Separated and broken.

[Santafan21]

Hi,
I'm desperate for advice. My husband of 12 years left just after Christmas, December was the only month that showed he was unhappy, he gave so many different reasons of what was making him unhappy, he is currently going through a distressing time due to his childhood, but also he said work stress, then it was my mental health then it was my family and then it was he didn't love me anymore. He said he wanted to have some space and get himself back home to me and the children. Instead he moved in with another woman and her young son and they are planning their futures together. He has even introduced the children to her. My problem is that I don't know how to live with the feelings of not being enough. That I wasn't enough for him and I am not good enough. It's eating me alive. I've never had much confidence but this has robbed me of all my self-esteem. I feel so worthless and pointless. He is putting energy into his new relationship that he could have been putting into his marriage. What is it about this lady that makes her worth more than me? He takes her away for weekends, he buys her expensive jewellery and he is working and drinking less. I have become bitter and broken. I don't blame him for leaving. I am obviously not worth fighting for but how do I live with that? I love my kids so much but it's left me feeling not good enough for them. I can't leave the house in fear of bumping into them or her. I have become a prisoner in my mind and home. I'm devastated and scared of my mental health. I am getting help with the crisis team but i'm on a waiting list. They have tried to get me doing self-help stuff but i cam barely function as it is. I should have moved on by now but I can't. I love my husband very much still and so I want him to be happy. This woman clearly does. I told him that I won't make the divorce difficult and that when it becomes UK law in Autumn to have a no blame divorce I will do it rather than wait the 2 years. He said if I still feel like that by Autumn we can talk about it then. Please, has anyone got any advice on how long I will feel this worthless and not good enough? Or am I stuck like this forever?
Why wasn't I good enough? Will I ever be good enough?

I'm so sorry I am desperately sad.

of course you are good and worthy.
its just sometimes relationships can run out off their course.
it will take time to heal. it is still early days.
did your gp prescribe any ad's? they may help in the meantime.
do you have family, friends around? that could be helpful.
you will become stronger again but just need support now.
if no connections there, would you think move somewhere else so not to bum them anywhere?
best wishes.

bump

You are good enough and if doesn't think that then it's his loss.
Don't blame yourself for other people's actions once they have made up their mind leave them to get on with it and don't blame yourself.
You need time which is the best healer, you will cry and think yourself worthless for a while but you know what it soon comes back - you find yourself again you start having fun you make new friends. You become to real you.
Put you big girl pants on ride out the storm and I promise soon you will think wtf was I doing.
It's hard but you will get through this

Maybe for a boost of confidence get yourself on a dating website you need distractions x

I get like this when my h left but those feelings have evolved into being angry because I'm actually great to acceptance that I'm not what he thinks he wants now.
Did he drip feed you the negative voices that you're hearing right now. Part of the cheater's playbook is to rewrite history and create lots of fault with your spouse because they want to pretend that cheating was inevitable. Hopefully you will realise that there was no excuse for his behaviour.

You are worth more. But it is a natural process you have got to go through. And grieve for the relationship and future you thought you had.

It's good you are under the crisis team. Are you taking any meds. They will numb you and enable you to get through this difficult time

Seek counselling. There are wonderful low cost services out there. Mine was £10 a season and gave me a safe place to work things out.

Be kind to yourself. Gather good people around you. And have as little contact with ex as possible. It isn't helping you. It is like picking at a scab. Block him on social media etc. Don't be fishing for details. It will only hurt you more.

Keep a journal and pour it all out there. Focus on your beautiful children and take small steps to move forward.

There is no short cut I'm afraid. But a year from now you will be in a better place and the year after etc. Just know there will be a time this won't hurt this much and you will be ok.

Thank you everyone. So much. I don't know who I am anymore. I seem to have lost all sense of myself. I'm so scared I will feel like this forever. The stronger they get ad a couple the weaker I seem to be getting. I know that it's stupid. I'm not mad or angry, just hurt how fast it all has gone. XXX

Hard as it is forget about them do you really want to lbs like or be interested in a couple of people who make you feel so shit?
You will be 💯 better than them and they won't be giving you a second thought. It's time to look after yourself and be positive at going forward who knows this time next year you could be in a happy relationship!!
Also please remember what ever you see on social media maybe not portray the trusty behind closed doors they are probably plastering happy photos because they know you are looking just block them and you will soon forget about them. Keep busy and look after yourself

Time to get angry Op.

He's a spineless lying shitbag.

