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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Partner and ex-wife Christmas plans

54 replies

KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 11:19

Hi, I know it’s early for Christmas talk, but my partner is in discussions with his ex-wife regarding their plans going forward.

They’ve been separated nearly 4 years, and we have been together for 2.5. Since they split, they’ve continued to spend Christmas Day together with their 2 kids (now 9&11).
Given I expect to be living with my partner (and the kids 50% of the time), I feel the time is right to start spending the day separately.
They believe that the best thing for the children is to continue spending the day with the 4 of them together. Although I understand this would be the ideal if possible, I feel like my needs should also be taken into account a little.

My partner is reluctant to initiate any kind of ‘take it in turns’ arrangement, because the kids would work out that it’s because of me. This could cause them resentment towards me when they realise it’s my fault they don’t see one of their parent each year.

How should I approach this? What compromise options would you suggest?

OP posts:

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 02/06/2021 12:43

Just playing devil's advocate, but what if you put out a hypothetical of you going to spend Xmas day with an ex ;) I know you won't but sometimes suggesting a thought exercise of trying to get the other person to empathise can help.

What if (in non-Covid times) your parents decide to go away for Xmas one year, where would you go then? (What do your parents make of it all! anyway?)

Any plans for you and him to have children of your own? What would happen then?

romdowa · 02/06/2021 12:44

Honestly don't force the change. My parents always spent Xmas together with us after the separated until my mother got a new partner and it was stopped. We were expected to leave dad alone for Xmas and spend it with this man and my mother instead. I hated him for it and 20 years on I still dislike him. 11 is more than old enough to figure out why things have changed and they will not like you for it. Its one day , suck it up

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 12:45

I mean, you objecting is not the only explanation they could give for this, is it. He could also say that he and their mum aren't together anymore and it's natural for them to start doing these things separately, as most seperated parents do. He's pretending the only option available is to use you as a scapegoat, making him the saviour for protecting you from that, when in reality it is pretty easy to explain this to the kids without including you at all. He's choosing not to.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 12:48

Can they do a morning and lunch all together and you and him in the evening? Do you get on well with the kids? Can they both play it that you’ll be all alone and sad and tug on the kids heart strings a bit?

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 12:49

@IEat

Xmas all together. Problem solved.

Hardly, I can't imagine anyone I'd want to spend christmas with less.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 02/06/2021 12:53

Do the kids still believe in Santa? Maybe this is a scenario where it makes sense to continue until they don't believe anymore.

After then though, I'd have to say that he is modelling some pretty poor 'how to treat a partner' behaviour - how would he feel if a future partner for one of his kids treated his dc this way when they're grown up later on in life - everyone including you deserves consideration and to be treated with respect when thinking about family days when you generally expect to be with loved ones.

WindowsSmindows · 02/06/2021 12:53

Do you plan to have children?
If so there will come a year (baby's first Christmas) when you will insist your partner stays with you.
If this is the first Christmas the kids don't have their dad they will blame the baby.

thelegohooverer · 02/06/2021 12:54

Playing devils advocate here but it’s just an arbitrary day. Christmas has much more significance for children. Why not just pick another day, to have your Christmas with him?

Original poster

KimJellytots · 02/06/2021 12:56

I'd love to reply to every comment individually, but I just want to say I'm super grateful - you've given me loads to think about in both directions and means I can work out how I feel on balance of it all

Thanks

OP posts:

Lucyh179 · 02/06/2021 12:58

This seems a bit weird. It's nice they are friendly enough to spend the day together for the sake of the kids but the kids are old enough to understand now and it's not representative of their daily life so probably weirder if anything. As they get used to Dad having a new partner I'm sure it would be weirder for them to not see your family unit together at Xmas. Sounds like you need to have some frank discussions and tell your partner that you should have a discussion and explain things to the kids. As long as they are kept in the loop, kids are usually very understanding!

ZenNudist · 02/06/2021 13:05

I think for a 3 year relationship its not a problem to spend Christmas apart IF you are not being left alone. It gives you a day to go and celebrate with your own family.

It won't always be like this. When /If you get married then it would change. It might change next year even.

Christmas is all about obligations and family. Presumably you have to see your family at some point too. Trust me it would not be much fun cooking dinner for his family.

Instead of being negative about it be positive. It's great hes such a good dad. It's great hes got a good relationship with his ex. It's good that you are fitting in with the family dynamics rather than sowing seeds of division.

I was with dh for about 6 years until we spent a Christmas together which we did once we were engaged. Before that it made sense to see our respective families.

Geriatric1234 · 02/06/2021 13:37

When I met my DH he and his ex had a similar arrangement (also for birthdays/Easter). I just said that that arrangement couldn’t work for me long-term and it was his call about whether we carry on or not. It was a dealbreaker for me and now they take turns. Kids were brilliant, didn’t bat and eyelid. They were 10&12.

I think it’s a noble plan to want to have both parents there for the first Xmas after a split, but it’s not really workable once new partners join the mix. Now my DH’s ex has a partner too - should we all sit around a table pretending we all like each other (we don’t) or should we each give the kids an Xmas they enjoy with happy parents and step-parents? In fact now they get two xmases! Whoever doesn’t have them Xmas day does presents the day before.

