his ex don’t get along at all and since they divorced all events have all been separate - DC have two Christmases, two birthdays etc. Which is different to the set up in my family where my mum, dad and stepmum are happy to do these sorts of things together.

Do they always have Christmas at hers or does it alternate?

Hsjdb7483939 · 02/06/2021 11:47

In all honesty I don’t know anyone who does this and while I can see why they did it at first it’s not fair on you to continue it; i certainly wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Day with DHs ex and neither would he. I’d suggest they either split the day or spend a couple of hours together to open presents then one of them goes home

cherrytreecottage · 02/06/2021 11:48

My DH has two DD's and as DM doesn't have a partner, typically she has the girls Xmas day and then they come to ours at night and we do Xmas day all over again on Boxing Day. I've always wondered if DH hated the fact he missed out on the magic of Xmas morning, which he kind of did - but also appreciated that him and I were together and if we had the kids then their DM would be on her own waking up, which isn't the spirit of Xmas.

It sounds from your message like your DP is suggesting it's JUST the 4 of them? Like you're not included in these Xmas day plans or have I got that wrong?

My DSD's are now teens so I've asked them before about how they feel having two Xmas's - they love it!! They get the best day of the year...twice!!

Original poster
KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:51

The plan is for it to be all day as that's what they've done since they first split... and I do understand that it's hard to change now the precedent has been set.

They do it for birthdays too, and I'm fine with that as I'd be happy to be around for just a little bit of their day... but Christmas feels like a whole different ballgame to me as it belongs to everyone.

I understand that they've worked hard to keep an amicable relationship post-split, but this seems just a step too far for me

OP posts:
Mathshelpme · 02/06/2021 11:55

I don’t get situations like this. Why the pretence for just a few days of the year? Do they think the kids are stupid, and playing happy families once or twice makes everything better?
Personally, I think friendly co-parenting is fantastic, but boundaries have to be clear from the split, to avoid confusion.

Moonshine11 · 02/06/2021 12:04

It’s all well and good to be doing when their both single but your DP has you now and you need to be involved, and also have the Christmas Day that you want, which would be spending time with him.
How long can they carry it on for realistically, at some point they’ll have to alternate, share the day etc.

PurpleMustang · 02/06/2021 12:12

At 9 & 11 I think the kids are old enough to understand that it needs to change. And 4 years is long enough that it has been done enough that its not a sudden change. But if you and he do agree on talking to the mum about a change it needs to come across as he wants or we wants, if he says that you want then it may get deflected back to you if not well received

PurpleMustang · 02/06/2021 12:15

Plus as others have said it is a bit odd to put on a front when they live apart the rest of the year. If she had a partner and you was included aswell that works for some but the kids are old enough to see that this must be odd to carry on, for how long? And the kids must have friends with separated parents and split Xmas.

starfishmummy · 02/06/2021 12:23

This is just weird. What will happen if the twonof you have dc together? Will they have tonstay home with you while their Dad goes off to his ex and their dc?

I thi k there would need to be a big change before I moved in with him.

LuvMyBubbles · 02/06/2021 12:26

Kids are old enough to have Christmas separated. They live separate lives, I think having Christmas together now although sweet, it is also weird.
Try one has Christmas Day and one has boxing and alternate. So can celebrate close to each other and no one misses out.

IEat · 02/06/2021 12:30

Xmas all together. Problem solved.

timeisnotaline · 02/06/2021 12:30

@MiddleEasternMummy

Just seen she does not have a new partner, trust me she will wanting to spend time with her new partner when she gets one xx
Will she? The ops partner doesn’t seem bothered about Christmas with his new partner. It would take a lot to make up for not inviting me to Christmas. Possibly an unachievable amount. I wouldn’t move in until I’m invited for Christmas, it does seem like that should come first in the relationship development by a long long way!!
Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 12:40

@LuvMyBubbles

Kids are old enough to have Christmas separated. They live separate lives, I think having Christmas together now although sweet, it is also weird. Try one has Christmas Day and one has boxing and alternate. So can celebrate close to each other and no one misses out.
Kids should come first. My parents although they were horrible to each other and got divorced, are now friends and capable of spending holidays together! Including with new partners.

It has made a huge difference to not feeling like the family is broken.

Why can't you all spend Christmas together? Christmas is a big thing for kids. You can always have a Christmas week where you do other things just you and your partner.

I think you're being really difficult about this, unless they're not inviting you too join in in which case that's unfair.