Right now, find your backbone and focus on what matters: what is happening financially? Housing situation? Is he paying CM and taking the children off your hands seeing the children regularly. What is your job situation?

Start the divorce ball rolling.

You're not worthless. You're a woman who's been shat on by her husband and made to feel small.

You are well rid of the deceitful toe-rag.

You say you love him very much? Nah sod that. If he came back tonight you'd want to throw a brick at him.

It sounds to me that he was just making you feel bad to have an excuse to leave you so he could be with a woman he was already having an affair with.
IF SOMEONE IS WORTHLESS ITS HIM!
Not you. Never you.
The question is: IS HE WORTHY OF YOU?
The answer is a clear: NO!
So how do you get passed your feelings of worthlessness and despair? By getting ANGRY!
You should be livid, fuming, pissed, raging!
Then use that anger to rise from the ashes and rise well above the f-ing low life.

You don't need to be enough to anyone. Your self worth should no be dependent on anyone, not even your children. You are a woman and a unique and wonderful women. You are worthy and you are more than enough. So forget that Magot and now ask yourself:what do I want from life for myself? Where do I want to be myself next year? The answer should not include any partner or relationship. Just you.

@Sydendad

It sounds to me that he was just making you feel bad to have an excuse to leave you so he could be with a woman he was already having an affair with. IF SOMEONE IS WORTHLESS ITS HIM! Not you. Never you. The question is: IS HE WORTHY OF YOU? The answer is a clear: NO! So how do you get passed your feelings of worthlessness and despair? By getting ANGRY! You should be livid, fuming, pissed, raging! Then use that anger to rise from the ashes and rise well above the f-ing low life. You don't need to be enough to anyone. Your self worth should no be dependent on anyone, not even your children. You are a woman and a unique and wonderful women. You are worthy and you are more than enough. So forget that Magot and now ask yourself:what do I want from life for myself? Where do I want to be myself next year? The answer should not include any partner or relationship. Just you.

excellent post.

What a liar! Wanted to get back home to you and the dc! You have fallen for his lies and seem to want to share the blame for the break up, even as far as making the divorce easy. As a PP said GET ANGRY! This is not your fault.

cheaters have this de-fault re-set button. It instructs them to place the blame for their affair on the spouse. Suddenly they haven’t been happy, suddenly you not buying them a sold out video game for Valentine’s Day, is a valid reason to have an affair. The list of ridiculous ‘reasons’ for why this is YOUR fault, is endless. But know that all they are doing is projecting their guilt onto you. This is how they try and justify what they have done.
But you know that you have done nothing wrong. Right now, your spouse is ridding high on the endorphins of this exciting ‘ new relationship’. Well phases are temporary, and when it ends, and it will, he will then have to confront what he has done and how he has treated you.
When this day arrives, you will have moved on, you will be stronger and you will question just what the hell you were doing with him in the first place. So don’t ever doubt your self worth, but do question his.

Hi - I’m new to all of this but struggling with opening up to anyone around me and thought this might be a safe place to start.

My partner of 6 years left me and our 3 year old on Saturday - his words were “I can’t do this anymore” and that was pretty much it. We share a mortgage and both work full time. But I’m just in total shock that he's quite literally just left.

My son is home on Wednesdays and I’m struggling to juggle work, my emotions and being a mother.

I feel angry and resentful - I don’t get the option to just leave, I’m here day in day out picking up the pieces. I’m filled with worry about if I can keep this home for me and my son and quite frankly just how we’ll survive. I’ve lost myself, given everything to this one person to make him the best version of himself whilst no ones looked out for me.

I’m not sure where I go from here or how to deal with the pain.

@AmiraHa I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is such a horrible situation to be in. I wish there was words or some sort of action that can take the pain away. I want you to know that you are heard and understood. I hope you are thinking kindly about yourself and remember that you are important. It's much easier said than done. I do not know why these people leave their long term partners without much explanation. I don't agree with the comments about relationships run their course. I think that relationships should take work and both parties should at least work at it before calling quits. But I think humans have the ability to show some compassion to those they've left by treating them with some respect (unless the left was abusive in anyway) and allow time to come to terms with the loss. I just think some people refuse to use that ability. This is so heartbreaking and there's nothing to be done other than go through it and hope that we come out the other side stronger and smarter. You need to be able to rant about what you are feeling, no matter what it is, whether it's anger and hurt or how much you miss him and want him back. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is your feeling and don't judge yourself. Yes this is a very painful process. God I wish it wasn't but we are going to get through this. Like people have commented here. It will be made to feel like it was your fault and part of you will believe it. I'm trying to hold on to the fact that my husband was a heavy drinker and was when I met him and was until we split it wasn't my fault. I have to try and believe that his actions were not my fault. Me and the children should have been chosen over drink and an other woman but we weren't. We never were. If we keep going down the hole we are falling down we will get lost. I want to say something positive to make you feel better but at the moment nothing will help. Time is the only thing we've got at the minute. Please try and find some support with family and friends, those are the ones that don't leave. You need people fighting in your corner with you and for you. Hold on. Hold on with all the strength you have left. For your child but mainly for you. There may be no solice in my message, I wish I had words of comfort but when they are being said to me nothing sinks in. The healing will start from within ourselves. When we are ready. I pray that it will be soon. You are not alone though. I promise you that. There will always be someone who is willing to listen and be there for you.