Your needs are absolutely worthy of consideration. And it’s not reasonable for you to be left to make your own plans for the next however many years, nor to be forced to hang out with his ex (though an invite would be a start...!). He may have agreed to this when they split, but it’s been 4 years and life evolves.

It’s also BULLSH*T that the kids need ever know this was “your fault”. They’ll only know that if your DP or the ex tell them (and if either of them do they are pretty pathetic). Otherwise they can just know the situation is changing. Your DP needs to balance your needs with guilt about his kids and not be a wimp about broaching this with the ex. It’s ridiculous to think that a decision made at a horrible time (the break-up) is FOREVER.

TheFunBus · 02/06/2021 13:45

me and exh always did xmas together with the kids - we all actually quite enjoyed it if I'm honest

when he got a new partner (who had a ds), I included her in it but we decided it was better to go out to a restaurant for lunch rather than have it at someone's house - so we agreed I would have the kids from xmas eve to lunch xmas day and after lunch they would go home with their dad and do remainder of xmas day and boxing day with him and his new partner

it was all quite jolly tbh!

it was all about the kids - they liked us being together and that was what was important to all of us and because exh's new p's ds was an only child and their family was all overseas, he quite enjoyed the big family element of it.

pos1t1vePolly · 02/06/2021 15:26

@KimJellytots my STBXH comes to my house Xmas morning (early - about 8) while kids open presents then leaves after a couple of hours. We've done this for the last 5 years. DD still believed in Santa that first year. He does the same on DC's birthdays - not the whole day for any event though - neither of us would want that! But we do it for the kids (even though they are now teens). We've also funded gifts together as neither wants DC's to be overly spoilt. It's worked well. I'm single. He loved with his partner. They don't have DC's together, and she doesn't have/want her own. And it's a compromise we all make as they then take my DC away Boxing Day onwards for a few days as STBXH's family live in another part of the country.
So it can work - and if she wanted to come Xmas morning I wouldn't have an issue with it. Hope you work it out!

pos1t1vePolly · 02/06/2021 15:27

*he LIVES with partner

AllIknowsofar · 02/06/2021 15:38

That’s ridiculous and I don’t know anyone who does it. I would hate to spend Christmas with someone else’s children and the ex-wife.

Btw is he actually divorced?

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2021 16:16

@TheFunBus

me and exh always did xmas together with the kids - we all actually quite enjoyed it if I'm honest

it was all quite jolly tbh!

Surely this kind of set up could only occur if the SP had very little in terms of their own family? My DP by default spends every christmas with me, and every other year, that's with my side of the family. Not compatible with always being with his ex, and now that we have our DD that is doubly something that won't just be sacrificed. I feel like this kind of set up is only really going to work if the SP brings very little to the table themselves and are therefore happy to basically forgo the event to go along with somebody else's plans that were not at all built with them in mind.

TheFunBus · 02/06/2021 16:22

it's only one meal, that's the way we saw it. I always saw my family on either xmas eve or later on xmas day, same with dp's and same with his dp's family (she saw them on xmas eve).

we just saw the event as being for the kids, not for us - they loved us being together for that one meal. We actually only stopped doing it when our youngest turned 18!

I don't think there's a right or wrong - but if the kids are happy doing it, I think you need to think long and hard about changing it. Worth asking dp to ask his ex what she would do if she had a new dp. Dp and I always agreed we would continue to do this, no matter what so it was an undertaking from the start

TheFunBus · 02/06/2021 16:23

sorry exh and I (confusing dps/exhs etc. etc.!!)

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/06/2021 16:27

Ex DP had 2 DCs. I have 2 DCs.

I have always had the usual alternate Xmas plan with my exH.

Every year before we met, ex DP and his ex W had shared Xmas day just as you describe. When we met, he spoke to his exW, and they invited me along. My DCs were at their dad's that year. I went. It was the 1st time I had met his exW. We got on so so well.

After that, on years when my DCs were with me for Xmas we also invited her, as well as my family. It worked.

It worked so well that she's now one of my closest friends, and neither of us have spoken to him for several years (their DC are grown up now).

AllosaurusMum · 03/06/2021 07:11

Is he willing to give up Christma with his kids if they're unwilling to leave their mom alone on Christmas? They're old enough to realize it's because of you.

Leaninghouse · 03/06/2021 12:25

Seriously? I'm struggling for words for this your OH is beyond unreasonable and disrespectful. The happy family for a day thing is taking civil too far.

I don't normally agree with them but in this case I'd be issuing an ultimatum. How dare he treat you like you don't matter

Leaninghouse · 03/06/2021 12:31

@pos1t1vePolly my OH does the same except for the boxing day bit. It works well and gets him out of the kitchen while I prep.

Could this work for you op?

Original poster

KimJellytots · 03/06/2021 13:00

We talked through the varied responses on here and it got him to realise that there could be better solutions that could work for everyone.
He's off to work out some alternative suggestions to put to his ex, but likely to go with the alternating years option.

Many thanks for all your help

OP posts:

Leaninghouse · 03/06/2021 13:06

@KimJellytots great news

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