@Santafan21

Thank you so much for your response and for taking the time out to not only read my post but to offer support and send a heart felt message.

Everything you say is right and I know it deep down - I know once the pain minimises I’ll feel free. I’m also sorry to hear about your ex, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must have felt and are still feeling. I’ve reread your post and can I just say you sound so strong right now please also remember you are worthy of love and no one should ever make you feel as though you are not.

I don’t know why we do it? I’m not only angry with him but at myself too. Why do we give so much to them to make them the best versions and show our own minds and bodies the bare minimum. He told me I was too much of a good mum…?! I mean as I type that down I have to laugh right - what kind of comment is that. Yes having kids changes the dynamics but as you said you work through and communicate like adults. He feels like he is missing out on life so in-turn wants to go and sleep with random women and wake up with zero responsibilities. His family should be his priority and sadly that just isn’t the case.

My whole pregnancy, birth and mat leave centred around him. Returning to work full time I had zero support. I helped with his anxiety his job his goals and for what?!

The pain is unbearable I feel so let down. Thank you again for your support and please reach out if you ever need a listening ear.

Brand new to this so apologies if I’m doing it wrong.

I’m a man but can completely resonate with some of the posts on here.

My wife of 10 years (together 20) has just dropped the bombshell that she is leaving me. She hasn’t left yet but is already sleeping in another room and started going out drinking etc. All of her stuff is packed and she’s looking at renting etc.

Devastated doesn’t even come close. Not only my wife, best friend etc but my first and only love.

It’s totally blindsided me, genuinely had zero idea. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I’m just inconsolable all the time. I can’t see a way through. Everything reminds me of her. Songs, tv, food, clothes, smells. I keep reminiscing of our times together and thinking about the plans we made. I feel so stupid for not being stronger.

Kids will be heartbroken too.

Hoping someone on here can give me a glimmer of hope. When someone is your complete world, you are totally devoted and actually fancy her more than any other woman you’ve ever seen, how do I move on?

I don’t want to be single or alone or start again. I want my life from 2 weeks ago.

Thanks for reading.

@Sydendad

It sounds to me that he was just making you feel bad to have an excuse to leave you so he could be with a woman he was already having an affair with. IF SOMEONE IS WORTHLESS ITS HIM! Not you. Never you. The question is: IS HE WORTHY OF YOU? The answer is a clear: NO! So how do you get passed your feelings of worthlessness and despair? By getting ANGRY! You should be livid, fuming, pissed, raging! Then use that anger to rise from the ashes and rise well above the f-ing low life. You don't need to be enough to anyone. Your self worth should no be dependent on anyone, not even your children. You are a woman and a unique and wonderful women. You are worthy and you are more than enough. So forget that Magot and now ask yourself:what do I want from life for myself? Where do I want to be myself next year? The answer should not include any partner or relationship. Just you.

This. What an arsehole. And an absolute classic. Ew I need some space Ew I need to get myself together for you. Boom. Other woman.

Chumplady.com

Plus a lawyer.

you can do this

@ManandaDad

So sorry you and others are in this awful situation. It is a bereavement. And you need to work through it. There are no short cuts.

You need to look after yourself. Make sure you eat and drink when you can.

Practical things like bills. Child support. Contact and property need to be dealt with. Seek advice legally about how this is going to look moving forward.

Gather support around you. Friends and family. And professional help if you are struggling. Your gp and counselling services. Will give you a safe place to work things through. I found a wonderful charity for support that charged £10 an hour. Make this a priority.

She has checked out long ago and you are playing catch up now. She is not the person you think she is. Don't confined in her or expect her to be the person to support you. There aren't any answers there. So just try to move forward as best you can.

Change is hard and scary. Especially when it isn't what you want. Don't think to get ahead. Just get through today then the next day etc.

In time it passes and is less raw.

@ManandaDad
Like @unicornsarereal72 has said this will be a challenging time. It's been 5 months for me and I am still in the throws of it. I imagine you're feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and that life will never be the same again. The truth is it won't, but that doesn't mean that's a bad thing. I wake up every morning feeling rubbish but I have to believe this is not what life is going to be like for the rest of my life. I have to believe that this is just a section of it where it's tough and horrible but it won't last forever. Definitely seek counselling it is important that you make this a priority. And like said before seek legal advice too. Then after every little step you take, every phone call you make to help you, every morning you wake up no matter how small a step congratulate yourself. You are fighting. You are moving forward whether it feels like it or not. Be proud of yourself. This process is difficult but try not to punish yourself. Your only crime is still loving someone, which isn't a crime at all. We've got this. We can all get through this. We are all here for each other without judgement. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Time is our friend right now. You're not stupid, being heartbroken doesn't mean you're not strong. Start by looking after yourself, becoming the best version of yourself. Always here if you need to vent more.

@Santafan21 @unicornsarereal72
Thank you for your words and taking the time to show some compassion. I really appreciate it and find it helpful.

It’s still very raw and while she’s still here I know all I will be hoping for is for her to tell me she’s changed her mind. Is it impossible to start to get over her when I’m seeing her everyday? She can see me upset all the time too.

She doesn’t work and she won’t go without a pay off. I never thought of it as ‘my money’ but I suppose I’ll have to now. She’s ok spending it going out drinking!

I definitely need help. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a man but I feel stupid for even feeling this low. I might need anxiety meds or something too. I feel scared to take that first step.

Don’t have friends, and only my Dad to talk to who’s very old school and who’s patience is already waning. I don’t think he’s ever loved anyone enough to understand.

Overwhelmed is the word. Feelings I didn’t even know possible.

@ManandaDad
Please speak to your GP. When you are ready try and get out to meet new people. Make new friends. Join more forums to find support. My heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you are feeling. You want someone to tell you that she'll change her mind and want a second chance. I wanted the same. Nobody knows what the future will bring. But for right now you have to think of yourself. I don't know how old your children are but make plans with them. I wish I had a magic wand as I would take away the pain. I'm sorry that this is happening. Please don't be hard on yourself for feeling this way. Man or woman your feelings are valid and allowed.

Thank you @Santafan21 for your kind words.

I know everyone is different but how long did you feel the unbearable-ness of it all?

Every time she tells me she doesn’t want to be with me or mentions moving out or sorting stuff like it’s normal I actually feel pain. My heart races and my head spins and I say something stupid, and then she says ‘this is exactly why I don’t want to be with you’ or something similar.

I can’t believe I’m here. 2 weeks ago everything was perfect as far as I knew. How can she let it get to this point where she doesn’t even want to try? It’s so unfair on me and the kids.

The plans for the future are the scariest part. Like it’s real and final. It’s a future I don’t want. I don’t want new friends or hobbies. I know I’d just be faking it. The way I’m feeling right now it’s not even a future I’m certain I’ll be around for. I can’t believe how low another person can make me feel

Truthfully, I still feel it now. I hate hearing about my husband living with and planning to marry another woman after leaving only 5 months ago. He introduced the children and has them over there to sleep even though I asked if he could wait at least 6 months and take the introduction slowly. He's gone over my head with it. He says he's happy and tells me I will meet someone who I will have more in common with. I didn't even realise he felt like we had nothing in common. I'm lucky as I don't have to see him everyday. He has tore me apart and I feel so bad about myself that I can't leave the house. My life is a mess at the moment. Me and the children have to move out of the family home due to circumstances out of our control and there is no where else to go at the moment. It's horrible. There is no solid ground for me to stand on and it feels like my future is uncertain. I too feel like I won't survive it. But I have to keep myself above the water. I'm needed by two amazing children. I have to be here. I have to learn to accept what's happened because the alternative is drowning. I am just about finding the light that is making me want to fight. I would love to give you a time scale of feeling better. Give her the space as best you can. But don't do it for her do it for yourself. When she is saying those things. Juat say OK. It will be so hard to fight against your instincts to beg and plead or argue. But just say OK. It's still so early days for you. 2 weeks is nothing. No wonder you are feeling the way you do. But remind yourself it's normal to feel this way. It's normal to be broken by this. Please don't give up on yourself.

@blackcurrantjam just purchased chumpladys book off Amazon. Thank you for suggestion for the website. X